I want to vomit.

The Neighbor and I were already struggling through a painful breakup when we erroneously (I drunkenly, perhaps him, too) allowed 4 am girl to weasel her way into our lives on Sunday. I’ve tried typing out the details, but it’s too awful, too stupid. The gist is I’ve spent some time with her and she told TN lies about me, plain and simple.

Sunday night we drank, she and I, until 7:30 am wherein I yelled at her most of the night until she relented about her misdeeds and eventually pissed herself – no joke. I caught her rolling around with TN in his bed, as well, when she’d disappeared for something in his apartment, her dog left in mine.

And the whole next day she spent at his house until after 8 pm. I imagine her dog went hungry the entire time.

I’d been hoping she’d been pissing and vomiting all day and showing her true colors, but he is smitten with this dainty thing apparently.

I apologized for drinking the champagne she stole out of his refrigerator and I replaced it. I haven’t talked to him since.

The whole thing has devolved into an embarrassing heap of steaming shit. I made the colossal mistake of letting her in my house and opening my mouth about last week, a betrayal of trust I’ve copped to; he never came and got her. Why did he leave her with me?? It’s all so gross and I feel so dirty.

Suffice to say I don’t like this woman. You’ll have to trust me when I say it because the details are too numerous and exhausting to list and they’re irrespective of the man I love and whom she’s stealing away.

If he wants to be with someone as disgusting as her, a woman who pisses on herself, weasels and manipulates, lies and cheats, has no self-esteem, is pompous and tacky, then he can have her and she him. But it doesn’t make seeing his car gone at 6 am any easier. Not even a little bit.

I’m trying to figure out how to handle next week when I don’t have my child. Do I bury myself in men or do I go it alone? I’m contemplating calling up a couple of old lovers whom I know are good enough in bed, but they pale in comparison to TN’s skills and I’m worried it’ll just make me sadder.

I just heard his front door slam. It’s 6:47 am. I guess he’s home from a night of fine love making. [Update: it wasn’t him.] Good for fucking him. I want to vomit.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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26 thoughts on “I want to vomit.
  1. Let me fetch you a bucket. I’m so sorry Hy. As far as what to do with the week sans enfant, I usually bite the dog that bit me…then again I’m fairly miserable in many ways.

    Courage Ma Belle Hyacinth. Bisous,

      1. For me, it’s where I know how I’ve ended up feeling shitty, but for some reason, I feel like I have no other choice but to repeat my own mistakes. Over and over. I’m a slow learner I guess.

        I hope you are feeling less nauseous.


    1. Thanks. And you should know, what does it mean that she pissed herself? I’ve never seen anyone so grossly drunk before. The first time I met her, on Wednesday, she fell down when she bent over to pat the dog.

  2. Hy, I feel the pain oozIng out of every word. But I think youre going to drive yourself crazy. You are going to have to accept his decision, no matter how hard it is. Just try to do things to make it easier on yourself. I think its like throwing salt on a wound and you have to try to heal yourself. Ive been there, and it fucking hurts. You know that time and distance will help you move on to being the wonderful, vibrant person that you are. Im pulling for you.

  3. Piss is a sterile fluid expelled by the body through the course of our normal body function. Not a character flaw.
    Anger, Lust, hartred and Desire are all emotions that exist solely in your mind. You choose to allow them to rule your life.

    True happiness is not found in the arms of a lover be they stranger or soulmate.

    The ability to be happy is innate in each of us we are born complete free from prejudice once we learn the concept of I, Me and Mine we taint the primordal wisdom we were born with. By continually grasping at the idea of permance of things and wishing for happiness to be found through emotional means you will never be happy.

    I say none of this with a thought of critizism, distaste or malice. I have watched you travel this path for quite some time, commented offered support and solice through kind words. Life is full of strife it is a persoanl choice to dwell in that strife.

    The choice to change is yours if you can find the courage to take that first step

    Limitless thoughts of love and compassion



    1. I will think on this. The comment about pissing herself I still find relevant. He wants that, not me. She has a drinking problem (I say this based on other things, as well). But you’re right, it’s my “choice” to dwell, though I don’t know how not to be hurt. It just does.

  4. You are in a stage the begins the road to recovery from your addiction. It hurts, but it helps. I saw go find some oldies and fuck your brains out.

  5. Hi, I’m new here. (*waves*)

    Take a breath. Breathe it out. Feel the stress leave you.

    You can’t change someone else. Or make them learn their life lessons faster. Good judgement of people is apparently one of the lessons he has to learn. A lesson that would cause contention between you whether he is in a relationship with you or not. When you involve yourself, you are neutralizing any effort he needs to do to learn.

    So step back. Breathe. This is your life lesson here on the page. You can learn it, you can do this.

  6. Damn – can Cruel follow me around some days?? His comment was right on the button. The voice of reason – pure and simple. It’s the emotional aspects that diffuse insight like that Hy. New Day – New Decisions. Do your best to let it all go. It can be so hard until you find another focus- even if it;s for a short time, go do something away from everyone . You don’t need to kow when TN is comig and going. hugs to you Jayne

          1. Oh – Cruel’s words he wrote that you then reblogged. His words weren’t even sexual but the intellectual acuity of them turned me on. Yeah, I’m a sucker for brains.

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