On a bright spring afternoon in March we met The Greens. He was tall and dynamic, she was short and vibrant with a sheet of shiny brown hair to her waist. The Neighbor and I arrived first, ordered our cheap beers and picked a spot facing the door. I was nervous and excited.
That afternoon I flirted with a taken man and watched TN flirt with another woman. He and I sat shoulder to shoulder as he animatedly discussed Crossfit with her. Her partner and I rolled our eyes at their workout comparisons and smoked his hand-rolled cigarettes.
I couldn’t tell if I was doing any of it right. I felt at once natural with Mr. Green and also highly unbalanced with TN. Watching him engage with another woman and to show interest while theoretically ok with me wasn’t going down as sweetly in reality. Then I felt his leg press against my thigh and with it a swell of assurance; the grip of worry I’d begun to feel relaxed and I was able again to wonder what this new man would feel like between my thighs.
We all ordered another round and kept talking until TN and I had to leave to catch a flick. We hugged, said we wanted to see each other again, and made tentative plans in a few weeks.
In the car TN fondled my breasts as we raced down the highway. I told him how confusing it was to see him flirt with another woman, but how I wanted it to happen, how it needed to happen in order for this whole thing to leave the ground. Mrs. Green was the wildcard in the group, mercurial and sensitive, and she would require a lot of attention from TN. And I would have to be ok with that.
TN told me how proud of me he was, how beautiful and awesome he found me. He said things men should never say if don’t intend to stay. “You will always be preferred, Hy. Forever.”
After the movie, we went home, to my home, and peeled off our clothes, found each other in the darkness, and flew away on the wings of his giant, magical cock. He mounted me like a rutting animal and pinned me to the mattress until my head swam with many orgasmic fireflies. “You’re such a good girl, Hy,” he growled.
My heart burst and I came under his tutelage and my angry Hitachi and sobs ripped through me. How is it, I wondered, I continue to be stuck in this lovely purgatory with him? How can I get us out? I cried and cried as pleasure swept through me like an asshole, as if to say, This is why. You are weak and can’t give this up.
Not yet recovered he demanded I have another one. He hooked his fingers inside of me and I burst around his hand like a berry. Dazed and confused with lust I felt him press the wand back into my hands. I shook my head, but he nuzzled my neck and said, “Yes.”
I flipped the switch on and bucked under the vibration. When it ripped through me my heart ached again in equal measures and I cried more fat tears which pooled in my ears like little petals catching morning dew.
I lay there and heaved, clawed for composure, and thought about this strange relationship I’ve built around our fears: his fear of my life, my fear of being left. If I keep it like this, just outside of real, then when it goes away it won’t matter as much, right? If I offer him everything he could ever want, it won’t be personal when it ends. I cried some more at my own sad cognitive acrobatics.
We hung out with the Greens once more after that; they made us dinner. TN got high for the first time and I watched the night go from next to nothing to completely nothing. True to form, Mrs. Green was the deciding factor and I knew the second I laid eyes on her that night that nothing was going to happen between all of us. Mr. Green and I watched it flicker away despite our efforts and chemistry, and the kiss he gave me on the corner of my mouth was a sweet farewell.
I’m still looking for something more with TN. More commitment, more spice, more sex, more partners, more everything. Without it all, it’s easy to keep wanting it.