I’m not going to want to marry you.

Or, “You and I will never date.”

Or, “We’ll never be a ‘thing’.”

Or, “We won’t ever be serious.”

Words that never fail to fall upon my ears like long, whispering razors that snake to my bare and beating heart.

Did I ask you to marry me?  To date me, to be a thing?  Have I seemed serious about us???  I thought I was already clear before we ever met that I was not looking for a relationship.

An open woman – one who relies not upon traditional trappings of commitment or even time – is open to all things, not just the few things she actually wants in her life.

There are also uninvited guests in the form of nervous men who think her attitude must be a self-serving [female] plot to entrap him in an unwanted relationship and therefore must be headed off at the pass with a preemptive THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY I DONT WANT YOU.

I have had countless conversations with these men over the years and struggle to not sound defensive or hurt or some combination of the two, and not because I am either of those things, but how do you respond to someone who says that to you without sounding brittle?

When you’ve learned that after a date or two, possibly a handful, after having had sex that he has already – and unilaterally – decided he must remind you that there is no future together.  That you have not made the cut?

So I say, calmly and with some mirth, “Well of course not.  I don’t want to marry/date/be serious either.”

He* exhales breath he didn’t know he was holding.  “Good, because most women end up falling in love with me.  It’s such a problem.

I laugh, pour him some more wine.  Poor guy.

“You and I lead very different lives, Mr. Man.  You see, when you are kind and decent and the sex is good you have to fight women off; they fall in love and they pursue you with vigor and adoration.  If the sex is good, they think it must be love!  Am I right?”

He emphatically nods and appears relieved that I “get it,” this terrible thing that happens to him because he is a tender, intuitive lover and thoughtfully checks in via text every day despite not wanting a “serious” relationship.

Inside I turn black and pieces of my heart flake off and disintegrate.

“Let me tell you my experience, friend.  When I have great sex with someone and feel a connection I treat him with respect and I want to see him again, naturally, right?”

He nods with complete understanding.

“I make this known to my lover and I am then inevitably seen as one of those women who have fallen in love and must be pushed away.  I can neither pursue a connection nor admit I want one lest I turn into some lovesick idiot who confuses sex with love.”

We sit quietly.  Me uncertain he believes me and he probably thinking I might have the most elaborate trap of all.

I want to deny that I could fall in love, but I no longer bother; it’s absolutely possible that feelings could develop for one of these men because I can both fuck and love* – Sunday to Sunday – but what I can’t seem to do is find anyone who wants to do both with me so I cauterise the flow and keep it discrete.

The only difference between me and one of those “other” women he is so intent on avoiding is that I know in no uncertain terms that when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship he is not worth my energy beyond our tangled limbs and his fat, hot meat deep inside my body.

If he doesn’t see a future with me, then neither will I.

Troy seemed to like to tell me all the reasons why he would never date me, then The Neighbor felt similarly inclined.  Never mind I didn’t want to date either of them – Troy was an asshole and TN made it clear he wasn’t into me – yet they each felt it necessary to ward me off, to draw an X between us, a Protego totalum spell against me.  Fuckers.

I broke up with TN 4 separate times based on his heartless prophecy and yet the bastard just wouldn’t leave me alone.  I allowed him to lead me into a relationship he ultimately never wanted and then one cold January day in 2015 he abruptly left me.  The lies he’d lived having crushed us both to smithereens, me to oblivion.

I will never do that again.

If he says he doesn’t want me I believe him.  I heard his sultry voice, I saw the white teeth which shone while the words flowed out of his smile.  Our knees touched on my couch, wine in hands.  He had come over just to hang out and see me.  Sex wasn’t expected, just talk.  He likes me, after all.

But not that much, Hy.  Don’t be a silly girl and fall in love.  He only wants your pussy, your energy, your you.

Well, I only want his* submission.  And I only want his dick.  Two can play at that game, gentlemen, but don’t cry to me about all the women who fall in love with you.  They’re more human than me, they’re normal people with hopes and warm, beating hearts.  They’re lovely and pure and you’re ruining them with your fantastic expectations of connection without any commitment and feelings.  How lazy and entitled can you be?  Shall we love ourselves for you, too?

I don’t love hearing the words they insist on sharing – it makes me feel sideways and miscategorized – but I appreciate the insight because now I know what to do with him.

In the past I was hopeful that he might be wrong about his feelings about me.  He’d wake up one day with me nestled in his nook, our evening sex perfuming the room and another long lazy weekend planned ahead and realize he was in love despite his best efforts to avoid it because I am just that lovable.

Today I know that’s Hollywood bullshit written by writers whose love lives were arrested while reading either romance or fantasy novels due to their bad acne, overbite, and social anxiety.  The little guy always wins!  Except that is truly fiction.

I believe him now, these men.  He sees nothing with me other than the next hot sexual encounter.  I believe him.

But don’t worry about me.  He is safely sorted in the Do Not Pursue file, to be then neatly refiled into the one called Do Not Maintain.  Should I feel a glimmer of feeling – even the slightest flicker of affection – he will be moved to the Must Remove From Life folder immediately.

And I must admit that satisfaction rolled through me like a drug as those very words spilled out of my smile to land on his ears, wine in hands.

*”He” and “his” is not one man, but many.

**A timely tweet by one of my wives, Girl on the Net, a few days after my smile landed on his ears.

 

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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19 thoughts on “I’m not going to want to marry you.
  1. Damn. Girl, you always write things that ring true in my life because I’ve heard the exact thing before. The last guy I just wanted to play with treated me like this. He got all weird and broke it off after a session because I asked to cuddle as a means of aftercare. Then he returned with some rushed explanation Bout that was too much like a relationship and he didn’t want me as a girlfriend. Well, okay I don’t recall asking for one when all I wanted was a spanking, but I’m glad we sorted that.

    It’s funny the ones who say that with the most intensity, I can’t/don’t want to date you, are the ones that drop you and then beg to come back over and over. I seem to make the mistake of letting them back in until the carve off pieces of me I can’t get back.

    All this to say… Girl, same. In more of my dating interactions than I care to think about. To have someone who doesn’t treat me this way is strange. You’re worthy of all the good things, Hy. I hope a guy pops up who is worthy of you because you’re amazing.
    Cara Thereon recently posted…RuminationMy Profile

    1. I hate that you can relate even a little bit. Of course I know I’m not the only one who experiences this kind of thing but it breaks my heart a little that I’m not. It’s a terrible feeling. At once belittling and objectifying and somehow embarrassing. It always makes me want to slap them and say, GO FUCK YOURSELF LOVERBOY. I NEVER WANTED YOU ANYWAY.

      Lots of hugs to you. I’m glad @DomSigns as helped. xx Hy

  2. Well, I can sympathise. It hurts.
    And yet… I promise you I’m not writing a fairy tale. But it’s true that my expectations of what I want from our relationship are different than those you have, I guess. I just want him, and his support, care and love.
    He wants to continue offering me this support, care and love, even if he won’t acknowledge it as such.
    But I have no plans for the future. Just a little bit more of what we have, slowly, at his pace. I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready to move in with someone either, at least not until my kids are grown. I don’t know. Under different circumstances, I might have. But right now… nah, my kids have enough chaos in their lives, they don’t need me to add any.

    I guess, if you accept that you can have feelings that may not be reciprocated yet, then a story like ours is possible. If you want them to love you back when you are ready to love them… it’s a tricky timing to navigate!

    As usual, you know I hope all the best for you Hy! I would say believe their actions more than their words. TN said he didn’t want a relationship, until he did, but then he never really showed it.
    His actions didn’t match his words.
    Believe their actions.

    Big hugs to you Hy!
    XO

    1. I’m happy you’re happy, Dawn, but as you know TN led with his words which he then convinced me to ignore then backed it all up with actions too.

      If your situation is working for you then great, but I think you know you’re a rare case and that you’re also getting by on much less than most of ya would accept. I would eventually need proclamations of love and commitment of some kind or another. I tried to survive on less and it was brutal.

      When men today tell me they have no real interest in me beyond our sexual relationship I accept that wholly, but I resent them telling me that they have additionally decided I am unfit for their long term plans when I’ve never asked to be a part of them. That is my sole complaint here. I just don’t see the point in sharing something that is ultimately useless information that serves to make me feel rejected. It’s complicated…

      Anyway, thank you for your insights . And as always I’m very happy for you and your man. I’m happy you’re content and feel love. Of course you deserve it. xx Hy

      1. Sorry I didn’t come back to you sooner. I’ve not been really well.

        See, I don’t believe TN backed his words with actions. Because if he did, you wouldn’t have felt the need to get out so many times before he broke it off.

        Don’t get me wrong, there are days when proclamations of love would help me greatly (today being one of them). Particularly those days when I doubt myself, when I feel expandable and uninteresting.
        But… you didn’t try to survive on less than those proclamations. You tried to survive on less than those proclamations AND acts that showed you. TN was paying games with you. He wanted you when and where it suited him, but not when you needed him.

        This man isn’t playing games with me. We are talking ahead, neither of us imagines our lives without the other, at least for now. there are things he says that let me know that he misses me, and things he does, or says, that I know he does or says just because he knows I need them.

        I understand that you feel angry at these men who feel the need to remind you always that they don’t see you fit for their lives.
        And I can see where this is different from what I experienced too. I asked him what his plans were early on, that’s when he told me he didn’t mind friendhsip but didn’t want anything serious. He never felt the need to repeat that except that one time when I told him I loved him, and he wasn’t ready yet. I had to make a decision then. I decided I wanted to wait.
        I don’t know where you stayed in my story, but… things have changed quite a lot lately. He still hasn’t said those three little words, but he shows me every day.

        I don’t think I would have stayed with him if he’d told me without any prompt, and/or reminded me often without any reason, that he didn’t want me in his life in the long run.

        I guess our stories are also different in so far that I’m still struggling to get a divorce, so really, there isn’t much for me to offer in my life. When you have been free for many years.
        Maybe that’s why I don’t feel a need to get things going faster? Because I’m still struggling to get out of a shitty long term relationship? You have had time to heal somewhat from yours, and are ready to embark into something different.

        I keep hoping for you that you will get to feel content and loved soon. You deserve it too! XO

  3. This is such a tricky thing. I think I might be in this from the other side.

    I don’t say ‘this won’t work’ because I’m mean. I say it because it’s true. And I want to be clear so that they don’t get blindsided.

    And it’s sometimes true even if I really like them, want to spend more time with them, think they’re amazing (ref: This post is pretty much that same thing). I don’t want there to be any ambiguity, to mislead, but if there’s joy to be had in it, I want to grab it.

    I genuinely don’t know a kind way to be clear that ‘I’m enjoying this with you, but there’s no future in it’. NOT saying it is more cruel than saying it (though obviously NOT hammering away to ‘splain their perceived flaws is a given here!).

    I guess the alternative is to just say ‘no, not interested’ and walk away, but usually neither of us want to do that. I’m not sure that would be better, but maybe it would.

    I’m not dismissing or diminishing your hurt, I completely understand it. I just don’t know how to be up-front and honest about it without creating it.

    I wish there was an easier way to navigate it. All of it.

    Ferns

    1. I completely understand where you’re coming from but perhaps you and your men are considering something long term if the fit is right. In that case there will always be a moment of reckoning, of yay or nay, and it the responsible and kind thing to do.

      If I were also [admittedly] open to something long term with these men then we would need a check in such as this, but this continues to happen to me with men with whom I have said up front that I am not interested in a serious relationship.

      What bothers me and gets me out of joint is their insistence on rejecting me “officially” when I haven’t even tried to get them to date me. It’s man ‘splaining at its worst!

      It’d be like telling a rich man he can’t have your money. Ummm. He wasn’t asking for any.

      It just seems like an additional – and senseless – way to mistreat someone. I get that they’re setting expectations, but they were never NOT set. Who are they telling?? Me? I don’t need to be reminded. Themselves?? Well can’t they do that without being shitty?

      Anyway, our situations are a bit like apples to oranges. Both fruits and sweet, but different bites in our mouths ;). Thank you for helping me flesh it out further. xx Hy

  4. Recently you were close to the Pacific Ocean? Perhaps you went swimming? If you ventured far into the sea, like beyond the surf line, you must have felt it. The ocean is not to be trifled with and it will have its way with you. It is immensely strong on a planetary level. It is implacable and it may let you think you are having your way, but it’s just not so. It is best to give cooperation and not to try and overcome. It will take you where it will and with your patience it will give you a great ride when the third wave of the third set arrives. You can’t fight it or you stand the chance of drowning.

    Sometimes I don’t understand your fight. This is one of the reasons I follow your blog. I only hope that it has a happy ending. I guess that I mean that I hope the process isn’t the ending in itself. Don’t mistake this for judgement. I have only my own life expierience to draw on and I am far from a sage.

    1. Phillip, I’ve got to be honest, I don’t understand your analogy whatsoever.

      Are you saying it appears I’m fighting things beyond my control? If that’s the case, that’s not the correct response because I’m not fighting anything. Are you saying that I misdirect my efforts? Because that’s also incorrect; my efforts are exactly where they should be.

      This post is about man ‘splaining casual sex and arrangements and its effect on me. I resent it. Is that what you’re addressing? That I shouldn’t be bothered? If that’s true then I’ll flip the switch on my way out, but until then I can’t help but feel what I feel.

      I know you’re not judging me – and I’m not being bitchy, though it may appear that way – but I do t know for certain that we’re talking about the same things and if we are, I don’t think we view it similarly.

      1. Dear Hyacinth,

        Once fifty years ago I met a woman/girl in a bar. I thought that a bar was an unlikely place to meet anyone who might fit with me like the missing piece of a puzzle. I was evicted from my apartment ( I stayed until they served me) and had packed all of my possessions into my 1950 Chrysler. The woman I had been seeing (from the bar meeting) let me stay at her apartment for a couple of nights. Her landlady then evicted her. I walked up the street and found a little house for rent. I called the landlord and arranged to meet him at the house the next day to finalize the deal. One can’t do this anymore. Computers have made it impossible to do anything so casually. First month and no security deposit. The lady and I ferried out mutual belongings up the street and moved in. It was a funky place, but it was ours. I don’t even remember going to bed, but I do remember waking up. She was in fact the first ‘girlfriend’ who ever stayed overnight without having to leave as the sun came up. She was staying and we had two weeks of history! I rolled over and saw her long dark hair played out over the pillow and I knew that this was how I wanted to live my life. I have a photographic memory and the feeling returns. So I just let the ocean take me and I didn’t struggle to have my way with it. We didn’t last forever, but we lasted long enough. If we had been older and wiser I think we would still be together. She now lives in a distant city and I call her sometimes. It feels as though no time has passed. There have been others since, but she is the one who was first and never forgotten . I have been married now for over forty years. It has been a long and sometimes difficult trip, but I just remember that this is what I found I wanted so many years ago. I cannot imagine otherwise.

        This may be strange for you to read, but I worry about you. I may be doing the worrying for you. I hope that some morning upon waking the magic happens for you and also for the man you are with.

        Sincerely, Phillip

  5. There’s not much you like about men is there? Other than, as you like to say, “their big dicks”. Everything you and your followers have just said, is true of women too. For every asshole guy you’ve met, I’ve met an asshole woman. Contrary to what you and your posters believe, males do not have a monopoly on asshole behavior. I wonder if your, and their, strong distaste for male behavior a way of not dealing with or acknowledging your own inadequacies and missteps?

    1. I love how transparently misguided you are, Wayne.

      If you’d like to write about your experiences with asshole women go right ahead. In case you missed my About page, this is a one-sided, biased blog. I am not an impartial journalist, but neither am I an authority on anything other than my own experience.

      Please, for the love of God, get a grip on yourself.

      Your resentment of my views and the way in which I live my life are so over-simplified. I write about MY experiences. I am NOT saying that all men in the universe are bad. Additionally, I am choosing to reveal only *this* much of myself. Why do you insist on assuming everything from that? You’re embarrassing yourself honestly and I’m not sure you realize that.

      Look, you wrote a while back that no where does it say I only want agreeing comments – and it’s true – but instead of questioning your reactions to my writing (Hi Hy, I’m confused. Are you saying all men are like this?) you literally attack me for what you think I’ve said (Hy, you’re an idiot and a bigot and are saying all stupid shit because reasons).

      I’m overjoyed you enjoy my writing (See? I don’t discriminate), but could you do me a favor and slow down before passing along such laughably insensitive judgment to me and my friends? Please?

      By the way, I don’t know any man in real life who treats me with such outward disdain and nastiness as you do, but you don’t see me saying “all men on the internet are assholes.” You will hear me say that A LOT of men on the internet are though. It’s how you treat people, Wayne, that matters especially when you disagree with them. It shows empathy and kindness.

      And now I’ll brace myself for what will likely be another attack from you, but I’m hopeful I will be wrong. Hy

      1. I want you to know I read your post slowly and carefully. Thank you for your observations and criticisms.. Differing opinions and viewpoints are always a good thing. They stimulate growth and development in all of us. I do not agree with all of your observations, but do accept your criticism of my empathy. I am not an empathetic person, never have been. Empathy was demonstrated to me by my parents and others. It was certainly modeled in their words and actions, but it was something I choose to ignore then, and it remains something I have little interest in developing now. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your criticisms

        1. I’m not sure if I feel flattered or hurt. Since I’m feeling very positive and its so near Christmas, I’ll choose flattered. Thank you, Ann.

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