“Just dump him!” says my best friend and just about everyone else who knows anything about The Neighbor and our relationship. The thoughtless things he’s said and done, the way I feel expendable, unimportant, and generally over-looked have made him the villain to most people — including sometimes myself — but that’s just not the whole picture and it’s not fair.
That view is from the woman inside of me that wants what I can’t have; it taints everything unfairly towards him because the truth is — and no one can refute this — he’s been true to his word regarding our relationship. We both agreed in the beginning that it was to be strictly friends with benefits and he’s done a wonderful job at it. He keeps me at arm’s length, he’s private, he fucks me nearly any time I want, his feelings aren’t involved. Isn’t that what a FWB situation is supposed to be?
TN becomes the bad guy only when compared to the change in my feelings. I’ve grown to love him because, despite the silly things he says about kids and other women, he is always there for me, always kind, always supportive; he makes me feel beautiful and smart and desirable. We laugh, we play, we eat and drink, and we fuck like we were made for each other. I believe he says those less than favorable things to me to remind me that we aren’t together, not because he’s an asshole.
Karmic Diva wrote a post recently that really resonated with me.
1. Nice guys aren’t broken; you don’t need to spend a lot of energy trying to fix him.
2. Nice guys give compliments, not criticism; you don’t feel bad about yourself when you’re with him. He back-handedly critisizes me by saying I’m too old and I have a child and he hates kids (yeah, he said that on Friday trying to impress his friends. You could hear crickets. I have more to say on this another day). But then he lavishes me with praise in the next breath: I’m so cool, so beautiful, so smart, he loves hanging out with me.
3. Nice guys are honest, not deceitful; you don’t worry about where you stand with him. I have no freaking clue where I stand with him. 4. Nice guys are devoted to you, not attached to someone else (not married or still hung up on someone in their past); you don’t have to be his therapist or hear him vent about his feelings for someone else. Yep, definitely not devoted to me and I’ve spent some time helping him figure out other women.
5. Nice guys are empathetic and caring; you don’t have to feel confused and insecure because he flip-flops between hot and cold. Um.
6. Nice guys value their time with you; you don’t have to worry about why he’s not calling or making plans with you. I do worry and he rarely makes plans with me; I beat him to the punch every time.
7. Nice guys take you out; you don’t have to feel like a booty call or on-call vagina.
8. Nice guys make you a priority; you don’t have to feel like you’re last on his list of people to see. I know he sees me more than anyone else in his life, but I still feel like #5. Well, maybe #3.
9. Nice guys acknowledge your feelings and needs; you don’t have to worry about giving in to his unreasonable demands and expectations.
10. Nice guys like you just the way you are; you don’t have to worry about not being good or special enough for him. UGH.
But I still think he is a nice guy. A very, very nice guy.
Despite him scoring only a 3 out of 10 on the Nice Guy list, I believe it’s because he’s determined to not get closer, to keep this a non-relationship. I refuse to be mad at him for not feeling the same things for me as I do for him. That’s just ridiculous. I can be sad, I can be disappointed, I can move on, but I don’t feel I have the right to be angry at him for being honest with me about his feelings for me. (At least, the feelings he admits to to himself. Who knows how he’d feel if I got hit by a bus tomorrow: “I missed out on the greatest love of my life!” Possibly. Who knows what this kid can realize about himself or even if there’s anything else to realize.)
If he were my boyfriend, I believe with all my heart that all of this would go away. All of it. He would be 10 out of 10 on that nice guy scale.
Friday night was incredible. The cuddling, the words, the sex, the wrestling, the orgasms.
While hanging with some of his and my friends together on Friday I walked the line of familiarity with him. He introduced me as his neighbor and his friend (as per usual) but then he admitted to vacuuming my apartment for me three times; he cut me off with a laugh and added to my story if I got details wrong; he sat right next to me and bumped into me a lot. I reciprocated with equal knowledge of his life and events. I found out that 4 am girl opted him out because she found him to be too short. Everyone at the table laughed. “But I’m 5′ 9 3/4″!” he protested.
“How did that make you feel?” I asked in front of all.
“Like shit, actually. And offended.”
I didn’t point out that it must really suck to be discriminated against for something you can’t change.
My girlfriend said she thought it was obvious to everyone at the table that something was going on between the two of us, but she’s my girl. Of course she’d say that. For my part, I’ll admit to doing my best to mark my territory as women know how to do. And then he said to me, “You ready to go?” I said yes and followed him out. Gee, not suspect at all.
He lives in a vacuum. I’m hoping his friends say, “Wow, Hy was really fucking cool. You guys dating?” But that’s just the 15-year-old inside of me rearing her ugly head. I’m not holding my breath.
And then he swung by the store to surprise me with food because I was starving, made us drinks, fucked me until I balled up and exploded, wrestled me till I squirted with delight, and then cuddled me. He came once inside of me and again on my face.
“You wanna go cuddle?” I ventured while out on the balcony after we’d spent ourselves.
“Yeah, definitely!” He took my hand and led me back to my room, laid down and pulled me into his nook.
“I love cuddling you, Hy, because of our connection. Our emotional connection. It feels amazing. You’re amazing. This is all so special.” I lay in his arms wishing I could freeze frame the moment but also feeling entirely mind-fucked. Like, my head was a village and he was the invader kind of mind-fuck.
Then we decided to make a TN and Hy Sexual Bucket List for the time we have remaining:
- Sex in public (Hy)
- Sex in the pool (TN)
- Sex by the pool (TN)
- Threesome (TN)
- Sex at a swanky hotel (Hy)
- Sex on the balcony (TN)
Saturday morning I went next door to help groom him for his laser treatment (a ritual we’ve done 4 times now). It was comfortable and sweet. I laid in his bed, he folded laundry, I pet him, he teased me and we laughed and then I left with a goodbye kiss to go get my kid from my parents’ house.
I will not wait until September to end this, nor will I wait for the bucket list to be fulfilled, or softball to be over with. D-Day is end of July (I share this to try and hold myself accountable, of course). I’ll just have to wait and see what happens then.
I did this to myself. I chose to get involved with a younger man who didn’t want a relationship with me who happens to live next door. My girlfriend asked me if I’d thought I’d have no regrets going in to all of this. I’d told her I’d had no clue, because lemme tell you, I’m feeling lots and lots of regret right now as I face a long summer alone with no privacy. I never thought I’d fall in love with him and I certainly didn’t think that if I did he wouldn’t either. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work?? A great friends with benes situation turns out into a perfect love match?
And, as far as my fear of losing my muse, well… as many of you have pointed out I have a lot more to offer than just my pussy. We’ll see what happens with this blog because this is where I talk about my sex, not the rest of my life. I will likely take a dating hiatus and pull from memories and then just see what happens.
I’m looking forward to some goddamned relief.