I backslide.

He called me while I was with my softball team celebrating our last game of the season. When was I coming home? He wanted to know. Soon, is what I said.

Home, a little drunk and a lot horny I knocked on his door. He’d be over in a minute. I showered, put on a men’s Hanes tank top and pajama shorts.

He came in wearing only shorts. We lay tangled on my couch chatting. I was scissored between his legs, his erection “accidentally” peeking out of his shorts.

He stroked my thigh, I stroked his cock. I took a gamble and gripped him, he dropped his hand and dipped into me.

We wordlessly moved closer to each other’s hands.

I exhaled as his fingers pushed into me; he thrust up into my hand. I crawled up on my knees and took him in both hands and sucked on the exposed inches.

I looked up at him, my hair framed my face around his cock and I smiled. “It tastes like I remember,” I purred.

I laved his cock until I knew he was on the brink. “I’m not going to let you cum unless I get something out of this.” He looked surprised.

“What if I fucked you?” his eyes were serious.

“I could do that,” I whispered.

There was a pregnant pause as I cringed internally at my own weakness.

“Have you been with anyone since me?” he asked.

“No,” I answered simply.

It was all he needed to hear. He stood up, stripped and grabbed my hands and pulled me into my room. He shoved me hard onto my back, ripped off my shorts and paused right outside my hole.

“You remember how this feels!??”

“No,” I whispered back as he pushed his length inside of me. I was wet and inviting.

I sighed and cried out and bucked against him. The bed moaned its displeasure as I countered with sobs of pleasure.

I gushed and pulsed and writhed beneath him. He stared down at me as I came again and again.

He hitched my legs up on his shoulders and I released on us again. He groaned his own release of control and railed into me as he filled me with his seed.

His head hung and he kissed my neck, began to move again. I whimpered and clung to him, then he stopped and grabbed my vibrator.

I put the buzzing head between my legs as he began to gently fuck my face. I rose and fell with each thrust, then he moved around and his cock was inside me. He commanded me to cum, called me a dirty fucking slut, but I edged back, took a breath then came down hard all around him.

I lay there sobbing dryly, shaking. He got up and got a towel, tucked it under my bottom and hooked his hand into me. I begged him not to, but it was too late. I released a gush of ejaculate all around his hand.

He dipped his head to my breast and sucked as he made me climax twice more between my pleas.

Then he rolled over and lay beside me and began to jerk off, his hands caressed his meat. I pulled my quaking limbs together and knelt between his thighs and fell onto his cock with my face.

“I don’t think I can cum again,” he said.

“Yes, you can.”

Two minutes later he’s fucking my face, begging me to take him all the way as he pumped another load down my throat. I licked my lips.

“I faked it,” he smirked.

“I know,” I said, “taste this fake cum.” And I crawled up his chest and kissed him passionately. He laughed and pulled me into his arms.

He tried to leave right then, but I told him No. He had to wait for me to know my name first. We joked over math word problems and then finally I was ok.

I walked him to the door awkwardly. What did we just do besides only what we do best? What about 4 am girl?? I walked him out. We didn’t hug.

Beefy, but nerdy has been texting me all night with delicious photos. I think I better go check on him now.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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34 thoughts on “I backslide.
  1. I wouldn’t be able to resist either. He makes it so hard for you! I’m going to keep rooting for him to come to his senses and realize what he wants and needs is to let go and be with the whole Hy. I might be the only one (well you might too) but I’m rooting for TN + Hy 4ever.

        1. No, if I were in Fantasyland, I’d be thinking something changed, that we were back together. I think we were both horny as fuck is all. 4 am has been out of town and she’s a self proclaimed “prude”. I have a feeling she came home last night, actually, and turned him down.

          But I don’t care. I needed that fuck. Is that a fantasy?

    1. I totally live in Fantasyland Mike (by the way, free plane ticket here if you have a big cock)! I’ve been “the one that got away” too many times to read this and not believe in him coming to his senses some day. I just hope its not before she moves on. No perfect formula for love, it happens when it does.

  2. Mike is right. Even if it was only done subconsciously, you called it backsliding for a reason. You’ve been talking yourself in to this for the last two weeks. You have yourself convinced that his is the only cock that will satisfy, he is the only man that’s ever really tried to know you and other men won’t measure up.

    Several things jump out about TN’s words last night that are really uncool.

    “I could fuck you.” What was that? It comes off like he’s ambivalent and just did it so you would let him cum. He made it your call so that he can later say he was just doing what you wanted.

    “He commanded me to cum, called me a dirty fucking slut.” In the proper context, those words are just fine during sex. But it seems like an odd thing to be calling you when he’s cheating on his girlfriend with you.

    “He tried to leave right then.” OUCH. Fuck and run much? It’s not like he’s going far. Why can’t he stay for a while? Why so anxious to leave? That more than anything would fuck with my head. I’d go in to why, but it would probably make you feel like shit so I won’t.

    You put a lot of time, effort, thought and emotion in to a guy that tells you he won’t commit to you and leaves after he cums.

    Like I said before though, only you can decide to take control and move on. Right now you have yourself convinced that you need this and nothing anyone says is going to change that.

    When you hit rock bottom, you’ll know. Until you get there, you have to do what you have to do.

    1. I took a risk posting the truth last night. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. With the exception of trying to run off too soon (which was a jerk move), the other things he said were fine.

      There was mirth behind the “I could fuck you.” It was an unspoken, “You ok with this?”

      And he called me a dirty fucking slut because he knows I love that; it was a new form of intimacy we’d been exploring with each other towards the end. I took it as him reestablishing that connection.

      I think TN is confused. I think he’s shocked as fuck that he can’t just turn the spigot and not want to be with me in whatever capacity. He’s young and inexperienced. He’s not malicious or diabolical.

      He probably wanted to run out so fast because he was twisted up by what he’d just done. In his mind, he’s a stand up guy. He knows he shouldn’t have done that.

      My self esteem isn’t tied up to whether a man lingers with me after sex, frankly. And besides, this is a goddamned cluster fuck.

      I guess I’m just at the point in this where I’m willing to cut him some slack. My heart isn’t invested. I feel like its on the shelf, honestly, while the rest of me is moving on.

      I know I’ve been pining for his cock, but that’s because it’s the only one I have to pine for.

      I just don’t want anyone to worry about me. All this “addict” talk and “rock bottom” stuff.

      1. sorry Babe… Ella’s right. She knows you … I know TN … stop denying and get off the train. You are convinced “one more” won’t hurt. It does.

  3. Per Mike’s posts and yours: You are both right.

    You did need a fuck. But it was a fantasy to get it from TN. If it was just a fuck you wanted, someone else would have sufficed.

  4. The name of this blog is about going against rules. What could be more natural than a bit of a cheat on yourself? 

    Whatever your deeper, quiet heart says, the heart you are in touch with is realistic. All that: no future…he just cheated on his girlfriend…he is stringing you along because he is not in touch with his heart…no fun to be with without sex…sort of thing. If you know that, then why not have sex when you need it?

    Balance. I don’t want to obsess or scold myself with anything. It gives whatever the issue is, more importance than what you gave it originally. 

    The Neighbor isn’t important. Who you have sex with. Any of that. Not important. You are important. 

    I should say that I am one of those people that are incapable of strictness toward others. If you said that you will do whatever course of action, well, I’d be supportive. That’s my heart. 

    I like Ella and Mike’s strength and clarity of sight. I agree with it. But know that I think there are several readers that just want to be on the journey, wherever you take us. 

    So listen to the mentor types, and you needn’t feel judged by the readers. No judgement, no expectations, just support. You are cared about, not today’s line in the sand, whatever it is.

    1. Thanks for this, IKTB. I appreciate it. I love all my readers’ input and support, their stern words, their loving ones, their disgusted and or titillated ones. It’s hard to put myself out there like this sometimes, but I am on a path of honesty here with both myself and everyone else. The day I hold back something from my writing is the day I know I have to shut it all down. I’m willing to take my licks.

      Thanks again. xx Hy

  5. I know you said you both “needed” it, so it sounds mutual what happened, but I suppose his described actions sound like he’s using you as a means to an end, instead of the friend that cares for you. Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but I sometimes feel bad that you’re not getting exactly what you want, and I’m kind of attached to your story here.

    Lots of comments here about the paradox in your post and the title you gave it. I will say this: I hope that everything you choose to do, it’s in the best interest of you. It needs to be Hy winning all the way. Hy being worshiped. Hy being fawned over. Hy on top. Hy being that baddass chick that we know you are.

    We want to witness you in all of your glory <3

  6. I admired that you were honest because you will get mentored. I am a firm believer in people saying exactly what they think because I know I have blind spots, weak spots and wet spots I don’t see right off the bat. I don’t care to have “YES” men around me. I don’t learn anything that way. I think you’re like this too. Most people don’t or won’t say what you may need to hear because of different reasons. Like you have said before, you’re lucky to have this place to write and work through all this. I’m lucky to be reading someone brave enough to put her shit out for public review. It’s cleansing and educational at it’s best at the cost of being judged and that’s life. Personally, I think you’ll eventually see that TN is great because you have endowed him with qualities you want but over a period of time, he continually reminds you – in those fucked up serious talking times – that his character, unfortunately, can’t measure up to what Hy needs. It sort of ironic to me that he doesn’t measure up. : ) You have guts to expose yourself here and I fucken love that! I’m not talking about your pics either! Jayne

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