He takes me for granted.

The leather couch cradled our butts like marshmallows as Peyton, my mom, and I watched the Niners lose their shit to the Vikings yesterday.  I cringed whenever a Vikings fan hooted, but I was happy.  Happier than I’d been in a long time.  Mom screamed and yelled at the tv and drank her gluten-free beer with gusto and Peyton ate quesadillas and buttered carrots and gulped down root beer like it was ambrosia.   I was the center of my own happiness.

We got home after running a couple of errands and I let Peyton watch some tv while I puttered around the apartment cleaning.  I peeled off my bra and let my breasts strain beneath my white t-shirt whenever I bent over or reached into a cupboard.  I wondered what our lives would be like if I had a man in it, like all the way.   Someone to put those dishes away that are too high for me to reach.  Someone to grab me as I walked by to kiss my neck or swat my bottom.  Would he be laying with Peyton watching Care Bears?  Would he be reading a book in our room?  Is this life even real??

At around 6 there was a knock at the door, heavy and curt.  It was The Neighbor, I knew without even opening the door.  Peyton beat me to it and squealed when TN came out from behind the hallway corner.  “Why were you hiding?” Peyton asked laughing.

“Because I can!” replied TN with a big smile.

I came up behind my baby in a grey and black striped skirt and black Converse One-Stars; my heavy breasts hung on display through the murky white of my shirt.  I held the door open with one hand as Peyton darted out and hid where TN had been behind the corner.

“Hey.  How’s it going?” I asked.  TN looked delicious.  The wiener-dog-boom-box shirt stretched enticingly across his chest and he twirled the Ray-Bans I helped him pick out in his hands.

“Good.  I just wanted to say HI and make sure you weren’t still mad at me from last night,” he smiled boyishly at me.

“Mad at you?”

“Yeah, you didn’t want me to leave.”

“I never want you to leave.  Tina was passed out on the chair and I didn’t want to stop hanging out.”

“Did Downstairs Neighbor ever come over?”


“Too bad.  I was hoping you’d have a good story to tell.”

“Nope.  I just fell asleep after you left.  Nothing exciting to report.”  Just then Peyton darted out from the hiding spot, zipped past TN and smacked him on the ass.  TN’s face lit up in shock and a laugh burst out of me.

“Did Peyton just –?” he started.

“Yep!!  You just got spanked!”  We stood there and laughed, the innuendo heavy between us.  I invited him in briefly to return some cleaning supplies he’d lent me and then walked him out and returned to nesting and mothering.  The birds chirped, the sun shone, I kissed and loved.

Later I texted TN to see if he’d like to come over after Peyton was asleep to watch a movie.  He politely declined and said he was working on a project.   I poured myself a glass of wine and settled in to watch a little Frasier after I’d tucked in my little person.  I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, the warmth of the day had sapped my energy as if I’d laid on the beach turning crispy brown all day.

At 10 I awoke on my couch and headed to bed.  I put on pajama pants and crawled under my covers dreaming about space shuttles and my exhusband and father.  I awoke again at around midnight and grabbed my laptop and turned on another Frasier episode.  My eyes fluttered, my breathing slowed, I drifted off.


Instantly, my heart raced.  I’d forgotten to turn off my phone.  I rolled over and picked it up.  It was TN.  “You up?”

I struggled with what to answer.  Countless times he has ignored my late night texts, occasionally even my knocks.  Should I do the same??  I’m exhausted, mildly cranky.  My fingers hovered over the little lit-up phone.

“Sort of,” I replied.

Immediately he responded with, “Coming over!”

I smiled and shook my head and dragged myself out of bed.  I briefly considered changing into something sexier than what I had on, but decided against it.  Fuck it.  It was dark, I felt like weights were hanging from my eyelids.  He’d have to make do with where I was.

I walked through the darkened apartment, my furniture shadows of lurking, scoffing monsters.  “You’re an idiot, Hy,” I imagined my gargoyles saying.  “Go back to fucking bed.”

I reached the front door and pulled it open it as TN was pushing it.  He was wearing the grey suit jacket we’d bought him during his $1500 shopping spree at Nordstrom, the wiener dog shirt, a pair of thigh-hugging jeans and white socks.

“What’s up, TN?” I said squinting at him.

“What do I wear with this jacket?”

“Seriously??  That’s why you’re over here??”

“I can leave…”

“No,” I turned to lead him back to my room.  “We’ll just have to talk in my room.  Come on.”

He followed me back through the dark, the gargoyles laughing now, and I climbed into bed.  He turned on the bathroom light and cracked the door to not blind me.

We discussed fashion for several minutes.  He’s nervous about wearing something so fashion forward.  I told him to wear it like he owns it and he’d look great.  “So it’s that ‘confidence’ thing you women love, eh?  Goddamnit.  Only 51% of the population seems to know about this.”  His point being he didn’t know if he could pull it off.

I lay on my back and stretched and said something about “payment” for fashion advice. He backed up a little and leaned against the wall looking at me meaningfully.  “I don’t want to have sex,” I stammered,  “that’s not what I’m talking about.”  I was suddenly embarrassed.

His eyes widened then he smiled.  “But what if I want to have sex??”  I knew he was baiting me to see if I’d cave.

“Too bad.  All I really want is for you to touch my boobs.”  I lifted my shirt and let them spill out.

“Really?? That’s it?” He sounded surprised.  Quickly, he closed the distance between us and I scooted over to make room.  He kneaded and squeezed my breasts watching me as I smiled up at him.

“Mmm.  That feels good.  You’re the best at that.  It hurts so good.”  I shut my eyes and pretended I was a ball of dough.

“Really?  It hurts?” his hands became softer, the look on his face concerned.

“No, no.  I like it.”  I grabbed his wrists and pressed his hands down on me harder.

My right hand slid across his thighs and rubbed his bulge absent-mindedly as he began to lave my breasts with his warm mouth.  First one nipple went in his mouth, then the other.  His 5 o’clock shadow a stark contrast to my soft, smooth pale swells.  I gently stroked his face and ran my fingers through his hair as he drank from me.  “It’s so hot to see your face pressed into me like that,” I said.

His answer was to gather up both breasts and take my nipples in his mouth.  I arched a little and gasped against the tandem sensation rippling down my body.  “God, that’ s hot,” I whispered, “It reminds me of when there are more than just one of you in the room.”  He continued to lavish attention on me as I purred and stirred beneath him.

“Did I leave marks on you the other night?” I wondered out loud.  I had made him cry out from clawing his thighs into me when my legs were pinned over my head.

“I don’t know.”  He stood and undid his belt and slowly unzipped his pants.  His erection sprung out, pink and ready.  He wasn’t wearing any underwear.

I tenderly touched his bare thigh.  There were no marks.  “Turn around.”  He slowly swung his meat past my face and offered me his other thigh.  Nothing there, either.  I kissed the spot where they should have been and turned him to face me, his cock inches from my  mouth.  I gently grabbed it and pulled him closer, but he stepped back and chuckled.  I was left leaning over the edge of my bed like a baby bird with an open mouth.

“You are so funny, Hy.”

“Really?  Let me suck it.  I haven’t done that in so long.”

“No, not tonight,” he said gently tucking himself back in.

“Why do you torture me like this?” I asked with a tiny pout.

I take you for granted.”  I just looked at him.  “I know I do and I’m sorry.  If you never sucked my cock I’d be begging you for it.”  He buckled his pants and stepped back to the edge of the bed as I leaned into my pillow on my side, my left leg hitched up.  I sunk deeper into my mattress both disappointed and relieved.  My exhaustion piled down on me suddenly.

“What am I supposed to say to that?  Should I get crazy and angry at you?  Or just remain congenial?”

“I don’t know,” he said as he pulled the sheets up over my hip tucking me in.  “You’re tired.  It’s time for you to sleep.”  He leaned down a little and traced my jaw with his finger.  “It’s late,” he traced my jaw again and swept his fingers across my temples and laid out a tendril of my hair on my pillow.  “Go to sleep.”

“Ok,” I murmured.

“I’m going to go now, Hy.  Do you have a key under your mat?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Ok, well, if you do, I’ll lock the door for you.  If not, I’ll come back and get you.  Goodnight.”

“Ok, goodnight.”

He turned and quietly left.  I barely heard the click of the front door before I drifted off to sleep still feeling his tender touch and the gaze of the gargoyles on my face.



A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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74 thoughts on “He takes me for granted.
  1. Sometimes it feels like he gets it and as soon as he realizes it he runs. Not from you but from himself. You are everything he never thought he wanted and he is scared clinging to an idea that no longer suits him. Keep your head up Hy.

      1. No not at all. You still are yourself, you just let him engage his primal urges by letting him be the aggressor in the relationship. In return you gain power by being able to accept or refuse his advances whenever you want. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but it’s the best thing I ever did. I did it with my boyfriend (who’s now my husband), and he proposed about 3 months later. I know it sounds stupid, but it really works. There’s a more modern book that basically employs the same method called “why men love bitches,” again you don’t have to be a bitch, just aloof.

      2. Also I truly do think he cares about you. Along the lines of what I was saying before, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, I think you’ve made it too easy for him. You’ve laid all your affection out on a silver platter, and he’s nibbling at it like an appetizer instead of eating you like a meal. I think you should make him work for it. You are so kind and generous, you deserve to be happy. That being said, men are creatures who love a challenge, and the chase. Make him yearn for you! Of course I realize this is all completely unsolicited advice, but I really believe playing hard to get will work. It always does. I just want you to be happy. :)

  2. Honestly, I’m done being sympathetic to TN. This was a highly dickish and extremely immature way of saying, “Look. I’m going to go have fun. You made a point of saying you wanted to hang out and I said no … now guess what I’m still saying no, but I’m going to flaunt how YOU are instrumental in me taking you for granted and trolling for the chick I won’t let be you.”

    I love you, Hy, but he’s a motherfucking childish, asshole dickhead who feeds his ego on your pain and desire. It’s abusive and if anyone knows abuse it’s me.

    1. I was wondering how long it would take someone to say something like this. When other people here see romance in him, I shake my head. Now tli think that Anyone who’s ever taken psych for more than one semester or has been in a crap relationship doesn’t see him as being romantic.

      1. Here’s what I will say. And I hope I say it nicely, in a way that doesn’t entirely offend.

        Yes, I’m saying that anyone with even rudimentary knowledge of psychology knows that what TN is doing is _______. The same theory applies to anyone who has ever been in a less-than-equal relationship.

        Here’s what I got from your post:

        You asked him to stay on Saturday night and he left, just like he always does. I have no idea what happened there, because you didn’t post about it, so I don’t want to extrapolate out any farther.

        Did no kind of alarm bell go off in your head when he walked in for fashion advice at midnight?

        He’s blatantly using you as a stylist so that he can be more appealing to other women. Years ago, he would have been called a cad or a heel. These days, he can be known as an asshole or a fucktard.

        He straight up tells you to your face that he takes you for granted and then follows it up with a subtle request for you to stop throwing yourself at him. But you don’t see this.

        Your brain takes the information that he doles out and views it through a lens that doesn’t allow you to see that what he is doing is, in fact, abusive. You pretend that he isn’t, and calling him sweet, misguided, confused, scared, young…. All excuses.

        The paradigm of the entire relationship hinges on TN taking and you giving.

        I try not to say much anymore, because really, you don’t want to hear this. But I read things like this and all I can think is, “how does she not SEE this?!?!?!?!”
        You’ve got blinders on where he is concerned.

        Everyone who reads this blog and responds to your posts do so because they care about you. Often more, I fear, than TN does. At least that is how it comes across much of the time.

        You know what you want. It says it right here in this very post:

        “I wondered what our lives would be like if I had a man in it, like all the way. Someone to put those dishes away that are too high for me to reach. Someone to grab me as I walked by to kiss my neck or swat my bottom. Would he be laying with Peyton watching Care Bears? Would he be reading a book in our room?”

        Every day that you waste with TN is a day that YOU keep YOURSELF away from that reality.

        Once again, I pose the same question I asked you last week.

        What would your advice be to Marian if it was DN doing this to her?

        1. I love you, Ella.

          He left before I wanted him to on Saturday, but so what? It wasn’t a big deal and I was never mad. Did I leave that part out? I just didn’t want to be left alone with my passed out friend. It wasn’t a big thing.

          Coming over at midnight for fashion advice isn’t a jerk move other than being late. He won’t buy clothes without my approval. He just wanted some help. He wasn’t headed out.

          And the “I take you for granted” comment” came after he pulled away and before he touched my face and tucked me in. He came off slightly drunk on power and dickish. I think that’s why he was so tender afterwards.

          Now, you’re probably thinking I’m making excuses. I’m not. I wrote that piece as I felt it. I hope the confusion and slow burn to anger is evident.

          I’m angrier every hour about it. I won’t say he’s sadistic, he’s just careless. I blame myself for most of this. I could have said “no, don’t come over.” I’ll work on it.

          Yes, he was a cad last night, but he’s not aware of it, at all. If I thought he was doing any of this on purpose to hurt me, I’d be rageful, but since he seems so clueless I’m rendered more confused. I’d like to get to the place where I don’t care if it’s deliberate or bit and react to hurtful things regardless. That’s what I’m aiming for.

      2. Sorry, I did not explain that very well. I didn’t mean that he was going out at midnight. I meant that he was trying on an outfit for today- or some night this week- when he sees whoever it is that he got himself anxious enough over seing to seek fashion advice.

        My point with the Saturday thing- and his departure- is that he’s very consistent about keeping you confined to what little space he’s willing to share with you.

        You say he doesn’t know he’s doing it, but his “I take you for granted” comment says otherwise.

        He knows more than you think, and his comment reveals that he has thought about the psychology of it.

        I say this all the time and I’ll say it again. Women look for hidden meaning in what men say, but often it is RIGHT THERE, in black and white. TN says a lot of words that, if you give them any thought, tell their own story about what he thinks. The devil is in the details.

        I’m a protector. Always have been, always will be. When I feel that someone is being taken advantage of, I say it. I think you’re being taken advantage of.

        I grew up on John Hughes films too. :-) I’m a romantic at heart, but sometimes an asshole is just an asshole, no many how mamy times you spray it with febreze.

        You want someone to put the dishes away on the high shelves. This guy almost never spends the night. That’s a huge divide.

        What you want and what you accept are two different things. I believe that when those two things are happening at the same time, you will be on your way to a future where some awesome man says, “I love you Hy,” before he turns off the light and pulls you in to his arms for the night.

      3. Not a big thing…but, asking midnight fashion advice is rather abusive of a friend. To want it from a wannabe lover is downright hurtful. Why so urgent? It is either extremely narcissistic, trying on all his new clothes at midnight 3 months after buying them, or he is trying out what he is wearing for the following night’s escapades with person or people unknown. You invited?
        Tucking you in was, as others point out, just wrapping up the visit as painlessly as he could. Not even wanting to share his cum with you was as selfish as your offer was generous. Keeping it for someone ‘better’? Just-in-case?
        If it were my relationship, I would grieve for it.

        1. Wow. I just don’t see the big deal about this. I’ll ask him why he needed midnight fashion advice. My guess is he’s just feeling insecure about wearing something so fashionable (he was going to wear it to work). But maybe you’re all right and it was for a date. In which case, oh yay, more fun.

      4. Midnight fashion advice for a FRIEND is NBD. If my bff, or any close friend, called me and asked to come over, I’d wake up in a flash. Spending time with people that I love and value who feel the same toward me is always fun, and moments like that are what make life special.

        The problem in this equation was TN. You can ask him all you want, but he will lie to you- just like he lied about the smell of Vanilla Ice & how many nights he spent at 4am’s.

        He didn’t tell you he had a “project” to work on and then pop up two hours later for a fashion show because of work. The project was himself, and he wanted to make sure it looked okay.

        My chosen profession is something that requires constant observation, so little things like that get noticed. The puzzle pieces are always there, waiting to be assembled. He drops clues like he’s Hansel on the way to the witches cottage.

        1. You’re over-estimating him. The man has NO GAME. He worked out last night until 9:30 and his lights were out by 11. He hates clubs, generally hates people, and doesn’t go out unless it’s a date or a dinner party. Maybe he is trying to get dressed for a date, but I’m telling you, I highly doubt it.

          And the “project” could have been a marathon jerkoff fest (he does that), or work, or a video game, or chatting with an old friend on Skype. Seriously. He didn’t lie about Vanilla Ice. Turns out his shampoo really does smell like vanilla (I’ve used it myself). Now, the nights at 4 am’s is another story, I’ll admit.

          Anyway, I think he’s an odd man with an odd schedule. Call me naive. That’s not to say I’m not thoroughly pissed off today about the whole thing. He came over, got what he wanted (again), told me he took me for granted, then left. Not even remotely ok. I get that. I’m just saying he’s not diabolical. :)

    2. You can be done, 40. I’m not sure I follow you in regards to him somehow dissing me last night other than the obvious. I’m still chewing on this. Big time. I must have deadened senses. It can take me hours or days before I react to something.

      1. Hy – I hope you know that I would not turn my back on you. Traumatic blood loss and several days in the hospital has left me with little patience or filter.

        Here’s the obvious … you expect to be treated this way. You expect to be taken for granted the same way you expected to be betrayed by Marian. I’ve never heard you so unbelievably happy than when we discussed how she hadn’t, but honey, all she did was what a FRIEND is SUPPOSED to do. It wasn’t special in and of itself (No disrespect, Noodle, you’re my girlie too)

        You allow TN to get away with this shit because he does it less than some others in your life have done it. Well one stab wound is less than 30, but it’s still a stab wound.

        TN gives you sexual freedom and you define yourself as and by your cunt. You’re afraid to lose the sexual fulfillment so you put up with the other immature, asshole-ish bullshit. But one thing is for sure, he’s a dickhead who doesn’t respect you and you allow it because you expect not to be respected so you trade great orgasms for your self-respect.

        I know I am being harsh, and honestly, I’d rather be kicking his ass for fostering the insecurity to keep you available to his dick (I think Ella said that, but it’s true), Why else do you think he does it? Whenever you start to take charge and be strong he MAKES SURE to cut you down and honey, that’s exactly what that bullshit was

        1. You wanted me .. you can’t have me and I’m going to make sure you know it every single chance I get …, but wait a minute suck my dick

        2. I promised I wouldn’t bring up you not orgasming through nipple stimulation but I just did anyway so you’ll feel like less and be willing to put up with my abuse and manipulation even though I’m full of shit and have proven it again and again

        3. Oh, here let me tell you I take you for granted and then STROKE YOUR CHEEK AND TUCK YOU IN .. how about NOT FUCKING TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Bottom line, Hy baby, is YOU are settling in this situation as much as he is manipulating you.

        I love you dearly and understand if I’ve pissed you off, but this is the spade I see.

  3. I think it was him saying he realizes what a goddess you are and wants to change his way of thinking about you, to NOT take you for granted anymore. Then he makes sure you are locked away safely, being very protective and loving.

    But then again I live in Fantasyland. But fantasies do come true, and things do have a way of working out. I have taken more than my share of Psych classes by the way, and I’m in a strong and committed marriage, happy kids, etc. But what would I know, like I said before, I grew up watching John Hughes movies.

    1. Do you know he left for sure? I follow what Ella says for sure, she wants you to avoid pain caused by TN, but I believe in this journey you both are on together.

  4. I would have locked the door that night. Even knowing that is a truth for him before admitting that to you, it would have just been right to lock the door. Everyone usually falls into taking someone for granted at some point but there can be a “taking for granted” that is coated in kindness and gestures of appreciation. Give up sex for another week to get Rozalynd Hustle back in charge.

      1. You know – sensuality feels good in many forms – heavenly and hellish. Hellish is what the majority of TN’s pleasure seems to be for you. Enticing the physical connection is torturous and eventually it weighs you down. I think it feels SO GOOD that like you said or others said before, you’re addick ted hahaha – it’s not funny but I like the word spelled that way for you. He feels great on the outside but always has an end result of paining your heart. I think that when you’re hurt REALLY bad, you’ll break the connection. I’m a pretty bull-headed woman and for some reason ( I do know ), I don’t draw boundaries soon enough blah blah blah… I get the idea that you can take a lot of pain before its too much. I could be wrong. Sex gets in the way of clarity but hasn’t it always done that through the ages?

  5. He frustrates me. If ever anyone needed to make a decision… at least he realizes he takes for granted. Better than most people in that situation

  6. I sometimes wonder…if TN exists. Is TN really a straw man, something to crystallise strong emotions and truly eccentric behaviour around? Is he like the scent that gets dragged in front of the foxhounds to give then something to chase, to get then excited but never to catch?

    Oh my word, you have led us a merry dance, Hy!

    No wonder we all froth and rant while you sail serenely on, taking his crumbs as if they were a worthy offering.

    Ha! The jig is up! What is your real man like? Your proper life?

    1. My proper life really is this, sadly. I am still reeling and processing last night, however. I am not talented enough to make all this up. I wish I were!

      And whose behavior is eccentric?? xx Hy

      1. TN’s behaviour is eccentric, if judged from the point of view of somebody that really wants Hy as a complete package rather than as a convenient FB.
        Your behaviour? Weird. Or, it’s just what you would expect from a girl in love with someone she has almost no control or influence over. And being Style Guide does not count as control. It’s what one does to help somebody get launched elsewhere.

  7. I cannot figure out if TN is so scared of his own shadow that he plays this little game with you b/c he is truly that insecure about himself ..or if he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and chooses to screw with you because it’s an ego stroke for him, albeit a truly fucked up ego stroke…
    I only read words on a screen about this man and feel frustrated by the confusion of it all. I can only imagine what kind of insanity it must feel like to live it.

    1. Truly. I wonder all the time myself. When I write about him, it’s from my gut, my mind’s eye. The snap shot of emotion and imagery that I recall. If its inaccurate, it’s my fault entirely. But it’s definitely one-sided. I’ve been toying with the idea of asking him to story-tell an encounter of ours so I could post it, just to get the other side… But I doubt I will.

      1. True, there are always two sides to every story, but considering the fact that you don’t always paint him in a negative light proves you aren’t just here man-bashing the guy into a pulp. (Tho many of your IBF would love to :-p ) I highly doubt it’s inaccuracy. He may bring a different perspective, but no matter how he tells it, there is really no reasoning out the constant sway of his behavior.
        I do see your draw to him…and his to you. I just worry that it’s like a bug to a zapper. Magnetic for sure, just not the best ending!
        Just take care of yourself.. and my offer for physical violence still stands :-p

  8. Damn girl, you caught some shit of the hellish fan with this post. I just read these comments and it’s like looking at a Van Gogh, colorfully vibrant with the tangibly textured hard paint that makes the image a unique masterpiece of a troubled mind. ( P.S. I think all minds are troubled ) I also think TN is not capable of the empathy and compassion someone like you, who feels greatly, needs to be balanced. I love you Roz. Feral

  9. it seems to me that everyone getting harsh on this post has forgotten the words of the lovely blog author as written in “Fuck my Neighbor.”

    “I’m constantly wondering what I got myself into, but then I’m deliriously happy with the entire arrangement. It’s the best and the worst and confusion is the name of the game. Own it.”


    Rule #1: Know expectations.
    Rule #2: Do not make this a serious relationship.
    Rule #3: Do not make it a monogamous arrangement.
    Rule #4: Be fucking cool.
    Rule #5: Be open..
    Rule #6: Expect The Crazy Person

    When the rules are remembered and followed, then everyone gets off their high horse and enjoys the time together, and when in doubt, read rule #2, and then read rule #2, and then read #2 again for good measure.

    1. Ha! Tou-fucking-ché! I guess I should add a caveat that all rules are nearly impossible to maintain after half a year, let alone an entire year. I was golden for about 3 months, then lost my shit.

      It’s a “do as I say, not as i do,” kinda thing :)

  10. Hey, so this is my first comment. I read your blog religiously though, checking it every day. Unlike many other of the regular fans, I have no serious approximations or judgments about TN. But as honestly as I can put it, you post about “taking control”, when you never really do. From a feminist perspective, you play into all the old tricks. You only “take control” in relation to TN, by denying him. You measure your own self control by the ability to outsmart him in the same mindgames you seem to set up/read into by yourself. If you had him write a blog about this relationship, it would probably be shocking how different he sees this than you. As much as I love your personality and character that I can tell from reading your blog consistently, I’m afraid it is you that are your own worst enemy my dear.

    I know this will probably fall on deaf ears, but it’s either shit or get off the pot. For you, him, perhaps both. You cannot claim to take control of your life by measuring that control against his reaction to it. That’s called passive aggressive. Key word: passive. Still not in control.

    I’m not advocating you end the relationship. I think you can have TN and your cake too. But you must manage your expectations. Claiming you don’t care isn’t fooling anyone, and certainly not him. Actions > words. You must teach people how to treat you. And right now, you are cuddling with the poopy puppy after making a show in an effort to train him. TN is smarter than you think. Your efforts are barely fooling us, so how do you think he is really interpreting them? Like I said, either you care or you don’t. You want more or you don’t, and are fine how things are. If he changes his perspective/behavior, then GREAT! But don’t expect that you will be the one to make it happen. Not like this.

    I love your writing and I hope you’ll forgive my brash approach seeing that this is my first comment. You sound like a lovely woman and I truly wish the best for you. But you should puck yourself up and stop waiting for the knight in shining armor. Best wishes!!

    1. Christine, I welcome your comments no matter the content and thank you for the time it took to even say anything in the first place. I approved this comment last night and literally slept on it. I don’t really argue with anyone’s opinions on here because there’s a lot of truth in most of them no matter how different they may be from one another and I feel the same way about this comment.

      I have a difficult time with boundaries with everyone in my life. I’ve struggled since I was a child against parents who didn’t honor them, then later with friends. I still work on them with my mom, but after a lot of hard work, I now have a better circle of friends who take care of their own boundaries well, and thus mine, so I don’t have to work at mine too much. All except with TN. I let him walk all over me. (Though, to be fair, I’m the type of person that would let any friend over at midnight for a fashion show if he/she really needed one. See?? Boundaries…)

      He, as many have pointed out, honors nothing about me, which leaves the boundary setting all to me. Setting them based on his behaviors (what you called “passive aggression”) is actually a pretty big deal for me. Sad, I know. But I’m getting there. Little by little.

      I have a fear of abandonment and thus saying NO. It prevents me from truly protecting myself and taking “real” control. I’m working on it all the time. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one back, others half a step forward and 14 back. It’s exhausting, but I’m learning a lot about myself and TN.

      Something big happened last night: I shut the door in his face and told him goodnight after a quick chat. He tried to block me from shutting it, out of sheer surprise, but I told him goodnight again and he let me shut it. It was a big move for me. I’m so angry about his blithe comment of taking me for granted.

      Anyway, this is a learning process and I’m chipping away at years of wiring. Imagine a massively tangled bundled forged out of years of mistreatment through a so-called loving, intimate relationship with a parent and you’ve got what I’m dealing with here. And with support from people like you and your thoughtful comments I get the added bonus of seeing my own behaviors and patterns reflected back to me in a way a real life friend never could.

      So, thanks again, Christine, and welcome to the other side :) xx Hy

      1. As a side note, I truly love your writing. You are very talented and your posts on various sexcapades are super hot! I guess it’s just frustrating when it seems you keep doing the same things expecting different results. I’m sure it’s very frustrating to you. Thanks for the welcome and I look forward to all of your future writing! You really have great talent, and I hope one day you will see your own value more than it seems you do now. I hope I didn’t come off as judgmental, but you know how it is when you get caught up in someone else’s story as you’re reading :)

      1. And I might. I’m going to wait a couple of days and see what happens… No use in jerking everyone around even more. Despite what it may look like, I’m thoughtful about what I share.

  11. I’m that guy who’s in it “all the way.” After reading your entire post, and all the comments, I’m confident that you and all commenters have overlooked most alarming part of your narrative.

    Don’t keep a key under your mat. That places you and your child in danger. Lock the door at night and don’t open it unless you’re escaping a fire or similar hazard. Don’t let a man in the house late at night when that man is not your child’s father or your husband or another male relative you trust; this creates confusion for your child should he discover you together during the night, or much worse, should there be a loud conflict. These rules apply equally to single fathers.

    I could continue, but won’t. I’m just picturing myself as your child’s father and allowing my blood to boil.

    1. Ted, I appreciate your concern. I trust TN and Peyton knows him. I also know that Peyton sleeps like the dead. TN and DN are the only men allowed over when Peyton is. They’re my friends in Peyton’s eyes just as any girlfriend may be, and I have girlfriends over when Peyton is home. I don’t need to treat TN any differently just because we fuck. Peyton doesn’t even know what that means. I am extremely discerning about this. My child only ever sees my good friends (male and female) over at our house, not random men, and TN and DN are the two that are over the most.

      My child’s father knows I have friends of both sexes over when Peyton is with me. His blood doesn’t boil. How could it? He’s had women over, friends as far as Peyton ever knew, and now he has a steady girlfriend with whom he shared a hotel room between the three of them and he and his gf shared a bed (that’s a whole other ball of wax, but Peyton and I talked about it). My point is, children will survive seeing their parents with other adults in various kinds of friendly relationships. They need to be appropriate in front of the child, but behind closed doors, all bets are off.

      But let me reiterate. This isn’t just “some guy” I’m letting over and into my bed when Peyton is here. It’s the man I (think I) love (ugh), my next door neighbor, a playmate of Peyton’s. We’re quiet when we fuck when Peyton’s asleep and after many months of doing it with a child here, we’ve never woken up my baby and if we did, Peyton would NEVER see TN was in my room. He’d be thrown in a closet until I got Peyton back to sleep. Seriously. I hope this makes you feel a little better about my safety and situation :) xx Hy

        1. I forgot to add back in a line I cut from my response to Ted: “Re: the key, it’s there for my family for when I needed help one day with my dog. I’ll go get it now :)”

      1. Only a little. I grew up in a big city with my dad out-of-town on business 4 out of 6 weeks. I don’t worry so much about TN as about somebody wandering past your door looking for trouble. My own elementary age child still asks about an absent favorite sitter, which is sometimes difficult to explain to that young mind; romantic entanglements make things worse. That said, I’m conservative for a libertine.

        Regarding TN: many men are romantically and emotionally inept. I’m inclined to say you edify rather than punish until it’s clear he’s deliberately stoopid. As you appear to agree, he’s not so far gone, yet.

  12. People can say what they want, but in reality you are the only one that truly knows him – you only show us what you want of him and of course, yourself. I won’t judge unless I meet him and see the two of you together for myself.

  13. Back from self-imposed isolation and have to chime in on this. This post hit me hard – though realizing that it couldn’t be written objectively and it’s subject to our (reader) interpretation.

    Whether he’s doing it consciously or not, what he’s doing has the footprints of conditioning and that’s a long-term shit filled path.

    You’ve heard forms of this many times, but it’s my turn to repeat it. =)

    It’s a cycle of punishment and rewards, that you allow, that let him turn it up another degree each time. To the point of where you expect to get punished (him not doing what you want/ask) so you can get rewarded after (him doing what he wants, on his terms, even if it’s the exact same thing you wanted). And now the cycle is so established he can say whatever the fuck he wants without true consequence. If it pisses you off, he just had to go into punishment mode, and you know the carrot of reward mode will soon follow – consciously or subconsciously it’s what you’ve learned to expect.

  14. Holy hell! This post and all the comments gave me a headache. I am guilty of doing some of the same things..I had a I man in my life (a playmate) who literally wanted nothing more than sex from me. He was allowed back to my home over and over but he used sex as a way to communicate and there was never a hint of anything more than that. It left me feeling used and foolish and it didn’t last long. But I see some of the same techniques “fire guy” used on me that TN seems to use on you….dangling what you want and making you feel wanton for wanting it, then acting like its for your own good he is denying you. Is he devious and manipulative…or oafish and ignorant? Probably a little of both.

    In the end, being ruled by your body and your heart while both are being fucked with is a living hell. I get it. Its why I hibernate…I just shut down completely when I go on overload. As for you….all I can say is you are one brave lady to put it all out here for us to weigh in on and comment and dissect and sometimes..shit all over. You take it all gracefully and keep an open heart and mind. Its why we love you. Its why we root for you. Its why I wished I had someone like an IBF who cared so much I wouldn’t feel alone. But…I hope at the end of the day…there will be some peace for you sweet Hy. Its good to have IBF tell you the harsh truth…its also good to have IBF just say….come over here and give us a hug and we’ll talk about it later. Its all I got right now…..

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