I feel a little empty.

I look robust.

Stress about money has reached another fever pitch. The move, solvency in general — I feel so fucked. Add allergies, my exhusband, my fear of what my life will be like not living next door to The Neighbor anymore, and the stinging, always there guilt I feel about my secret sex blog and you get a raisin of a woman, not a plump and glistening grape.

I’m also tired. Tired and empty.

TN fucked me to tears on Friday. He was a fiend. I’d spent some time with a girlfriend and come home early. He was ready and waiting for me as I climbed the 40 steps up.

It was different this time, though, only the third coupling since our I LOVE YOUs. We didn’t mean to fuck, it just happened.

I pet his soft pile of flesh absentmindedly while we cuddled. It grew long, hot and hard, and suddenly a switch was flipped. He was going to have me.

And so I let him.

He kissed and nipped and I grabbed and moaned. Ankles on shoulders, one leg up, one down. Orgasms streamed through me and poured out of my face in the hot tears and sobs that burst forth.

No Hitachi made me cry like that. Just him.

We lay and cuddled and talked about our fears, going in circles. “If it sucks, then we’ll stop, because if it sucks, we’ll stop.” In my defense, I was barely coherent.

Can’t stop the world turning or sands through the hourglass and all that.

As for money, I need to find the old lady strip joint and grab a shift. Seriously. I’ve worked hard over the last year and made massive strides in getting my career going, but it’s like slogging through knee-high mud.

TN is always reminding me that a year ago I was making basically $0 and today I make a lot more than that, but it’s still not good enough. And I’m back to feeling like a raisin.

I wish I felt as good as I look in these pics.



A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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43 thoughts on “I feel a little empty.
  1. I guess I’m way behind on my reading because i didn’t know you are moving (moved?). Everything finds a way to work out (empty platitude #1). Being away from TN will be tough at first, but gives you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship by putting more conscious effort in to it. There may be a silver lining.

    As for the old lady strip club, let me know when you get your shift. I’ll bring my walker and my old Eisenhower dollars and we’ll make it rain

    1. Lol I’ll let you know for sure! Us old folks need to stick together!

      And I haven’t mentioned it too much, but, yeah. I’m moving the end if March. Peyton has requested a yard and I hate the new management here. Oh, and they’re raising my rent $200/mo.

      1. You will love having a yard. I moved to a house wth a yard a few years ago and it’s such a stress reliever to sit outside and soak up some sun, even if it’s just a little patch of light. And, if the walls are high enough then summertime yard sex is the very best.

        Payton will love it too. Kids need to be outside. You’re making a good space for him.

          1. HA HA HA.. I wrote that an immediately wondered why I chose “he”, maybe because Payton Manning rocked the house on Sunday? I will refer to the child as She/He/Her/Him/It/They/Theym in future notes, or, SHHHITT.

            Both boys and girls like yards. I don’t want PETA all up in arms.

          1. Oh wow, I didn’t know that. You’ve made my week. And for the avoidance of any doubt; you definitely impress me. Not just physically but the way you write too.

  2. I always wish I had something encouraging to say when I read posts like this. Platitudes suck and I feel silly extending them. So, I guess I’ll say I hope you get to have more plump moments in the future.

  3. I wish I had words of wisdom that automatically makes fear go away. Too bad we live in the real world, right? Here’s to being fucked until you cry and petting…sometimes its the little (er, plump) things that get you through…((HUGS))

  4. Oh, Hy! Reading all this makes my heart heavy for you. As the others, I wish I could offer more comfort than those platitudes. But all I can give you is my empathy and virtual hugs.
    I understand how money can have a big impact on all the rest. Like me, you’re going through many changes in little time. Sad, empty times are normal. It takes time and energy to sort through all those emotions, not to mention all the very practical side of it all. I have high hope that you too will find better days are just around the corner.
    All this said, I want to thank you again for all the time and energy you put into Boobday. They are in short supply for you at the moment, and I really appreciate you taking them to put it together for us. You know how helpful it is to me. But if you needed to focus on more practical, more important things for you for a while, though I (and numerous others I’m sure) would miss it, I would completely understand.
    Wishing you happier, fuller days in the near future.


    1. Aw, thanks Dawn. Your words are very kind. And I can say all the same to you. This money thing just sucks ass. I’m so tired of not having any! It’s just me complaining :)

      Re: Boobday, it’s a real labor of love. I’m so happy it’s connected with so many. I think it’s extremely important. xx Hy

      1. Well, thank you for your labor of love.
        I agree it’s important, but maybe not as much as your well-being or that of Peyton !
        I can relate with not having money, as I don’t know where I stand at the moment. But for me, there is relief coming, hopefully soon, as we agree on how much I’ll get for an allowance. For now, it’s all a bit unknown, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Though I’ve been able to not let it get to me… I don’t know for how long…
        BIG hug

        1. Yeah, had I lived in CA like we were planning I would have gotten alimony and I’d be financially secure right now, my savings nice and fat, not dwindling. Makes me sick to think about it, so I try not to. Staying home with Peyton was wonderful, but I royally fucked myself career wise.

          1. You’re talking to someone who stayed ‘home’ with the kids for the better part of 16 years…
            Though I did work every where we lived, it was only part time (so not recognized by husband or society), and I had to reinvent my ‘career’ every few years.
            Somehow, I managed to secure a job here, in our new location, as soon as I was looking for one. Because somehow, my work experiences added up nicely and helped me secure a job, which enabled me to leave the marital house.
            I don’t remember who wrote that comment, but these things DO tend to sort themselves out, I’m living proof of it too.
            Though I have no idea of the current state of my finances, which makes it all a bit scary (meeting with the banker schefuled for next week…). But I intend to fight for every penny I’m allowed to get. Not in the ‘gold-digger’ kind of way, but in the ‘what I did all those years was valuable. I want compensation for that’ kind of way.
            Hang in there. What you did for your child is invaluable.
            Rosier days are just around the corner. For both of us.

  5. Sorry to hear you are going thru some things. Glad you have someone there too talk to about them. I know how you feel I too just went thru a big move and had to start over again to turn around and have to move again because the place I was in were tearing down their property. So I had to bust ass and save up money fast. I too at times get scared about having a blog up but then I get over it. If you want some help I know there are strip clubs out there but camming is a way to go. I do some camming and it keeps ends meeting so I make it by. Plus I am at home and don’t have to worry about anything. kikamystik@yahoo.com is my email if interested.

  6. Those are really nice photos, plump and full of life and love…I know this will pass but it doesn’t help to say in the moment. If I had money I would share with you. Sorry friend, hope your money flow begins soon.

  7. Dear Hy, you are not alone!
    Money woes are a bitch! I have a very irregular income source, so no matter how glorious one week, or month, is, two weeks later we are back to wondering how the bills will get paid. So trust me, I DO understand the stress.
    The real problem, for me at least, is that the stress accumulates. And it makes it that much harder for me to achieve that “flow’ that lets me operate at my best.
    I know this will sound trite, but meditation and focus on the positive things, be they small ones, has helped me to survive.
    Just remember the many people who have responded here. You are loved.
    (And totally lusted after, but that is a different thing.)

    1. It’s similar for me, but now I’m faced saving a deposit. I’m considering moving in with my folks for a month to save it instead of dipping into my savings. We’ll see.

      And meditation isn’t trite! I think the recent stress of money coupled with feeling ill pushed me over the edge yesterday — hence the woe is me post. And thanks for the love. It’s much appreciated!

  8. How far are you moving? Too much to not still interact with TN, albeit not across the way? Other than the move (which WILL make things better) and money (which WILL get better after the move), the other trivial things cannot possibly consume your ripe, vivacious ‘plumpness.’ Allergies are and will be…no matter where or when…they too run in our family and are a sucky fact of life, but surely not worthy of being despondent. Your ‘ex’ is (and should be) just that…you yourself a few posts back said you were over him, so why dwell on the irretrievable past? This move and your future WILL bring bigger and better things in your life. Anticipate it, and expect it.
    You are WAY TOO DESERVING to sell yourself so short. Rise up and embrace life. Your life!

    1. I’m staying in town and TN and I are staying together, but it will be a massive change in our dynamic and really challenge us. I have no idea if we’ll be up for it, but we’re going to try.

      To the rest, the allergies really are that bad (and actually, I may have bronchitis) — the entire city is in chaos because of them; I am not hung up on my ex, but our current relationship is in shambles due to some poor decisions on his part and it’s painful and infuriating — I’m working on getting through it.

      No money, bad health, a significant change to my relationship, and major stress over my old one = feeling like royal shit for a spell. I know it’ll pass. That post was a snapshot, as are most of them. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in trying to get me back on track, but don’t worry. I’m not stuck!

    1. Good god, I have heaps of guilt and have for a very long while. It is a betrayal, but I am not yet ready to let it go. How would you feel to discover a blog all about your sex life written from only your lover’s perspective which also reveals extremely intimate details about your proclivities?

      A while ago I removed all images of him and removed details of things we’ve done to better hide his identity, but he’d have every right to break up with me and be furious anyway.

      I get lots of advice on this; most of my readers are split right down the middle.

  9. Wish I had something to say to you that could automatically make you feel better. But unfortunately I dont, all I can say is I feel for you. As Iv followed your journey through the blog I hope or all the best for you. :-)

  10. You look wonderful in your pictures, but I can sympathize with how you are feeling, having been in a similar financial position myself in the past. How you are feeling is valid, but never stop believing that as long as you keep on trying and do your best, better days are coming. And often when you least expect it… the day comes when it all turns around for you, and everything is much better.

    I’m not just mouthing platitudes, but speaking from my own personal experience. I wish for you to have a similar experience.

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