I may give mixed signals, but No still means No.

I’m hard pressed to call it “sexual assault” because if I were him I’d likely have tried the same things with me, but I can’t not call it sexual assault, either, because I said, “Absolutely not,” and he did it anyway.

I arrived at his apartment a little after 7:30 to catch a cab to the bar, but we decided to hang out for a glass of wine first.  He smelled fruity in a weird, masculine way; his apartment was tidy and inhabited by a giant 8-month old puppy named Blast who liked my crotch immensely.

We sat on his back porch and sipped our wine.  He’s from the same state I am and we talked about the strange new world we now find ourselves with gigantic bugs who seem to think they own the place, much like their two-legged counterparts.

We called the cab and began the walk out to the busy street to meet it.  The dusk sky was brilliantly smeared with pinked and blue clouds and the breeze was cool on my bare shoulders.  “You look really beautiful tonight, Hy,” he said.

“Well, thank you,” I replied.  He took my hand to help me down a slope and into the cab.

The bar was littered with hipsters and Johnny Cash memorabilia.  Gladys Night and the Pips were playing when we walked in and ordered a shot and beer back — Jameson and a tallboy Lone Star for me, a Stella for him — and Lionel Ritchie saw us out.

Conversation and laughter flowed; I effortlessly led the conversation to sex as I’m wont to do.  I need to make it clear to every man I date where I stand: I currently sleep with other men, I am slightly kinky, I experiment, I ‘m not looking for a relationship, but am open to it, blah blah blah.

His eyes lit up at my tales and I was overcome with bashfulness time and time again, but I worked through it.  I have to get this stuff out there.  I feel compelled to make sure everyone knows where I stand.  My own talk was titillating, I felt warm and smooth and he is a handsome man, so when I had the opportunity I grabbed his shirt from where he stood above me and pulled him down for a kiss.  It was perfect.

He growled into my mouth how much he thought so, too.

The sexual compatibility seemed to be there, on paper, anyway.  That’s the first hurdle a lover of mine must pass.  And the chemistry was decent.

Too soon for my taste he suggested we go back to his place for more wine.  I said OK, bid a silent farewell to the tattoos, piercings and skinny jeans scattered about me and hopped back into the cab.  His hand slid up on my thigh and I let it stay.  It was nice enough.

Back at his place we went to the porch.  Lightening bugs popped in and out of view like fading lights.  He moved his chair closer then stood up altogether and loomed over me.  I looked up at him knowing that he was done talking.  He bent down to kiss me and grabbed me hard by the arms.  I liked it.

“Let’s go in my room.”

And this is where I should have done something different.  This is where I knew things would go wrong, but I couldn’t find the words to set it right.  He took me by the hand and shut and locked the door behind him lest his dog barge in on us.  His bed was low and covered in white down.  He lit a paper lamp on the floor in the corner and sat down and fell on top of me.  We kissed passionately, his whiskers raked over my face.

He grabbed the top of my dress and let a breast fall out.  His mouth clamped down hard and I winced and cried out.  My nails dug into his neck and I pulled him closer to me.  It felt good, but I knew where this was going and I didn’t want to go there.

My other breast fell out and now he pinched the nipple.  I was impressed at his passion and his inclination – clearly he likes it rough like I do – but I couldn’t shake the overriding feeling of I don’t want to do this.  His hand ran up my thigh and hit me me on my flank.  Hard.  I writhed a little and moaned.  Fuck.  I’m doing this all wrong.

When his hand began to fumble at my boyshorts I pulled him up.  “No.  I’m not going to fuck you tonight.  I’m on my period.”

“There are lots of other things we can do, you know.”

“I know, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want our first time to hook up to involve blood.  I just don’t.”

“But your clit isn’t anywhere near the blood.”

“I know that, too, but I don’t care.  I don’t want to.”

And then he slid my panties to the side and lay his mouth on me.

I was shocked.  Horrified, really.  He began to suck and I yelled at him to stop, that if he kept sucking he would fucking die.  He switched to lapping, which was nice, but none of this was supposed to be happening.  I’d just told him No.  I tried to enjoy it, but it was impossible.  I was pissed and a little scared.  What if I made him stop with a tantrum??  Threw him off and screamed at him?  Would he try to hurt me??  He seemed like such a decent guy, clearly I confused him and I should try to exit this situation as smoothly as possible.

I pulled him up off of me and let him kiss me again and ran my hand down to his erection.  Maybe if I could get excited about that then none of this would have happened.  Hot and smooth in my hand — slim — it only served to remind me of The Neighbor instead.   I said I had to pee.

In the bathroom on the toilet, staring at the polka-dots on his shower curtain and trying to keep the dog’s snout out of my pussy, I took my time to think.

This date was fucking over.

I went back into his room and said, “Look, I’m really sorry, but I’m feeling fickle tonight.  I need to go home.  This isn’t going to happen.  I swear it’s not you, it’s me.  I just need to go.”

He looked crestfallen, his bare chest dark and broad beneath me.  He said, “No,” and pulled me down for another kiss, made me straddle his exposed cock, a long, lean piece of meat.  “You swear you’ll see me again??”

“Yes,” I lied.

“Ok, then.  I understand.”

He got dressed and walked me to my car.  Home, I wanted nothing more than to fall into TN’s arms, but he wasn’t there and had only texted me to accept a dinner invitation for tonight.  He was likely with another woman.  So, I fell into my purple sheets in only my panties, tangled my limbs in my comforter and closed my eyes.

No means no, no matter what, but I don’t blame Mitchell.  I blame myself.  I’m not fit to do this right now.  I love The Neighbor — there, I said it.  This admission will likely bring hellfire and bullshit alike down upon my ears, but so be it.  I’m like a zombie out there.  I reel them in, but can no longer seal the deal.  I’m only half alive.  I don’t have it in me anymore to eat all men for breakfast lunch and dinner (just a couple here and there, apparently) and I got myself into a bad situation because of it.

I’ll likely not see Mitchell again not because I’m not curious about fucking him or even excited to do so — because strangely enough, I am — but because he made me say No so many times.  He should have rolled off of me the second I said so and certainly not ignored me.  It’s a shame, really.  I thought he was nice.  But then again, I guess he wasn’t at all if he didn’t listen to my No.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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26 thoughts on “I may give mixed signals, but No still means No.
  1. A line I’ve used in the past is, “You get that (motioning toward his zipper) anywhere near this (pointing to my crotch) and you won’t have a THAT anymore.” But a simple no should do. No matter what the action.

  2. Ergh. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Some people are tools and seem to think because one is “kinky” or likes it rough then no doesn’t mean no. But no will always mean no. As far as loving TN, I think it was pretty obvious, babe. But that’s all got to do with you and your feelings, and no one has a right to rain shit down upon you for it. What I’m really trying to say is, fuck the haters and you are beautiful.

    1. Ah, Fatal, thank you for your kind words. I feel responsible because I was very sexual and obviously he took that as an automatic greenlight. I wish I’d read him better.

      1. Babe, I’m just sad that you allowed yourself to be in that situation. I’ve been in your shoes, unable to find the words and going along with the situation until it got beyond me. You are not responsible for his actions and he ignored you. The moment he went down on you when you made it clear you didn’t want that (and there was nothing mixed about that), you should have left. He proved he had no respect for your wishes right in that moment.

        I’m furious that it happened, not at you.

        I love you, my dear.

        1. Me, too. I’m still doing better than I would have 10 years ago. And you’re right, I’m not responsible.

          Thanks for your love, honey. xx

  3. The first no means no. The second no means fuck no! The third no means get the fuck away from me before I call someone who will explain the word no to you in a physical way.

  4. I’m so sorry you had to experience such a dick. A cunt reially. What happened was sexual assualt. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. If you say no – even if he’s about to cum, everything is over. It’s not a debate, not something to push, not up to him to decide otherwise. I think you’ve made a wise decision to never see him again. What an asshole. Please try not to take responsibility for his stupid actions – you did nothing wrong and it was his ignorance that he kept continuing.

  5. Can we possibly wrap you in some lovely, stylish cotton wool, with a chain mail lingerie set and a gps tag? Oh, and kindly provide the SS # of the next guy that asks you out. Dates can be flexible, just stay in the field of view of a handy webcam. Ok? Good.

    I can’t believe that this happened. This is awful. Your wound was like being cut with flying glass, that it happened so unexpectedly that it took a while for your brain to understand that it was hurt.

    I needed a bit of time to be verbal about this, I am amazed that you have been able to get enough words together through your developing shock.

    You did nothing wrong. You did not give mixed signals. Did you say, “I love it when a man rapes me on the second date?” Saying you like sex a bit rougher, is speaking to the style of sex, not consent. This is all on him. What you said and did to get away quietly, is what you are supposed to do. Get away safe, is the point. Not get away safe while on a standing on a soapbox giving a lecture. You don’t owe him anything.

    You kept your head. You got out smart. You got out before it escalated. Yay you! I am proud of you and I am glad for you. (I’m still in shock though.)

    1. Thanks, Dawn. I told The Neighbor about it tonight and he was righteous, wanted to hurt the guy. It helps me develop my own anger to see another’s. Mitchell hasn’t texted me today. I think he knows. And thank you for your kind words and support.

  6. HY, Sometimes we all know the truth. We can feel its presence skirting around the edges of our mind. We just don’t like it because it challenges our idea of the way things should be. Then something makes us look at that truth a little harder. While I too am concerned that you were subjected to Mitchells rough handling its what you intend to do about the truth that interests me

    Hugs & XXX’s


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