I get hurt by one I never thought would.

Last night The Neighbor bore away the rubble that had become me.  Tonight he has crushed me.

Dramatic, maybe, but I am beyond caring what I sound like.

He told me he was busy tonight and Friday, but he was free Thursday.  I asked him what he was doing tonight and he said “working late.”  We talked about Thursday, but I have plans with friends.

After I broke down last night I shared with him that I turned down a proposition from Kevin because I was focusing on him instead.  I didn’t want to put him at risk of anything and why should I settle for mediocre sex when I could have amazing sex?  He was humbled, honored, flattered, he said.  I topped his list as best ever, too, he said.

Tonight I put on my bikini and robe, grabbed my spa keys and headed downstairs.  I forgot my car keys to grab my smokes, so headed back up.  Back down I went and while at my car below I heard, “clip, clop, clip, clop” from the third floor corridor.  I looked up and saw two dark heads enter The Neighbor’s apartment from the back way.

My plans to sit in the tub dashed, I climbed the stairs with a thudding heart.  The hallway was filled with the scent of musky vanilla.  A scent I’ve remarked in The Neighbor’s hair at least twice before.

My heart stopped.

It fucking stopped.

It seemed to me I’ve smelled that perfume.  In my lover’s hair. 

When I’d teased him about it he’d said it was Herbal Essences.

I went out to my balcony for a smoke and immediately heard TN close his sliding glass door.  I went back inside, and like a foolish little asshole put my ear to the wall.  And then I heard her laugh.  Vanilla Ice.

I texted him this:

I am crushed.

I don’t know what to fucking do.  He lied to me.  I told him not to and he’s done it anyway and unless it’s an enormous coincidence that she douses herself in vanilla, he’s been seeing her for a while, then coming to my bed.

This wasn’t supposed to fucking happen.

I feel alone, awful, ripped apart.  I had just last fucking night opened up to him, bared myself.  LAST FUCKING NIGHT, PEOPLE!!  LAST NIGHT!!!  And now this.

I am the biggest fucking idiot known to man… I was better off a bitter, lonely libertine.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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49 thoughts on “I get hurt by one I never thought would.
    1. Thanks, Noodle. I’ve just spent the last hour and a half outside with the puppy trying to get my wits about me. I half wanted to get out of the apartment and I half wanted to see her leave.

  1. Hy, love. U r not an idiot. You r a women with feelings. A heart. And u opened up… it fucking sucks. It really does. And, babe, if I could be there, id go kick hiim in the balls for making u feel this way. *giant hugs*

      1. Baby… that’s okay. Sometimes we don’t know how to react. Sometime we just are. I know that doesn’t really help. I’m sure it hurts (I would be hurting if I were in your shoes… fuck. I’m hurting for you now). I wish I could be there with you, if only to distract you with wine and cigarettes!! again **hugs**

        1. That would be wonderful. I have some dub-step on and a pack of smokes waiting for me outside. It’s sheer luck that I have no alcohol in the house. I can better control myself tonight while I digest…

  2. A couple of things. You’re not an idiot for trusting and taking a chance. You can’t win of you don’t play.

    Second, he’s just being who he is. You may have been seeing what you wanted in him, rather than what’s actually there. I’m not defending him, just giving you something to think about.

    I’m so sorry for what’s happened.


    1. We had an agreement not to lie. He’d “fibbed” to me before about his ex coming over and he apologized and we agreed that he was to tell me, not lie. So, he really isn’t what I thought.

      1. I’m so upset that my stomach is nauseous and I can’t sleep. I’ve been mentally flipping through revenge fantasies, which doesn’t help anyone. So instead, I volunteer to make breakfast for everyone that cuddled with you tonight. Taking orders….

        1. Dawn, thank you so much. That is so utterly sweet. He just left my apartment. It’s 3 am just about. No one will believe what happened next. Stranger than fiction.

          I’ll take migas, please, and black coffee. :)

  3. Hy my heart breaks for you. It’s so hard if your feelings aren’t the same as the person that you have them for. DON’T TEXT HIM!! If he wants to talk to you about it, be honest. Lay your feelings on the line cause holding them in will make you miserable. But you have to be willing to accept the answer. And that answer might be the end of your relationship. Deep breaths and good luck.

    1. I won’t text him again. I feel like my texts thus far were ok. The fact he hasn’t responded is pretty much my answer. If he really were next door alone working he would have assuaged my fears. I know this could be the end. I have to decide how to play this.

  4. You give him the greatest sex ever whenever he wants it. Of course he lied to you about the girl – he’ll do or say whatever it takes to keep you available. No excuse for him whatsoever, but it’s not that hard to do. What’s not clear is if he said that he was focusing on you as you said to him. All you mention is that he was flattered and thought the sex was good. Not seeing anything there to indicate he’s worth the pain or putting your life on hold.

    So sorry you’re going through this.

    1. Thank you. I just didn’t expect this. I never said I wasn’t fucking anyone else. I only said I’d turned down Kevin in favor of him. He said he wanted me to go on dates and then come home and fuck him because I found the other men lacking. I told him I’ve already done that. Things changed for me when we stopped using protection. I wanted to protect him and not put him at risk due to my promiscuity. He tells me everything – or so I thought – I thought I’d laid the groundwork that he could trust me to handle the truth. And the truth I CAN handle. Lying, I’m not doing so well with…

  5. Stop right there, Hyacinth! This is not on you .. AT ALL. His lies, his actions all belong to him! Period. I’m just parroting what’s been said already, but dammit there’s nothing I hate more than someone taking on a burden that isn’t theirs.

    You were strong and a fucking WOMAN by being true to yourself. That it went this way is NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT!

    Don’t make me come find you … though I am here for a shoulder to cry on until you can breathe again … small and short though I may be, I’ve got a big hug.

    Love you darling … my heart is breaking along with yours.


    1. You are right. Absolutely right. Thank you. I was hoping beyond hope that all of you would check your WP accounts tonight. I need you all. so badly…

  6. Let me reiterate what I just said to Gillian. You all are the only people who know the truth of my feelings for this man, the history between us. That I can share this with you means so much to me. I may feel like it’s better to be alone, but really it’s not. I want to need people and you all are proving to me that it’s worth it. So worth it… oh my god, my heart is breaking…

  7. Listen you wonderfully delicious woman. He is a VERY young man. Most young men are led by the ease of pleasure. We women read all kinds of shit into things they could NEVER agree to, or recognize.. That said – wonderful places ( like yours ) are not easily found. You are not common Lady – you are specialized. He’s too young and inexperienced to realize what he’s screwing up. So, keep some distance. Sad thing is, he probably still won’t get it. You did start out telling him you had no feelings… Ego says to lay low because whoever this vanilla cone was heading to Neighbor’s door, was a female who MIGHT offer the kaleidoscope of indulgence you offer but most likely – NOT! The rarity of your own self determines the narrow band of selectiveness necessary for your satisfaction. ( I apologize – I read this after having wine so please forgive my roughness. Bottom line is that he is a young dumbfuck and that has nothing to do with you. I’m signing off – I apologize for my gruffness. I realize you don’t have any reason to hear my words but I hope you are feeling better.

  8. Hy,

    Everyone else has already said it, but your post broke my fucking heart, because girl, I’ve been there. Listen… I get it. The lies are what hurt. What hurts is that you bared your soul to him last night. What hurts is that he was “honored” despite knowing what he was going to do tonight. Liars fucking suck, but none of this falls to you. TN is a piece of shit and completely fucking blind if he doesn’t see what he’s got going on here.

    You’re not better off as “bitter” and “lonely”. You’re better off exploring this with someone who won’t break the bonds of trust that this kind of relationship begs. He needs to grow a pair. Grrrr. I’m so fucking mad for you right now. I want to punch right in the fucking teeth.

    I hope you’re getting some sleep right now and not worrying about TN being a bitch. -.-

    Love and kisses.

  9. Hy, babe I’ve said this before. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow never comes. You can’t change your yesterdays the good or the bad. Don’t plan for tomorrow.
    Be honest without spite, say your mind without anger and accept his reply without remorse and most mportant of all be kind you yourself

    Limitless love and compassion babe right at you


  10. I am sorry this has happened to you. I always had this feeling that maybe he is taking advantage of your feelings and commitment, without really giving you the love you are offering him. I know how much it hurts, and how difficult it is to really let this go, been in your situation more than once.

    I just wish you will finally meet the man you deserve, and that you won’t offer your body and soul anymore to someone who shows so little appreciation (aka jerk).

    Maybe it might be good to take a little time off for mourning the dream you’ve lost.

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