Not having orgasms or sex has cleared my head.

My head, it’s clear.

My phone chimed Sunday morning to tell me The Neighbor and 4 am girl  broke up.

Saturday night he was on my couch seeking support and counsel. He was depressed and confused. I sat there with cheap white wine on my breath wondering what I was supposed to do.

All I could say was that no matter what, it’s always rude to ignore someone’s texts. He saw I was hobbled.

I wanted to help him, truly, but where could I go with this? My enmity for her is open and, well, there. He’s fucked if he wants me to decode her bullshit.

We talked some more about his childhood and his current patterns. Eventually he declared he was feeling much better and he thanked me. I told him I was probably the best thing ever. He agreed, but asked that I not make him repeat all that he loved about me. I think it pains him.

I promised with a shit-eating grin I wouldn’t, took a swig of my wine and leaned back into my pillows. “I need to tell you something.”  He looked at me expectantly.  “I’m not going fuck you again unless you don’t look for anyone else. It’s not fair to me, to you, and certainly not 4 am girl.” He said ok.

He stayed a while longer then eventually stood and thanked me, hugged me warmly.

I was relieved to have sex off the table and went to bed smiling.

Sunday, after sharing his news, he came by for a hug, left to run errands, then offered to buy me and Peyton ice cream. I privately shook my head in wonder, but told him, “Strawberry,” anyway.

A few hours later in the pool with friends and my baby someone cannon-balled in front of me. I shook the water off my beer can and waited for the jerk to surface. It was him. Quel surprise.

“Where have you been??  I’ve been trying to bring that ice cream over for two hours!”

“What??  I told you I was going swimming.”

We played in the pool for hours, laughing and playing catch as we always do, then climbed the stairs to our apartments and he brought over his frozen treat. Peyton gobbled it up on the balcony and shouted down to Downstairs Neighbor, “TN bought me strawberry ice cream!” I pantomimed that TN and 4 am had broken up by pointing upstairs and breaking an imaginary twig in my hands.

DN guffawed and quoted Jabba the Hut, “This bounty hunter is my kind of scum…fearless and inventive.”

At 10, TN texted. I was busy kissing a precious face and sticky fingers. When I was done he came over, nonchalant and relaxed. He lay with me on the couch, Frank Sinatra crooned overhead.   This time I had cheap red wine in hand.

I watched and waited while we talked and slowly, shyly let our limbs touch.

He asked how my promise was going. I said ok. Then he slipped his hand between my legs and watched me shiver. My hands trembled and I licked my lips.

I told him I was steadfast in my pledge, though my friend had already folded. It felt good to be in control of myself for a change, I told him. He smiled and nodded. “You don’t have any kind of rule right now, do you?” I asked as I snaked my hand up his gym shorts. I’d been trying to avoid looking at his chubby pink meat which would occasionally slip into my view all evening.

“Nope. You’re the only one.”

“Good.” I stroked my hound beneath the slippery basketball shorts and purred that I was a hound master. TN raised an eyebrow.

“It’s true. It’s always done what I wanted when I wanted. You, of course, were another story, but my hound, it always listened.” And as if to answer precum drooled out its hole and strung a line down to his belly.

In the end, my mouth and pussy steered clear and instead I watched him work his magic cock, his hand a peach-colored blur, until he spurted out thick, white globs of jizz. I bent over and licked his belly clean and tickled him when I dipped into his navel to get its little pot of cum.   It was delicious.

He moaned and chuckled. “You have cum on your cheek.” And so I did.

Don’t be disappointed in me. Nothing has changed except I was right. He admitted she was horrible in bed. He can’t get over me. We are like magnets. Throbbing, wet, ridiculous magnets.

I still have two days to go on my promise and a second date tonight. I will not re-enter this dating purgatory with TN unless two things happen: overnights and exclusivity. Period.

Which, essentially, is me saying NO. He will never agree to these conditions, but for me, I can’t lose; it will feel like standing on a hilltop with a breeze and the warm sun on face for me to set my declaration. “No, you can’t have my sweetness unless you take care of the rest.”

It’s been a liberating few pleasure-free days.

Sometimes I wonder if these are see-through when wet.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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36 thoughts on “Not having orgasms or sex has cleared my head.
  1. Brilliant, Hy, absolutely brilliant. I would have done the same thing. You’ve definitely come a long way in this thing with TN. Proud of you babe xx

    1. No, there isn’t. And I’ve already lost him, so I have nothing to lose. Well, maybe a little self-respect? Nah… I’d feel good about it. :) xx Hy

  2. Sweet! I was on the edge of my seat waiting to hear about your weekend and whether he came wanting…and yes he did. Tsssst, ouch, you are on fire girl.

        1. We’ll see… I’m not holding my breath. If Ella still commented on TN (she swore she never would again heh) she would say this was just part of his manipulative mastermind plan and that a leopard never changes his spots and that I was a raging fool for even considering spreading my legs for him again.

          Trust me, I’m leaning more towards her version than some fairytale kind. But, I have an open mind, too. What’s most important to me about all of this is that my attitude has shifted. I have my rider, so to speak. If he doesn’t provide me with what I want, he won’t get what he wants: Me.

  3. Oh Hy! This is great. You happy is what makes all the difference. It’s so funny how the blog-iverse works. If I met you on the street I wouldn’t know who you were, but I feel like you are such a good friend from your blog. I feel foolish being so happy for a “stranger” somewhere else in the world, but I do, so there! Now, send me some good vibes… I’m going to need them in the coming weeks. Tough shit ahead for True.


    1. The internets are magical, True! I’ve made some amazing friends via this blog so far. I love it when you post and leave comments, your writing is real and sticky. I feel drawn to you, as well, so don’t feel foolish!

      I will most definitely send you all the good vibes I can. xx Hy

      1. I was too quick … I guess I do owe an explanation.

        Because it was a (sort of) victory and you really still want to surrender

      2. geezus … you’ve got me started. I’m just putty in your hands.

        He’s on the ropes, you know it. And you will only take him back on YOUR terms. Pardonnez-moi? WTF? You know you should NOT take him back on ANY terms.

        And (silent) Ella is right … he’s trying his old tricks and playing you. And you, so strong! Only lick up his cum off his belly. Quelle femme forte! You are indeed a rock.

        1. I’m not. I enjoyed last night; I kept my promise to myself (no fucking or orgasm) and I kept a mostly safe distance from him.

          Mike, compare Hy from a month ago to last night. I’m extremely proud of what I did. Gimme a break.

          I refuse to suddenly subscribe to black and white when my entire life, this blog, everything lives in grey. When it’s time to never touch him again it’ll happen. Last night wasn’t it.

          Hell, for all I know they’re reconciling right now. None of this matters. I want his cock in me on my terms. If he says No, then ok. No big fucking deal. I don’t have him now, so what difference does it make??

  4. I’m all giddy and happy and suddenly not as tough as I normally am.

    I am lifting my TN embargo to say:

    I’d like to believe for you that TN is capable of change, but only time will tell. While on one hand it was nice that he turned to you, on the other it was insensitive. He’s been “with” you for far longer. Does he turn to anyone when he’s upset about you, or is there less emotion there?

    From the outside looking in it seems weird that he cared at all that they broke up. I could tell- I think we all could- that they were going to or had already because he was home so much. The relationship never really “took flight”, so why any angst at all? I have a thought, but I’m keeping it under my hat. You know he reminds me of my ex and this is a pattern I saw often. Enough said.

    I’m glad that you’re feeling clearer and that you’re taking self care seriously. You deserve that and more. But I also hope that if he doesn’t come around and he starts to date other people again that you are wise enough to roll up the sidewalk on this.

    See, not as harsh as you thought I’d be.

    1. Wow. Well knock me over with a feather! Thanks, Ella!

      He was only barely angsty the day after the breakup. It seemed like he shook it off pretty easily. When he was with me he said he was happy. It was the night before when he was confused and depressed. Some day I’ll ask him why he cared at all about staying with her since the sex was bad and she was flakey.

      He, himself, said that their relationship had gotten off to a bad start. Downstairs neighbor just called him stubborn. “The man walked away and stepped in shit and now he’s acting like he wants it there.”

      In other news he just brought over some incense for me because he noticed I was out. He hung out with his BFF last night. I wonder what that guy said to him… Anyway, no rider demands met, no riding.

  5. DN says the weirdest shit!!!! The Jabba quote and now this… Hilarious.

    You’re pretty damn funny too. “No rider demands met, no riding.”

    Keep it up. Don’t go in there half cocked and make excuses. He can’t ever take you seriously if you don’t keep your word.

    Meanwhile- second date??

    1. Haha I know! And what’s so funny about DN is he has some secret music blog where he does reviews and gets death threats. He and I are so alike (minus the death threats, natch).

      I will stand firm. This week of abstinence has worked a small miracle.

    2. Oh, and the second date went kapoot. I wasn’t into him anyway, but he called to say — and this was so sweet — that he knew I wanted more and he couldn’t give it to me right now (just moved out of a 12 yr relationship). He was so broken up about it and worried that I’d take it personally.

      I thanked him and told him a lesser man wouldn’t have said anything. So, thankfully, I didn’t have to hurt him.

  6. I wish I understood yours and TN relationship more but i think there are too many blogs for me to read to ever get it. I cant help but want you to be together though!…

    1. Thanks, Lucy :) If you have time to kill, go to the Men tab and read up on him there, or even Chronology.

      Basically, everyone used to want us to be together (me included) then he opted me out (based on being a divorcee and a mother) so I opted him out. I still think he’s in love with me and will one day wake up when he’s 40 and miserable and realize what he lost.

  7. i’ve had a quick read of some posts regarding him.. has he been cheating on this other girl (4am girl?) or where they never exclusive?…it totally sounds like half the time you have a relationship, its such a shame that things cant be simple.. i think its a case of he doesn’t realise what he has right in front of him! :)

  8. Am I the only one here who still has faith that someday this will work out? It may take some time, but TN needs you. He will change and eventually, you can wrap this all up into a mini-series on Showtime. I don’t think they allow nudity on any of the women networks, so it has to be Showtime. Anyway, slowly but surely…

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