I started a post Wednesday afternoon and wrote:
I’ve had sex a grand total of 10 times with 8 men in 2017.
I went back to pick up the thread today and realized I need to strike through those numbers. It’s now 12 times with 10 men.
The post was going to be all about how I’ve slowed down, how my insatiable thirst for men and their dicks, licks, and tricks had all but subsided. But then Wednesday and Thursday happened to me.
In the span of 24 hours I had sex with a sexy dad I met at a birthday party for a mutual child-friend a few weeks ago, lived out one of the hottest fantasies of my life with my massage therapist while on his table and clock, and spent an evening filled with laughter and a little lust with a 6’6″ ex-con whose open candor disarmed me completely.
A post about slowing down doesn’t exactly fit.
But I’m not up to my old tricks, either.
Six weeks ago I wrote to The Neighbor, started a(nother) Whole30, and began working out 4-5x a week at Orange Theory. Not drinking freed up a lot of my energy and dedicating myself to my fitness recalibrated my priorities. I also did some heavy lifting with TN.
I wrote another letter, revised it, sent it, and he responded. All while 100% sober and focused on myself, while sticking to my guns (and standards) with the men I’ve been attempting to date. I feel like a completely different person.
One of the most important things I’ve just learned is that when I make choices that ultimately harm me — be they drinking too frequently, not caring for my body, or not facing the demon of a bad breakup — it fucks me up. I suspect it would fuck up any human being.
Confronting bad men and kicking them out of my house when they yell at me, not dating someone whose beliefs are at odds with mine, cutting off contact with someone who assaulted me and telling him why, eating better, exercising. All of these things have helped me to feel like I’m valuable and once I feel I’m valuable it doesn’t matter what other people think of me anymore, does it? And their attention is no longer such a crucial aspect of my life.
Take me or leave me, but I know I’m worth effort, compassion and love no matter what you do to me. And the very newest trick I’ve learned is that you have no place in my life if you don’t fit that criteria.
No more excuses or second-guessing. I don’t care if this is your first ever Tinder date or that you remember things differently from me.
And so I rolled around with Mr. Young while his baby slept in the other bedroom and his kisses made me melt into a shimmering puddle of desire.
And then after 90 minutes of what can only be called a sustained post-coital response to his deep and connective touch I asked if I could touch my massage therapist and he said yes.
And then the felon arrived exactly on time and opened up about his time in prison in a way that touched my heart and I felt nothing but admiration for him, even as we lay wrapped in each other’s arms after he eventually lost his erection in a puff of his frustration, regret and embarrassment.
There’s also The Hippie, a tall, gentle, pot smoker with a daughter on the opposite custody schedule as me. His magically curved cock is a delightful ride; his fuzzy face and deep eyes are safe.
So I’m not slowing down; there is just a new normal. A wonderful new normal.