My Domme skills need work. Or do they?

I had a dream last night that basically epitomized my feelings about being a Domme to The Neighbor: I’m a hack.

I was somehow partnered with a pixie-haired blonde girl, lithe and curvy with little breasts and a sweet, flowy energy.  There were two men with us, TN and her man and they were both eager to please.  I was awkward and weird where she was sure and innovative.

In my silences she gave them tasks to do and I watched somewhat horrified as my guy did as he was told BY SOMEONE ELSE.

She was encouraging me to engage, but I couldn’t, I felt like I was at a dance and they all knew the steps, but I didn’t.

TN was sweet and kept looking to me expectantly, but I kept hiding inside myself.  They kept going without me.  I was alone with my dick in my hand, feeling silly and horrible.

I don’t think TN really feels this way about me — thank God — but it’s enough that I do.

Lately, life has put the brakes on our libidos and the quantity and quality of the sex has gone down slightly (it hurts to write that, by the way, but I will avoid any self flagellation for now).

We still talk and see each other every night and day, cuddle and kiss and I stroke his big hardon and he suckles my breasts, but for some reason 10 o’clock at night no longer calls to me rise up.  Instead, my body yearns to shut off and I answer the call.

I do my best, though, and if I look at it objectively (and more kindly) I dominate him considerably through a multitude of non-sexual ways: my tone of voice, my requests (aka demands), my moods, and my needs.

And the magical, impossible, ridiculous thing of it is: HE COMPLIES.

He complies and he yields and he bends and he offers.  Always.  He never says NO.

To be fair, I think I’m fair.  Rules to follow include things like not teasing me about my age in a disparaging way (he may tease, of course, but I better not feel like it’s a dig); he is to kiss me before leaving the house; he is to do any favor I ask of him no matter how big or small (how many boxes of Topo Chico has that man lugged up 3 flights of stairs in 2 years is beyond me); he is to wear panties when he vacuums for me; and more recently, he is not to masturbate or cum without my presence.

In the absence of physical, sexual play, these little rules are what connects our dots.

Dumb Domme made an incredible list of her House Rules recently and it brought a tear to my eye; and Kink in Exile and Ferns have also both written about rules and their relationships to them.

What I’ve taken away from all of this is that it’s whatever fits the couple.  It’s sorta like how a therapist is trained: they learn the theories and how they work and then they personalize the exchange for each client.  We all take what we know about consent, D/s, power and play, and make them into our own.  It’s a hodgepodge of rules and limits and we gotta take what we can get.

I don’t know whether or not I’m actually dominating him in his eyes, but I know I’m trying in mine.  Perhaps he’s so wired to submit he doesn’t even realize it.  Can that even happen?  Or does he know on some level that I am always exerting myself over him?

My dream denoted my worst fears — that I’m a goddamned stupid idiot who doesn’t know what she’s doing — but I guess I can take that as a positive: I don’t want to be around anyone who thinks they know what they’re doing and that includes me.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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22 thoughts on “My Domme skills need work. Or do they?
  1. I would venture to guess that your honesty keeps him – and you in a real experience. He hasn’t tried to get away dear Hy as in the beginning… I think that’s a good sign and reality. (omg, remember those days – let’s not) love, Jayne P.S. He has you in all kinds of wyas other than sexually and all I can say is he’s one lucky bastard, right?

  2. To dominate another is to set rules, boundaries, limits and then find pleasure in following them. There is no right or wrong, but a way for you to connect. When he wakes up hard in the morning he knows the orgasm is yours to give or withold. When he dresses for you before housework, he is yours. It’s a relationship that builds on thinking of each other and feeling close at those moments.

  3. You ask if he can be submitting without knowing it. The answer to that is yes, he can. I did it, without knowing, in every relationship I had until I met Mistress Delila. It’s one reason why I’m divorced twice. With Her, it is the basis of what we have.

  4. I read about your doubt and, while mine isn’t the same, the tone is similar to the doubt I’ve felt. Being good enough, maybe? Everyone always views us differently than we view ourselves. At this point in your relationship, I feel like TN sticks around for a lot of really good reasons

    1. Thanks, Cara. I told TN about my dream last night and he just laughed. My insecurities, when out in the daylight, really seem trite. Dream Hy apologized to Dream TN for being a let down and he forgave me lol. That’s all I really needed, I suppose. Just a little reinforcement that I’m actually not what I fear I am.

  5. “What I’ve taken away from all of this is that it’s whatever fits the couple.”

    Absolutely this. Looking around at what other people are doing can be useful for the simple value of other perspectives and ideas, but I think it can also bring down a bunch of comparative bullshit that isn’t productive (especially if you are feeling a little shaky or insecure). And of course as we’ve talked about before: what’s presented in public is only ever a tiny slice of the complex whole.

    I know (for example) that I sometimes sound like some hard arse domly dom dom, but I try and balance it out with truths about my own vulnerabilities and insecurities, and the fact is that I am *always* calibrating what I am doing against the effect on him and us because otherwise I’m not going to create a happy environment. And in any relationship, isn’t THAT the goal? And it sounds to me like you are achieving that very well.

    I really liked the comment above that the pixie-haired blonde was you. That seems right *smile*.


    1. Ferns! I always love your comments because you use words like “domly dom dom”. And they’re also pretty smart haha. But seriously, you’re right! Comparing ourselves to others is only going to confuse the issue of: Are you both happy with what you’re doing? Cuz, really, that’s the only thing that matters in the end.

      Maybe you’re a Domme who lets her sub pick a punishment. Some Dommes would abhor that. Maybe you’re a Domme who doesn’t even believe in punishments, just rewards! Or you’re a Dom who spanks no matter what for everything, or you’re one who never does. It doesn’t fucking matter!

      It’s whatever plugs in to the both of you. I’ve never dominated another man before, but it will be interesting to see how I change with my next partner (whenever that happens). Have you noticed big changes in how you calibrate??

      1. “Have you noticed big changes in how you calibrate??”

        Absolutely. I’ve changed over the years, plus every partner is completely different, so every relationship starts from scratch in terms of learning what works for us, so each one is unique. That’s part of the scary new exciting fun!


  6. If he identifies as submissive, he knows he’s submitting. That much I’m sure of…and he complies because he wants to, because it’s you, because it fulfills something in him, maybe all of the above.

    Sometimes, all you have in D/s are the rules, because the rest has to take a back seat…it’s still D/s… :)

  7. Your dreams lie. You’re one of the most brilliant people I know. : ) And I’ve been in rooms with you. And my dear friend, you are always the one orchestrating the dance. And it’s a beautiful dance. One we love to follow along to.


  8. “In the absence of physical, sexual play, these little rules are what connects our dots.”
    You are so right,and I was nodding my head yes as I read this. These rules you have between you two is what connects you and reminds you that you are each others. It is important in any relationship but I think when you are in a long distance one is even more important due to lack of connection. Also, I agree with Advizor54’s comment.

    We all have doubts at times and I think that is normal and it makes us better D’s and s. The thing is not to let those doubts grow, fester and hurt your relationship. Seems to me you are doing a great job. Look how much you and TN have grown. :-)

    1. God, I can’t imagine doing a long distance relationship again. I did a couple in my 20s and they were such pains in the ass! I’m lucky I live next door to my love; best of both worlds: living alone and easy access! But I can totally see how rules are what help a situation like that especially since it helps the opposite.

      TN and I have really grown :) It feels awesome. xx Hy

      1. Long distance at times is no fun… I never expected to fall in love with him… But I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. :-)

        You two have a good thing going. :-)
        I am happy for you both.

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