I wish I knew more.

Hy in her moment.
For the first time in a while I woke up and thought of taking a picture… and of writing.

The Present.  We talk about it like we know what it means, how it’s supposed to feel.  I suppose it could be the absence of longing (The Future) and regret (The Past), that feeling of awesome timelessness we felt as a kid with the grass beneath our backs and ever-morphing clouds above us which told an epic story that has always been the backdrop to our lives.  That this moment, while fleeting, is the most real thing in our lives.

I remember distinctly wanting to break up with my exhusband about two months into our relationship.  I received awful advice from a friend — who to her credit was taking it herself — who told me to push through my misgivings because on the other side lay happiness.  Basically, that just because it didn’t appear to be what I really wanted I might be surprised to find it was good enough.

I don’t have to tell you how her relationship is today; I personally wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

So I listened intently, took a deep breath, and shut down all my misgivings about him.  Ten and a half years later I see that night with her at some shitty bar with an even shittier cover band as the night I decided to do the wrong thing.  I should have ended it.

I obsess over that night and try to weigh all the decisions after it.  Of course a lot of what I hold dear would never have happened had I listened to my gut, namely my child.  Actually, only my child.  I tell myself there was no way of knowing, that he had us all fooled into believing he was stronger than he actually is, but I still feel responsible for choosing a man who chooses himself and his new woman over his own child.

My friends, with solemn, sad faces, have told me that Peyton will be ok because I am the mother, the mama, but my heart still breaks.  Peyton loathes going back and forth between us and longs for us all to live in a house together.  I might add that includes The Neighbor, the new woman (Kathy), all the besties and their mommies, too, and my mom and step-dad.  Peyton’s Commune, we’d probably call it.  The regret, the first of my life, is at times crushing.

Enter TN.  A man whose limitations may be their own Litmus Test.  Will he ever melt into me and my life?  Can I really sign up again to be with a man who can’t connect in the ways in which I think I want to?  I can’t even say definitively if I’d like it better.  I’ve never dated anyone all the way.

I’ve never had anyone beg me to get closer, to spend time with Peyton, just the three of us or even just the two of them for ice cream.  I’ve never dated anyone who wanted to meet all my friends and loved to plan fun things for all of us to do together.  I’ve never dated anyone who missed me and brought me love notes and flowers.

In the very beginning, TN used to do little chores for me and to a small extent continues to do so, but he is over there, across the metaphoric way, doing his own weird, solitary, introverted thing.  I have noticed that lately I care less and less whether I see him or not.  It’s not a good sign.

When we touch, I am transported to the old Hy who used her body to connect, to slough off the pain and sadness she was wading through after she moved out.  It feels familiar and I’m happy.  TN is as ravenous as ever in these moments, but they are fewer and farther between.  His 70 hour work week must be laughing hysterically at us.

I wish I knew what I should do here.

I have always hung on with him and I have always been rewarded, but this time it feels different.  This relationship began backwards, without me thinking things through.  I wasn’t ready for a real relationship so I wasn’t picking men who were ready for me and my life: my parents, Peyton, my sister.  I wanted a guy who was ok with just the little bits I was willing to give and I found them in spades, TN being the biggest consumer of all.

But now I’ve changed the game, I want a real relationship with someone who comes up with fun kid-things to do on the weekends and who happily comes to dinner to help me manage my mother and step-father, who can’t wait to travel to Pittsburgh to meet high school friends or just a weekend away to a lake to fuck like rabbits and sit by a softly lapping shore.

I feel this longing, this Future, so keenly my body aches with indecision.  Will TN ever be that man?  Is it really all that important?  Am I determined to be unhappy or are these feelings real?  I’d probably be better off ignoring both The Past and The Future and examining my ever-changing Present, right??  I just don’t know anymore…

What I can tell you for certain is that TN gets the keys to his new apartment today and I’m strangely happy about it.  He is, too.

All my worry and self-flagellating doubts about him have fallen away like a spaghetti-strap slip beneath his hands.  I trust him, I got past my fear.  Mostly because I’ve become honest with myself:  I don’t know where this is going.  I wish I knew more — but I can’t — so I will sit and watch the clouds for a while instead as I help him move in three buildings away.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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20 thoughts on “I wish I knew more.
  1. You have a right to want what you want. As a mother I truly understand the yearning to give your son so much more.

    One thing that struck me was the amount of hours he works. Men work hours like that because they are trying to build something stable. Building a career and financial stability is vitally important and commitments aren’t made until it’s felt that they can provide well. Just a thought.

      1. You’re right, totally right. I really don’t know what he thinks he’s doing with these hours and 7 day work weeks. Time will tell what he gets, though.

    1. Thanks for the kind words. I’m not sure why he works those hours, honestly. Trying to prove something to someone, young, “single,” childless, working for a startup filled with the same types. None of them have a clue…

  2. Oh Hy!!
    Yes, take a little time to look at the clouds. Figure out where they are going, what they look like, let your mind wander. Listen to your heart. It will tell you what you need to do when you need to do it/ are ready for it.
    We are all doing what we think is best at any given time. We might as well enjoy what we have when we have it. And let’s worry about what tomorrow brings… tomorrow.
    Big hugs, and hope the move goes smoothly :-)

  3. hispetitelle made a very valid point. Men don’t usually work that way unless they are trying to build toward something. And if they are career driven it is often a way to find stability. As someone who has one foot (career, etc) firmly planted in the future, and one foot firmly planted in the now (relationship-wise) and her nose turned toward the past (sigh), I’m not good at offering that kind of advice. Sir and I have always been living on the face of a ticking clock, so I try to stay in the present as much as possible. I know that nothing and no one are promised to us tomorrow. However, it is a little different for you because you have that extraordinary little person to think about. It’s okay to want more for yourself and for Peyton out of a lover. Unfortunately, we cannot help who we love, but it doesn’t mean they are always a perfect match for us.

    I imagine that it is in moments like these that the age difference can still feel spectacular. He’s at the top end of that wonderfully (terribly) removed, stoic, sort of self-involved generation that I belong to. Don’t worry, I feel like a fish out of water when I’m dipping into the dating pool of my peer group–I don’t understand why people just can’t fucking connect and want all the sweet things I want.

    I think short term, living in the present is good for you. He’s moving in, things might be a little better with him close at hand again. I don’t think TN is deliberately shutting you out. I think he’s just the type that enjoys his alone time in his man cave. Speaking as someone who is a charismatic introvert/supremely type A–I used to make my roommates work the same days that I had off just so I wouldn’t have to see or hear anyone for a day or two, because I couldn’t fucking stand the company of a single person, not even the people I held most dear.

    I think you and TN have struggled a lot. I think you may continue to struggle for a little while. I think it’s been a few years now BUT you’re just really getting into/trying to find your groove. And eventually, if you stick it out, there will be little sacrifices… not just on your part, but on his too. We all do things we hate for the people we love eventually. The day he asks if he can accompany you to thanksgiving with your folks will floor you. He just seems to be a little slow on the uptake. But he feels much different than the TN that I first read about and have read about.

    I’m assuming a lot and being a frank kind of dick here. So I hope you’ll forgive me if I’ve overstepped.

    All my love.


    1. You are NOT being a “frank dick.” I really appreciated your insights and thoughts and it’s taken me days to sort of process everyone’s from this post.

      I’m so tired of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, though. That’s really what it boils down to. Tired, tired, tired. And I fantasize about taking a break. *sigh*

      I know that relationships come in all shapes and sizes. I’m just still trying to figure out this one, I guess. xx Hy

      1. It really just boils down to the fact that interpersonal relationships are utter bullocks that make us hate ourselves and question every single step we make! We just have to weigh if they’re worth the trouble or not.

        I am, of course, speaking from a place of empathy.


  4. I was struck by this because I accepted and made allowances for the same things.
    ” I wasn’t ready for a real relationship so I wasn’t picking men who were ready for me and my life: my parents, Peyton, my sister. I wanted a guy who was ok with just the little bits I was willing to give and I found them in spades, TN being the biggest consumer of all.”
    I’d say that you’ve never changed though, you always wanted everything you said. You just knew TN couldn’t give that to you and at the time it was alright. hugs, J

  5. My take is that you’ve already made up your mind, and are only ‘riding’ this out (1) to see where it goes next, since you have invested a deal of time/effort already, and (2) frankly, you have no (current) other/better options.

    You know down deep that he is NOT right for you. If he sincerely had ‘equal’ feelings for you, he would move heaven and earth to make YOU his one and only priority, including your son, and doing whatever else he could to showcase his love for you. By not even ‘trying’ to spend a full night here and there (especially with a lame excuse of bed preferences!), it seems he’s doing the absolute ‘minimum’ of visiting, cooking, etc. to stay in your keep…and pants. After all, he’s getting EVERYTHING he wants from this relationship…no travel…no family time…no sleepovers…and sex whenever he comes over. Sadly, I don’t hear you saying the same.

    I think you’re enabling his behavior, by giving him exactly what he wants, and letting your wants/desires fall frequently by the wayside. You seem to spend many nights, alone, wallowing about your current state, and wishing for more. Can you honestly say that he does the same? By leaving you to return to his place (and/or go to work), he’s getting what he wants…every time…at your expense.

    Relationships should be about give and take…compromise…meeting in the middle…splitting the difference…ask yourself (and him, more to the point) why this isn’t happening? Why is it such a ‘one-way’ ride? Why are you the one doing most of the giving?

    There’s a reason you’re still reflecting – obsessing – on that decade-old fleeting moment. You know history is rearing it’s ugly hand, hovering over the repeat button. It’s solely up to you to decide the outcome…sit back and watch its depression cause the same in you…or block it with your voice and action.

    You clearly KNOW what you should do. The real question is, will you?

    1. I must say I kind of agree with JTK… But as I said, it’s a matter of watching and feeling in your heart what you’re willing to do, what you CAN do, when you can do it.
      I agree with the fact that the memory of your friend telling you to sit it out is telling.
      I also know from experience that what we feel in our hearts isn’t always what our minds are ready to accept. And when it is so, our hearts just keep bringing it up until our minds can see it… This is what happened to me in my marriage. I wanted out 4 years ago. And every time I thought I’d give it one more try. And even after I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he managed to convince me we should try one last time. And I said yes, believing it from the bottom of my heart. Or at least so I thought.
      If, like Elle is saying, TN works long hours because he wants to build some stability, then all he needs to do is say so. If, however, it’s just a way for him to escape from the reality of a relationship, then other questions need to be asked, like “why won’t he give you more space in his life?”
      Eventually, you’re the one in the relationship, you’re the one that knows the ins and outs. We only come at it reading your side of the story and reacting with our own backgrounds. Only you can decide what to do. And if you’re willing to sit it out and enjoy it a little bit longer, then only you can be the judge of when/if you’ve had enough.
      One way or the other, we’ll be here :-)

      1. Dawn, thank you so much. I can’t imagine why you keep reading all my bullshit, especially lately, but I’m grateful for your insights and your thoughts. xx Hy

        1. The answer is easy. Because I care about you for one, and because it helps me sort my own bullshit. Believe me, I have plenty of my own, and what you write almost always resonates with me :-)
          Sending you some more hugs XOXO

    2. This response really hit me hard and it’s taken me until now to be able to respond and I thank you for it.

      Everything you said is true — could be true — but I’m not certain yet. I fantasize about all the things you listed a man would do for me if he were as invested as me and this passage in particular really got me thinking:

      “I think you’re enabling his behavior, by giving him exactly what he wants, and letting your wants/desires fall frequently by the wayside. You seem to spend many nights, alone, wallowing about your current state, and wishing for more. Can you honestly say that he does the same? By leaving you to return to his place (and/or go to work), he’s getting what he wants…every time…at your expense.”

      I can’t say you’re wrong. Not even a little bit. It’s what I’m trying to work out now as we speak. The thing of it is that I am such a hungry little puppy that whenever I get a bone I think that maybe more are right behind. In truth, that’s not how it’s worked, but I’m a faithful, loyal dog and always think positively.

      I am mulling it all over. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to share your thoughts with me. xx Hy

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