I have done what he did.

Let’s be clear here: The Neighbor is not an asshole. 

He’s not a piece of shit, a loser, or a villain.  He’s not a coward or even selfish.  He’s a young man who realized after many months of internal struggle that not struggling might be better for him.

I appreciate all your love and support, but it’s deeply upsetting to see TN get ripped to shreds here.  He doesn’t deserve it and it doesn’t feel good for me to see it.  It makes me sad and defensive.  He no more deserves critique than any of your friends who might one day do the same thing he did.  He deserves respect for at least finally being honest with me.

I certainly would have preferred to be a part of his internal discussion about what was happening, but for whatever reason he couldn’t offer that to me.  However, I do not believe it’s a character flaw that it didn’t go down the way I’d have preferred.  Perhaps it’s a mark of our development; he’s in a very different place in his life.

I have been talking about TN basically 24 hours a day for the past 5 days.  Peyton has been with my ex all weekend and so therefore I filled my time with loving friends and phone calls, but now I am fucking exhausted and wrung out.  My body aches from inactivity and my mind is firm: TN will not be vilified here.  I’ve never allowed it before and I won’t allow it now.

Just like I told my friends with my own voice I am telling you all now: he’s not a bad man for feeling the way he does.

Yes, I’d have liked for him to have come to me and said, “Hy, we never talk about where we’re going or what we’re doing and I’m deeply uncomfortable.  Can we discuss it?  Maybe press pause for a bit or maybe even rewind?”  And of course I would’ve agreed to talk and then joined him in the “where and what are we doing?” conversation.  Maybe I would’ve seen that he was right that this had to end, maybe we would’ve come up with a plan to stay together, but to say he’s a bad guy for skipping that step is missing and discrediting all the work he did in an attempt to be with the woman he loves more than anything else.

It just failed.

I’m not at all saying that we weren’t salvageable with two willing partners.  What I’m saying is that he wasn’t willing and therefore we couldn’t be saved and him not wanting to figure it out does not make him a bad man.  It’s painful to embrace this, but none of us have control over our feelings and he is no different.  I won’t blame him for how he feels.

I desperately wish his heart was in it, but what’s the point?  It isn’t and now I have to pick up the pieces.  And despite hating how it all went down and feeling madly out of control I have to respect him for finally doing what his sad inner voice has been saying all along: let her go.

He didn’t do a fake Valentine’s Day for me, he didn’t buy plane tickets to a March ski trip with me and my friends, he didn’t solidify plans to go to the beach in May or even where we’d be at Christmas.  He saw that this year was me planning our future a bit more and he knew it wasn’t right for him and he got out.  I can’t and won’t hate him for that and I can’t and won’t agree with any of you about what a piece of shit he is.

I understand that you all love me and that you’re hurting on my behalf, but it cuts me to the core to see him spoken of in such a way, therefore I’m going to remove all the comments from my last post.  I know you were all only trying to help — and you have — but I have to look at this from TN’s perspective, too.  He truly did the best he could and I can’t hate him for that.  I can only look for a new partner who can do better.

If he were your friend you might be telling him what a selfish woman I am for just assuming a certain kind of future with him without ever discussing it.

I know that TN has some grand notions for our post-relationship life and I may or may not be able to make those come true, but that will be a decision I make on a daily basis with Peyton in mind.  What can we handle?  What does my baby need?  I respect that TN doesn’t want to abandon the little friend he made while with me and that’s important, too.

Irrespective of his relationship with my child what I can promise to myself is that I’ll work really hard to heal and move on and do whatever it takes to make that happen.  What I won’t do is tear him down to do it.

Part of my compassion and empathy stems from how I felt when I left my marriage.  My exhusband was horrified to learn one day — “out of the blue” — that I was having divorce fantasies.  Of course it was after months of business travel and depressing, difficult times together, emotional and physical neglect, and an unhealthy division of labor at home, but to him it was from out of nowhere.  He’d had no idea the work and effort I’d been putting in to our marriage so that we were only that miserable together.

Of course that confession wasn’t the end of it and we spent the better part of that year in therapy trying to hammer out our problems, but for all those months I had been unraveling and never told him the truth I wasn’t being fair.  I believed in my heart of hearts that he couldn’t change anything; I attempted to tell him my feelings, but I hid my true pain and anger in order to protect him.  I failed us and I failed him because I couldn’t bear to cause him any pain, possibly invoke his anger, or to maybe have him fix it because the truth was: I was done.  I had conducted an entire argument all by myself and didn’t include him.

The therapy we experienced was nothing short of depressingly sad.  I avoided total honesty and I suspect so did he.  It’s true that ultimately we weren’t compatible and he’s probably a million times happier with his bike-loving, camping-obsessed new wife, but I never experienced what it’s like to really crack myself open to him.  I just wanted out.  It only helped that I believed in my core that he truly didn’t like me, but looking back I ruined my life as I knew it: I lost my child, financial stability, and a man who did love me despite all our problems.  How is what TN just did any different?

Maybe one day he’ll either evolve to the point where I am today, or find a woman who wants only what he can give and not one drop more, but for now he’s exactly where I was.  Except he did the thing I never could: he got out when he knew it was the right thing to do.  He was brave and strong where I was weak.  I married the wrong man because I let him carry us forward into phase after phase without ever discussing it and without ever admitting to myself that I wasn’t truly happy with him.  TN saved us from that.

My heart is shattered and broken because I love him, but my mind has been set free because I just witnessed something brave.  He performed an act of kindness that I was incapable of at his age and I prefer to focus on that rather than the clumsy, painful, and surprising execution of our union.  He is a good man who did a sad thing.

Of course I still love him and I’ve cried 10 times while writing this because I wish none of this were true, but I see it clearer now.  It was an act of kindness to let me go.  Now I just have to wipe my tears and let my heart stitch back together.  Take deep breaths and take care of myself and my baby and look forward to my future with a new love.  Maybe one day, based on experiences like this one, I’ll find the right one.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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49 thoughts on “I have done what he did.
  1. The only feeling I have about all of this is that is makes me very sad but I also completely agree with you that TN should not be vilified for his part in this. I have done what TN has done and had it done to me. Neither of which makes me…. or him…. or you….. a bad person.

    I hope you find peace with all this soon Hy and that you and your little boy move forward to whatever life has waiting in the wings for you now.

    Molly recently posted…Elust #67My Profile

    1. Thanks, Molly. I agree – obviously! Breaking up, moving on, giving up, growing up. It’s all painful and necessary. I’m still in that phase of OHMYGODICANTBREATHE, but I know in a month I’ll feel better and in another month even better. xx Hy

  2. I applaud this post my dear. It’s so easy to villify him because it’s easier to say you are good and he is bad. But life is never that simple. I had similar supporters lambasting Johnny when we split up and it wasn’t always fair to him – I guess though in our case his perspective was fully shared on his blog.

    Regardless… I’m sorry you are hurting. All too often we take the easy route and not say goodbye. God knows I lasted way too long in my marriage because I couldn’t walk away. I now firmly believe it’s better for people to make those hard choices, because it’s better in the long term and far kinder to the other half in the relationship.

    I’m writing this on a phone so hope this makes sense. And again, kudos to you for this.
    Ann St. Vincent recently posted…Very Inspiring Blogger Award II | Thank you!!My Profile

    1. Thanks, Ann. TN has frustrated my Internet Boyfriend for years, but I have always been protective of him since only my voice is heard here. I’ll hold off on any TN-bashing until he actually does something stupid and hurtful and as yet that hasn’t happened. Who knows? Maybe it never will?

      I’m still aching with sadness over all of this and can’t wait to wake up in the next phase.

    1. Thanks, SilverDom, I appreciate that. I have striven to write lovingly about him no matter what and to avoid victimizing myself. I’m sad as fuck, but I’m not a victim.

      (Also, I edited your comment to say “Nothing you have…” because before it said “The you have…” Was that the correct edit?)

  3. Hy,
    I want to thank you for writing this.
    I totally could associate with what TN did myself. After all, I did get out of my marriage, just like he did his relationship with you, and I’m sure that for my kids it was out of the blue, even my ex must have thought that there was hope, that he was working towards getting our relationship better. But, like you, the truth was I was done.
    I didn’t want to say anything negative towards TN because I believe that we are all entitled to do what we feel is right in our own lives. I am happy to read that you feel the same way and are already in the mind set of moving forward. I am sure you don’t kid yourself into thinking that it will be easy and fast, but, like you, I have hope that you WILL find the love of your life, sooner or later, hopefully sooner, but most importantly when you are ready for him.
    I’m sending you big hugs. BIG HUGS.
    Dawn D recently posted…A little anecdoteMy Profile

    1. This whole thing sucks any way you slice it and now I’m worried I’ve pissed everyone off when all I was trying to do was stem the bleeding. I appreciate your insights, as always, Dawn.

      As an aside, I dreamt about you the other night!

      1. Well, you cannot have pissed everyone off since you didn’t piss me off ;-)
        More hugs.
        Now, to the big question: you dreamt of ME? Of silly old me?
        I need to know more now, what was the dream about, what part did I play in it and so on… Pretty please? :-)
        Maybe an email will be more appropriate for this though…
        Oh, and one more thing: HUGS :-)
        Dawn D recently posted…A little anecdoteMy Profile

  4. I think you should both be applauded for the way in which your relationship has come to an end. That sounds really cockeyed but, I really do mean that in the nicest possible way.

    You are facing your heartbreak publically, which is a very difficult thing to do, some may say its a very attention seeking thing to do but everyone has their own interpretation of it. For me, my blog is the place for me to empty my head first and foremost and if anyone wants to read my head thoughts they are perfectly entitled to but its my life they are reading, not theirs. Sharing your thoughts is cathartic and those of us that read you should remember that. We are invading you rather than you enforcing your feelings and thoughts on us. Your heartbreak is obvious and very real, but so is your love for TN and whether you are apart or together, the sense of protection will always be there until such time as you can heal and move on.

    I don’t think there is any doubt that TN does love you, and I believe he loves you very deeply, but his being IN love with you is open to both question and interpretation. He needs to not be in a relationship, I think, reading your words, he actually feels smothered by it and while his heart may be very full of love for you, his head cannot deal with it.

    There is no reason to vilify him, call him names, make out he is the enemy. He has not abused you or beaten you, he has not stolen from you or caused anything other than heartbreak for you (and had his own as well). For that, in his own way, he should be praised, from reading your blog hes done it as carefully as he knows how.

    I read your entry regarding the break up and how it was worded by him. Friendship at the moment for you is out of the question and I fully understand that, but (and yes it is a big BUT because you are not me), my best friend now, was my lover back then. I have the best friendship in the world because I can say what I like and feel because I trust him. Its hard to start with, very very hard, but with time and effort on both parts, IF the inclination takes you, it is a good thing to have and it can be the best.

    Heal on your own terms though Hy, which basically means, don’t take anything we say as gospel, everyone heals in different ways and different times, even my claptrap counts for nothing at the end of the day. Only you can dictate everything.

    In the meantime, know that you ARE loved and that there are people who do and will listen, even if you only know us as a name on a screen. Chin up Hy, better days will come my lovely.

    T xxx
    Bigbuttbbw recently posted…Meaty, Beefy, Big and Bouncy!My Profile

    1. Thanks, T, though I think most could make the argument that everything I do here is attention seeking – ha! –but I get your point: it’s my safe place :). Thanks for all your kind and thoughtful words. xx Hy

  5. Yes, this: “I am not a victim.”

    Thank you for your courage; the truth in this post both pains and enlightens. It’s vital to process all the complexity of feeling… as terrifying, clarifying, and utterly gut-wrenching as it is. I am grateful to have read this; it gives me great hope as well as inspiration. My heart goes out to you. May Healing be an ever-present light along unknown paths, Hy.

    L xo

  6. Some of the best (better?) decisions are the hardest ones to make. It would be foolish to say that none of us have been on either side of this situation. Some may have been blind to it and others dealt with it without grace, understanding or love. It absolutely isn’t easy.

    Awhile back I ended a relationship, severing it completely. I wasn’t happy with things for a long time during the course of our “dating” but I lied to myself and her to keep her happy. She never really was either though as each day I faded more and more into the distance. By the end we tore each other apart. We no longer speak to each other.

    The relationship I had after that was better but I still found myself struggling. I recognized what was happening, the same patterns as before, and ended things before it was too late. I knew that we both deserved better than what I had done before. Most of all, we needed each other and we loved each other, and there was no way we were going to let go of what we had or let it be ruined by our rampant emotions. Today we look forward to the next time we can spend in each other’s presence.

    The best we can do is learn and keep loving. Ourselves and those around us. Proud of you Hy for sticking up for yourself and for TN. Best of luck and REALLY BIG HUGS.

  7. I can appreciate what you’re saying, but I have to express something. Of course it’s your blog, your prerogative in deleting comments. My response to the last post was based purely on a reaction to your voice and your hurt as you’ve presented it here, and so I stand firmly behind what I wrote. I guess I might be standing alone in that, and so everyone can go ahead and tear me apart all they want. Is that really what you think we were doing, tearing him down?? Jesus, we were, or at least I was, trying to help affirm what you already said yourself, that his post-breakup expectations/requests were so far off the mark as to be absurd and infuriating, and encouraging you to set healthy boundaries – for BOTH of you, and Peyton as well. If that’s ripping him to shreds, boy, do I know nothing.
    Anisa recently posted…wake upMy Profile

    1. Anisa, no one will tear you apart here, least of all me. It just hurt to see people I care about (all of you) say negative things about the man I (still) love. That’s all. I’m in enough pain and I realized seeing everyone’s upset like that was only making me feel worse, not better. I love you for being a fierce protector of me and it has given me the strength to be honest about my own role in everything and even see TN’s predicament. xx Hy

    2. Hey, I tail-gated your comment! So I’m as guilty as you. But, as far as I remember, you were strident on the ‘do break off contact as it will hurt like fuck to continue’ line, not much more.
      My view is that Hy (our hostess here!) sounded like somebody who has been in love with a guy for ever and it has all just fallen in a heap. She is in mourning, has a big hole in her life, doesn’t know what to do to soothe the hurt and some (not all) friends are calling him a shit. Personally, reading those comments as they went along, I am in no way surprised that she got upset with ‘us’ and wanted to wish away the opinions..
      It hurts like fuck when long term relationships go wrong, or just run into the sand. I’m sure we all remember the special one that went kaboom for ourselves, recent or historic.
      I suspect that what upset Hy is that some of us (me?…long term sinner) seem to have missed the point that she invested so much in the relationship with TN, so criticising him is criticising her in a very personal way. I guess, in mitigation, our comments show all the affection we have and the frustration we feel over her personal situation, but without the good bits she still loves him for. And will probably continue to for a while.
      (((hugs))) Anisa AND Hy

      1. Thanks, Nick. I hope no one read this post and thought I was being critical of anyone who rolled up their sleeves and was ready to kick some Neighbor ass (I honestly don’t remember who said what!). It was merely a call to sensitivity, that though he may not be doing all the right things (or having reasonable expectations) I still am compassionate to his struggle. And seeing my friends so angry at him (he who cannot defend himself) just made me feel worse about the whole stupid thing. I love that my friends here were ready to throw down; I’m just so raw it was a little like blowing on a raw nerve is all.

    3. Yeah, I agree. Those expectations were very off the mark. We were reacting to your pain. For lack of a better phrase “putting ourselves in your shoes”. I don’t see TN as a villain and I don’t think he’s a bad person but I think what he’s asking of you is asshole-ish. I’ve asked made those requests myself and I was an asshole.

      If this were a blog written by TN I think (or I’d like to think) we would be as honest as we were with you. I’m sure we’d call him out on his b.s too… Anyway, I hope you’re able to move on. This is your space and your voice so please don’t feel like you can’t express yourself because of what people might say. We are not you. We are not feeling your heartache or your emotional pain.

      1. Ha! I WISH he had a blog! I’d love to see inside that fat head of his. But thank you for saying this. I’m worried you all think I’m an asshole now for saying, “Hey, go easy on him [and thereby me]!” I am just wrung the fuck out. xx Hy

          1. We’re just guys.
            Sadly, WYSIWGY.
            No subtlety involved at all.

            But don’t you just wish, sometimes?

        1. You are so not an asshole. You’re human :) TN is human too but we’re more invested in you than we are in him so it’s easier to empathize with your side of things. Actually, reading your last few entries and reading other people’s comments I realized that I AM TN. I’m still very much in contact with my ex even though I know he still loves me. We still hang out even though I know it’s not easy for him. I think I have to cut the shit and let him move on even though I know I’m going to miss out on the friendship. Humans are weird. *sigh*

  8. I agree and, like my previous comment : nothing any of us say here will help you hurt any less.

    Be patient and kind to yourself……..TIME, lots of it is what you need xxxx

    Love always **hugs**

  9. I can say so many things that are all cliches, such as you will come out stronger on the other side, or nothing ever comes on your way that you cannot handle. But I don’t want to say those things. All I want to say is: hugs to you both!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…Circle PeakMy Profile

  10. I never thought TN the villain here. Those who have followed your journey for years understand that this situation has been far from perfect from its inception. I hope you get the space you need to heal, and distance from TN is where you should start. You can’t build on a friendship with him feeling as you feel now. xxx
    Scarlett Dubois recently posted…His Winter GoddessMy Profile

  11. Just sending you some big HUGS!! So sorry you are hurting, but yes in time the pain will lessen, and you will be set free even more. Chin up, and cry if you need to.. Here for you
    And PS.. I have been set free before too, and I do know how much it hurts…
    At least he did not try to drag it out if he was not happy just to save your feelings and it could have then been much worse.
    You deserve much happiness and security, and you and I both have just not yet found the right one. He’s out there, somewhere… believe it!! In time, in time….
    For now know that you have learned from this, and you loved well. Don’t go blaming yourself girl! Please!
    Joyce C recently posted…Intoxicated…..My Profile

    1. Thanks, Joyce, and I’m sorry you were “set free,” too haha. I have to admit I suddenly feel a lot more connected to the world and its heartbroken residents.

  12. I appreciate & respect all you say here Hy, always have & always will. I guess that knowing your blog & feeling as we do about you, there has been anger & backlash from your internet boyfriend supporters. I do still feel that there has been some selfishness on tn’s part, but I can hardly blame him for that. I’d want it all too if I were in his shoes, most of us would. It’s human after all. As for ‘I’ve done what he’s done’ I can relate to the ‘out of the blue’ scenario of your ex husband, I’m sure mine thought it came from nowhere too, when my mind had been made up for some time. & I still feel the pain & guilt of it every day, though it’s getting better with time. I suppose I’ve felt selfish & even a bit ‘assholish’ too. Now my compassion is kicking in & I’m realising that tn must be also feeling quite hellish at the moment. Hugs to you Hy, always. xxx

  13. Hy –

    It’s sad what happened…any breakup is hurtful…especially one like yours, that was one-sided, with you being smitten for him, but not so much the other way. But please don’t lay the blame for TN’s “vilification” on your readers…

    With your blog being the *only* vehicle for conveying his actions & behavior, you — and ONLY YOU — have laid the groundwork for this response. And, clearly, based on the number of your readers who responded in this fashion, this is not a wild hypothesis, but instead a direct response to how *you* portrayed TN. Further, you continue to say he’s not a bad guy, yet in your same post you also state that he was jaded and wanted to leave you for quite a while but *never* told you…he wants to be alone…he *always* felt ‘uncomfortable’ with your relationship…and he wants to have sex with others. In previous posts you made it clear how he avoided spending the night, and never entertained the thought of moving in. *NEWS FLASH* – these are NOT things that a good guy does! Please quit fooling yourself (and your readers)…we all (and you) know better. Once the hurt fades, and you realize how he took advantage of you for so long, hopefully you’ll see more of the unvarnished truth.

    You are smart enough to know that as a blogger, what you write is not automatically going to be everyone else’s cup of tea, and if you don’t have a thick enough skin to accept that, perhaps sharing your life with the world isn’t the best thing for your psyche. Hiding all the comments on your previous post is akin to ‘journalistic fraud,’ especially when they are a direct reaction of what you yourself typed. Maybe down deep you knew this and felt guilty as the catalyst for them, however removing them does not alter how your readers felt (and responded). Turning them off will not change how anyone thinks.

    Relationships aren’t always easy, but true love makes all the effort worth it when it’s for the right reasons, with the right person. However, the key is that THEY have to want it and put in equal effort too. When only one is rolling up their sleeves while the other shrugs it off and goes ‘back home,’ that’s a recipe for a broken heart waiting to happen. Clearly, through your VERY OWN WORDS, he was not your equal. Not even close.

    Those comments you hid carry sage advice. He broke your heart…it hurts…and it’s sad. We’ve all been there. Life is WAY TOO SHORT to dwell on sadness and negativity. Don’t waste another precious moment from the prime of your life. Learn from this, and move on. And, the sooner the better.

    xoxoxo and endless hugs,

    1. Wow…
      Disclaimer: I’m “randomly new” to this blog, and have “hurt along w Hy” whilst reading early Feb.. :'(
      So, obvs, I’m “late to the game” here, but still feel inclined to opine!

      First, I must say, JTK, your writing style is “familiar” to me; that is to say, **I write like you do**! ;p

      Granted I’m (probably) “nowhere near as (emotionally?) invested” (yet?) as I’d presume(?!) many/most of you readers have become, over time, and understandably protective of Ms Hyacinth – naturally, of course, seeing (as we do) everything through her eyes (only) – however, I was surprised to see no comments on the last post, thinking maybe they were turned off.. (eg too hurt to do replies justice…)

      But I must say I was GLAD to read this next post and especially how it started; then understood comments HAD previously existed…
      (Where, prior to that, I’d assumed she was simply “pre-empting”, or writing based on more “direct” feedback from local close friends…)

      In any case, JTK, whilst I agree that what we see is definitely coloured by how Ms Hy writes it, and our mental image only as good as Ms Hy “paints” it, I found myself nonetheless agreeing with her here!

      You see, EVEN IF Ms Hy’s writing is “biased”, it COULDN’T BE ANY OTHER WAY: it’s a solo blog, not a multi-authored blog; and she presents HER mind, not mind-reading for anyone else..
      (I’m stating the obvious, though… aren’t I ..?)

      I’m NOT saying it was “wrong” for readers to respond defensively/protectively of Ms Hy; that’s beautiful in itself! =D

      However, I DARESAY it’s a touch “shortsighted” and, ultimately, UNFAIR to write so vehemently against TN, **EVEN IN THE CONTEXT** of Ms Hy’s writing.

      Saying we respond on the basis of her writing is true but myopic:
      It’s always rash to draw conclusions without knowing facts from “both sides of the case”, and we’d never hear from TN, so I’d go as far as to suggest that, whilst heartfelt & protective (of Hy), vilifying comments against TN will have been “premature”.

      Plus, just to respond to your point about laying blame at anyone’s feet, I’d suggest it’s actually “correct” to suggest that responses tearing into TN are “wrong”:

      I’m sure most believe Ms Hy to be an INTELLIGENT & DISCERNING WOMAN, right?
      That being the case, “emotions” notwithstanding, if TN was truly a “bad guy”, wouldn’t you trust her to be rid of him? Conversely then, having continued a long relationship with him suggests he was worth keeping.
      Why vilify a man worth keeping, just cuz he decides to opt out of OUR OWN (readers’) constructed hopeful fantasy of their successful union?

      Some things just don’t work out.. sadly.
      [See also: Reason, Season, Lifetime..]

      I, for one, while wondering if he’d maybe met someone else and was manoeuvring to be “elsewhere” (eg for Valentines.. cuz we all know men are dogs – it’s no excuse, but it’s in our blood), still agree and respect the notion that he communicated honestly about not wanting to go forward — why beat around the bush, faking emotions which aren’t there?
      Yes, breakups hurt, but it hurts more the longer you leave it…

      Anyway, I’ve gone on too long…..

      With utmost respect for fellow readers (esp as I’m new). X

  14. Catching up on your life tonight just brings back those heavy feelings you can’t quite swallow but you know you must because you have no other choice. Loss is loss and no one is to blame which is good but you have no anger to divert your attention from your breaking heart. I know this feeling. No crying, talking, explaining, feeling, ignoring or addressing changes it. It is what it is and it hurts. I look for a man who is “different”. TN was that. I wish you both well and you did love so it’s over but it isn’t lost. It just has run its course like a season. I’m sorry this is pain lasting as long as it seems. You’ll be ok. because that is your nature. He must be feeling a loss too.

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