A How To Guide to Fucking Your Neighbor
(This was originally written 5/2012.)
The #2 search result for my blog is “fucking my neighbor, ” and my date last night, Roy, pontificated over $250 worth of sushi with me on the whole neighbor-fucking concept.
He said love happens due to proximity, nothing else. I listened in rapt attention while fish melted in my mouth with a buttery finish. Could he be right? It obviously can’t happen if you don’t meet, and meeting, by definition, is proximity of some sort. Whether it’s physical or electronic feelings develop due to nearness. I can buy that. Maybe his sake-slugging mind was still sharp enough to make a point after all.
Prior to this experience with The Neighbor, I’d fucked two other neighbors. Both younger than me and both were right next door. One was an 8-month-long affair of drama, drugs, and reckless, unprotected sex when I was 22 and the other was a two-night tryst followed by awkward run-ins on our stair when I was 27. All three of these experiences have lent themselves to some major insights into who I am as a person and also to who we are as people in general.
I’m a 36 year old divorced single mother fucking her 27 year old single and childless neighbor. It sounds like a disaster and yet, it’s been amazing. Despite the last few weeks of raging emotions, I’d say we’ve been mostly successful at pulling this whole thing off. Love only entered the equation after five months of no-strings-attached sex and frolic, and I’m the one who reneged on the deal, not him. I wasn’t supposed to let emotion knock on my door. But, like a moth to a neighbor, I couldn’t help myself and let it in and here we are: closer and clearer than we were before. I don’t regret a thing.
I’m obviously not the only one going through this if all the searches for “fucking my neighbor” tell me anything. Many others either want to do it or are doing it and want some insight into the process. So, because I can, I’m going to boil it all down for you.
The pros and cons of fucking your neighbor
Convenience - There’s nothing quite like getting woken up in the middle of the night with a giant cock in your face, sucking it long and hard until his milk fills your mouth, lounging around for a few minutes more to wait for another fuck, finishing that then walking next door to let your puppy out to pee.
Support - The Neighbor takes out my trash several times a week, he moves boxes and furniture for me, and loans me household items and food. I help him decorate his apartment and make us dinner and am always around if he’s lonely. He vacuums for me. I don’t feel comfortable asking anyone to drive across town to help me, but I’m perfectly fine asking my next door neighbor.
Friendship - It’s easy to build a friendship when you constantly run into each other and even easier to maintain it. Being lonely isn’t the only option anymore.
Community - You both deal with the same pitfalls and bonuses of the housing development. You know the same management and maintenance people and even the same other neighbors. It’s a feeling of belonging.
Privacy – There is none. You see everything even when you don’t want to. For example, knowing his daily movements. It’s not something I even set out to notice, but I can’t help it. I know when he’s home, I know when he’s gone. Fuck, I can smell the perfume of his dates and hear her fucking shoes in the hallway. And I hate it.
Boundaries - There are fewer than if you lived across town. How long can I avoid taking a date out my balcony for fear The Neighbor will pop his head out to say hi? How can I tell him to not do that on certain nights, but it’s ok on others? How do I enforce my own space without seeming shady??
Proximity - If — or when — it ends, you have to see your lover’s face. It’s not like a regular break up where you just avoid the old haunts or simply don’t contact them anymore; you live next door. Hell, even if you don’t end it it’s still unavoidable to have run-ins. That late night trash-run can turn into a real heart wrenching scene if you see he’s home and he hasn’t called you all day. Or you might find yourself wearing your sexiest outfits to let your dog out to poop just in case you run into him on the stair (not that I do that, of course).
Taking all that into consideration, there are rules if you want to get involved with someone sharing brick and mortar with you.
Rules to fucking your neighbor
Know expectations. Can he knock on your door at any hour? Can you? What will you do when you have a date with someone else (see Rule #3)? I’d recommend agreeing on a heads up policy. It’s common sense, but it needs to be said. Like, if he doesn’t text you back it’s because he’s busy, not because he’s a dick. If she doesn’t answer the door it’s because she just wants to be alone (or maybe not), but it’s her prerogative.
Do not make this a serious relationship. This is supposed to be fun and convenient. You make it serious and you have basically inadvertently moved in with someone you barely know and that’s a goddamned disaster. If you have it in you whatsoever keep it light. Cancelled plans do not mean the end of your tryst; changed plans do not mean interest is lost. Go with the fucking flow like you would with a friend.
Do not make it a monogamous arrangement. Keep dating other people. Unless you both look at each other one day with love in your eyes you’ll end up painting yourself in a corner and all those fucking cons will come crashing down on you.
Be fucking cool. Like ,so cool you can’t stand yourself. When there are hiccups keep your calm; when feelings start or stop be patient, take a step back; when The Crazy Person fights to rear its ugly head beat it down with a goddamned bat. More is at stake than just a fuck or a broken heart. It’s your home. Don’t make it a battleground. Rise the fuck above it all and remember you did this to yourself. A grownup who knew the pitfalls before entering into this convenient, supportive, friendly little arrangement.
Be open. Maybe old Roy was right and love will happen due to proximity. This arrangement certainly is an excellent breeding ground for all the pros I listed. If it’s right, go with it and revel in the rainbow fucks you get to have with a wonderful person who also happens to live next door. And, if you’re lucky like a friend of mine was, maybe you’ll get to be roommates one day, too.
Expect The Crazy Person - I’ve experienced everything I’ve written about. I’m an expert, certainly, but I’m not perfect at it. Not even close. I struggle with Rule #4, for example, and the cons can really trip me up. I sometimes think I’m the best girlfriend he’s never had, too, and none of this would be the case if we weren’t neighbors. I’m constantly wondering what I got myself into, but then I’m deliriously happy with the entire arrangement. It’s the best and the worst and confusion is the name of the game. Own it.
The main point I wanted to make with this post is that fucking your neighbor is complex. In some ways, more complex than regular dating. Being thoughtful and patient go much farther in this situation, as does being kind. If you’re thinking about doing something like this just be careful. It has equal chances of blowing up in your face as it does sucking you off.
God, I love fucking my neighbor. I hope you’ll love fucking yours, too.
[Update: July of 2011 we broke things off and it was a fucking bitch extricating ourselves. I write this in August of that same year and we still haven't figured it out. I won't say don't fuck your neighbor, because it was a brilliant 9 months or so, but I wasn't fucking kidding when I said a breakup would be messy. It's been goddamned awful.]