Feeling detached.

Despite eating like it’s my job, I’m feeling good.

I had a revelation this week about intimacy, false intimacy, specifically.

All these years I have struggled with how I am treated because I felt like there were connections, real things occurring between me and the men in my life.  And they were happening, I just called them the wrong things.  

I called them trust and respect and intimacy.  I should have been calling them hunting, playing, and gorging.  

We did the dance of lust and curiosity, girated and slobbered on one another.  Pulled hair and smacked flanks and spent hours cultivating a persona with 26 characters and a few vegetable emojis until our fingers were exhausted and our bellies full of pursuit.  Until we were over as quickly as we started.

I’m wondering how I could have been so wrong for so long, to expect so much of the right answer from the wrong equation.

First of all, how can anyone get to know me if all we do is text then drink in a dimly lit room bathed in each other’s pheromones?

Secondly, they haven’t done anything to earn my trust so why am I so surprised when they’ve broken it?  I hand it out like candy in Halloweeen night like the daddy-hungry little girl that I am.  

I have expected something from nothing, for a rose to bloom out of granite. 

So now I’m on my way to meet a man I hardly know and I don’t care about.  He’s from a neighboring city and used the word “laconic” to describe himself.  He’s 5’7″, good looking, charming as a Labrador and he will suffice for tonight because the truth is… I think I’m ok with nothing right now.

The rose can come later when it makes sense to grow.  Right now, all I want is to feel the honesty of cold, hard rock.  

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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5 thoughts on “Feeling detached.
  1. Sometimes, it’s not what you do but why you do it, how you do it, and what, if anything, you expect. Giving sex is easy and if that’s all you give, that’s usually all you get in return. And, yes, it’s pretty difficult to have something betrayed that you’ve not given or you can’t lose something that you never had to begin with.

    Rocks can provide a strong foundation and when arranged in certain ways, they can be beautiful but one given about rocks is that when you trip over one, fall into one, get hit by one, they can hurt you. Rocks are neither honest or dishonest – they’re just rocks.

  2. Sometimes, it’s not what you do but why you do it, how you do it, and what, if anything, you expect when you do it. Giving sex is easy and if that’s all you give, that’s usually all you get in return. And, yes, it’s pretty difficult to have something betrayed that you’ve not given or you can’t lose something that you never had to begin with.

    Rocks can provide a strong foundation and when arranged in certain ways, they can be beautiful but one given about rocks is that when you trip over one, fall into one, get hit by one, they can hurt you. Rocks are neither honest or dishonest – they’re just rocks.
    Kdaddy23 recently posted…Today’s Bisexual Thoughts: Spit or Swallow?My Profile

  3. I don’t know how to process this post yet, Hy, but my heart goes out to you and, as always, I respect your thoughtfulness and honesty. I also really want to know where you got those boyshorts! They are so cute and I wish I could get some. I miss your posts lately, and looking forward to when you feel like writing more.

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