I’ve blown my wad. I’m totally exposed.

Metaphorically speaking I’m covered in jizz.  I’ve exposed my heart and pushed the game into sudden-death overtime.  Or at least that’s what it feels like.

When I told him I loved him after Christmas last year I shared it in that selfish way the guilty do when they confess: it was eating me up inside to not tell him.  What if something happened to one of us and I’d never let those words fall on his ears?  I couldn’t live with myself.  I can keep a [very] modestly popular blog about our sex life secret, but not my feelings.  Even I have my limits.

What I didn’t expect, truly, was how it would catapult us into a different relationship, a new color.  We are openly loving and growing more so every day.  My thinking is different somehow, softer.   But he knew, which is why he deliberately kept his feelings from me.

When I pressed him for answers — incredulous that he had known since the moment I broke up with him days before our awful 4 am girl debacle that he was in love with me — about how he could live with himself if something had happened to me and I’d  died without truly knowing his feelings he’d said he would have hated himself, yes, but he’d have lived.

The literalness of his thinking knows no bounds, Internet Boyfriend.  Of course he’d have survived, but would there have been regret?  The answer, thankfully, was yes.

So imagine my surprise to be on this fast track to full-blooded relationship just because we’ve admitted our love to one another.  I thought his reluctance would pretty much keep us in a holding pattern forever and while it’s definitely still there, it’s also vastly reduced to the point which I am wondering if this is all a good idea, is it really sustainable?  Are we real if he’s not resisting?

My move away will be the test.  We will have to make an effort to see one another, overnights will become a necessity not a treat, he will have to be flexible when now he’s as stiff as a board.  Will we manage it?

I want to say yes because we love each other, but I know better than most that love doesn’t conquer all.  Granted, The Neighbor and I seem to have a pretty solid base, but there’s still things I worry about: his lack of friends or desire for them, his reclusiveness, the fact that he’d have been “ok” letting me die having never known he loved me.  What the ever loving fuck.

And this is all related to having had a sexless marriage.  He’s similar to my exhusband in all the ways I just listed.  Apparently, I have a “type.”  The definition of a sexless marriage is generally agreed upon by experts to be having sex 10 or less times in a year.  If I remember correctly, I managed to get my ex to fuck me roughly every 6 weeks.  Sometimes every 4, if I was lucky. For basically 6 years.

I never want that to happen to me again because it is a dark and ugly place to be and the closer I become to TN the more afraid I am of us morphing into something I don’t recognize like what happened to me before.  I made one bad decision after another when I met my ex 10 years ago.  Am I still making them?

I go through the list: TN and I match up in so many ways in which my exhusband and I didn’t.  He’s always kind to me, he accepts me the way I am, he appreciates my looks, my body, and my sex drive, and he’s not once been overwhelmed by my exuberance for life, friends, family and the world like my ex was continually.  He is, quite literally, the freshest breath of air I’ve had in years.

All this to say in a backwards, convoluted way: I feel loved, y’all.

Fucking loved and seen and wanted and loved again. I feel things with TN I’ve never felt before and I am like a heroine addict.  It must never end or I may die in an explosion of cocks and balls and salty tears on strange pillows.  I have never dared to love like this before and now I get to experience [an almost] constant fear of loss.  It’s not unlike being a parent and feeling instantly bereft at the thought of something happening to your baby, yet knowing you have utterly no control over their fate or yours.   I am an exposed nerve.

So, there you have it.  I’m covered in jizz.  I’m all over the place.  I’m filled to the brim with gooey love and terrified of a future that either mirrors what I left or one that doesn’t exist at all.

I wish I had a jizz picture for you.  That’d be so much better.


[Ed. Note: What’s really interesting about this post is that the “I’ve blown my wad” title was going to refer to me showing you my LOOSE Boobday picture two days earlier because I couldn’t wait to share it.  Funny how the brain works.]


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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29 thoughts on “I’ve blown my wad. I’m totally exposed.
  1. I just love you Hy. You go balls out or you don’t go. Sorry, The crude reaction popped up before the completely impressed and admiring comment. You know what, I think it’s possible to have what you want and maybe it will work out in the best way. You may have to work at it but damn, great sex is your prize. You know the other end to that equation so you can’t lose even if you do part sometime. I would say you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. love, J

    1. Good lord, woman, don’t apologize! I’m the crudest motherfucker I know! Anyway, yes, great sex is the prize. It’s a priority for the both of us and we both agree that it’s our gauge: if the sex drops off then we know something is wrong (historically it’s been due to illness) and we focus on it and reconnect as best we can. And I do have something to lose (my heart), but I guess you could say I’m willing to take the risk. We all gotta be willing to risk. xx Hy

      1. The heart is always at risk – might as well put it on a damn pole and carry it around like a flag! It’s going forth, knowing that all the while, that makes life juicy. I guess it’s the realization that there is no forever – only today that makes the risk seem like just another factor of many but the love and connection always outweigh it to me… I say calmly as I am not risking anything right now : )

  2. A fear of loss is, in my experience, a part of the first rush of being in love. Which you guys kind are, having only recently admitted your feeling for each other. It never really goes away, not completely, but it does ease. I am 12 years older than Silverdrop, and the fear of either of us being alone after the death of the other (impossible for either of us to think of any other way we’d be separated), is something that scares us both, deep down, aching scared. But we don’t dwell on it.

    We neither of us believe in suicide except in fatal-illness-in-massive-pain or similar circumstances. But you know what? Watch us prove that it is possible to die of a broken heart if we don’t die together.

    Sorry, that just poured out from the heart. Maybe I just made things worse – hope not.

    1. I’ve noticed that with me, my fear of loss is proportional to how much I love and it doesn’t matter at what point in the relationship it may be. Loving means not wanting it to end. I can’t think of any other way to phrase it.

      I’m 9 years older than TN, so I think about mortality occasionally, too, though we’re both still relatively young (38 and 29), but I hear you. However, if I died before TN I would most definitely want him to find a new love and life. If he died of a broken heart, I’d kill him ;) I want him to soar after me.

      And don’t apologize, SD. Thank you for sharing! I love your take on things :) xx Hy

      1. Ah, I am 53, Silverdrop will be 42 in a few days. I would want her to soar if I go before her. But I literally (and I am using the word in its correct sense) cannot imagine life without her. When I try, all I can see is a never-ending abyss, accompanied by a wave of emotional pain so intense it is almost crippling. And you know what they say: If you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss stares back. I used to think that was a silly one, but since finding Silverdrop 12 years ago, I understand it completely.

        Despite all that, we have made wills, discussed funerals, organ donation etc. and have that all in hand.

        But the fact remains, and I do not mean to sound melodramatic, that I think I would die from a broken heart without her. In fact, there is a lump in my throat and the threat of tears just from writing that.

        So let’s assume I put my life back together if she died. What future partner(s) would settle for knowing they were second best?

        I think I should shut up now – I’m beginning to sound like I’m clinically depressed, which I’m not.

        I wish you well, as always.

  3. Wow, wow, wow! I’m speechless….
    Can’t wait for boobday, though I’m stuck for ideas, loose what? Bahahaha!

    1. Hehe “speechless” or “bored”? I constantly worry that I’m boring everyone with my “I’m so happy!” posts. SRSLY.

      And LOOSE everything and anything! So far I’ve received loose breasts, loose attitudes, loose hair (and tits), loose shirts, and probably others I can’t remember. It’s been by far the most creative theme yet!

  4. yay! scary stuff and yet so exhilarating if it doesn’t kill you first. i like what brene brown has to say about vulnerability and it’s ties to love etc…

    “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

    Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

    Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
    ― Brené Brown,

    looking forward to more of your travels!

      1. I freaking LOVE Brené Brown. She changed my life.

        Hy – you’re doing FINE. Quit worrying about boring us with happy. If we were only here for the train wrecks, what kind of Internet Boyfriend would we be? A pretty shitty one. xo

  5. Well, you know I root for you right?! I’m so happy to hear that your relationship is progressing faster than you expected. Yes, that can be scary, but on the other hand, it’s the only way to know whether it’s the right way to go. Plus, you have the previous experience. And you’re aware of its shortfalls. So you’ll know what to look out for if you feel you’re going back in the same direction. I say enjoy the jizz, and the rest :-)

    1. Thanks, Dawn, and I root for you, too! It just feels so weird that things seem to be driving themselves now. I’m so used to always pushing for more, so it’s weird to feel myself hanging back a little. xx Hy

  6. Love, is a many spendored thing, but it’s also maddening and scary and burdensome and wonderful. Admitting that you love each other, that you share this madness, will bring you together if you let it or turn to obsession and tear you apart. I am sure you are strong enough to make it go your way.

  7. How could it be the same as what you had in the past if you now know what you had? Yes, there is the possibility of falling into the same trap… doubtful, but possible. The thing is though, now you know. You’ve been there once and you rose from the ashes, hopefully never to be burned again. Or perhaps you are the phoenix, and it was the fire that gave you life and The Neighbor that helped you to spread your wings. Enjoy your love, you deserve it! xo

  8. ((HUGS)) I have always loved being your Internet Boyfriend, and I was definitely one of the ones who wanted to punch TN when he was stupid. I’m glad that you’ve both admitted your feelings and I am hopeful for you both in the move. As one of your myriad IBFs, I am here for you no matter what…but I want only good things for you (and TN, if he can keep being smart about this.). XOXO

    1. Did I already respond to this?? WP is so weird sometimes! >> Anyway, I’m lucky to have had you around for so long and sticking with me and TN for our roller coaster ride; you definitely weren’t alone in wanting to punch him! I think I may have been first in line back then :) xx Hy

  9. I really liked this post. I have to point out two things which made me giggle: that you are a “heroine” addict, which you certainly are, conquering and rescuing and such while we the readers root for you… and that you got your ex to to “fuck me roughly” every 6 weeks. I was thinking, geez, Hy, a little variation here and there is a good thing, gentle and sweet can be nice; how often do you want to be fucked roughly?

    All wordplay aside, good for you for going after what you want!

    1. Hahaha I would have LOVED to have been fucked roughly every 6 weeks (though, that still isn’t enough for me, it’d have been certainly welcomed!). Also, nice word play! I didn’t even see those!

  10. Oh yay! I’m so happy for you, and I don’t mind in the least bit some “it’s working out” blogs. We don’t need drama as readers to stay interested, or at least I don’t. :)

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