I don’t know how to be happy.


I blinked in the sunlight that streamed through my windows and stretched like the cat who lay on my pillow purring like a crazed motorboat.  He’ll be here soon, I thought, and as if on cue, I heard the front door open and close and the cat tore off to greet our visitor.

“Good morning, TN!” I called.

“Good morning, Hyacinth!” he called back.

I fixed  my eyes on the doorway and let him fill my view as he sauntered in, sheet marks pressed into his skin and his eyes puffy, but his cock enormous and jutting out against his shiny black basketball shorts.

I giggled at the image of his exhaustion mingled with a giant erection.

He walked up to the side of the bed and pulled himself free of his shorts, his taut, pink skin a slightly curved appendage for my viewing pleasure.

I wrapped my hand around it.  “Mmm,” I said and stood up.  “I have to pee.  I’ll be right back!”

When I came back out he pushed me roughly down onto the bed and licked his hand.  “I doubt I needed to do this.  Hmm, let’s see.  Could Hyacinth be wet already?”

“It’s possible,” I answered looking up at him.  “You wake up with that monster between your legs everyday.  I happen to wake up wet everyday.”  He pushed at my opening and sure enough he slid right in.

We moved together in the sunlight, carefully avoiding each other’s morning breath and hugged and humped and clutched and climaxed.  He pinned my legs onto his shoulders and moved until I was begging him to stop and then with a puffy-eyed grin kept going.

We were done relatively quickly, it being the morning and all.  He gently removed himself from me and lay beside me.  “Hang on,” I said and rolled over and grabbed my phone, something I’d done alone for so long.

I began taking pictures of us freshly post-coital.  It felt intimate and odd, like a salty candy that gives you two flavors at once.

He left shortly after to go to work and I smiled, stupidly happy.

And then I realized how uncomfortable I am with happiness and how I am doing my best to destroy what little peace I’ve finally managed to accomplish with him: I suggested that he fuck other women. 

The night I came up with this grand plan I had just met his parents.  Over the course of roughly 4 and a half hours I’d had a glass of white wine while getting dressed, a glass of Prosecco before dinner, and a glass of Rosé with my scallops, but when I’d suggested it to him he seriously wondered if I were drunk.

“I trust you, TN, I really do.  And I’m proud of you and I think you’re amazing in bed.  I want you to be able to go out and have fun.”

He just looked at me, dumbfounded as I blithely continued.  “No, really.  I’m so happy with you, I want you to be happy, too.”

“Ok…” he said, incredulous.  “But why the change of heart?  You’ve never felt this way before.”

“It’s because you told me you loved me and I feel safe with you, content.  I really feel like I could handle it.”

I’d dozed off then on his warm, furry chest and forgotten all about it.  But he hadn’t.

The following day he brought it up again.  “So, what you said the other night.  Do you still mean it?  Or were you just drunk?”

It all came rushing back to me: the warm glow of acceptance, the sense of safety, this ridiculous drive to prove I were invincibly in love with him.  What.the.fuck.  But I was too embarrassed to back out.  “No, really, I do,” I replied and then began that weird dance that people in open relationships do wherein they try to think of every possible thing they can’t handle: no two dates with the same woman, no threesomes without me, no lies, everything has to be transparent to me.  Then, of course I asked if he’d care if I slept around.

He was thoughtful, then said he’d be ok with me and another couple, but not with another man.  I told him I couldn’t imagine fucking another man anyway, I already had my unicorn firmly in my grasp.  He’d smiled at that and then I felt a twinge of something, like a tiny splinter: why would he want to fuck another woman? aren’t I good enough? the best?  And that’s when I knew I was full of shit and actively trying to sabotage my own happiness.

The next night, after the sweet, yet brief morning love session, I came to him with hat in hand, sheepish and utterly embarrassed.  “You’re right, TN.  I can’t handle it.  I think I’m just really uncomfortable with how happy I am.  I mean, look, we’ve only been this kind of happy for 3 months and I’m already looking to inject it with chaos.”

He pulled me into his nook and stroked my arm.  “I thought so,” he said.  “Besides, I’m not a player.  I’m really not that interested in opening this up.”

I’m almost 40 years old and this is a humiliating moment for me.  I left a marriage that was safe, yet passionless, and embarked on a wild year or two of no safety whatsoever, but chocked full of passion.  I manage to cultivate a passionate — and safe — relationship and the first thing I try to do is dismantle it.

After everything we’ve been through — 4 am girl, my secret sex blog, his resistance, my anger — we’ve made it.  He wants me and my entire life and I am inexplicably uncomfortable with his unconditional regard despite my longing for just this very thing.  I am a stupid bastard.

So for now we have agreed to just be happy with each other and I’ve vowed to immerse myself in this new sensation called happiness.  It’s strange and terrifying, but I happen to like salty candy so I’m going to keep chewing.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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81 thoughts on “I don’t know how to be happy.
  1. Cut it out! Let this be what it is. I’m not a person who enjoys a good trainwreck (with the exception of the occasional Real Housewives episode), so don’t park yourself on the tracks.

  2. Probably doesn’t mean as much coming from me, but I agree with the lovely ladies above. WHO, might I add, occasionally stop by my end of the blogosphere to say “hi” once in a while… But you know, whatever. I’m over it.

    Hot intro as usual Hy. Oh and I think you’re going to have to start paying me some commission for Boobday. I’ve sent three different women your way now.

    Though come to think about it. I guess the pics of all these boobs is sufficient…

    1. Haha I’m glad we’ve worked it all out. Who ever said I was a tough negotiator?

      And are you saying I don’t say Hi enough?? I mean, you’re right and all, but I’m still asking. ;)

      1. Ha. Hi honey.

        Oh yeah, and this one is actually for all of you. Seeing as you’ve been so kind letting me look at pics of your chests all these months, I’m going to return the favour in my next post…

        And if that doesn’t draw a response from Hy. Then I don’t know what will ;)

  3. whoa, you’re scaring me my friend. As I read that, after the whole 2 years of attaining this level of connection, which is so unusually rich, I saw you walking on a tightrope, a bit carelessly – unfocused. That’s the image that popped in my head. You know what though, it makes sense that you have to learn new ways in the new state you’re in. It’s a good thing, no? just please, no more tight rope exercises. You deserve to be happy as the starts deserve to be wished upon. love, Jayne

      1. No she’s NOT. You’re human… as for the tightrope thing – you ARE DARING for sure, among many other good traits. I have to say that being scared was such an unusual feeling reading your blog.

          1. I’m sure you’ll recover in some lovely way as you always do. That’s the beauty of you – you fly and dance , drop and almost fall, but you recover your balance with honor. I know, I might sound full of puffy words or metaphors but it really is the only way to say what I see. You’re an open hearted, strong, sexy, smart woman – everything anyone could ever love.

          2. kind has no place in what I said – it’s pure observation over the last 2 years my friend. I’ve been told I do have a keen sense of people. ; ) …and of course I believe it Ha!

    1. That’s what I think too….Jayne said it so beautifully already.
      I always tend to ruin things when they are going well, but you don’t have too, Silly Goose! :)

      Bises par milliers,

  4. The picture of the two of you made me smile. :) I would struggle with this one as well. When you’re open minded and enjoy sex, you think that you should be ok with an unconventional view of sexuality. Sex and love are two different things in my book. But when you’re lucky enough to get both together cherish it and know what makes you uncomfortable. The three or foursome is totally different because you are there as a couple for your kinky enjoyment.

  5. I think it’s okay to be uncomfortable. I don’t take things for granted that way. People are unpredictable, we don’t even know ourselves sometimes. I think you really were just trying to show him you love him in a new, deeper way, and it just got away from you a little bit. And you learned something new about yourself and your level of intimacy with TN. So that’s a good thing, no need to get down on yourself for trying to ruin things.

  6. I got worried there for a moment. Why do you say you don’t know how to be happy? Is it possible that it’s because you’ve never really be happy yet in a relationship and don’t know how to go about it, and being sexually liberated and all, you thought maybe this was the way to go?
    But the good thing is you realised it was actually going against your feelings and did this in time to not ruin your happiness. Well done! It takes a lot to be so in tune with one’s feelings.
    Why you should feel humiliated for having recognised that you had made a mistake before it turned into a disaster, I just cannot fathom… It’s better to admit to a small mistake on something not very significant rather than wait until he actually goes out and then you cannot look him in the eye anymore and don’t trust him anymore. You should be proud of yourself for realising it on time!!
    I say you’re very much on top of it, I’m happy for you :-)

    1. I’m not embarrassed to have caught my mistake, I’m embarrassed at the mistake itself! I’m supposed to be more highly evolved than that! :)

      1. Ah, so you mean you’re human after all and make mistakes like the rest of us? Not sure that’s grants for feeling humiliated! I’d have died many times from humiliation already. I mean, it took me 20+ years to realise my mistake. Forget about just making it!

  7. The hardest thing on the planet for a lot of us is to believe that a good, amazing thing has happened. Guess what, baby?! It happened! So…do your darnedest to just sit back and enjoy it. Ride the waves of happiness – as scary as they may be. ((HUGS))

    And if not, I’m gonna encourage Marian to use her firm voice. I’ll give you the evil eye, while she’s giving you what for. A pretty scary combination to be sure.

  8. My first instinct was to put you over my knee.
    Just so you know.

    But I think you’re beating yourself up over it enough.

    Breathe, baby. Breathe and just take it one day at a time. I know so well that feeling… of self-sabotage, and you know it is the worst thing you can do for yourself and for him so I won’t berate you. Also, I love that it was slipped in that you met his parents. Wonderful!

    I’d like to hug you. But I’d like to hug TN too. Thinking back to when this relationships started (and it’s always been a relationship, just not always official, not always HERE)… he’s really come a long way. You have too, love. I’m glad to have played witness to this journey.


  9. I hear ya and I understand …. I have a masters in self-sabotage. I’m the happiest I have ever been in my adult life but for some reason I keep trying to talk myself out of being happy. It’s a rough road to just let things ride and be happy. But I’m a couple years older than you so I’m going to wave my mom finger in the air and tell you to just go with it … :)

  10. Very good insight there. To step outside of yourself and see what was going on with your actions so you can correct seems like a very mature almost-40 year old woman kind of thing to do.

    And just amazing gorgeous flowing writing, as always, beautiful!

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  13. Hi.
    I don’t know if it will make sense to you I could relate to the fact that you had a passionless marriage and now you try to “destroy what little peace (you’ve) finally managed to accomplish with him”.

    I am always afraid that my relationships will sink into a passionless, complacent state of just drifting without much happiness (my parents have a marriage like that) and so I seem to have developed a repulsion to anything stable or peaceful. I keep testing my relationships. Almost like scientific experiments where you put something in a petri dish and put chemicals on it one by one to see how it reacts (eventually ofcourse the sample gets destroyed and you take a new one). I am not sure if I am trying to just prolong the instability of a relationship, keep the “excitement” going so to say, or trying to find some sort of an utopic relationship.

    Very interesting post. Made me think about how I am in life.

  14. Happiness – (noun) A lie perpetuated by the pharmaceutical industry.

    Take my advice and have nothing to do with it.

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