He didn’t listen.

See right through me.

It was the third time it stung and hurt in rhythm to his thrusting digits that night.  I told him to stop, but his long fingers kept moving inside of me.  He’d pushed things farther than I’d wanted all night long and now we were naked on my bed.

“You’re hurting me!” I said and pushed at the arm and wrist connected to my body.

“Stop!” I said again, firm and angry.  “You are hurting me!!

He pulled his hand out and kissed me drunkenly.  “I’m sorry,” he said.

I explained to him how to touch me and let him restart.

It hurt again.  I cried out again.  I yelled at him to stop again.  I pushed his hand away again.

He wanted to fuck then, but I said no.  He pouted and begged, kissed my neck and touched my pussy.  The wine fuzzed my brain and it was much too dark in my room to clearly see that he needed to just go away.

I let his touch calm me and when he slithered down to put his mouth on me I held my breath.  “Do not suck on me,” I said.  “It will hurt; I’m too sensitive.”

He sucked.

“Don’t suck!” I said again and pushed at his shoulders.  He didn’t budge and continued to suck.  I felt my labia pulled away from my body by the suction and I hated it, that awful, tugging sensation.

“Stop it!  Stop it!  Stop it!”  I shouted.  “I just told you not to suck!!!”

I told him to lap at me.  “Like an ice cream cone.”

I wasn’t  there anymore.

I was in a black space with no exit, thick and viscous.  My arms and legs were mine, but they weren’t free.  This man was doing these things to me that I was supposed to enjoy, but I wasn’t.  It hurt, it pissed me off, it felt pointless, I felt lost.

It finally ended somehow and I was submerged in upside-down darkness and only wanted him to leave.  He wanted to stay the night.  “No, you need to go home.  My mom will be here at 8 in the morning.”

He pouted again and recoiled from me.  As he gathered up his clothing he complained they were wet from my ejaculate.  I told him to shut up, incredulous.

Because I’m a woman and trained to be polite I hugged him goodbye, but he was terse and walked out stiffly.  Several minutes later he texted to tell me how much he liked me.

Late the next morning he texted to say he’d left some things behind and that he’d had an incredible night with me.  I’d found his boxers already, but he’d also left his work keys.  I searched the couch hoping they weren’t there, but they were: two shiny silver keys on a ring, a big one and a little one, much like my delusion and self-respect.

I haven’t told him they are here.  He wants to see me again.  I don’t want to.  Keys or no keys.

I don’t know how to proceed.  Do I tell him how I remember the evening or do I just say “Sorry, this isn’t going to work out for me.”  I want to disappear and not think about the disaster that was my Friday night, erase it completely from memory.

I wonder if I could be wrong about everything, that maybe I was begging for it.   Maybe I did sometimes, I don’t recall that clearly.  Never mind.  It doesn’t matter.  It will soon be rolled into the other stories I have of nights similar to that one.  Of being over-powered by their desire and choosing the path of least resistance and saying, Fine, ok.  I’ll do it, when truthfully, I don’t want to, but am too scared to say No only to have him say Yes we are because then it really is bad.  And scary.  And my fault.

I am clear that No means No, but when a drunk woman is half naked on your lap and her hard limit is your hand in her pussy, but it’s ok to suck on her tits I get the confusion.  I understand the risk, I understand the world I live in.  It’s not set up for me to have hard limits if others are soft.

I blame myself for not having the guts to kick him out the second I felt it was sideways.  Instead I tried to salvage it, make his mistake and boorish behavior ok so it wouldn’t be a scary assault, so he wouldn’t see he’d gone too far and reached a vulnerable place in me – both literally and figuratively.  I let him stay and I attempted to make the night mine, not his, and all I really accomplished was confusing him and hurting me.

And now I have his keys to remember him by.

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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14 thoughts on “He didn’t listen.
  1. Hell.

    I wish I had the right thing to say here. I want to give you a big hug.

    It doesn’t matter what you said or did. You said no and he should’ve drawn back and listened, going forward at your directive. Period. There’s really no other way to say it. But I’ve also been in the same position and done the same things and felt the same way. He still should’ve listened no matter what happened next. He’s a douchenozzle and being drunk isn’t enough of an excuse.

    Love to you.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…Around My Profile

  2. Both a troubling and surprising post to read. I thought this was going to be a recollection from a couple of decades ago. I’m sorry that you found yourself in such a situation now.
    I agree that the area of limits can lead to confusion, but that <emNo does mean No!
    I find reassurance in my faith that you will find an easy, safe, and terminal way to return his things.
    Hug.
    Accidental Masturbator recently posted…You’re good and you know itMy Profile

  3. I have tried to do similar things in a similar situation. I’ve said no but also let things go further than they should have, further than I wanted. I’ve felt disgusted and ashamed for both of us, and as much as I’ve wanted to hate him for ignoring my “no”, I’ve felt guilty for not kicking him out that exact moment. The path of least resistance is a slippery one, and one that’s familiar to me.

    Hy, I’m so sorry. I wish the resolution for you was clearer. For certain he is an asshole for ignoring your words, for not stopping when you said and listening to you. You have all my hugs and sympathies.

  4. I am so sorry Hy. So so sorry.

    This was sexual assault (even rape as there was penetration when you had clearly stated you didn’t want penetration any more), even though I do understand not the kind that you are likely to report, because I believe not many people in the police understand the difference between hard limits and such things.

    This reminds me of the fact that, as women, we are very good at choosing the way that will avoid confrontation. Often, it’s because we fear being overpowered physically during a confrontation. So we accept things we don’t want to accept, hoping things won’t escalate into something really ugly. Choosing harm so as not to have to face injury or death.

    It doesn’t mean what he did was right, it doesn’t mean you ‘wanted’ it, it doesn’t mean it is not completely normal to feel awful after the fact.

    As for the practical problem of the keys, I think I’d put them in an envelope for him to pick up from the lobby at a convenient time for him.

    And as far as I’m concerned, now, I think I’d tell him what he did was wrong, very wrong, and that no means no.
    Mind you, a few years ago, I would probably have replied with a ‘no, thanks’ and that would have been it. Actually, I do remember doing just that with a few men. I also remember having let things go further than I would have liked with some, in a similar situation as you (minus the alcohol intake, not that it should make a difference). I know it’s not easy to say “You were a real asshole, don’t even try to come next to me ever again.”

    Big hugs Hy. And lots of love. <3

  5. Wow what a night. Obviously what he did wasn’t right. You just have to cut ties. If you felt scared to tell him not to penetrate you, then you were with the wrong man.
    So on another note, is he a selfish person in non sexual settings? If you had doubts about him then he definitely shouldn’t be in your bed. If he was an otherwise normal nice guy, maybe he just had a long time lover previously that liked it that way.
    I have been married almost 24 years, and while I make sure to please my wife the way she likes, I may not be able to please you(or whomever), the first time out. Women are very different as you know. We dipped into swinging before, not lately, and women have some of the same likes but getting them to orgasm is very different. Some women need stimulation just short of a jackhammer, while others need it soft. Even with my wife, sober sex is completely different than drinking sex. I am not sure this is helping you at all. I guess my point is, if you meet someone you like and want to spend time with, sex may not be quite what you want. Sometimes you have to help it along and make it what you want. Many of us are easy to listen and will do whatever we can to please you.
    Of course with this guy, I think if I had been him, I would have listened after the first time.

  6. Hy,

    I will be forthright in my opinion of this man. His behavior was borderline assault, ESPECIALLY after you told him 2-3 times on different occasions. Furthermore, wine (or any excessive amounts of alcohol) is a truth-serum. In other words, his consumed alcohol only freed-up his true inner-self. That was the REAL man inside the body; apparently one that does not listen as you recognized repeatedly.

    Toss him Hy, unless you only want more frustration and higher risks. You can “toss him” tactfully, but do it. That’s my opinion based on your post here.

    Be safe!
    Professor Taboo recently posted…LegacyMy Profile

  7. Your instincts are right on. All that i have read tells me you know in your heart of hearts. Get him the keys and say “ this isn’t going to work out for me.” i would skip the sorry. For if he can’t stop when you ask him who knows what he will pursue later. meet in a public place and say good bye. Remember this as a lesson learned and move on to better nights and days.
    I wanna hug you too You shouldn’t of had to go through an event like that.

  8. You don’t owe him anything, and it wasn’t your fault. You wrap up his boxers and keys in a bag, have a friend drop them off in his mailbox, and tell him that he continued to physically hurt you after you asked him not to. That he’s not welcome in your house again. Then you block his number. Again: You don’t owe him anything. x
    Jo recently posted…Hands and KneesMy Profile

  9. I think I’d have to tell him how I remembered the night, and that I’m not interested in seeing him again because of the experience. No need to be tactful….he sure wasn’t!

  10. Grrrr! This man pisses me off for what he did to you. I’ve had a few similar experiences, but at least they stopped when I told them to.
    I guess if it were me, I’d not want to see him again either even to just return his things to him. Keys are replaceable after all. And I’m sure the boxers are not the only ones he owns. Of course, maybe they are with as much class as this jackass has. Grrrrr!!!!!!!!

    So very sorry this happened to you. And HUGS to you dear Hy. <3

  11. Well… fuck! Put his boxers and keys in the mail to him.

    Do not let that ass back into your life. He obviously is lacking in any measure of empathy. And a man lacking empathy is a toxic storm waiting to contaminate your life.

    Yep… mail his sorry crap back to him. UGH…

    ~ Vista
    Vista recently posted…Written on His SoulMy Profile

  12. Want to echo people’s writings here. Totally no acceptable behaviour on his part. Have I done what you did – yes. Did I regret it – yes. Can I say I won’t behave the same way again if in similar circumstances – no 🙁
    But the fact he can’t see how shit it was for you means he was not paying attention to you at all… and that’s shitty coz even if you’d been firmer it’s hard to say if he’d have listened 🙁
    . So hugs.
    And do what makes you feel safe and better. If that’s telling him or not no matter. You don’t owe him shit. And it’s not on you.
    Hugs.

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