The king is dead.

On the night of our second date when I asked him if he’d like to come up to my apartment and have a glass of wine Rex paused before answering.

“I’d like to talk to you about that, actually.”  I waited as the city skyline shrunk behind us and lights blurred by.  “I’ve been thinking and… I don’t want to be a part of your ‘story’.”

I sat there dumbfounded.  What??  And what did that even mean??

We’d been texting all day every day for a week; he’d call me in the mornings on his way to and from work; send me sexy pics.  We’d just had a terrific date and my offer for him to come up was just to talk more.  I wasn’t ready to have sex with him.

What ensued was a long talk outside my building where I tried — and probably ultimately failed — to convince him of my sincerity about finding a beautiful relationship.  My penchant for large penises loomed large in our discussion on his end and he was very clear that he didn’t want to be “one of many” with proof of my seeing other men on the internet for all to see.

We parted that night with a sweet kiss and a hug and then I shut my front door and cried.

I was serious about opening up, loving someone, bringing someone into my life and this man didn’t believe me.

I knew before we sat in his fancy car that night that it would be a struggle for any man to date me while knowing about the blog and I had given it much thought.  How could I keep writing and be myself while also protecting my privacy and that of the man who was involved with me?

I found the solution: Just like how I am discreet in real life about my dating affairs, so would I be discreet on the blog.  In other words, I wouldn’t write about anyone else I was dating while we were.

He worried that it might not be authentic for me to do so, but nothing could have been further from the truth.  In fact, it felt exceedingly authentic.  I wanted to make this as normal a dating experience as possible for the both of us.

We kept chatting for two more weeks, met up once more, and then we had pot roast, a meal I find generally distasteful; it’s dry, uninspiring, and not the least bit nostalgic.  He loved it — practically licked his plate — and then told me he wasn’t feeling it for me.

I cried that night, too.

And then he disappeared for the weekend which gave me the opportunity to clear my head and figure out my next move.  He was tremendously polite and whenever I’d text he’d reply, but I felt like I was keeping myself on his radar.  When I finally heard back from him it was from my initiation, but then I let it alone.  I wanted to see what he would do without my constant arm waving.

By the following Thursday (a week after I’d made him dinner) our conversations were pleasant but lasted only 5 or so lines a piece.  Friday he was silent and so was I.  And Saturday and Sunday until 9 days later when I texted him this:

So, not to state the obvious or anything, but it’s been a week since we chatted.  Fair to say we’re not exploring options with one another anymore??  Or am I somehow mistaken?

Three days later — today — and I haven’t heard back.  I think it’s safe to say we are no longer dating and I am now released from my self-imposed censoring.  I will begin again to track and share my life until the cycle starts anew with someone else.  If it ever does.

What started out as something promising — checked nearly every box I had — has now devolved to a man in his 50s ghosting me.

I don’t regret one second of this little exercise, though; I learned a lot from this affair of two spirits.

I learned to allow someone else’s inertia to reveal their feelings; to believe someone when they say they don’t want me — a lesson that was nearly impossible for me to grok with The Neighbor because he never left me alone.  I learned that sometimes people’s desire for politeness over conflict will keep you spiraling a drain; I learned that when things are tough you can determine a lot about a person and how they communicate about it.  And I learned that no matter how skilled I am in the kitchen I will never, ever like motherfucking pot roast.

Starting again.

 

Febraury Photofest

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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7 thoughts on “The king is dead.
  1. Well that sucks, but I guess at least you now you know and have int invested a lot of your time in something that was going no where and you also know that if anyone asks for Pot Roast in the future you can tell them, anything but that!

    Mollyx
    Molly recently posted…It’s the contrastMy Profile

  2. Well he obviously is missing out!
    I know it’s cliche, but I”ll say it anyway.. It’s truly his loss.
    Rex if you’re reading this you’ve read way to much into the what if’s and Hy is being honest and doesn’t want “Just one of many”.

    HUGS to you Hy!!
    And chin up.
    XOXO

  3. At least people are communicating with you. Should you rather have them disappear? Disappearing really sucks. You can read the old emails and try to see why you don’t even warrant a little “goodby,” but you won’t ever be able to find out where you went wanting. I say “anything but lack of money” is OK. Painful, but OK.

    If someone just disappears, you can’t go looking. You will gain nothing except to hone your argument that you “are not a stalker”. It is easier if they live far away and you won’t be running into them on the street.

    The question to ask yourself is, “what are you going to say when they decide they really want to see you again”. Especially when you liked them a lot and didn’t see it coming.

  4. Sounds like he was very honest to me. Is your blog such a big deal for blokes. If so you will need to find a guy who is very confident about who he is.

  5. Agreeing w/ Molly, Erich, Joyce, & Jay — seemed like he was honest.

    I wonder, though, if he had ought to hide..?

    REX, dammit; if you KNOW about the blog, can you not SEE with your own eyes that she was being sincere?
    Bah.. you’ve become a Lesson, and you’ve lost out. Tsk. I had hopes…

    Dear Hy,
    Excellent attitude: Learn, “Flush”, (re-)open that space for someone new, move Forward. Bless you, & Good Luck.

    Pls note: the next guy WORTH your time, he won’t need to be “convinced” _by you_ of your sincerity — he will determine it for himself from your interactions.
    Just stay true to your ultimate goal. (Goes w/o saying, I’m sure!)
    x

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