I finished the letter.

And now I don’t know if I’ll send it.

The world seems to be crumbling around us and I can’t be bothered to focus on my anger today.

Instead I’m focused on surviving, trying to pay rent, being healthy, my baby, just living.

But I’m ashamed to admit that a part of the reason I didn’t immediately hit send once I’d proofread it three times and signed my name is because I’m afraid of hurting him.  Even now, two-and-a-half years later, I’m afraid of saying something that will hurt him.  And I’m afraid he’ll say, “No, Hy, you were the asshole.”  But I’ll have to handle it, I want to handle it, I need to handle it.

He’s probably thinking that this is the beginning of us being friends and it’s that misinformed expectation that causes me pause.  I held no punches and described what the last couple of years have been like for me, which have not been pretty.  God, why am I so afraid of hurting him??  All I’m doing is sharing what my life has been like in the wake of our relationship, his lies.

I’m afraid of being wrong.  That’s all it is.  I’m afraid he’ll say, “None of that is true and none of your feelings matter,” just like I was always told as a child.  I have zero experience telling someone they’ve hurt me and getting a sincere and heartfelt apology back and this is even scarier because I don’t have a relationship with this man anymore; I don’t expect an apology, but I suppose I do expect a retaliation.  And I’m ok with that.

I am not expecting him to help me move on or bring closure. 

I’m doing that, that’s my job.  The creation of this letter is purely for me to send it, not for me to receive something back.  I am responsible for me, he’s not.

It would be a dream come true, though, if he came at me on his knees and confirmed all my suspicions of lies and deceit.  It’d be poetic because there’s something sick about having a gut feeling things are off, but being told you’re crazy and not to worry only to discover later you were absolutely right when your boyfriend of 3 years walks out on you one day.  A lot like that paper cut on your tongue as you suck a lemon.

It’s late and I have an early start tomorrow.  I wonder how the letter will read in the light of a Monday morning.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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3 thoughts on “I finished the letter.
  1. I don’t know if you’ll ever send it. I’m not sure it’s the most important thing.
    I believe the most important thing is that you managed to write down your feelings, how this relationship and its downfall made you feel.
    What I think is that, depending on whether he answers, and most importantly how he answers, it will simply confirm the things you sense.
    But you don’t need anyone’s validation to tell you that what you feel is true. It may be misplaced (I don’t believe it is in this case), but your emotions are true. No one can tell you how you should feel. It is simply a fact.
    I’m glad you managed to write that letter.
    It helped me write such a letter in my mind. Now… I’ll get to deliver it one day. And decide then how I proceed forward.
    As long as you don’t do it from a vengeance point of view… as long as it is for you, it can only be helpful.
    I’m sending you hugs as I know how difficult and exacting it is to write such a letter. How much courage it takes to find the right words.
    You’ve got this Hy.
    XO

  2. Hy –

    I agree with Dawn, in that writing the letter itself is cathartic regardless if you send it or not. I have an email sitting in my draft folder that I write to a very close friend that said something that negatively affected me (i.e. hurt). I’ve yet to send the email, I’ve read it a few times and am not sure why I haven’t deleted it, but it did help me to write it as I was able to get the thoughts out of my head.

    I recommend not sending the letter and continue to edit it so that you are able to express all of the thoughts swirling around your mind. Perhaps think of the email/letter as a less expensive therapist…

    Most importantly, there is no wrong decision – whatever you decide is the correct one.

    Best of luck – your internet boyfriends/girlfriends are here for you.

    ~DB

  3. Late, again, to the game.. the show.. whatever..
    Hello again, dear Hy.. :)

    When I read this post — and I intend to catch up on the more recent ones, of course — one of my first thoughts was this:

    “He turned up at the gym he KNOWS you frequent, WITH a new woman in tow, and YOU feel bad for POSSIBLY ‘hurting’ HIS feelings?!? Wha-..?!?!?”

    My immediate next thought went like this:

    “Well, that tells me What / How / Who ‘Hyacinth Jones’ is — a DECENT person, who has CONSIDERATION for others’ feelings.
    Whether or not she ought to send such a Truth-filled letter…
    On the One hand, it might go ‘against’ being considerate.
    On the Other hand, TN rather ‘needs’ to get a taste of his own medicine, IF he has much of a heart (left) to feel any remorse once the Truth becomes known to him.”

    Ah, but many men are just men in that caveman, red-blooded way — thinking with their penises, and little blood going up to the brain..
    (Not all men, of course — I prefer to be Different!)

    I hope it will have been cathartic for you, dear Hy, to have gotten it off your chest & put it all down on paper (and I hope you kept a copy for your own future reference, esp if he tries some low-brow bullshit like ‘I spilled X all over it, it stuck to the kitchen table, it ripped, I couldn’t save it.. so I’m afraid I’ve not read it..’), and whether or not he even reads it, let alone replies, ye may well be FAAAAAR better off simply washing your hands of this one. :P

    A long few years of “hard lessons” — you won’t make THAT mistake again.
    At least there was some fun while it lasted, in certain terms.

    My only other “significant” thought was this:

    We all know TN knows of your blog, and therefore he may well still read it, too.. out of curiosity, possibly.. In that regard, I kinda feel you’re “giving away” some of your “secrets”, in the sense that you write about him in such a way __it reads to me like__ you believe he doesn’t see it..
    (Or playing reverse psychology and hoping he _does_..?)
    So, speaking of (your) expectations (of him), and your inner turmoil.. I wonder, could it achieve any more or, on the flip side, ‘undermine’ your efforts to make him face / see the Truth, once and for all? That is, the blog being a “forewarning” of the Letter, which once received he will just refuse to open / read, and perhaps just bin it… as any other chickenshit would.

    I’m afraid, for my part — and accepting that we only really have “one side” of the “full” story, from you, and nothing really from him (to be fair) — I’m not convinced this prick has backbone enough to (a) read it, (b) take it all in, (c) be Honest with himSELF, AND (d) reply to you in some **meaningful** way.

    Having read about the positive side of your exploits with TN, “back in the day”, I gotta say I’m rather disappointed that he’s turned out to be “just another of THAT type of guy..”
    >:(
    .. and yet guys who are like that STILL get the most attention from women.
    Such lack of logic astounds me. :'(

    Maybe I just need to learn to be a dick.

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