So, after the high of this Tuesday I got a whole day of euphoria. Wednesday found me with a shit eating grin from dawn till dusk. Today? Not so much.
The Neighbor hit me up for sex late last night, but I had to get up at 6 am so I declined. Later today I hit him up for darts and Mad Men (he’s DVR’ing it for me).
Me: Do you have plans tonight?
TN: Yup dinner then gym
Me: Ok then
Me: Well, if you wanna play darts and let me watch Mad Men, holla at me
His terse (and completely lame in my opinion) answer to my inquiry of his plans tonight derailed me.
Later, in a fit of hope and bravery, I added: I hope you do.
Once home I took care of the puppy, poured myself a glass of wine and went on the balcony for a smoke. I could hear voices downstairs from my other neighbor, a new female voice. I said hello and chitchatted. Hearing my voice, TN came out on his balcony above and then came over to play with the puppy.
He asked me of my plans for the night, I told him I’d cancelled on Julian, the 25 year old. I was tired, I explained. He said he was going to go work out then to dinner.
“Where?” I wondered, feeling odd about asking.
“A friend’s for a late dinner,” he calmly replied. I think, Ok. Whatever. Then immediately move on.
I told him of my latest fantasy. He would leave his door unlocked not knowing whether or not I’d come over, but one early morning I would. I’d creep into his apartment, search for him in the dark and wake him up with either my mouth or my pussy.
He said he was hard at the thought.
I told him I was the Hard On Police and would need to check. Yep, only a Level 2 hard on down there. Let me rub it to get to the full force.
He said there was only one more level, I said there was definitely two more.
I pulled down his workout shorts and exposed his turgid shaft to my bare hands. “Ok, now we’re at a Level 3.” Its thickness hot and heavy in my hands.
I pressed my breasts against him and he dipped his mouth to suckle me.
“You’re almost to a Level 4,” I say looking into his eyes, “You’re just missing one thing. My mouth.”
He laughs out loud and I continue to tease him. I tell him I know what he’s about to do.
“You’re about to take a step back and walk to the front door then look over your shoulder and say, ‘Later!’”
To his credit he stands around a minute or two more and I almost get his cock in my mouth before he pulls away.
“You love to torture me.”
“Sometimes, yes,” he answers.
After he’s gone I’m pretty ok. I’d cancelled plans with young Julian because I can’t even pretend to flirt with anyone else right now after Tuesday night. I feel like it’s disingenuous to TN (yeah, yeah, yeah – I KNOW). So, I’d committed myself to a quiet night of some artwork and wine, cigarettes and long distance phone calls.
Then, like a goddamned lightening bolt I think: WHO GOES TO A “FRIEND’S” HOUSE AFTER 10 PM FOR “DINNER”?!?!?
I spend the next hour desperately trying to calm myself down. I call my sister, a best friend, I take the puppy outside, I cum. And then — oh God — and then I do one of the stupidest things I’ve done in months. I emailed Troy. It simply said, “Why did you text me?”
My thoughts at the time were: Ok, I’m ripped wide open by TN, the kid has NO clue, I’m being played like an asshole and I now must know why Troy texted me that cock shot in January after months of zero contact.
And now I’ve done fucked up.
No wait, there’s more implosion. I also texted TN this:
Me: I think you’re going to hear Downstairs Neighbor having sex tonight.
Me: Is everyone but me getting laid tonight? I assume that’s what you’re doing at your “late dinner” ;) (please note the winkie face, which magically nullifies my crazy, naturally)
Eventually, I hear his door slam (he’s home from the gym) and then my phone ding.
TN: it’s with a guy
And so now I’ve cleverly detonated two bombs. I’ve contacted Troy, whom I swore I would never speak to again, in a spasm of utter upheaval and retardation (yes, I said retardation) and, I have appeared unsettled to TN. Oh wait, I’ve also shown all of you what a goddamned asshole I am, too. So, that’s three bombs.
I feel like I’ve let you all down. Me, TN, everyone. I try so hard to keep my nose clean and do the right, chill, easy going thing, but now that I’ve fully admitted to my feelings for this young man next door it’s like I’m a live wire near a puddle.
Please. Forgive me.
[Ed Note: I feel like it's pertinent to add here that had he elaborated just a teeny bit in his answers about what he was doing tonight all my fears would have been alleviated. He could have said, "Hitting the gym, then heading to John's for dinner." But, no. He plays coy like his life depends on it and I was weak tonight. Plain and simple. *sigh*]