Following through and opening up.

I have put it out into the Universe that I want love.  I have changed all of my online presence to reflect that.  I have written about it here, I have spoken about it with friends, potential partners, my fucking therapist.

I believe the time is right and that now more than ever I am ready, but with all this preparation and declaration I have also been brought face to face with the reality of what and who I am.  And I am scared.  It all seems completely impossible.

I have deactivated my accounts across all dating platforms.  It was getting too noisy and bumping into Rex made me realize that I need quiet in order to do this.  I had a full dance card on Sunday and by Saturday I had only kept two engagements.  Both with him.

He crowded my thoughts all week and other men were distant seconds due to their own innocent ignorance.  Why would I pretend to be only half of me with one of them when I could attempt to be all of me with him given the opportunity?

::

I came across a quote on Instagram today — I’ve seen it before.

He says you are too much.

You talk, laugh, smile, feel far too much.  But baby….

here is the problem:

He is too little to appreciate that it took an entire galaxy

being woven into one soul to make you.

I was married to that man, that little man who made me feel like I was wrong and whose own soul was in a self-imposed box.

I took up too much space on the sidewalk, he said.

I spoke too freely of my opinions, he said.

I shouldn’t need him to say I was beautiful, he said.

My art, my being, my movement through life was unacceptable.  It made him uncomfortable and self-conscious  It took me nearly 7 years to realize that his words for me were really for him.  He was a miserable shell of a man afraid of his own shadow, his own needs, and I had inadvertently married a man who personified my inner voice: I was too much.

I cried when I read the quote.  It felt all too familiar.  And I am feeling fragile today, far too vulnerable.  Telling people I want to be loved feels like peeling away my skin.  I feel raw, weak.  Like I am shivering and helpless and strapped to a tree in the goddamned sparkling snow.

Being honest about what I long for means I must demand certain things of the men I meet and of myself.  Honor and respect, kindness and compassion.  I have not had kindness in my life in so long and even the smallest glimmer of it creates a fracture in my facade.  I am suddenly and completely armorless.

Is this what it’s like for other people?  Normal people?  For everyone else who doesn’t have what feels like crippling issues with intimacy and trust?

It wasn’t long ago that no one could hurt me.  I was on a pedestal far above the fray.  Fuck me, leave me, don’t text, don’t show up, cancel on me, lie to me.  Fuck you, do it.  I’m not here anyway.  It’s just a body and I’m merely feeding it.

But I am no longer hungry for that.  I want to be a human, not that thing I was for so long, whatever that was.  I want to fill my heart.

I want to fill it with a man who knows me.  Whom I can introduce to my baby, my mother, my friends.  Someone who will help me move furniture I struggle to drag from one end of the city to the other on my own.  Someone to fucking care, to tell me everything is going to be ok when I’m not at all sure it will be.  Someone to just hold me, stroke my temple, press his lips to mine and breathe me in.

::

I sat across from that small man, my exhusband, last week and the disdain and resentment in his eyes burned into me.  His words cut and confirmed what I had always known about him: he never liked me.  I let his inner road map route my life because, I’d thought, it’s what I was supposed to do.  The truth is, I should have ended our relationship 2 months in, but his interest in me was mesmerizing despite his criticisms.

Step by step he moved us closer to marriage and all along the way he rejected who I was.  Six years after I closed the book on us I have never regretted escaping his dark cloud, but I have yet to find the sunshine.  I have operated under my own dark cloud of fear of people.  He betrayed me.  He made me promises he never intended to keep and he told me it was my fault.

The Neighbor never bothered to make a promise, but somehow convinced me he was worth having in my life.  Or maybe I was just an fucking idiot and the sex and his daily rejections were my catnip.  I’m open to that possibility.  Looking past and around them my life has been filled with men whom never deserved my energy, yet I gave it freely all the same.

They were safe because they would demand next to nothing from me in return.  I could be safely ensconced in my armor of detachment; they could be easily dismissed for behaving awfully.  Deciding to open up and be myself positions me for love and hurt, but I suppose it’s time to woman up and follow through.

I can either cry about being alone and continue to play child’s games or I can change the game altogether.  Be myself instead of someone else, but the truth is that when you line up all the pros and cons of Hy there are an awful lot of cons to get past first.  I’m not saying the cons are greater than the pros, just that there are many brambles to cut back before someone reaches the castle gates.

I feel like a branch heavy with snow about to break.  Can I really expect anyone to take it all on?  I mean, can I??

And the answer is yes, because if it were anything else then that would mean I had already given up and I have only just begun.  I have only just begun.

14 thoughts on “Following through and opening up.

  1. You go girl! Sounds to me that you’re getting clearer on what you want and your thoughts and actions are following…reality won’t be far behind. Just keep moving forward. We’re all rooting for you!

  2. Yes… This.

    And I hope there are many Rex’s that cross your path along the way to finding the one you seek that will continually confirm that there are men out there who want the whole package of who you are. 😉

    ~ Vista
    Vista recently posted…Weekend Hunger: AddictedMy Profile

  3. I really don’t want to trot out something trite, but please don’t go chasing love, Hy. You know as well as anyone that the more you hunt for it the harde it is to catch.
    Stop looking, and when you find someone who’s good moving furniture (and who hopefully has a huge cock) make sure they really like moving furniture.
    Hope that wasn’t too trite. Either way, big hug.
    Accidental Masturbator recently posted…Get your free pronoMy Profile

  4. Wow – I really love this post. You had really made some vast strides. You deserve a man who loves you for who you are. It’s fine to expect him to accept you and not try to change you. Yes, it’s really scary to be vulnerable, but it’s the only way. You are amazing, strong, brilliant and you need a man who loves all of that.

  5. Dear Hy,

    I was SO glad to see this title in my inbox, and happier still reading through the post.
    (Or, at least, the more positive, moving-forward parts of it!) 😉
    Guess what — I’m doing “brevity” today, in honor of your change. 😀

    Just wanted to respond to your “I feel raw, weak.” —

    This “makes sense” to me; here’s why:
    You are still whole, but you’ve been “REBORN”, fresh. 🙂
    Probably feel rather “tender” as you take your “first steps” in this realm..

    .. and you’re Right On about being “Open to” Love, vs “looking for” / “chasing” it.

    If Rex will be that man for you, I wish you both everything positive moving forward. (Just remember what I said about “flushing” and opening up that space!)

    Big Love & Blessings, dear Hy,

    Chris x

  6. Oh, dear Hy.. catching up on all your latest.. it’s made me feel sad..

    ..and your reply here, just brought a tear to my eye.. :’/

    I’ll try to keep it brief — “learning experience”; “New Hy”; “flush”: just flush again..

    “He”s out there, somewhere; he MIGHT (also) be reading this blog; HE might be able to take it or accept it as part of you, for as long as you may wish to continue it..

    I like when ppl talk about “Cosmic Ordering” — put it out to the Universe that you’re READY to meet a Good & Worthy Man, worthy of you, of your Peyton, of the love you have to give & share; that you’re ready for a man who shares your passion for ***adventurous, zealous intimacy*** as part of a blossoming relationship..

    You’re already on the right track, in your Rex-perience. (‘scuse me.)
    Cher sang “It’s in his kiss” — so you’re looking in the right place. 😉

    Final thought:
    Just as a new business plan is best revisited frequently as the new biz is set up, please scroll back up to where the BLOGLOVIN image link is, and RE-READ your 5 para’s there, from
    “Being honest about what I long for…” through to ” … I want to fill my heart.

    I want to fill it with a man who knows me. … ” **paragraph** [but NO FURTHER.]

    If you still feel the same, then you’re on the right course. Keep it steady, sister.

    Love & Blessings,

    Chris x

  7. You are SUCH a character Ms Jones! You always make me cringe when you sell yourself short … there ain’t none of us without at least a little baggage. But then you turn around and make me smile because you know you are the WHOLE package. The message is right. You just can’t seem to find the proper forum. But you will. I know it.
    Mike

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