First, I would like to like to say that this post is dedicated to Ferns in honor of her Day of Birth.  She is my friend, my Fairy Domme-mother, and an inspiration to us all on how to have and hold boundaries, be open and communicative, and be damn funny.

Second, I would like to more formally introduce someone who’s been in my life for nearly a year, but has gotten little to no blog air time, an Irishman I met on a D/s site.  Originally we were going to meet while I was in London in March this year, but I called it off just days before because it didn’t feel right: he’d be on borrowed time so as not to hurt a vanilla woman he was seeing and I didn’t want to be #2.  He understood and our friendship remained and blossomed.

We grew closer as he opened up about his challenges dating in little bitty Ireland as a kinky man.  His real life relationships are all vanilla and traditional and he spends an enormous amount of energy avoiding babies and marriage.  He has no interest in either.

He tenderly focuses on one woman at a time, but is very much an “in the moment” only kind of guy.  I sympathize with his plight and share any warning signs I might see in a new lady of his.  And he counsels me on The Golfer and Peter.

“They’re assholes, Hy, and I don’t know why they’re treating you this way.  I would never treat a woman like that.”

“That’s how American men do ‘casual’.”

“Well that’s bullshit… though I do think The Golfer secretly has feelings for you and he’s just pushing you away because he’s afraid of his own feelings.”  He’s irksomely optimistic about me and my love life.  It’s kinda cute.

He’s also sweetly empathetic when my endeavors with other subs fall through, but one of my all time favorite things that we do – that I do to him – is sharing the contents of my inbox with him.

He roars with laughter and guffaws with appall at what men send in hopes of “catching” a woman and so I thought that maybe I would share some of them with you.  And because Ferns.

What’s important to know about all of these emails is that in my profile I very clearly state to 1) not call me by an honorific, 2) not ask me for anything, and 3) tell me their favorite color.  If all of those things are adhered to and they meet my other specifications such as being local and fit I will reply.  Otherwise, they get zilch.  Clearly, the Irishman was a location exception for me and I have no regrets.

I gave all of these guys a huge benefit of the doubt and assumed that any personal info included was true and accurate, so I’ve edited their notes to obscure any identifying facts.  I’m not sure I needed to do that seeing as some of what they wrote is completely fucking ludicrous, but you know: better safe than sorry.

Without further ado, I give you:

Subs Attempting to Attract a Domme and Failing Miserably and Instead Highlighting Their Ridiculous Sense of Male Entitlement and Privilege and Basically Making a Complete Ass of Themselves:

Mistress i am 24 years old sub. I like feminization and anal play very much. You can keep me in chastity or make me have ruined orgasms. I used wear panties all day for my last mistress. You can do a lot with me, But because of many fakes here i would like to know you a bit more, Have some connection so that both of us are comfortable with each other. If you like we can talk a bit. i have and i am fine with you not opening cam

This guy was from the Middle East, which is definitely local.  Plus, he’s obviously read my profile.  I’m so glad he wrote to me.

Hi Miss.

Hi, Another Dude Who Doesn’t Read.

Goddess
Impressed with you profile, thought to reach out.
I have been a closet sub for long and have recently ventured out to seek a Goddess jus like You who I can worship, serve, adore and devote myself, i have read a lot about serving a true Lady and believe have enough knowledge to be a good sub, am willing to learn what you like, dislike, wishes and serve You accordingly.

I like to be a devoted service sub and will focus on pleasing You by various means like providing relaxing massage when you arrive home, foot worship, foot rubs followed by foot bath n tongue massage, serving as shower boy, etc. I am very humble, obedient and respectful all times, its not about satisfying my needs but its always about focusing on Your pleasure Goddess.

Would you like to chat Goddess?

Not humble.  Not obedient.  Not even remotely appealing.

you have a great build maam.

do you like sounding maam?

It’s like talking to a walrus.

Good evening Goddess

Another walrus.

good afternoon Miss you do smoke cigarettes?

Walruses everywhere!

Hello, Maam.
Would i know Your Goddess Ass more closer? I’m just a slave.
Your David

My “Goddess Ass” will stay right here, thank you.

I am interested in meeting you to see how we like each othe.r I am very healthy man living in your city. I have been single for a while, and I want an ongoing, perhaps permanent, relationship. I am an educated and creative man I work seasonally, and I am off for a while now I am working on developing some websites, and look forward to this new career. Spiritual awakening is at the center of my life. I am mostly in the western esoteric tradition, and I may be studying to become a woo woo practitioner.  I practice yoga and cultivate health and happiness. I have been told I am well hung, and I am sexually potent I am very open minded to new sexual experiences.
Will you meet me?

This lovely form letter was accompanied by a photo of a what could be a serial killer in sandals and bright purple pants.  Send halp.

26, 8 inch.

I kinda appreciate this guy in Germany’s brevity.

Greetings Maam,
You have a nice profile and I wanted to introduce myself to you.
I am a very obedient, mature, educated and financially secure sub I travel a lot and been in the lifestyle for many years.
I live in Denver but distance is not an issue for me I am looking for something real, serious and not looking to waste your time.
I hope that you will find it worth replying back to me.
Have wonderful day.

You. Are. Not. Obedient!

Dear gorgeous Miss Hyacinth,

This subhuman slave applicant is looking for an extremely cruel and sadistic goddess to belong to completely and would like to be allowed no right, no limits or safewords at all. So far it seems to be too extreme for every mistress this creature spoke to

May this subhuman piece of shit ask if you would be open for a very special consensual blackmailing agreement, your Highness, in case you should accept this creature as your property?

This pathetic toilet does have very extreme material that will send it to prison for a long time. It would beg you for the only consent being that you will someday use the material and send this piece of shit to prison, when you are done with it, drained and destroyed it completely and there is nothing useful left for you.

You could even make sure prison would not be an easy way out for this pathetic piece of shit by eg tattooing it with things like shit in here on the upper lip, kick to flush above the cock, cumdisposal on ass or forhead, even torture me all over its body, before using the bm material to send it to prison.

Of course this scum will write all that down and sign it, and record a video stating this as well, to hand over along with the bm material when it arrives, beautiful Miss Hyacinth

This subhuman creature would like to experience hell on earth, a true nightmare with no waking up, a life without any hope or joy, an existence in constant pain, despair, misery, abuse and way more suffering and torture than this pathetic subhuman piece of shit could have ever dreamed of, hoped for or even feared gorgeous Miss Hyacinth.

Yet another brilliant example of entitlement.  I am no where in this laboriously created prose because it’s a form letter.  Pretty sure this dude just replaced whatever other woman’s name was there with “Hyacinth.”  Also, this fella might need a hug.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Miss Hyacinth you are holding great for your age.

Croatian men sure know how to flatter a gal.

[Ed. Note: Are we tired of reading these yet???  I’m not sure I’m ready to quit just yet…]

Hello, how are you doing?

Doms are so funny.

Hello. Sub looking to meet. I would like to write you a quick note to introduce myself, hoping that you might reply back. Well a bit more about myself: Physically I am 6 foot 1, 185 lbs, athletic build, clean cut look, other characteristics are that I am college educated, undergrad in engineering with an MBA from BYU. I am also outgoing like to travel and communicative currently live and work in PNW. I am 45 years old but nobody thinks I look my age. Will answer any questions that you may have of me, Hope to hear back soon, bye for now Bob

Thanks, Bob, for telling me things I could see in your profile next to height, weight, and location.  Also, thank you for telling me a bunch of meaningless bullshit then telling me that if I want to know more I have to do all the legwork.  Sounds great.  Talk to you soon! xx Hy

May I please still ask if you kiik or s k y p e with subs at times in hopes of making your acquaintance and being of use to you as you see fit? I apologize to not be in a position to fully respond to all your questions as I’m driving.

Friends don’t let friends drive and sub.  Also, I didn’t ask him anything, though this is the second time he’s asking me for my KIK and Skype.

[Ed. Note: Apologies in advance, but I’m too worn out from exposing myself to all of this to correct punctuation on the next email.  You’ll still get the gist.]

Good Day to you my Lady,

You will doubtless get scores of messages each week from idiotic jerk off merchants but I am seeking to return to my natural state of being
I saw your profile and read it I believe that I may be of some practical use to you in the near future That will depend upon the establishment of mature and fruitful dialogue and the building of trust between us I will not suit every womans needs but may well suit yours It is nothing strange or weird but it is not conventional either So if you are actually engaged in securing the services of one such as myself to own as legitimate freehold consensual property I may well suit you
Until 8 years ago I was a Bonded Manservant to a Dominant Lady who was a Professional Career Lady in a high profile role She was of Lesbian sexual orientation and had been a clandestine practitioner of the alternative lifestyle
She had a number of women friends who were professional women of all sexual orientations who like here had certain interests outside of their professions that back then would have been catastrophic for their careers
She wanted to acquire a male who would be as legally close to a traditional slave as possible in the modern world so that her manservant did the bulk of the work and she could relax in her home and not bother with the tedious domestic aspects of life She consulted with Attorney friends and it was suggested she adopt a number of voluntary power exchange enactments to achieve her ambition These ranged from Adult Guardianship Order, Adult Adoption Agreement, Durable Power of Attorney, Voluntary Worker Agreements with Employment rights waivers and more besides
When aged 23 she and several of her friends interviewed me after I had answered her Advert in a then contact magazine Several further interviews took place I had to sign a number of documents and also agree on tape and on video to serve her for an indeterminate period of time and to forgo any and all contact with family and friends I had no friends and no close family so that posed no problem for me
Her house was large and had private walled gardens and was in a leafy suburb with few other houses nearby and had plenty of security and the residents paid for a private security company to have two employees patrol the area 24 hours a day
Initially I worked 8 hours each day in the home and attended college to learn culinary skills, and Stewarding skills and took a few do it yourself courses Then I worked variable hours from 12 to 16 daily I had no days off and no vacation leave and this was by agreement I also had to con towards my own board and lodging and utility bill share I was orphaned as a baby and left a legacy in my parents will and a firm of accountants and another firm of lawyers oversee the legacy and I am paid a set sum each month which increases periodically with inflation
My Employer who was in effect my Owner in lifestyle protocols was 70 when she acquired me and the age gap was significant but she had wanted a young, fit and healthy male Bonded Servant, effectively a consensual slave I had for many long years sort to become and remain a real slave and so the opportunity was gred by me when presented to me Yes it was unorthodox but it was sensible and practical and served her needs and my own She also had a female maid companion who oversaw my daily servile labors I was not permitted to speak unless spoken to and had to remain in the background I had to bow my head in respect when a lady friend of hers past by as I engaged in my work and had to kneel down in front of her when summoned to her My accommodation was small and Spartan I was not allowed to use the Telephone, Write letters, use the Computer, Watch Television, listen to the Radio are read any Newspapers I cooked meals, vacuum cleaned the floors, scrubbed and polished kitchen and bathroom, aired and made the beds and changed linen, washed and ironed cloths, worked in the Garden and more besides I was also subject to physical chastisement as and when she are any of her friends required it and that was not in the least pleasant and often painful but tolerable I was also frequently kept in another required state
She died suddenly at her practice 8 years ago after I had been in her service ownership for 12 years and she was 82 at the time I was automatically released as none of her friends either wanted to or were in a position to acquire me
I have now been searching in vain for 8 years to become owned again and am now 43 years of age
I still live in hope of becoming and remaining a Bonded Manservant again My future lady owner can be of any occupation and social class,any race and color, physical disability, sexual orientation, married, single,divorced,with are without children, as the only requirement being that they have a genuine want and need to own a bonded manservant as their voluntary servile property I relocated to serve and be owned by her and can certainly do so again after travelling to a series of face to face meetings at my own expense I no longer have a profile because nowadays if you wish to change a single word and do so the profile either takes months to be reviewed and approved are is not approved at all I am of muscular build, 6 feet 3 inches tall, with a large but flaccid masculine endowment

TL;DR: I’m full of utter shit, read some historical romances and thought I’d emulate a really bad one.

Would you like spanking my pathetic manhood with a wooden ruler, spatula or other item until it cums from the pain?

Not today Mr. Guy From the South.  Maybe tomorrow.  HMU.

Greetings Miss

I’m a submissive male seeking to serve a genuinely dominant lady which is why I messaged you.

I seek to serve you in anyway you choose, without reservations Im humble, obedient, sincere and dedicated. Please consider my request. Waiting humbly for your response.

He’s still waiting, obvs.

[Ed. Note: Ok, I’m tiring…]

hi Miss my name is sam. i am a divorced male, very successful, yet i struggled for much of my life with awkward feelings when around powerful Women. it took alot, but i finally learned my place as a male. i have been reading alot about female domination, and i know it is becoming the norm for todays males, even though many males dont realize it. when i was young i was raised by a very strict mom and she instilled fear and respect for Women in me. She made sure i was always kept in place while at the same time she tended to boost my sister’s ego.  She restricted me but gave her freedoms i never knew i tried rebelling as i grew up, i tried to act like an alpha male around Women, and even into my marriage, but that didnt work out so well for me. i am now divorced because i didnt focus on putting Her needs first but since then i spent time reflecting on what i am, i read, learned, interacted, and i finally fully accept my place as a male, which is rightly at the feet of my Superiors and in servitude

Or… she might have divorced you because you. don’t. listen.

Hello Miss, how are you doing? Please don’t hesitate to humiliate and punish me for my tiny cock

Sure thing, Bossypants.  Please hold.

Hello.  do you accept online pay piggie slaves?

I’m pretty sure I’m leaving money on the table…  Will research later.

Hello Mistress, im a 27 year old virgin slut with an uncut cock. I want to be kept by you and trained to be a good whore, i want more than the anal pleasure i give myself. Keep me Mistress

Is it feasible to achieve virginal slut-hood??

Ok, I’m finally done now.  I’m exhausted.

No wait!  Let me leave you with just one more from Adult Friend Finder:

I want to fall asleep between your pussy walls with my tongue licking up and down both of your warm and wet holes, then while gently sucking on your click (pearl tongue) like a pacifier, go night, night. “Imagine That”

I’d rather not.  Fucking A, man.  Anyone else’s retinas burning??

Ok.  Now I’m done!

Happy birthday, Ferns!!!