I found Two More Dissolutes – October edition

N. Likes  and I have fallen off our wagon.  July hit and neither one of us passed on a blog to the other.  Then August, then September.  It wasn’t until this month that I felt inspired and apparently he felt the same way.  Anything on a schedule is hard to produce when your blog is literally an extension of your id: feel, do, done.

Having said that, we’ve gotten our acts together and refined our goals.  Our Two More Dissolutes will come once monthly — hopefully — and not necessarily at the first of the month, but whenever the mood strikes us.  I think this will lend a more authentic feel to what we bring to you.  It’ll be an organic secret sex blog or two!

Hy’s pick:

Cara Thereon

Hy’s thoughts:

My original hope for Two More Dissolutes was to bring my readers someone as yet unfamiliar, but what I’ve found is that I have my haunts and I stick to them.  I thought that listing them in my Dissolutes tab was good enough, or even my sidebar called More Dissolutes, but it’s not.  Y’all are still missing out on some of my favorite writers and one in particular, Cara Thereon.

As Cara will tell you herself, she’s a shy person in real life and uses the internet as a tool to open up and push her boundaries.  For the past 10 years she’s been honing her writing skills in one form or another and when I first “met” her online, she had a different pseudonym and a different blog name.  The content has always been stellar no matter what nom de plume tops the page.  I was instantly drawn to the fragility she inadvertently let bleed through her personal posts and titillated by her vibrant fiction.  She is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside a mystery and I’m happy to count her among my favorite writers.

I don’t typically read erotic fiction, or even erotica, believe it or not, but Cara inspires me to plug in to whatever it is she writes.  She’s passionate, intelligent, sexy and thoughtful.  As with any blog I read, I much prefer the personal anecdotes — such as her Obscure Blog post  — but still adore her flash fictions, such as her Stories I Create on the Train series (click here and scroll down to suggested posts for all the links).

Most recently she published an “unedited sketch” as she calls them and blew me the fuck awayI couldn’t tell what I was reading; it put me on edge, made me feel off balance, turned on.  It was fluidly jagged, brusque, deep.

Here’s an exerpt:

But I watch him in the moonlight. Watch the play of pleasure on his face, watch the controlled thrusts into my body, watch the way he holds me down. I watch every move, my body all his, my mind far off.

His face becomes familiar to me in that time. I know him by the end. I’ll have memories of the feel of him inside me, the shape of his body, and his scent lingering beneath the smell of sex.

So please, if you haven’t already, make Cara a regular part of your reading repertoire.

N.Likes’ thoughts:

I’m a big fan of Cara, too. I linked to her as recently as a month ago, and I read her religiously. (I have a list of about ten-fifteen blogs of which I read each entry; hers is one. Honestly, I’m not sure why she’s not on my blogroll – I really should fix that.)

I’m with Hy – I prefer the posts in which Cara writes explicitly about herself, rather than the ones in which she writes explicitly about sex, actual or fantasized. Cara is vulnerable, and self-disclosing, and raw, and she trusts us readers with her insecurities and rawness, and it’s awesome to behold.

She’s a terrific, fluid, elegant writer, but what I really like on her blog is her exploration of her discomfort, and pain, and anxiety, and uncertainty, and loneliness. Not in a schadenfreude way – in a “she makes me care, and interested” way.

Definitely check her out.

 

N. Likes’ pick:

N.’s thoughts:

Cande – The Secret Diary of an Online Stripper – on paying for sex

Cande, who writes one of the few blogs I follow, has posted a couple of times recently on the behavior of men, some of whom are her friends, with respect to sex tourism and commercial sex/sex work/prostitution.

I’ve written a lot on commercial sex, but I had a strong reaction to several bits of her recent posts, and my response was a little more than fits in a typical blog post comment. Cande has seen much of what I write here. We’ve had a really good, robust conversation behind the scenes in the lead-up to my posting this. So please don’t read any of what I write here as in any way suggesting I don’t think highly of Cande. I do. Sometimes I disagree with her, but mostly, I’ve just been impressed with her willingness to consider alternate ways of thinking about things.

First, her posts:

1) this one, in which she described some friends of hers who recently went to Budapest on a sex tourism jaunt, and
2) this one, in which she revisited some of the things she previously had said/thought, and wrote a bit more about prostitution in general.

I think the best way for me to do this is simply to quote her, and then to offer my response, but before I do that, a thought on the set-up: in my life, the vast majority of sex workers I’ve paid for sex, I’ve paid on my own, outside of a social context (and in a fairly shame-ridden context). There are exceptions. I have, on a couple of occasions, had “erotic massages” with a date. I have brought dates to strip clubs. And I’ve been to bachelor parties in strip clubs. (My own bachelor party, a co-ed affair, featured a stop at a strip club.) But in general, my relationship to commercial sex work is a highly personal one. When I’ve paid for sex, I’ve been paying for a highly personal experience, not one that I’m enthusiastic about sharing with others. And I’ve done it in the United States, almost exclusively. Not in Europe. Not in the developing world. Where, I imagine, things are likely very different. And even here in the U.S., I have the sense that the sex work industry really isn’t one place – it’s lots of places, with lots of different types of things going on. I find that I can rarely go wrong by imagining that things might be more complex than I imagine….

That said….

The thought of joining hands with five friends and heading off to [insert destination here] for the explicit purpose of procuring sex is unthinkable to me. Not unthinkable in a judgmental way. It’s simply not something I’d ever do. It just doesn’t appeal. So I start from there. What she’s talking about her “friend” having done is wholly unfamiliar to me. And, if I’m honest, it’s pretty distasteful to me. Not so much because of the transactions and actions, but because of the un-self-conscious importation of it into the social sphere where it just feels a bit… icky… to me.

Now, on to the quotations:

“The whole story had me disappointed in men. I found it rather nasty and off putting to be honest.”

Disappointed in men? This was six men. If they had been six black men, would you have been disappointed in blacks? I don’t mean to be harsh, but how can you extend whatever judgment you feel of these six louts to my entire gender? (I’m not often a defender of my gender. We do a lot of bad shit. But this feels to me unfair/wrong. Or at least, not quite as thoughtful as I might like.)

[As I wrote above, I showed Cande this before posting it here, and she had some thoughts on it. I expect she may expand on them further over at her site. I don’t want to characterize them here, but suffice it to say, I think that, for the most part, she agrees with my point.]

“These guys had even looked into paying professionals for sex, but when they got wind of prices he said they were much too high, somewhere around 300 euros. 300 euros doesn’t sound like a lot to me.”

My experience as a consumer of commercial sex services was that, as with anything, there are different products at different price points. I have a good friend who had some behaviors similar to mine once upon a time, but his tastes brought him to Asian massage parlors, where the cost was a quarter or even less what I paid in the “college- and grad-student” parlors.

My tastes in sex (as in Scotch) tend to run to the expensive. But the truth is, the product is different. There are some sex workers who probably don’t make 300 euros in a night. And there are others who make more than that in each encounter. I have the sense that what you mean when you say “300 euros doesn’t sound like a lot to me…” has a predicate to it that’s unspoken, “… for what this poor woman is doing to herself/giving up/giving away.” I’m not defending these guys. They sound a bit like louts. (If I did go on a sex tourism jaunt, I sure as hell wouldn’t talk about it with female coworker acquaintances I barely know.)

But I wonder a bit about the construction of sex work you have that says that 300 euros doesn’t sound like a lot. Many (most) white-collar professionals earn less than 300 euros per hour (or per two hours, or per job, or whatever). Is it possible you’re contributing to the stigmatizing of sex work/ers by the internal conception you have of the job, of how distasteful/unpleasant/unfortunate you imagine it to be? In other words, 300 euros is a LOT. It may not be enough for you to consider having sex for it. But it is, objectively, a lot as an hourly wage.

“The price thing especially bothers me because I know that 90% of the girls here are imported on false pretense and they have a whole organization who takes most of the money they earn.”

Um, huh? You “know” that? Which parts of it do you know? 90%? False pretense? Whole organization? Most of the money?

How do you know that?

Here, I refer you to Maggie McNeill, the Honest Courtesan, a former prostitute who has written extensively on “sex trafficking.” She argues, persuasively, I think, that the vast majority of “sex trafficking” is simply “economic migration,” but for people migrating to engage in sex work.

To be clear, I’m not saying that there aren’t women who are victims of exploitation. Surely there must be. But the way we tend to think, and talk, about sex work, and economic migration associated with it, and the organizational structures that support it, has a lot more to do with our biases about sex work and sex workers than it does to do with the way the world actually works.

Incidentally, in all of my years as a CPOS, with the hundreds (literally) of women I saw, I sincerely doubt that I ever saw a woman who was “imported on false pretense,” or who was working for “a whole organization who takes most of the money.” I don’t think this is naivete. My friend who frequented Asian massage parlors surely had a different experience than did I. But it’s a mistake to generalize. Sex work is an industry, and it’s hardly monolithic.

One note here: I have the sense that sex trafficking – to the extent that’s a thing – and economic migration associated with sex work probably look very different in different parts of the world, and from different parts of the world. Just as economic migration associated with any form of work looks different in different places. My knowledge is limited to my experience. I don’t pretend to global knowledge here.

“If I had to choose between the bf falling in love with another woman and cheating on me that way, or him going and having sex with a prostitute, I’d likely be more upset about the prostitute. Especially if I put it onto equal ground saying unprotected sex in both cases”

I find this fascinating. Obviously, it’s Cande’s truth. But I’m so curious about why? What is it about “going and having sex with a prostitute” that’s worse than “falling in love with another woman”? This suggests to me that there’s almost a sense of taint, of pollution, that’s associated with the act of paying (a whore) for sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with having such a sense – there may well be, in Cande’s mind. But it’s intriguing to me.

And what is it about “unprotected” sex with a prostitute (as opposed to with a non-prostitute) that’s so disturbing? Again, see Maggie McNeill for statistics on sexually transmitted infections and prostitutes, but my own sense is that prostitutes in general – allowing for exceptions at the very bottom of the sex work food chain – are probably more diligent about safer practices than are sex amateurs. Certainly,

Once again, I wonder if there’s not something… dirty… to Cande about paying for sex. And something dirty about the people whom one pays for sex. And I wonder if what Cande’s really saying is that she’d be pissed off if her boyfriend exposed her to the taint transmitted by an unclean whore, more pissed off than she’d be if he exposed her to the risk transmitted by a non-whore affair.

In Cande’s and my discussion via e-mail, I wrote this to her:

One final thought about “cleanliness.” I think that we think a bit… magically… about sex. Some of this is biological. When women have sex with men, they’re allowing another human into their body. But. It’s not at all clear to me that having sex with a man is, necessarily, “dirtier” (or riskier, or whatever) than shaking hands. Hear me out: which interaction do you think transmits more germs, more diseases? In absolute terms? In relative terms? In my experience, sex is a relatively “clean” endeavor. Particularly, I should say, with sex workers. The sex workers I’ve had sex with had, as a rule, showered more recently than the non-sex workers I’ve had sex with. They used condoms more reliably. … [I]t seems to me like now we’re talking about something other than simple cleanliness or dirtiness, but more like “pollution/taint.” A shower, after all, cleans a cock nicely. And if disease is your concern, there are lots of ways of addressing that concern.

I think, really, what you mean is that a woman who’s been paid to have sex with men (and btw, I think many sex workers haven’t had sex with “hundreds” of men) is “dirty” in a way someone who hasn’t isn’t. And there’s something about the way in which she’s “dirty” that “rubs off” on guys who put their dicks in her.

I don’t think we’re talking about germs, or disease, here. I think we’re talking about purity, about moral valence. And while, of course, you’re free to think that way, it’s always interesting to me when smart people think in terms of “cooties,” of a sort of magical transmission of moral valence.

“What I don’t get though is why men feel the need to resort to it. Don’t get me wrong, I get it on some level but on another I just don’t. It’s like men have absolutely no control over their sexual urges. But they do. I’ve seen it…. Are men totally incapable of dealing with their urges in any other way?”

This last question is interesting, as it proceeds from the presumption that “any other way” would be preferable to paying for sex. I had ongoing relationships with women I paid, women I got to know, to like, to care a bit about. Relationships that had far more depth than, say, a one-night-stand achieved with much uncertainty at the end of a long evening of judgment-impairing drinking. I’m not really defending paying for sex. I’m explaining how what Cande wrote struck me as wrong.

I think that many men don’t “feel the need to resort to it.” They choose to resort to it. (I wasn’t, I should say, one of these men. I was a man who did feel the need to resort to it, and it was because of the shame associated with this that I would keep it so far from my social life.) But most men, I think, don’t pay prostitutes to fuck them out of desperation or “need.” Particularly not “sex tourist” men. I think you’re seeing something else in their behavior –maybe a desire to use their relative wealth and power to provide them with pleasurable sexual experiences. Or maybe a desire to exert greater control over their sexual experiences than “any other way” might provide them.

All of which begs the big question as far as I’m concerned: Cande, what’s wrong with paying a prostitute for sex?

Hy’s thoughts:

I dig Cande’s space, I like her non-North American or Western-ness and I like her candor. I got lost on several of her more recent posts and I really dig her.  I just love it when people put themselves on paper!

In regards to this topic in particular, I think N. is drilling down much further than I would’ve had I read it on my own.  The first thing I thought about was that the BF needed to wrap it up and not be a fucking dick about unprotected sex.  WTF, man??

As far as her belief that she’d be at more risk with a prostitute, it’s not unfair to assume that a sex worker might have more opportunities for an STD to break through her safe sex defenses than one who doesn’t have sex for a living.  In any case, I get that.  And as far as how she’d rate falling in love with a woman vs fucking a prostitute… well, she and the BF have some serious issues.  I dunno… I automatically assumed that it’s much deeper than it appears.

Cande’s critiques of her friend also seems appropriate to me.  My jaw would  be on the floor to learn that someone went with a group to another country to stick it in to someone else.  What?  Can’t get any prostitutes Stateside??  Of course I’m speaking from an American perspective where traveling abroad is a huge endeavor.  Obviously in Europe and the Middle East it’s a lot easier, but the point remains that her friend spoke of the entire trip like he went on a themed retreat, like to a roller coaster park or something.  He bitched about the cost of the rides.  No woman wants to hear of other women being reduced to the dollar amount they charge for being fucked.   It’s just fucking rude because she isn’t just a ride.  Comparatively, I also wouldn’t want to hear anyone bitch about the price of their interior designer, either.  You get what you pay for and the one providing the service gets to set the cost, period. Get over it.

There are so many points “to take up” with the post in regards to sex-work and biases and such that it’s not really worth it.  I mean, she wrote from the heart, and as a woman I get it.  I don’t think she’s at all wrong to feel distaste at her friend’s idea of a great vacation idea and I can see why she’d look at dudes in general and scratch her head at their choices.  Certainly doesn’t mean she thinks all men are dipshits, just her friend, right?

I found Two More Dissolutes – June edition

N. Likes and I are doing this thing each month.  It’s kinda cool.

Hy’s pick:

Girl With a One Track Mind

Hy’s thoughts:

I’m going old school and pointing everyone’s nose towards the OG of sex bloggers, Abby Lee (aka Zoe Margolis), of Girl With a One Track Mind.

Ten years ago she began documenting her sex and dating life and held nothing back.  She ruminated on anal, blow jobs, wanking in bathrooms, and every sex-related thing you could imagine.  Then, about a year later, she was offered a book deal.  Things were going swimmingly until she was outted and her anonymity stripped from her.  She managed to bounce back, but as she says in her latest post, she hasn’t fully recovered trust in humanity in general.  That’s understandable.

She basically lived through my worst nightmare.

But besides being impressed by her resilience, her writing is swift and likeable, sorta like an x-rated Bridget Jones (I have no idea if she’s been likened as that before, but there you have it) and it’s almost impossible to not relate to her inner dialogue (I’m extremely curious to see how N. responds! haha).

I don’t have one particular post to highlight because her archives are so vast; I recommend just getting lost in them.

N’s thoughts:

Loved GwaOTM back in the day. Hy’s totally right: her combination of sexiness and thoughtfulness is catnip to me. And her story – sexy woman writes compelling blog, morphs it into a book, and gets outed by national media is pretty fucking terrifying to any sex blogger. (A thought or two on sex blogging, dating, and anonymity in an upcoming post…). She wrote another book, and seems, for the most part, to have morphed into a mainstream British writer/media personality, rather than a blogger.

Sadly, the blog hasn’t been written regularly since 2008 or 2009. Hy’s right: the archives are vast, and getting lost in them is incredibly fun. I recommend starting at the beginning, and reading forward from there. There’s no useful organization of the blog – no tags, no categories, no way to read thematically, so it’s either read from the beginning, or just read randomly.

So I’m with Hy on this – read this blog – it’s awesome. And who knows, maybe GwaOTM will blog again soon!

N’s pick:

Sinclair Sexsmith – Feminist vs. BDSM

N.’s thoughts:

The Historian, as I’ve written, haunts me. We’re friends, in and out of touch. And we have sex occasionally. Every two or three years, it seems, currently. Which is not, by my figuring, anywhere near often enough. But hey.

She suggested, a week or three ago, this post, and while I’m pretty sure I’ve linked to Sinclair Sexsmith’s “Sugarbutch Chronicles” before, she’s right – it belongs here among our other dissolutes.

They (Sexsmith’s preferred pronoun for themselves) are smart, kinky, hot – all the things I like. This post, about the conjunction of feminism and submission, does a better job than I ever could of explaining BDSM, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism, in the context of staunch feminism. Thank you, Mr. Sexsmith. Great job! And thank you, Historian, for reminding me of Mr. Sexsmith. (Now, when are we seeing each other again?)

Hy’s thoughts:

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to anyone that I FUCKING LOVED THIS.  I have given that speech (the whole damn post, basically) numerous times to numerous groups of people.  Their list of things to consider is the cornerstone of my belief systems and how I choose to view the world and educate people.

I could go on, but I’ll rein it in there.  But, seriously, I am squee’ing all over the place right now.  It’s not every day you see your own thoughts written out by another, after all.  And they’re hot.  So hot.  I love butch-y, androgynous, queer folk.  Mmmm!

I found Two More Dissolutes – May edition

I’m enjoying this thing N. Likes and I are doing; it’s forcing me to peek my head out of my hole.

Hy’s Pick:

Pyx Syncopation

Hy’s Thoughts:

This month, I’d like to draw your attention to Pyx Syncopation.  She’s not a complete stranger around these parts as I know many of you are her friends, but she’s kinda new to me and that’s the point of this whole thing.

Pyx is introspective about her actions, where she came from, and she leads a very sexual life (husband, boyfriend, plus dates) which she categorizes as a high priority in her life.  When I read her, I find myself nodding and hmm’ing and thinking, “I’d like a drink with this woman!”  I also get turned on, something which rarely happens to me from personal sex blogs.  Ironic, right?

In fact, as I was researching this month’s pick, I found myself embarrassingly turned on with my baby in the other room watching Scooby Doo.  If The Neighbor were here with us, I might give him a quick blowjob or have him stick it in for a quick orgasm, but when I’m on my own… well, I just feel pervy and teased.

Anyway, she did it to me, her writing.  Her frank appraisal of her motivations, her frustrations, her descriptive, yet casual prose.

The piece I’m thinking of  in particular was this one, Sexual Habitual II, written just three days ago.  Her husband knows everything she needs and wants and does it in this vignette, wordlessly, like a symbiotic dance partner.  And it turned me the fuck on.

N.’s thoughts:

Ooh, yeah. This is a good blog. A smart person, writing smartly, about sex and relationships and stuff. Yay! Thank you, Hy!

Like Hy, I rarely get turned on reading personal sex blogs. In fact, I rarely read personal sex blogs. They really don’t do much for me. But this is much more than just a 21st century version of an annotated notched bedpost. I like!

N. Likes’ Pick:

Tits and Sass

This month, I call your attention to this blog. The blog is a group blog run by sex workers, mostly in the U.S., but internationally as well. I discovered the blog, I suspect, following a trail from Maggie McNeill’s “The Honest Courtesan,” a blog that is overwhelmingly good, and that I’ve written about many times before – and that I list in my blogroll off to the side over there —->.

Tits and Sass is widely varied – because it’s a group blog, it features all sorts of stuff, ranging from Stoya’s writing trenchantly about SNL’s poor parodies of porn stars to a “cam girl” writing about the experience of “Downsizing My Rack.” I’m finding lots to read on the blog, and lots that’s interesting.

There’s lots to choose from on the blog, but my pick for “Two More Dissolutes” this month is “Loving Don Draper: Economics and Intimacy in an Abolitionist World.” Because, you know, I love Mad Men, am fascinated with the Don Draper character, and I like sex, and have enjoyed consuming the services of sex workers, even if it was, for me, mostly in a deeply unhappy context that I did so.

Read the post. It’s a bit academic (it has ten footnotes). But it’s very thought-provoking and informative. It’s sort of the opposite of last month’s link. It delves deep, both emotionally and theoretically, into just how and why sex work can be complicated, in a way that is honest and raw, and at the same time, disciplined and thoughtful.

I wish to god there were more writing like this from johns, from the consumers of the services of sex workers. Sadly, though, the province of writing and thinking about the meaning and consequences of the commodification of sex, and the business of selling sex, is limited almost exclusively to women. (If anyone knows any interesting writing by men on the subject, please, please point me in that direction. I’m hungry for it.)

Hy’s thoughts:

I’m always fascinated by sex workers and their experiences.  Whenever I had no money, I used men and my body for nice dinners and without shame or guile.  I’m pretty sure we all knew what was up — it’s the economics of dating — but I was never able to make the jump to actual sex work.  I was simply too afraid of being caught by the police.  (I get nervous when a mall cop passes me.)

This piece N. chose is particularly interesting to me because of its peek into the emotional management side of sex work (managing the “SOFFS”, for example).  A sex worker has to shore up her arsenal of feminist logic, explain “abolitionist feminism,” I’m sure, too, be on guard on guard on guard.  It sounds mostly exhausting.  I wish sex work were different here, safer, regulated like all the other work we get paid to do. Maybe a little easier.

What’s the difference between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy?  At this point, a few laws and a judgement or two.

Anyway, I admit to skimming parts of the post simply because the paragraphs were too large and I needed more time and space to process.  That’s not a knock against the writer as much as it’s an admission to my own mental deficiencies.  But I liked her tying in Don Draper, his personal shame and anger, into people’s projections onto sex workers (dirty whores!).

It was thought provoking and made me feel a little bit smarter.  I’m not all that interested in all the politics, per se, but I am interested in the message: sex positivity, sex worker’s rights, a light shone on our own cultural shortcomings, and misogyny in general.

Plus, a anytime Don Draper is used as an example, I’m hooked.  Looks like N. and I have another thing in common!

 

 

I found Two More Dissolutes! – April edition

The first Monday of each month, N. Likes of My Dissolute Life and I will be highlighting two other bloggers whom we find to be  share-worthy/intriguing/awesome/funny/controversial/fill-in-the-blank.  We share our picks with one another and then give our two cents, so our readers get two takes on two new writers.

This month, I couldn’t resist a blogger that hardly needs my help (I already have her in my sidebar), but whom I so greatly respect I felt compelled to share her more officially with you all, and N., well, he found a doozy of a writer that I think will make everyone stroke their chin a little – and no, that’s not a euphemism.

Two More Dissolutes

N’s pick:

The Amsterdam Diaries

N’s thoughts:

I’m interested in reading men write about sex. Oddly, I’ve found precious little of it on the internet, and most of what I’ve found that’s been interesting to me has been by men who have sex with men (for example, I’m a big fan of this blog). Thanks to L, I recently discovered this series of accounts by a British man of his adventures with the women who work in Amsterdam’s Red Light District. I’m not linking to a specific post, but rather, to the whole blog. It’s fascinating to me.

Mostly, I have to say, because it is so unappealing to me. The model of prostitution – and of sex with prostitutes – documented by this man seems holds no appeal for me. He comes across as unsentimental, something of a tender sociopath. He’s not a sadist, he’s not cruel, but the women he describes hardly come across as anything other than the possessors of holes – holes which, for fifty euros he can do various things with/to. I’m not really sure what to do with his writing. He writes well, he recounts his sexual encounters, but the unapologetically transactional nature of everything about which he writes is singularly off-putting to me. The blog ends up being compelling at the same time that it’s neither hot nor particularly thoughtful or thought-provoking.

I found myself wondering (in a bit of terror) as I read, “Is this how I sound? Am I this oblivious, indifferent, to the women I have sex with?” I sure hope not. I like women. I really like the women I have sex with. Not just because they have sex with me, because they “let” me finger them, or fuck them. But because they conspire with me to invent a super-hot reality that gets us both off.

But if you want to get a comprehensive, if highly specific, take on the Amsterdam red light district, this is a great place to do it.

Hy’s thoughts:

Man… I don’t even know what to say.  I am totally turned off by this writing and only mildly interested from a psychological stand point, like, what the fuck?  His writing is unapologetic, not at all introspective, and his callousness towards the act of sex is basically uninteresting to me.  But, apparently he has an audience.
My feelings about the blog are also unrelated to prostitution.  I’m generally ambivalent about the whole thing (prostitution, I mean) and so long as everyone consents, I really don’t give a fuck.  My hopes for it are for the sex workers’ safety, satisfaction (work-wise, not necessarily sexually, though that’d be awesome, too), and autonomy (whatever that means or looks like to her).

Obviously, I haven’t read the entire blog, but I think it was him writing “Whatever, in the interests of research she will do,” in regards to having sex with a “plump girl” (who also might as well be fat because his preference is strictly for toned women), that made me feel like I was done.  It’s all too manual-like for me.  I prefer to know and feel the human interest in someone’s writing, not just learn about a human’s interest.

If I ever decide to fuck a Dutch prostitute I know whose blog I’ll read, but until then…

N’s postscript:

I don’t disagree with anything Hy says. Except. I think glimpses of unfamiliar worlds, particular those having to do with sex, generally are interesting to me, especially to the extent that they portray those worlds not so much naturalistically as through the eyes and mind of the viewer. This is what I like, what I find compelling about this blog. It exposes me to a world, a way of thinking, I’d otherwise never know.

Hy’s postscript:

And No, N. you do NOT come across as a gentle sadist who is just looking for the next hole.  You come across as a wonderfully horny man who digs the sex with the women.  That dude just sounds like a consumer.

Hy’s pick:

Girl on the Net’s On Extreme Porn Close-ups.

Hy’s thoughts:

I couldn’t have said it better than Carina did herself: it becomes gynecological.  I’ve always figured that I like to see what I might normally see during an encounter, and even though I occasionally fuck chicks, I have never spent much time looking directly up into her vagina.  It’s more of a glance to see the lay of the land and then I get down to business.  Those close up shots in porn make me distinctly uneasy and ruin any kind of “moment” for me.
So there’s that.

But then the comments of this particular post take the whole conversation of porn somewhere entirely else.  Some reader decides to say that all porn is anti-feminist and openly misogynistic.  Girl on the Net responds succinctly and directly, politely.

It’s exactly this about her, her openness and clarity — which allows her to claim disagreement in an intelligent, thoughtful way — that brings me back around again and again.

In general, she also writes about sexy, real, provoking themes and experiences and her honesty is unmistakeable.  She doesn’t write erotica, per se, she writes about sex, sexuality, and herself from a self-deprecating feminist voice that I thoroughly delight in.

I feel smarter after I’ve read her.  Plus, she and I feel similarly about lots of other things, too.

N’s thoughts:

Yup. I agree totally. I love GOtN. She’s in my sidebar, and I read her every post. I remember when she wrote this, and I agreed then. I just re-read the comments and was struck by some of the claptrap that’s been written there.

She is a truly great writer. Unapologetic, smart, funny, iconoclastic. Read her.

I found Two More Dissolutes (March).

N. Likes and I have joined forces to bring to our readers two new (to us) sex writers each month, two new dissolutes, if you will – ha!  The catalyst for this project was a shared sense that our circles were small, that it’s really difficult to find new writers, and whenever a top list of writers gets released, the process for choosing and ranking is often a mystery.

I’ve been so honored over the past two years to make several lists of top sex blogs and they’ve helped me to find new people to read, but they’re often annual and they are often mixed in with review sites or fiction.  Personally, I like the more writer-ly, journal-like blogs and that’s what I’ll be focusing on, N., too.  Our little project here is all about new blood.  Please always refer to my Dissolutes tab or the list down on my sidebar for my all time favorite reads, which I highly, highly recommend.

So, I’ll pick something and he’ll pick something, share our choices with each other and both write a little blurb about it and then post them on our blogs the first Monday of every month.  I’m typically horrible at following through with this kind of stuff, so he has permission to call me out for my lameness if I ever drop the ball and to post without me.

Having said all that, I’m gonna need serious help from all of you seeing as I’m a big, fat lame-o and I am very happy with my current list of writers; it’s like I never leave the house anymore and there’s this whole, giant, gorgeous world outside my door.  Send me your ideas, even your own writing if you want! either in the comments or email.

So, without further ado, here’s our picks!

Two More Dissolutes

Hy’s pick:

The post The Language of Lust (Real Sex in Amsterdam) over at One Woman, One Hundred Dicks.

Hy’s thoughts

I only just discovered this blog, so I don’t know much about Onewoman, but what drew me to her writing and for making her my first pick was how she threaded reflections on cultural differences, her body image insecurities, and her verve for adventure into a single post.

The post reveals a lot about her even though I doubt that was her aim.  She’s candid and raw, perfunctory, yet funny.

It’s long, but she writes with such inertia I couldn’t stop reading.  It’s not erotica, per se, and it’s got grammatical and spelling errors, too, but it’s still a damn good tale and it makes me want to dig around more.  Which, to me, is the mark of good writing.

I’m definitely late to the party, though, since 6,847 (!) have come before me, if her subscription numbers can be believed.

N. Likes’ thoughts

It is long. I was pained by the length. It’s also a tale of fuckery, which I have a predisposition against. But it’s about Holland. And I really like Holland.

And I agree with Hy – it’s a great story. It’s got twists, and turns, and insults, and…. It butts up against a couple of my personal pet peeves (misspellings/typos/grammatical errors, use of cutesie words – the last sentence features the words “poo” and “wee” – not always the hottest for me). The blog is great, though – it has an organizing conceit that makes the whole blog a story, in addition to just being a collection of stories. And, there’s a video featuring the blogger! How many of us are that bold? (I’m not – a commenter just asked for me to show a picture of a hypothetical tattoo that I don’t even have, and I blanched.)

She hasn’t been posting a lot – her last post was in February, but before that, it was November that she last posted. Here’s hoping we can do more than browse through her back-catalog.

N. Likes’ pick:

The post How to Eat My Pussy by The Literary Wench.

N. Likes’ thoughts

This is the kind of post I might write, or hope to write, if I had a pussy.

To be fair, I’ve written posts that are structurally similar, so it’s a bit narcissistic to say, “Hey! Look at this! It’s great! It’s like my blog!”

But…. Hey! Look at this! It’s great! It’s like my blog!”

As a blog reader, I often find myself dissatisfied with most of the sex blogs out there. Writing about who put what where doesn’t do it for me. What interests me is writing that reveals something intensely personal about someone, about the workings of their desire, brain, body. We all are unique, idiosyncratic – not just sexually, but especially sexually. Every time I get an inkling of how someone else’s desire or body works, I feel richer.

Each of us is a story, a story that fascinates me. I like learning others’ stories – especially, but not at all limited to, their sexual stories.

I fought so hard, so long, to get even the beginnings of insight into my own sexual story, desires, make-up. When I get a glimpse into another’s, I am grateful.

Go read Literary Wench, in general, and this post, in particular.

Hy’s thoughts

N. is sooooo right about how it’s something he’d write!  Same style, same clip, same POV in some way.  I think he’s written a post on how to blow him, if I remember correctly.  I’ve sorta heard about The Literary Wench before, but this is the first time I’ve ever read her and I’m so glad that N. Likes has pointed me in her direction.

I can also say that I agree with her 100%.  Spot on, hot, pulsing writing.  I’m going to enjoy peeking through her archives!