Maybe I’m crazy, maybe he’s an asshole.

Last night around 6 I heard a knock. It was The Neighbor.

He was wearing his new clothes and looking dashing. I said as much and asked him what the occasion was. “No reason. I just wanted to show you.

“So, Saturday,” he paused for emphasis. “What do you want to do?”

I sat back down on my couch, a foot tucked under me. I had asked him if he’d like to spend Saturday night with me Wednesday afternoon. I’d had to prompt him a day later for a response, but it had been in the affirmative.

“I have no idea,” was my answer.

“We’re gonna do three things. One,” he held a finger up, “catch; two, a movie; and three, fuck.”

I threw him an enormous grin and bounced a little on the couch. I’ve been dying to play catch with someone for weeks! And, well, the other stuff is obvious.

I asked him how his week had been. “Long,” he said.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Softball, then I have to make vodka gummy bears, cake balls, and an apple pie.”

“Holy shit! Well, if you want some company while you bake, lemme know. I’m happy to watch you and just hang out.”

“Ok, I might take you up on that.”

I got up to walk him out and found myself against the door jamb of my entryway eye-level with a few days of growth on his white skin. I could feel his heat.

“You’re right, it is sort of reddish,” I observed.

“You sure this looks ok?”” he asked indicating his upper lip. He’s self conscious for some reason, but has been growing it out more frequently because I enjoy its feel so much.

“Yes,” I assured him. “You don’t look like a Colombian drug lord. It’s sexy.” And because it’d been a couple of days since I’d seen him I put my hand on his bulge and began to stroke. “This is pretty sexy, too.” I squeezed harder and felt it grow.

“God, it feels like forever since I’ve seen you, but it’s only been since Monday!” He laughed at first, but then agreed.

“It is Thursday.” he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Maybe we should fuck tonight.”

“That’s an idea. Peyton isn’t here. We should take advantage of that.”

“Ooh, really??”

“Yeah. It’s my ex’s custody week.” His crotch steadily grew under my petting.

“You know, I’ve never gotten a blowjob before while baking a pie.” Our eyes locked; my gaze transmitting excitement and approval.

“Yeah, you could add it to your bucket list then scratch it right off.” We laughed and walked to the front door.

“Well, have a good night,” he said.

“You, too. Lemme know if you wanna hang out later,” and the door clicked shut.

At almost 11 pm I realized I had his sugar canister and texted him. You can’t bake without sugar, after all.

My phone’s ting-ting startled me awake at 12:45 am. I was on my couch, an SVU episode on the tv.

Drinking right now. No hanging out tonight :(

I texted back, “Awesome. Have fun,” though I was seething. I felt totally disregarded, forgotten, and overlooked.

His response was,

This group of people is soooo awesome

I was speechless. And always one to not make waves I swallowed my hurt and anger like I do semen and diplomatically replied, “Sorry I missed you. I was looking forward to watching you bake. Another time perhaps. Be safe.”

However, an hour and a half later, I’d convinced myself that I had played it too cool, that I should be more honest with him about my feelings and so I texted him once more trying to sound put out, but rationally so: “I stayed in tonight because I wanted to hang out with you, you know. I could’ve gone out like you instead of waiting around like an asshole.”

But the truth of the matter was that I was more than just “put out.” He obviously remembered his plans with me otherwise he wouldn’t have texted to say we weren’t going to hang out, but to wait until nearly 1 am to tell me hurts my feelings. I could have found something else to do, but our light verbal banter and innuendos kept me tethered to home base.

Thirty minutes later, long after I’d fallen asleep he texted:

Not my fault

I’ve started a dozen responses to him, but instead decided to just write; to pour out my frustrations here so that my few remaining weeks with him might remain conflict free.

I’m afraid of starting an argument we can’t finish; I’m afraid of losing my control over the situation; I’m afraid he’ll just say, “Hy, we shouldn’t hang out anymore,” when I want desperately to be the one who says that.

Mostly, I realize, I am still afraid of being who I am because of possible rejection. Even after all this time of working on myself, changing my life, committing myself to self-care I’m terrified of saying, “Hey, you hurt me. Make it right, please,” because I have been let down by so many in the past.

You expect too much, Hy,” beats in rhythm to my own heart.

I wish so badly that he’d said, “Oh shit, Hy! I’m so sorry! You’re right. I’ll make it up to you Saturday,” but instead he’s relying on the tentativeness of our plans and pointing a finger at me. It’s my fault I assumed it’d manifest into an evening together. I mean, I’m pretty delusional to think our conversation meant anything, right?

I’m taking a big risk by posting this, but this is where I am the most blind and weakest in relationships: do I have a right to feel this way? He seems so certain I don’t and I don’t want to frighten him away with an end date for this affair so rapidly approaching.

You might feel my dilemma.

As of this moment, Friday morning, I’m going to let it lie. We have iron clad plans for Saturday. I can talk to him about it then. Or not. Maybe I’ll take my licks to help remind me of my courage when I finally end this, like pebbles in my pocket, and just grin and bear it.

Or maybe, he was right. It really wasn’t his fault.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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37 thoughts on “Maybe I’m crazy, maybe he’s an asshole.
  1. It was his fault, honey! Grrrr, I’m even mad at him and I don’t know who both of you are!!!!
    Here is a quote I literally read earlier this morning: “Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.”
    – Jo Blackwell-Preston
    I SO wish we were better at that!!!!
    Hugs to you!

  2. “Do I have the right to feel this way?” That is, I think, a hard question to ask, but not to answer. The answer is always “yes”. You are always entitled to feel something, even if your relationship precludes emotion. Whether you have the right to act on your feelings, however, strikes me as a separate question that is much more difficult to answer.

    Regardless of which question is appropriate, I think you handed it well. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, my dear Hy.

    1. You’re right. I think your question is more appropriate. I’m glad you think I did ok, however, once venting here I felt more clear headed and texted back, “heh true enough”. Because, ultimately, it is my fault in a universal, existential way and I don’t want to ruffle his feathers. I hope I still did the right thing.

  3. Communication, lady. :)

    Maybe talk with him about how the two of you make plans. How when he tentatively suggests that there might be a possibility of hanging out later, you take him seriously. And both of you can look at how to fix that.

    So, instead of, neighbor: “Hey, we can maybe kick it later and fuck.” hy: “Sure, that might be fun.”

    It can be, neighbor: “Hey, we can maybe kick it later and fuck.” hy: “Yeah? Do you want to plan on that or should I go out with friends? I’m cool with either.”

    Just a thought. I know good communication is easier talked about than implemented. But recognizing patterns of behavior that result in unnecessary conflict seems like a good place to start.

    1. I completely and totally agree with you and he and I have had that conversation in the past and have done well with it. But I didn’t confirm with him last night and that remains a fact, so, ultimately, he’s right: it wasn’t his fault – technically – though some would have felt the way I did.

      I think I’m putting a lot of pressure on us to spend time together because I know I’m about to end this. He has no idea.

      1. You had every right to feel upset! That wasn’t my point at all. :) And his response to you was a bit douchey, imo. Just was a thought.

        Gah@ending things. Ending things is hard.

  4. As much as I wish it was a different… feelings are rarely rational, even when we justify them. *hugs* love. And, if I were you, I think I’d just try to enjoy the ride before I had to get off (by getting off, hehe).

  5. Okay, I’ve never sided with TN and I think he’s a dick, personally more often than not these days. However, “might” is not yes, it’s maybe. You decided to stay in and wait. This one is on you, my love.

    Out of courtesy, he could have come back to you, but he shows you very little courtesy so this is not a surprise.

    I had to learn this lesson the hard way myself. If he doesn’t give you a definite answer, DO NOT alter or make any plans based on him. One, you’re feeding his ego and allowing him to take you for granted and two, you’re only hurting yourself and fostering your dependence emotionally while creating pain.

    Are you entitled to your feelings? Of course, but you caused them this time, baby.

    Mad at me?


    1. Not mad at all! You crazy?? I agree with you: I did bring this on myself. However, it still upset me. The whole thing is stupid and I think I was most angry that I felt like such an asshole. I chose to stay home, I was disappointed.

      I try to apply these things to my platonic friends and the thing is is they’d never treat me this way. They’d make sure I knew right away if we weren’t going to hang out or they’d certainly be apologetic if they didn’t.

      Whatever. This one is a lose-lose for me. Not only do I feel shat upon, but it’s also my fault! Haha

      I really do need to remember to lock shit down with him *every* time. It’s just sort of exhausting and feels juvenile, like closing all the loop holes. You know how kids seem like little lawyers?? “Well, you didn’t say not to jump on the bed with my knees!”

      I’d like to have the kinds of relationships where when I get teased and we talk about possibilities it means it will happen, not get passed up for something better to do.

      Never stop being honest with me, Gill. Then I’d be mad at you. xx Hy

      1. XX … I know what you mean, hon. To me, TN has become like a “junker” car. You’re putting more energy and currency into keeping it running, when you might be better served letting it go.

        But it’s easier to let cars go than people, so take that for what it’s worth.

        Hugs, babe.

  6. You’ve every right to feel the way you do!
    I don’t know this guy too much yet – as I’m pretty new here – but from first glance he doesn’t seem quite up to scratch for you…

    1. Thanks, girl. The basics are: he’s not my bf, we’re not exclusive, I love him, he loves me as a friend only and also doesn’t want to date a mother. I will be ending it soon because of that last bit of info. I’m just waiting a little while because I have some dates I want to accomplish first.

  7. For me, with this kind of problem I’ve had for years, I got past what I felt and it bacame clear that
    1. Yes my feelings are always valuable – to feel or use as a guide
    2. He’s never going to be capable of feeling what I need him to feel. He wasn’t raised that way – He doesn’t have the capacity I desire. (It really doesn’t matter whybut I wasted a LOT of time here trying to justify, re-evaluating my own needs…blah blah blah (WASTE of TIME)
    3. THIS WAS THE CLARITY REALIZATION without emotion that helped me see my own problem. Am I asking for too much? NO I was asking HIM for too much. It isn’t personal, I was just asking too much from someone incapable of being more – ever.

    Him texting you that late – I think reflects how cavalier he is about the relationship.He doesn’t have to work at it and he was possibly still expecting to come over after his fun. If he was capable of being decent hearted or empathetic at that particular time – he would have texted you that he was sorry to have forgotten to let you know that he couldn’t bake that night. How sweet would that have been? It melts me when a guy is empathetic ( not like a woman or a mom ) but matter of fact and gentlemen like, you know?

    1. Man, you are spot on, Jayne! And I just want to say I’m very sorry you know what I’m talking about!

      Good lessons all around, for sure. I feel smarter and stronger.

      Also, I ran into him this am and he looked like death warmed over. I told him, “Sorry for getting cranky last night.” he shrugged, grinned painfully, and said “I forgive you.” It was funny as hell and made me laugh.

  8. If you want to be the one to evict him from your life, bite your tongue.
    If he hopes to find a woman of your quality ever again, he has to learn that everybody deserves respect and the special people in one’s life deserve it even more.
    Unfortunately, he has come to regard you as a pair of favourite slippers; inconvenient if mislaid, but his world will not stop if they don’t show up. You deserve far better than this.
    When you cast him away, make sure Dawn has his number to let her confirm your opinions – big cock attached to a stupendous, self-centred arsehole.

    1. Lol

      You are utterly right. I offered to make us dinner tomorrow and he said, “Nah, I have softball. I could be home at 5 or 2am depending on if anyone wants to drink with me. I will always opt for drinking.”

      I don’t think he knew what he said. Honestly. But it’s killed my buzz for him quite a bit.

      1. Mmmm…dinner with Hy or drinking with the guys from softball. This is difficult to get wrong, but he manages it.
        Maybe you should not waste Dawn’s time, either. Not even if is amazingly well-hung. Is that where the blood supply from his brain got lost to?

        1. He doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to. It’s that simple. However, I’m in the middle of a day-long date with him, with lots of good stuff. I’m going to forget about the rest and try to keep focused until D-Day. But, yeah. That was fucking shitty.

  9. Hmmm this is a tough one. I can tell you that I’d be the exact same as you – hurt, disappointed, feeling a little put out, mostly feeling like an idiot waiting around for someone.

    Maybe this is a good indication of the future? You waiting around for him to love you, while he’s operating on a totally different (immature, annoying) wavelength. I really hate to say it, but it seems like this guy is doing you more harm than good :(

    Back to the question though – you totally had a right to be upset! While there may have been a slight miscommunication, a little sensitivity on his part wouldn’t go astray. “these people are soooo awesome” – really?!? Massive douche move there.

    Anyway this doesn’t really have a lot of direction anymore, haha. Just thought I’d leave a comment for (hopefully) some support – and also to say that I’ve read every single post on your blog so far and I hope you never stop posting! I love escaping from my mundane life to read about yours :)

    Lots of love – stay strong!
    Carly xxxx

    1. Aw, thanks so much, Carly, for both your support and your kind words.

      I don’t think it’s necessarily fair for us to blame his age; he just isn’t in love with me and he’s acting accordingly. At least I think he is. Sometimes I’m very confused about his behavior. Who knows what’s going on in his fat head :)

      1. What a perfect world it would be if we could read mens minds!

        Just an extra note, I sucked a guys dick last night in his car and I thought of you :)

        Best of luck! x

  10. Geez Hy….he is an ass for sure.
    I had a very similar relationship with a guy I worked with. He would always ask if I was free at night and say “I might want to [fill in the blank] later. Interested?” And 9 out 10 times, he would bail for drinks with friends or even ‘alone time’. I eventually made him feel like he was lower than dusting on my list of priorities and he started being more concrete with his offers. I don’t know if that would work with TN or not, but I wish you luck either way.

    1. Thanks, M, and sorry you can relate! We spent the better part of the weekend together and it was never really am issue. I think that this is the price I’m paying for this kind of non-committed relationship. I wish it was all roses and no hiccups, but that’s not what it is :)

  11. Sigh. There’s really nothing for me to add. I just wanted to leave you a note so you knew I hadn’t miss this. Hell hath no fury and all that… which I have always found extremely comforting.

    1. Aw, thanks, Noodle! I got some great feedback (yours included now) which lends me better perspective and gives me more sense of control over myself. It’s all good :)

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