I try to stay cool.

Yesterday marked an important day in my relationship with The Neighbor.  On our balconies at lunch, with bathing beauties below, we talked over our railings.

“It turns out I can’t  hang out tomorrow night,” he said as he pressed his lower half through the bars, his sleeping bulge noticeable to my watchful eye.  “I have a date.”

My heart skipped.  “Oh, wow.  Good for you.  Is it with Vanilla Ice?”

“No.  It’s a new girl.”

“Cool.  Where’d you meet her?” I was afraid I’d overstepped my bounds, but my natural curiosity won out.  I shouldn’t have worried.


“Well, if you get done with your date early, stop on by after.”  He snorted at the idea and smiled uncomfortably. “What??” I asked innocently, beaming my brightest smile at him while I leaned over the bars to fully expose my cleavage. “My dates end early.  What time was I home last night?”

“True. Ok, I’ll do that.”

I tried to be as cool as humanly possible — I knew this admission had been hard for him and I was proud of him for stepping up and letting me know — but the vice-like feel on my heart reminded me that this hurt.  Can I really handle this?

Of course, I have zero hope whatsoever that I’ll get a knock on my door tonight and I have to bend the universe of my heart to accept the reality.  I won’t lie — I can barely swallow.  The idea of loving someone with whom you have no future and watching them look for a future with someone else is a new kind of torment, but I’ve made my decision and I’m sticking with it until I feel certain it’s time to walk away.  And today is still not that day.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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49 thoughts on “I try to stay cool.
  1. aw – unrequited or hopeless love can hurt so much, eh. there is a real beauty to it tho, it shows what heart you have

    1. Thanks, Gillian. It feels mostly good, but sometimes I wonder what the hell it is I’m doing. But, love is love. I can’t choose this shit, just gotta go with it.

      1. This is true, just remember it doesn’t have to rule you. Love is an emotion not a compulsion. The salt and pepper in a meal, not the foundation. So, even though you love him, it’s just an emotion. And now I sound lecturing so I’ll stop.

        Hugs … GC

        1. God. Who knew my stupid sex blog would turn into a soul-searching expedition? You’re completely right, of course, but it’s such a powerful spice… xx

  2. Where was I for Vanilla Ice? All of this sound so hard Hy. If you do not feel finished with it, go with your instincts I guess. That’s what I do…not that I am very successful in this stuff. I just wanted to tell you I’m thinking of you.


    1. Aw, thanks, Dawn. It’s all good. Vanilla Ice was just the chick that started this whole thing to unravel. He’s never mentioned her again. She may actually be out of the picture altogether. I don’t know. xx Hy

  3. I wouldn’t put myself in your situation. I just wouldn’t put up with that shit and you shouldn’t either. TN gets his cake and eats it, too. He has made his choice clear that you aren’t for keeps, so this is a losing proposition to keep up with him until he kicks you to the curb when he starts seriously dating someone. How is that going to feel? You deserve the whole enchilada but you aren’t going to find it while you are using TN as a crutch.

    1. I also want to add fact you’re fierce :). I know it seems black and white from your side, but despite the strife, TN is real sunshine in an otherwise grey world of mine.

      As always, I appreciate your words, Petunia.

      1. TN has given you an idea of what it can be like when you connect with someone but it still is only an approximation. I don’t want you to sell yourself short or to settle, Hy. It is worth it when you find your partner. My husband confided that he worries sometimes that one of us will get sick and our time together will be cut short. That is what I am fucking talking about. Someone who loves all facets of you so if you cry in bed, he wouldn’t be freaked out, he’d probably just want to cuddle you. You are sending an unintentional message that you aren’t worthy when you let a man treat you as an afterthought. Listen to your body, if your heart feels like it has a vice grip on it, you need to make a change.

        1. This is where I disagree with you. I look at this very differently. What I have with TN is perfect for right now. I can’t give more than I am currently, and I’m fairly convinced he feels the same about me as I do him. We’ve repaired the hurts I’ve suffered and I’m very confident that if all I wanted to do was cry in bed he would happily hold me. Albeit, he’d leave at some point to go home, but, that’s what we have going. I am absolutely not an afterthought of his. He’s trying to set boundaries that allow him to spend time with me (which he loves doing) and still search for that other woman. I think it’s fruitless, of course, but he doesn’t, so he’s entitled to try. And trust me, the second I meet someone I really like, I’ll swing over and let go of the TN monkey bar. It’s just how I want to do this right now. I have enough sadness and loneliness in my life; I’m trying to minimize it. Maybe it’s a mistake, I dunno, but for right now, this feels right.

  4. Hy … good for you la Brava. It’s a stage to face and you’re doing it well. And BTW, I’m knocked out by the knockers and knackered by the nips … luv every pixel!


  5. I’ve found that sometimes you navigate the waters of the heart and sometimes the water navigates you. No matter what – it’s a ride I would never give up.

    Hey Hy, I have the pleasure of reading your writing and I can’t help but honestly start to care for your own well being in the process. No response is necessary AT ALL to this but I hope you know by fucken doctor written prescriptions whatever he has going on. It’s a bit ominous and I will assume it’s a matter you keep private because it is his business. I don’t want to see a post ” Went out on three dates while my vagina became Chernobyl” : )

  6. Perhaps we all try to find closure, or perhaps we think we have more control over things that we don’t.

    I’m not sure if sticking it out with TN is something I’d do myself, because I employ lots of defense mechanisms, but I hope whatever you choose with your relationship with him, that it pans out to be more happy than not.

    All the best wishes for you <3

    1. Thanks, Thu. It’s really not all that bad. I had no idea everyone would be so sad for me about my post. Y’all are very sweet. xx Hy

  7. I’m not sad for you. I totally get it what you’re doing with TN. I couldn’t explain it to anyone, but I get it. I think its all part of feeling… something. Feeling alive. Feeling pain. Feeling hope. And the sex seems good. Thanks for giving us a peek.

  8. I agree one hundred percent with Gillian….including the nicer side: nice nips. TN is silly to play with you like this, even if it is a monster of your own creation. I say it’s HY time to put an end to these shenanigans!

    1. Ha! I’m telling you people, I think this is going swimmingly! I’ll leave, I promise, but not yet. I have more I want to do to him. He’s the best sexual partner I’ve ever had. That’s hard to give up.

      1. if THAT (the best sexual partner) is why you’re hanging on … ok … but that’s not the whole truth, is it?


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