I want you to understand me.

When Lina told me she’d been sleeping with Troy behind my back I ran from the room and burst into tears.

She felt awful and ran after me. “I can’t believe this!” I cried. “He promised me he’d never talk to you again! You swore you hated him!”

Her excuse was she didn’t know I’d feel this way and she said immediately that it was over. She texted him and said, “I can’t do this to Hy, anymore. It’s over.” His simple response was, “Ok.”

She sat there with her arms around me stuttering apologies, “I had no idea you felt this way! Oh my God, I’d never have done this if I’d known!” To which I lifted my tear-streaked face to hers, looked her in the eyes and said, “Yes you fucking did. I’ve told you for months to leave him alone, to not fuck him. How much else could I have done to convince you I WAS NOT COOL WITH YOU TWO FUCKING??”

She stammered some more, back-pedaled, “You said you hated him.”

“I do.”

“So, what’s the big deal??”

The big deal was that several weeks earlier Troy and I had met for brunch. It was an hour or so after my divorce became final. He’d insisted on taking me out for a bloody mary. At that point, we had had yet another falling out but we’d tentatively patched things up. He’d been sending me cock pics off and on of men he’d found online. Our “friendship” was brand new all over again. I was nervous about meeting him, but he insisted, sounded warm and caring, and I definitely needed it that morning.

So, we met at one of my favorite brunch spots. He told me he was sorry for everything again and said that he really had cared for me over the past 11 months or so. Tears sprung to my eyes. I’d never felt like he’d cared about me so hearing the words now were sweet. We talked about becoming friends again, but I wanted it on one condition: he couldn’t have any contact with Lina.

He looked surprised since he hadn’t had any with her for weeks as it was. But she’d fucked up a lot in my sex life and if I wanted to move forward with a friendship with him, she couldn’t be involved with him in any way (there was a previous incident wherein I “caught” her arranging a fuck with him, the 3some where I was completely ignored and she let it happen, and various other fuck ups with other lovers and men I’d introduced her to).

He quickly and earnestly agreed “I don’t want her in my life. I want you in my life.”

“Good, because I’m not going to tell her we’re talking again. I can’t. She’ll fuck it up.”

“Ok, sounds good to me.”

“She’s a twat, Troy. Trust me on this. A 24 yo twat with no boundaries. It’ll be better this way.”

He laughed at my choice of words and we chatted the morning away. From then on we texted more. He got me a birthday present. We contemplated a sex club. We had an understanding that he couldn’t fuck me due to his relationship status (he was exclusive with someone), but he could still be sexual with me.

Then, he and his girl broke up. Hours later he told me he missed my blowjobs (I was the only woman ever to get him off every time, and just about the only one who could ever get him off period) and would I give him one? Then, he told me he’d lucked out with an old friend/lover and they had a Monday night thing going. He was excited because it helped him forget his ex-girlfriend. I wondered who it could be since I was his only ex that talked to him (everyone else never wanted to talk to him again). He told me he couldn’t tell me because she had a boyfriend and he wanted to respect her privacy. I told him that was stupid, but, whatever. He could keep his secrets.

I mentioned it to Lina. She laughed and thought it was weird, too.

Then, one day, the texts stopped. For about two weeks. I was at once relieved to not hear anymore sordid details about how great the sex was with his ex and also about his hunt for new pussy.

I mentioned it to Lina. She laughed and called him some filthy name.

Turns out, Lina was his regular Monday night hook up; the “ex-lover/friend”. I’d told her about herself. And he’d stopped texting me the night they hooked up for the first time.

When I found out she’d fucked him, the first thing I asked was, “Did you tell him you have herpes??”

“Yeah,” she responded, “I guess he didn’t care.”

I was shocked, floored, really. That guy was a fucking hypochondriac. A couple of days later she admitted that that was a lie. She’d never told him. She hated him so much, she claimed, she’d kinda hoped he’d get it. He was just a great lay and had a big dick and she didn’t care. I immediately told her she had to tell him. He’s promiscuous! He has a right to know and to protect his other partners!

She refused for days and days.

At this point, Troy thinks I’ve put an embargo on his and Lina’s trysts when really it was her idea all along. When she finally told him she had herpes she told him as if she’d JUST found out that day. He later accused me of putting her up to making it up just to fuck with him. I told him to fuck off.

She also refused to tell him to never contact her again or to delete him out of her phone. It was my belief that part of why she didn’t want him to know she’d deliberately lied to him was because she liked coming out of this thing smelling like roses. As far as Troy was concerned, I was the crazy one, and Lina had done nothing wrong to him except try to be a good friend to me.

The thing is, she never intended to listen to me when it came to him. She was a “slore” (her word, not mine). Sex with him was intense and life-changing for me. It was a lot like my first time in so many ways. We did threesomes and group sex together, we used toys, and he made me cum and squirt like it was my job. Sure, I didn’t like the guy, but we had a bond. I had a bond. I was bonded to him.

I trusted him with my entire body and being; it was his voice or his eyes that I’d focus on while another man used my body; his touch that would make me feel safe and looked after. This wasn’t just some dude to me. He was my sexual companion and fellow explorer and when I said, “Hands off!” I meant HANDS FUCKING OFF. And she shit on it. And he shit on it. They had a shitfest on it.

In that same text conversation where he accused me of making up the herpes, he also told me he did this to deliberately hurt me because one time, way back in February or March, I had had a threesome without him and he’d never forgiven me for it. He wanted me to feel left out, just like he had. (I told you this guy was venom on legs.)

I tried to forgive Lina for all of this, but eventually I discovered she’d also lied to two other men I know and care about about her herpes and to me by telling me she’d told them. She said hateful, shitty things to me about “not being second best anymore” now that she wasn’t fucking Troy anymore and I realized I was finally done with her. I haven’t spoken to either her, or Troy, since the end of November. I don’t miss either of them and my life has improved dramatically.

I believe everything happens for a reason, but I also believe I don’t have to know the reasons when they’re happening. I’m willing to wait it out and see what happens. My year or so of sex with Troy and chaos with Lina have taught me many things about myself and other people and I feel loaded with new positive material to pass on to others.

And this is why I say, “I want you to understand me.” Because I do. I really, really do. I want you to know that though I’m promiscuous and sexually adventurous I’m also sweet, loving and trusting. I also want you to understand the reasons I’m hung up on the sex with one man who jerked me around and treated me badly. It’s not because I’m an idiot, it’s because I put faith in someone who outside of the bed never proved himself. Please, don’t think less of me. I already do. Thank god time heals.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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9 thoughts on “I want you to understand me.
  1. Why think less of yourself? Whatever you’re choosing to do about your sex life is up to you. It sounds like you established boundaries and were honest about them. The other two are the ones who acted dishonorably. If you think less of yourself for being trusting, they win. You simply need to reserve your trust a bit longer to ensure that those you bestow it upon are worth it.

  2. The nice people are always hardest hit by the bad behaviour of those they trust. We all feel bad when our trust is abused. Don’t let that stop you being a nice person or one that can trust. Simply let it inform you on how to avoid some of the problems. Your friends will never think less of you for this, only of those that abuse your trust.

      1. Sweet of you to say. As you have some of my emails, I’m impressed that you still think I make sense;-) I usually just jibber. Nick

  3. Firstly this Lina person sounds horrid. Sometimes bridges should be burnt. To the ground. and hopefully that person is standing underneath it.

    We have to put faith in people or else we’ll be closed off all the time. The best you can hope for is that those you put faith in live up to your expectations. Most will at least try, and some will exceed. Then you have those who will try to suck you dry. It happens, but at least you have the clarity to know when to move on.

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