In a way, I’ve struck out twice.
When I was with Jason last Saturday I told him how one of my fantasies was to spend an entire day with a lover, with him, wherein we would fuck and play all day long. He looked at me as he buckled his pants and said, “I don’t know what you think I can do, but I’m only human.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I think I may have stammered, but I bet it came out much more smoothly than that. “Well, I just mean we fuck, rest, play, cuddle, eat, take lots of breaks, but the point of the whole day is to be naked and hedonistic.”
I couldn’t believe I was quantifying it. He sort of shrugged.
Then, I said the same exact thing to The Neighbor and his reaction was similar.
WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE.
Two young men with strong, healthy bodies and appetites telling me that they couldn’t hang because (and here’s where I’ll fill in the blank for you) I’m insatiable and have unrealistic expectations of them. It’s like I’m married all over again, because, yeah, I’ve never had a day where the bed was the central focus and breaks were for rest, refueling, and revelry.
I’ve been told by some that I am an athletic lover and that they can’t keep up with me. I don’t know if that’s a compliment or a lamentation. My body is far from athletic appearing, let me assure you (size 12 does that to ya), but I admit to pushing myself to my utter limits physically when it comes to fucking. I relish every second. Especially with these younger men; I refuse to be the “old lady” in the bed who needs a rest first. And, to date, I’ve kept my word to myself.
So, what is it that’s so off-putting about my fantasy? I thought all men, young and old, dreamed of a woman who wanted just that. It’s not like I don’t give exactly as much as I get; they wouldn’t be the ones just pumping away like a prize stallion with a line of mares.
It hurt to see their reactions. I’ve tried to rationalize it as maybe it’s something they reserve for a girlfriend or someone they feel strongly about and therefore doing that with me seems somehow distasteful; or maybe they think it’d feel like a job to them, that I wouldn’t treat them like a human being with needs. I just don’t know. But the resistance feels so much like my sex life with my ex-husband. A wonderful, loving, handsome man who was outstripped by my desires and drive within 6 months of dating and certainly beaten down by the end of 7 years.
The theme of my marriage — in so many ways — was I was too much for him. And the extremely lukewarm reception to my fantasy suggestion seems to back it up.
It just makes me sad.