I’ve lost interest.

I’m angsty and lonely and restless.  My hair is clean and my skin soft.

I itch, but cannot reach the spot.  My body is a broken beautiful vessel, mine to abuse and worship in equal measure.

I’ve seen a lot of men this week, a lot of naked bodies and blood-filled organs.  I’ve felt their urges, their demands on me to fulfill unrequited desires.  Desperation clung to a couple, curiosity on another, friendly fun on a fourth.

I flipped through my phone looking for one soul I wanted to spend time with tonight and the only person whose name I could come up with was my own.  Even the girlfriends I texted who ignored me were pale seconds to my own company.  Fuck them anyway.

So off I go to the bar alone again.

There I will sit, unbothered, freshly bathed, willing and able in a bubble no one can see.  Utterly alone surrounded by humanity.

The $100 I received in the bleary 7 am hour yesterday after a date as a little thank you gift will fund my escapades tonight.  Perhaps I’ve moved my sex life forward in a new direction.  I didn’t feel badly about taking the money.  Have I turned a corner I was unaware was there?

How does anyone ever have interest in someone?  I’ve forgotten how.  Completely.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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7 thoughts on “I’ve lost interest.
  1. I so get this. I’m a little older than you, 53. I’m fed up with what men say they want. I’m choosing to believe that the aren’t in touch with themselves. There isn’t anyone I want to be with and I’m waffling about becoming a sugar baby. Is it something I want to do? I feel at least the exchange would be more honest.

  2. Someone will come along one day and sweep you off your feet, someone who will listen, will rock your world. He’s out there Hy, just have to believe.

  3. Yes, I get it! My own dating life is filled with men who are flakey as f**k. Tonight I could have gone out with an old friend/fwb, but didn’t I wait around for a definite answer. By the time I got back home from my daughters and back to a WiFi connection it was getting late, and yes he wanted to go out, but my mood to go out was gone. So here I sit typing this. Of course, work is on the agenda tomorrow as it always is, so I’ll be good and stay in for the night. But I am feeling restless and lonely still. Ugh!

  4. There was a time I knew exactly what being alone surrounded by humanity felt like. It’s not a pleasant feeling at all, I sympathise with you Hy.
    Now, I know it may sound weird but… I believe the only interest you’re supposed to feel is in taking care of having fun with yourself. You’re not on this earth to be anyone’s entertainer. And no one is here to entertain you either. You’re supposed to figure out how to have fun for yourself.
    I’m not saying don’t have sex any more, as we too often hear. A sex-crazed woman is no more attractive than a sex-crazed man.
    But find out what makes you happy. It could be going dancing, going to the cinema, to a museum… it could very well just be going to the bar, like you did, but because you WANT to, because you know you’ll enjoy the music, people gazing, simply being in the moment. NOT to drown your sorrow and because, no matter how awful that lonely feeling in the middle of a crowd feels, it still feels better than being on your own.
    That’s what I feel reading your post at 5am. I’m hoping you won’t take my words too harshly, for they’re not meant to be harsh.
    And that’s an awful number of ‘feel’ in a short paragraph!
    Hugs Hy. Hang in there. You are deserving of peace and love and happiness just as much as anybody. ❤️

  5. I kind of wish you’d stop writing, Hy. You’ve sounded so sad for so long and I know, as much as I’d like to, there’s nothing I can do to help.
    Just remember there are loads of decent men out there. Thought you probably don’t need any of them as much as you seem to want one.
    Hug.

  6. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sure you have had lots of advice already – some of it meaningful and worthwhile, so I won’t offer any more. Except to say that as you get older (I’m 67) you suddenly realise that life is finite, and you wish you hadn’t wasted such a lot of it. That’s all. Good luck in finding whatever it is you seek.
    Rachel de Vine recently posted…Out of the Darkness – an erotic novelMy Profile

  7. Dear Hyacinth,

    Very interesting about the $100. You know, sometimes people with money just leave a little trail of it behind them. Spend it in joy. Then perhaps you should think about it. I think it is an anomaly, but no matter what it is, don’t ‘guilt’ about it.

    Phil

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