He loved the pot roast and I slept alone.

“I’m not feeling it between us.”  He made a back and forth motion with his hands at chest level.  “I think you’re very beautiful — very — fascinating, intelligent, really funny, but I just don’t know if it’s there between us.”

I sat beside him, about 18 inches away, a wine glass in my hand.  I looked away, swallowed.  I felt trapped and helpless, foolish.  Of course he doesn’t, I thought.  Men never want me.

I’ve spent the last couple of days fighting that voice and it’s left me low and energy-less.  I hate that voice.

Since none of this is happening the “normal” way for me I have been out of touch with things.  None of our dates have lent themselves to anything more than a brief goodnight kiss.  He’s responsible and has dogs and has left after every one and declined to come up after another when we instead sat in his car outside my building where I worked really hard to convince him I didn’t actually care about dick size, only the size of a man’s heart.

On the couch I continued my case, “I want to get to know you, Rex, I want to unwrap you and discover the man inside.  To learn about you.  I find you interesting and kind and sexy.  I want to keep learning about you.   You intimidate me because you’re so grown up and accomplished; I’ve never dated an adult before…”  My voice sounded desperate and clingy to my ears, but there was nothing to do.  It was all true.

I looked away again when he didn’t respond and he said something about me shutting down.  I dragged myself back up to the surface.  “You’re right.  I am.  I’m trying.  This is just so hard for me.”

I looked at him, my face an implacable mask.  He said he couldn’t read me.  I told him that was the point.

I have never felt something slip through my fingers the way that evening did.  He licked his plate, but was passing on me it seemed.

“What are you thinking?” I asked.  He said he didn’t know.  “Well, do you know what I’m thinking?  I’m sitting here wishing I could kiss you.”

He looked surprised.  “Go ahead,” he laughed.  “You should always kiss me if you want to.”

I leaned over on my knees and kissed his warm lips.  His hands stayed below my hips, perhaps on my thigh.  He began to talk.  I asked him if he wanted me to stop.  He said, No, but I felt like I was forcing myself on him.

I pulled away and he followed me, kissed me more.  I breathed him in and waited as my hands roamed his neck and jaw.  Nothing.

“I have to get going.  It’s a work night.”  It was 10:30 when the failure really sunk in.  Either there was just no chemistry between us or my strange flailing the previous two weeks had set the stage for this.

“Do you think you knowing about Hy made us both think we were more connected than we really are?” I’d asked before I’d kissed him.

“No!  Definitely not!” he jumped to say.  “I don’t think that at all.”

We stood up and I walked to the kitchen to send him home with leftovers.  He kissed me again at the island and it was intense and sweet, but still stopped short of full-blown passion.  I don’t know why.

He dipped down once or twice for more and I eagerly met his lips, but he seemed already halfway out the door.

I handed him his baggies and tinfoil-wrapped pot roast and walked him to the entryway and told him I was free on Saturday if he wanted to hang out again.  There was still so much more to say and explore, right?  The kissing was good, wasn’t it??  I didn’t know which end was up, perhaps more talking and spending time together would sort it out.

“Ok, sure.  I might be going out of town for a bike trip.  I’m not sure.  I’ll let you know.”

We kissed again and he left and I crawled into bed with the animals.

It’s Saturday night now and I didn’t hear from him about going out of town or not.  I assume he did, but perhaps not.

::

I went on a date with a man recently who was incredibly eager to meet me.  He leaned in at the bar as I sipped my glass of Chardonnay and his hand occasionally grazed my thigh.  I had no doubt of his attraction for me and I felt the chemistry buzz between us as I imagined what his body would feel like over mine.

We parted ways with a steamy, but appropriate kiss against my car under an abnormally warm winter sun, and I drove away contemplating chemistry and connections.

Another night I had a date with a different man who really liked me.  It was our second date (the first was coffee a week before and his eyes lit up when I walked into the Greek coffee house).   He texted me nervously the morning after because he was worried he might have said something that put me off, but the truth is as I sat across from him sipping cider under a chilly moon I couldn’t muster an attraction.  I tried, but it just wasn’t there.

There was nothing he said that made that happen.  It just was.

And as he kissed me and earnestly held me close my heart sank because I felt nothing in return except his soft lips and nicely groomed whiskers.  I had to tell him, like Rex told me, that I didn’t feel it between us and if Rex feels as little for me as I did for that other man then that hurts.  Not a lot, not a little, but somewhere in the middle like when you studied really hard for a test, but still only got a B-/C+.

I really wanted this thing with Rex to be an A.

The person is undesirable to most while the body desirable to all.

 

Febraury Photofest

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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21 thoughts on “He loved the pot roast and I slept alone.
  1. Sometimes things aren’t made to be understood. I have gone through and re-read emails looking for that little drop of poison that somehow found its’ way in. When I find nothing I realize that this might not be the right lifetime. It is always disappointing. I told her that no matter how practiced at asking the guy was, that “no” always hurt if only just a little bit. Usually more. She looked worried like she had never considered that there were consequences to the person she said “no” too. I told her that I wanted her to know that anything she wanted that I was going to say YES. That way there would be no worrying on her part. I guess there wasn’t anything she wanted bad enough to ask for. Sometimes one just never knows what things didn’t work out and they will NEVER get the answer to what went wrong. Things can go wrong when people are very young, well before you met them. They carry the damage their whole lives. I am sad for them, as they are wondering the same thing; what was it that went wrong? It seemed so good. The rejection they carry is for everyone. Try to put it behind you and learn from it and forgive whatever it was.

  2. Sigh! I’m hurting for you too dear.
    And shaking my head. :-(
    Sometimes we just never know what’s going on in a mans mind. And maybe that’s for the best in the long run. Maybe……..
    Chalk it up to a good experience of a guy actually willing to wait and getting to know you. He’s surely not the last of that dying breed.
    Carry on girl!!
    XO!

  3. Your heart and bravery are astounding. Your body is enviable.
    And now we all know that you are a good cook!
    I never believed anyone the many, many times I was told that you find the right one when you quit looking. I hated them all every time I heard that.
    At 35 I swore off men and all their bullshit games. I’d just bought my own damn Haus and that was my focus…that and working double shift at the jail. Of course, 9 months later I met him.
    We were married 4 yrs after I quit dating.
    We are still married. It will 20 yrs September 26th.
    ❤️ Hang in there Sweetheart.

  4. I’m so sorry he didn’t work out. That really sucks. You made him a damn pot roast!

    I’ve been following your blog for years and I have an observation. This isn’t a criticism and it comes from a place of good intentions: you try too hard. I know because I do too and I think it turns men off. I’m experiencing this with my boyfriend of six years (was married 18 before him).

    Have you considered simply forgetting men? Quit dating, take your profiles down, work on YOU. Like another poster said, that’s usually when the right one comes along.

    Hugs.

  5. Sigh. OK, congrats on the efforts you made: pot roast, vulnerability, patience, the exposure of the blog without a hortible outcome . Those are all wins. You know that you are a valuable woman — he even said so. Don’t over think this. It takes two people to make a couple and each brings the good and bad stuff. You don’t know what his baggage is and perhaps that’s what is holding him back. You made awesome strides – good job.

  6. Sending you love from Colorado! I agree with the others and I think this is a sign you are supposed to take care of YOU. If you don’t know what you would do without men to date, I think it’s time you figure out what else you are passionate about.

  7. I wouldn’t have had the strength to resist. You gave it a good shot and you will have to realize that not EVERY man will fall in love with you. I am sure there are at least some that will and that the feeling will be mutual. Leave yourself open for whatever happens and just be the best you that you can.
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