I write a letter to The Neighbor.

The morning after.

Dearest TN,

Last night was what I needed though I didn’t want it.  Not at first.

All I wanted was your company on the cold balcony while I dragged on my sad little cigarette and drank out of my fishbowl wine glass.  My heart hurt and I was bereft that my ex is making poor decisions, fast decisions, but you sat with me and listened.

And when I cried because I was a raw nerve you held my hand and told me you were sorry and you stuck up for me like the Polish bulldog you are, your Irish heart pure and bold.

I was mush, but you turned me into putty.

You led me to my bed and you lay with me, stroked me and giggled with me.  I felt heavy and then I felt light.  Your flaccid cock came alive in my hand, large and stiff, and when you loomed over me in the candlelight I was skeptical that I was even there with you, it was another woman, someone else.

But then you punctured me, huge and taut, and began to move.

I’ve never felt you quite like that before and my body only just accommodated you. And then it became slippery, but I was still only barely letting you fit.  Every thrust, every move I felt our skin touch and my heart began to beat with our movements.  I was stretched apart by you.

You kissed me then and I kissed you back.  I arched my back and gripped the bars of my bed for purchase, for mercy.  You gave me none and bore into me and glared into my weeping face, sad and lovely, at home and so alone.  But you were there.  Big.

I clung to you, your wildly pumping buttocks, and you dumped yourself into me.  I was sobbing at this point, my heart broken into so many pieces then shattered into infinitely more by you, your love, your resistance, your everything.

You kept at me, ignoring my sobs, turned on by them, I suspect.  I felt exposed and vulnerable, unworthy and like a fraud.  Happy.  I was out of control.

“I’m going to cum again,” you said through gritted teeth, but I couldn’t take another stroke.  I had died so many times.  La petite mort and all that.

But you started up inside me again and I melted and wheezed my love into your ear, silently and coded.  Your powerful thighs flexed between my soft and gripping ones and I rolled my eyes into the back of my head to see my heart slip out behind.

Mercy came then when you chose to roll off of me.  It wasn’t going to happen for you that way.  I squirmed and writhed and tears streamed down my face as I gulped in ugly breaths of air and turned my cheek to you and watched your hand become an arc on your hard cock.

Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap, said your hand.

Unnnnhhhh, ahhhhhhh, ooooooh, said your mouth.

And then you jerked and flexed and creamy bright globs spurted out on your furry abdomen.  I stared slack-jawed and drooling for a moment, dipped my head and licked the tip of your cock as if it were fairy dust.  It was my way of punctuating your beautiful, dirty solo act.  Yum, yum.

The magic your body bears on mine is unequivocal in my universe.  I’ve never known such beauty before with another human.  It is a symphony of luck and love.

You are a balm on my aching heart and my racing mind.  You heal me in places no one else can possibly reach because your cock happens to be a magic fucking wand and not everyone runs around with one of those between their legs.  Who knew that when I decided to shove my hand down your pants in a drunken pass almost exactly 2 years ago?

But of course you’re so much more than just the sex we share.  You are terrifyingly smart and weird and loyal; you don’t like any of the foods I love so much, but yet we still manage to make eating a sinful delight between us; you don’t like anyone, but you like me… a lot; you demand alone time, but give me none preferring to a cuddle to solitude every time; you are thirsty for wisdom and I can see your impatience with “catching up” to me, yet you have your own special 29 year old knowledge I could never have; you like to fuck with your socks on and have an amazing non-relationship with clothing in general; you are generous and kind, witty and utterly likeable.

How lucky are we that we both landed in this apartment complex, in this city, in this state, and all next door to one another??

I don’t know what the future holds for us when I move out in March, but what I do know is that I will always have memories like that of last night to keep me warm when we are apart.

All this to say: I’m hoping I’ll muster the courage to tell you I love you this weekend.  We both deserve to hear it, though, I am petrified.

And please, god, don’t let it be a mistake to finally lift the veil of denial from us. Please…

We’ll see what Monday brings.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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82 thoughts on “I write a letter to The Neighbor.
  1. Oh girl…. what a wonderful post… Your words bring so many feelings.
    I hope you can tell him you love him…
    What a wonderful gift that would be.

          1. Oh no!! So sorry for you! But if you’re really intent on telling him, then just ask for a sign when the moment is right to share. You will know when the time is right for both of you. Good luck. Bises

  2. i’m sure all of your girlfriends will make all the comments you need and want to hear. so, i’ll add just one thing that i’m sure they wont say. i like those little blue panties. they’re cute, like you. :P

      1. I’ll keep all my other comments for below, but I have to agree with diirrty : those pants look great on you. Or shall I say it differently? This pic of you is awesome!

  3. Only you can know for sure, but I strongly suspect that you will always regret it if you do not tell him you love him. Soon. Very soon. Especially as you are moving out in a few months. Be strong. Love is a precious gift. Tell him. He deserves to hear it – you deserve/need to let it out. As ever, we wish you well.

  4. I hope you do too Hy…..you’ve come so far…together…this is such a beautiful post….thank you for giving so much of yourself….

  5. Heart breaking.
    And horny as hell.
    (And though it seems a little inappropriate, in the context, forgive me if I say you have no idea how much that picture makes me want to bury my face between your thighs and lick till my jaw aches.)

  6. I know I’m just a conservative old fool. I would go for it. But with small steps. Maybe not with your usual 1000 miles an hour straight on force. We don’t want to scare anyone away.


  7. What an amazing gift you are about to give him, and yourself. I wish you two all the best, and you will certainly be in my thoughts this weekend!

  8. I read this and thought I have to write you something. First, I loved the post, both hot and soulful. And then I have to say : dare. Tell him, before your move makes it more difficult. As Silverdom says, if you don’t, you’ll probably regret not saying anything.
    And I really need to hear a happy love story right now, so I’m sending you all the good vibes I can muster and hope you can say it.
    I think, in your heart of hearts, you must know how he feels too. I can feel those vibrations just reading your blog, how he treats you and makes you feel. So just go girl, take that leap of faith.

    1. Ahhh, Dawn! But I must have the courage to share with zero hope if reciprocation, even though I *know* he loves me, too. I don’t know if I’m that strong!

      1. Yes, you have to choose between having the courage to share this with zero hope of reciprocation, or the courage to not speak up and live with possible remorse all your life. One way, you might think there is zero hope of reciprocation, but are not sure, because you can feel what he feels for you. The other, you hold onto status quo, and know you might very well lose it all in a few months’ time… Either way requires a lot of courage, one way has a chance of living a better life… I would not hesitate :-)

  9. Long-time reader, first-time commenter…

    Like everyone else, I think you should tell him. There’s something else I think you should tell him soon, maybe not in the same conversation. You should tell him about your blog.

    He’ll find it eventually, you know. The longer it remains a secret, the greater the sense of betrayal when the secret ends. I say this with only respect and best wishes for you.

    1. Thanks, 007, for de-lurking :). And may I ask, do you speak from experience?

      It should also be said that I absolutely, 100% agree. I’ll tell him some day and hopefully he won’t leave me.

  10. No, no direct experience. I’ve just been astonished for some time that he hasn’t found it yet. Much better to hear it from you than to find it on his own.

    1. And I agree about that too, as well as with the “not in the same conversation” bit. If your story ends ,which is what scares you enough to consider not revealing your feelings, then there will be no need to tell him right away. If it doesn’t, then there will be time to tell him soon enough. He knows what your lifestyle was before you met, even at the beginning of your relationship. So he probably won’t be TOO surprised.
      Good luck with it all. XO

  11. “…not everyone runs around with one of those between their legs.” – you are a lucky girl! But he is even luckier to have you. I think it is in knowing you give yourself completely, regardless of what you get (or dont get) in return that will make it easier. Good luck!

  12. “..because your cock happens to be a magic fucking wand and not everyone runs around with one of those between their legs.” – sad truth :) you are lucky and yet he is even luckier to have you. I am guessing that it is in knowing you give him your love completely without regard for what you may get (or not get) in return that will make the declaration easier. Good luck! Hugs!

    1. Thank you so much!

      My lease is up end of March, but I’ll be staying in the neighborhood. Who knows what this will mean? Most likely that we’ll have to make an effort for a change ;)

      1. Well, at least it good if you’re not moving too far. Making an effort might be nice too… I want to write good luck again, but feel like I’ve already said it a dozen times. X

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