My boobs cheer him up.

The Neighbor has been strangely open and needy with me since he departed for his trip home.  He doesn’t usually admit he needs anything from me — he prefers the deserted island type existence — but he’s been very vocal about what he wants and needs from me the past couple of days.  Vertical cleavage, apparently, cures all his ails.

And so I’ve sent him 20+ pics of just my cleavage peppered in with some hardcore shit.  He gushes and thanks me — so unlike his usual self — and I smile and oblige him.   He sends me glorious cock pics and told me he bought me a gift.   A gift?!  I’m guessing it’s a key chain.  My hopes are definitely not up.  However, I’d bet my last dollar he didn’t get anyone else a gift.  Anyway, I fucking digress…

As my own stressful trip to San Francisco looms I’m wondering what he’ll be like as home base for me.  I’ve checked in with him if it’s been several hours of silence, asked him how he’s doing, given him words of encouragement, sent him boob pics.  My gut says he won’t do shit for me and that’s pushed me away from this whole thing the past few days.  I am not allowed to rely on him, as per our unspoken agreement; he may rely on me till he’s blue in the face.  It’s bullshit.

He posted on Facebook today — another great rarity — and I found myself lost in some of his pics.  Either his ex-girlfriend or he lifted some kind of privacy lock because I can see a lot more pics this time around.  She’s dark-haired, like him, and not at all attractive.  I know she put him through the ringer, didn’t care about sex, demanded he stay over 6-7 days a week, and forced her will on him in nearly every way, yet in every picture together he’s got his meaty hand on her waist, he’s smiling with her, he’s leaning in.  He’s with her. 

It made me realize that we will never have an old album like this.  Our pics are secret and I usually haven’t tagged him in whatever I do post online (I’m a reticent and permission-only tagger).

Behind the scenes Ella (whose blog is down these days but whose voice is louder than ever in my comments) ripped me yet another new asshole because I’ve seemed more lovey-dovey towards TN lately.  She thinks I should shut it all down because he’s evil incarnate and I keep saying I don’t want to and he’s not that bad.

She’s probably right that I should shut it all down, but I’m not ready, yet.  I’ve lightened up, but part of it is really because I’m expecting a lot less and enjoying more of what I do get.   Right now this is mostly comfortable.

However, the album of him and his ex has torn open my old wound and it smarts as I look at her and think, “She was the right age, she had the right parenting status, she had the right marital status.”  It goes some distance to think, “And she also sucked monkey ass,” but he loved her — or at least thought he did — and he’s never gotten to that point with me despite saying he loves everything else about me and our relationship.

So, I’m nervous about my travels and I’m sad about this stubborn sliver of reality that’s gotten under my skin.  I’m nervous because I hate the obvious sometimes and prefer to live in a warm hug of fantasy — sue me — but we’ll see what happens.  Maybe he’ll inundate me with warm check-in texts and cock pics.  If he does, it may buy him a little more time with me.  If he doesn’t, it just means the ride is that much closer to ending.

And I’m sad because I really can’t keep on like this is as “fun” and “easy” as I say it is.  It’s also somewhat humiliating to see him actively not choose me.  Someone who’s never done things to him like his crazy ex-girlfriend did and who’s done things to him that he’s only ever fantasized about.   I’m like a helicopter: on paper I don’t fly, yet in reality I do and he still doesn’t have the capacity to fly with me.  The Hyacinth Ride is a lot more special than he’s treating it and I’m getting bored with his ambivalence.

And if I could post my life with TN on Facebook, here’s what it’d look like this weekend.  I’d call this album, BOOBS FOR TN, and tag him in every goddamned one.  Maybe his ex-girlfriend, too.

From my game.
Not at home.

I aim to please.
Fifty people standing around didn’t stop me.
Next morning, braless and with my girlfriend asleep behind me.


He said he was really sad this morning, so I sent him this. He said, “Much better, thank you!”
The last one I sent. Several hours ago he was complaining again of being miserable. I asked him if he’d like some boobs. He said, “Not now, I’m not ready to feel better yet.” I told him to let me know when, one was on deck. He just texted me to say he needed boobs “stat.”

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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44 thoughts on “My boobs cheer him up.
  1. Your boobs are magnificent, as always. <3

    As for the TN thing… I agree that it is bullshit that you probably won't be able to count on him on your trip to San Fran, but I am ever the pacifist in that, I think you should continue to do what makes you comfortable in your own skin.

    There is no use in warning you about the heartbreak, because you've already experienced it to the hilt with him. I say keep riding it out until you're ready not to.

    I may sound a little wishy-washy, but I am forever in your corner, desiring your happiness, my beautiful Hyacinth.


    1. Thanks, Fatal, truly. I know this TN/Hy saga must be so boring, but you know how it is: real life isn’t as black and white as the words we write.

      It’ll all end when it’s the perfect time and not a second sooner. I’m certain of that much, and you’re very right: I’ve already experienced all the heartache. Can’t be worse than it was!

      Thanks again, sweet Fatal. xx Hy

      1. Not boring at all. I read you for the same reason I’ve always read you. Your honest and raw experiences touch me deeply in two ways: 1) I can see myself here, a lot and sometimes only a little, but I do… and because you’re a beautiful human being and I want to know the way the story ends.

  2. When being given advice the first question you ask yourself should always be ” do I want to live my life by my advisors choices”
    Ms jones you are a beautiful openminded sexual beast of a women. If I was single and 10 years younger I would be doggin your door.
    That aside and advice can go fuck its self. You are more than the desires of your flesh it is what it is it was what it was today is another day. Be present where you are enjoy each day as you live it if not you will look back someday and wonder where it all went.,

  3. Your post about him – the one where you described what things were like now – the one with him delivering the duraflame to your door. ( I think that was so sweet) Sue Me! It made me think how I process everything. It jacks everything up to process, instead of just letting things BE. The problem with that is, I don’t know what is coming down the road. But – I can never know what is coming. If you ( universal you – not just HY ) just take each day – with no expectations, things are smooth. It’s when I expect an outcome that I am disappointed. TN has his own unexpressed ways, amidst his preset expectations of his life but he’s not following them himself. What is the point of placing him within your ideas of love? It causes you pain and you can’t do anything about it if you wanted. I don’t know what my point is but there is no point in placing your relationship with him in any context. You will take it or you’ll decide you won’t. Until then, there is a softness to him. That, with all of the unexpected connection you described, is to be enjoyed, in my humble opinion. It is what it is. You are hurt because you don’t get what you want but in some way you do. Like you stated – He may just be incapable. It isn’t about you. His limits for your needs are clear and like you said…you choose to live with them or you don’t. For those that feel deeply, nothing is clean cut. My husband can live as we are and he’s not mean or malicious but I had to clearly resolve the fact that I need more and he can’t give it to me. You did that already too. Is this another lesson ? Sorry if I’m long winded here. Jayne

    1. You’re right, Jayne, you’re right. Like I’ve said, I’m mostly happy with things, then I see his album and I get sad and upset. I don’t know why that happens, but it does. I’m really just waiting for things to naturally wind down so I can step off the ride myself, you know??

      And I agree — you know I do — that he expresses himself differently than some and I feel confident that he really does love me. It’s his loss he hasn’t shared it with me (and mine), but I can’t change it. *sigh* Whatever. One foot in front of the other and all that :) xx Hy

      1. I totally felt the hurt of seeing his album with some female – Why can’t he do that with you?!! but again, you might as well ask, Why can’t he pour out his heart? and proceed to list why he should and why he doesn’t. You have to take him at face value – no more – no less with no expectations. Your own limits have to be what you are clear and sure about. My husband is similar in a way. He is only cappable of HIS way and he doesn’t get what I need. He is incapable of deeper emotions. It took a lot to realize that but like I said, you have already gone through that kind of ordeal. *Hugs*

        1. Yeah, it’s good to remember I’ve been through this before and survived. It’s also good to realize I got myself in this once before (patterns and all that). *all the sighs* Thanks for the hugs, girl. xx Hy

          1. Go easy on yourself is all I am inferring. Fucken enjoy what you can and toss off what you can’t…you’ll be old and decrepid like me soon enough! Haha!!!!

  4. Nice breast. Worth spending some time playing around :-)
    I’m just taking your story now, sounds quite interesting… Reminds me when I was 22 having sex with a woman of 42… she was great. One of my best partners actually…
    Now that I’m on the other side, I just wonder where a 22 girl would be interested in me… I doubt…

      1. Don’t think of it that way. No story is boring. Just the fact of you exposing it mixed with your thoughts and analyse of what your life is makes it much more than interesting.

        We often think our lives are common, but they never are. Some details you just find insignificant can be worth much to others.

        The fact that you have an attractive body and had a tons of lovers doesn’t make you worth less as a person. I always admired people able to get so much sex and never getting bored by it… It somehow proves no two partners are equal :-)

        And be certain that even if I was #2325 on your list, I’d be happy to have been able to bring my little difference to you… This is just an image, I have no idea where you are and am supposed to be faithful to my wife anyway, LOL… Did I just say “supposed to”… Damn it… I sound like I am not :-)

  5. just a thought – then I’ll shut the fuck up – you already place expectations on him for your future trip. let it go and don’t expect. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I say all this because I don’t see how he can be the way he is with you and still hold steadfast to his “list”. ok bye

  6. Well this is certainly Boobageddon! I’m, as always, thunderstruck.

    Sure, the FB thing hurts … how could it not? Keep moving on … you’ll be fine.


  7. Damn. I would love to have your breasts. But at least I can look at them… I agree with the majority here. Take what you can *as long as* you feel you have control. Then it’s fine not to have it all. We rarely do anyway…
    That’s not to say I don’t feel like punching TN sometimes.

  8. My dear I just want to say that you are beautiful. You deserve to be treated better by someone better. We always want the ones that aren’t good for us. But for some reason makes us feel alive. The only thing we don’t realize is that we are dying. We are dying to please. And to find out why they do what they do, but don’t move heaven and earth to be with us. Not just our bodies. Pictures. Words. We are so much more than that.We are whole beings. Sexual and otherwise. I followed a man around like a puppy because he validated me. The only person that needed to validate me, well, was me. I know I sound like a mom. It’s because I am. But I’m also a woman. A sexual deviant too. But a woman first and foremost. Find someone that thrills your body and your soul.

  9. Taken in its organic pieces, yes, some posts are heartbreaking, some are epiphanies, and and some are just plain honest. Point is…it’s never boring. If we take a step back and look at the bigger picture of your story, I’d say it’s one of the most compelling yet, my dear.

    I feel like we’ve learned, cried, cheered, struggled, rejoiced, and mourned all the same with you.

    The strongest women I know are deeply vulnerable inside. That’s why you’re so great to others. You shoulder all the burden for them, and no one would ever know you’re hurting if you didn’t tell them.

  10. Yes, the Hyacinth ride is awesome, and you should take it. Fuck him, if he doesn’t appreciate it. You got to know you’re a treasure; either he’ll see that, or somebody else will.

  11. My crappy Internet connection went down and required a service call from the ISP to get things back up and running. Then I see this massive collection of boobies, and I am back up and running! Life is good. Boobies are good. Your boobies are wonderful.

  12. a few years ago i went to miami for a couple of days for work; i said to my lover/woman of my dreams that i’d bring back a dolphin as a present…..i did…….it was a key chain; i’ve no reason at all not to doubt that she hasn’t still got it in her handbag – do those negatives work? – so i guess it all depends what’s on the key chain….a metaphor for life i’d say…

      1. it says that you replied to my comment before i had the chance to comment on the post that details what it was he bought you…….in other words; it says whatever you hear, which seemed to be very favourable; and this is good, no matter what the back story :)

          1. i know my story is true, and by extention i take yours to be also….has everything you’ve written been fabrication?! and you got marian in on the act too!?!? i admire your dedication….

          2. ah….that makes far more sense……i had no doubt…….ummmmm; the cop out answer is that only you know how you feel about it and only you can assign its importance…very dull….it should really have some link to something you’ve shared, some attachment to a moment in your history, and not necessarily something significant, in fact the more cursory the better; a sign that he listens and retains all the small stuff you flipantly say in passing…such as: “stupid paper bookmarks, will no one rid me of this turbulent material?” and rather than kill all paper, he buys you a metal bookmark – listening to you, and learning from history…..

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