I’m disjointed.


In so many ways I haven’t felt like me. I’ve been tired, angry, in pain, confused. I’ve been sucked dry of my passion and playfulness these last few months. I hardly ever masterbate anymore.

I no longer get excited about the thought of it; it’s far too much work. With the Hitachi dead, I am left with a tiny pink thing that buzzes. To call it a vibrator would be like calling a burro a Thoroughbred.

I have to carve out 10 minutes of my day versus 2 1/2. Sometimes even 15. I know it sounds utterly ridiculous, but I rarely feel I have 15 minutes to simply lay still and touch my lips, arch my back, imagine mouths and cocks and breath and thrusts.

It’s too much work to feel good and so I don’t even try. I slip down a hidden path of apathy which if I look closely enough I can always find, like the last stashed cigarette in my kitchen drawer.

But I am losing something important: me. My apathy sends the wrong message. It’s not leisure, it’s misuse. I’m misusing my body. A strong, healthy, responsive body which rarely lets me down. I’m neglecting her.

I recently received a gift through my donation button, and to that kind soul I’d like to say that that money is going towards my Hitachi Magic Wand fund.

In the meantime, I’m going to get off the path I’ve been on and I’m gonna touch the shit outta myself.

I’m going to squeeze the handfuls of my breasts and moan a little. I’m going to pretend that you’re there in the room with me, your hands wandering over the planes of your body. I’m going to close my eyes and dip my fingers, listen for the gentle smack of moisture as my digits plunder my chubby little folds and hole. My teeny pink buzzing thing is going to sound like a little moped on my mound as I let my orgasm build and I think I can hear the catch of your breath from beside me. And then I’m going to cum and cry and clutch and fall back onto my pillows with a smile and a sigh.

That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop being disjointed.


Check out everyone else being sinful today!

Sinful Sunday

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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55 thoughts on “I’m disjointed.
  1. When things work out the way I want them to, I try to coax one out of myself every morning before I get up. It’s a nice, slow transformation from slumber to yucky reality. Now that you mention it though….I haven’t been doing that much recently. Maybe I’m a bit disjointed as well. Off-kilter. Not very centered. I’ve gotta go!

    Here’s to the Simultaneous Trans-Atlantic Dominical Masturbation Festival! Yeah!!!

    Love to you Hy,

  2. Sometimes we need to force ourselves to get back to things we find important, because life pulled us away from it. Hope you get back to your own sexiness.

    Love the photo :)

    Rebel xox

  3. I think knowing there is a problem is half the battle, once you know then you can start to work on improving it.

    The picture works perfectly with your words, the shadow seems quite disjointed from the part of you in the picture.


    1. It’s funny how that worked out. I actually took the pic yesterday, thought about how disjointed I felt (truly) then thought it’d be great for Sinful Sunday.

      But yes, noticing something is amiss is definitely half the battle. xx Hy

  4. This image works so well with your words.

    I know that disjointed feeling so very well. If you can identify it you can deal with it, whilst you deal with it – remember to enjoy!!!

    ~Mia~ xx

  5. What a fabulous picture. It works really well with what you’ve written. I really hope you find your you again I think you may be half way there just by reading this. X

  6. Hy

    You need some time to focus on who you are , the beautiful son that the world would not have without you, and time. The last being of the most importance. This journey is not often easy, love can and often is a minefield but become your own best friend for a bit, let it all go except for you and your baby boy. Today’s are a limited time…they can get twisted from time to time. You are a strong woman. Just stroll to the nearest mirror and say thank you to you. For you can do anything.

  7. I completely understand where you’re coming from, there’s so much going on in my life at the moment I forget to make time for me! We all need to be a little selfish sometimes and focus on ourselves.

  8. You are not the only one. I have reviews to do and I have to find the damn urge to touch or play in order to get them done. Life is so hectic right now for me and not being able to have the privacy I once had is a pain. But those times I do get some I enjoy it while I can. I love the shadow play in this picture.

  9. Hope you find time for you; it’s so easy to be very selfless and introverted.

    Good luck on your Hitachi fund. We have the UK, and more powerful equivalent, the Doxy and it is something special. It could coax orgasms from the dead! ;-)

  10. I get the apathy thing. For soooo long I was in that ditch. You know, sometimes you jut have to make things happen


  11. I’m with Molly on this. Once you realize there is an issue (and lord knows that can take ages) then you can work to address the issue. Good luck finding your mojo. You look fabulous!

  12. I totally understand Hy. I would be very sad without my hitachi magic wand. And I like the quick and efficient release it gives me. I want to be buried with it incase there is 120V in the afterworld. Good luck with the hitachi fund. :)

  13. Hy, I think that picture is soooo beautiful. It’s an incredible composition and I was admiring it for a while, read the post and only then did I see your boobs at the bottom. It got even better with the light. I think it’s stunning – as you are. I hate these kind of dips in life but as always, you do seem to find your way. xo, J

  14. Hope the coaxing works, I’ve missed Hy…. I know the challenges of life and am grateful that WordPress has given me not only an outlet for my own words at times, but has brought me into that path of several writers that I could call friends. You do matter Hy, I hope you can get you smile back and with it the knowledge that you are one sexy lady.

    And I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you that there are any number that would love to help you find that sexy you. Being over the hill, I can still dream. :)

  15. Hi Hyacinth,

    Sorry to hear that your Hitachi has gone to sex toy heaven. We’d like to help you out with your lack-of-wand situation. Can you drop me an email when you can, at ruby (at) doxymassager (dot) com? :)


  16. Hey sweet love! Taking time for one’s self can be such a challenge… especially with all the changes you’ve been going through. Give your sweet self some grace and then get your long beautiful fingers busy. See you soon!!!!!

  17. I have been feeling the same way lately… and also came up with the same conclusion that I just need to do what I normally do and maybe I will get back in the groove of things.

    This weekend was the turning point I believe and so hopefully this week will be a lot more sexy.

  18. Oh wow, this is one of my favorite shots from you Hy–it’s gorgeous and your shadow is amazing! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been feeling disjointed lately…and from one Hitachi addict to another, I’m sorry yours died! I hope you feel better soon!

  19. This image is absolutely stunning. The way you captured your shadow, and the way it almost seems to be another being in the room with you – is brilliant.

    And then I read your words. So much emotion, so much struggle. I can relate in so many ways to what you’ve said. I’m glad you’re going to push through it and start taking care of yourself again. If often only takes once to re-awaken what you’ve lost. But don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t.

    I hope you’re able to work through all of this. You’re not alone in your feelings, just always remember that.

    1. Wow, thank you so much for your note. It really touched me. I was on such a sexual high that the plateau has been more like a crash. I’ll keep on trying to break through, though, and try to remember I’m not alone :)

  20. I get that whole feeling disjointed thing… I went through a bit of it after my former Sir and I parted ways and I’ve been going through it again of late. But I’m trying to snap out of it, and daily play has a lot to do with that!

    ~Kazi xxx

  21. Unfortunately life often gets in the way of — well LIFE!

    As a household of three of us living with pain impedes the need and desires to play, and that can be so frustrating. Take care of yourself and hopefully things will turn for the better.

    Hold on to hope.

  22. We’re sorry about everything you’re going through lately, and we hope it gets better. We know all about how much losing a beloved toy sucks and we hope you have your new Hitachi soon. If it’s any consolation, we found your beautiful photo and your very erotic words an enormous turn-on.

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