When a friend checked in on me tonight this was my response:
I’m doing ok. I read Gillian’s post today about vulnerability and it really touched me. TN and I missed each other before I went out for a drink tonight (he knocked, but I was napping) so I left the note I’d written the night before on his door.
He tried to see me all night after that not realizing I was gone; texted me about where I was. The second I got home he came over, thanked me for the note. Said it meant a lot to him. We ended up cuddling in my bed.
He wanted to know about my day, the details, all of them. It was hard, more vulnerability.
I finally asked him why he’d decided to stop using condoms. He said it was because he’d noticed I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, but when we do again we’ll use condoms again. Not sure I like where that’s headed… But I’ll deal with that when it happens.
I told him I had a date with Kevin tonight. It was weird. He still has his date with Vanilla Ice. Then we fucked when we’d both said we didn’t want to. He came faster than ever before and then made me cum. It was a different kind of sex from him… I’m still processing. He had less control and it was tender.
I’m so sorry to go on and on. You only asked how I was doing! I’m deliriously tired. xx
I can also add that he said more wonderful things to me about me and my note, that I have a command of my words and he was envious. He said I have so much wisdom and life experience, he feels his lack of it when I open up. I think he feels my scope.
He said he wanted to stay with me and could he come over to fuck me after his date tonight. That’s when I told him I might see Kevin. There was a slight pause in his, “Oh, cool.” The truth is, I don’t want to be home alone knowing he’s next door with Vanilla Ice, so I’m trying to stay busy. I wish that’s what I’d told him.
The puppy woke me up at 4:30 am to go out and again at 5:30, though I stayed in bed that time. And now I’m up and ruminating. Goddamn, I’m fucking exhausted. And confused. So, so, so confused.
One thing is for certain: I promise myself to keep being vulnerable and to end this when it hurts too much and I begin to feel crazy. I promise.
Ugh. So. Fucking. Tired.