It’s beautiful out there.

Am I here?
Am I here?

I’m at a plateau of quiet discomfort.  It’s like sitting on a hard cold rock surrounded by beauty.

My heart is in a not ungentle vice.  Its movements are restricted, but it beats.

I have subtly moved myself into a position of distance from The Neighbor and the other men who are vying for my attention.  No to one, and yes, maybe, not yet, sorry to the others.  My moves are deliberate and calculated.  You must come for me; work for it, want it, need it.  I am of high value, fellas. 

I am peeking around the bend.  When I masturbate I think of TN’s giant cock and his furry body and I still cry when I cum imagining his warm skin and thick muscles, but it’s spliced with what the other cocks might be like.  I think of their smells, both real and imagined, and I’m transported back to the time when I played with many bodies, not just TN’s.  I feel some excitement.

I am in between a past and a future, but it doesn’t feel like my present somehow.  It feels somehow other worldly.  Who is Hyacinth Jones if she isn’t fucking?  If she isn’t loving The Neighbor? 

Well, I’ve answered that to a degree this past month of being alone and sexless:

She’s loved.

She’s a mother.

She’s a businesswoman.

She’s an artist.

She’s sexual.

She’s beautiful.

She’s smart.

She’s patiently impatient.

She’s driven.

She’s afraid.

What I’m afraid of is what makes this entire process more difficult: I’m afraid I’ll never find anything as great as what I had with The Neighbor.  His disposition matched mine perfectly, his cock was magnificent, he was a spectacular lover, he was whip smart, he was financially stable, he was good with my baby, my friends, and my animals.  The fear is because the bar is set so high I may be denied all these things I love and need so much for a very long while and then what?  Will I find a new muse??

Well, something else I’ve figured out is that I don’t have to have it all figured out.  This is my life and my  journey and I can do what I like with it and there are some things I need to discard entirely from the fringes of my life, contraindicating factors such as, “If I don’t have sex, then I am not sexy.”

I relied on sex to help me dig myself out of years worth of a sexless relationship, but I don’t need to use it for that purpose.  Now, finally, sex gets to be something else.  Sport, perhaps?  Connection, depth, fun, release, exploration, fill-in-the-blank.  Once I release sex from Hy as a personal identifier I am free from its trappings to deliver upon it.

When sex began to wane between me and TN I knew it was a red flag — who couldn’t think that?  But he denied it and excused it and I was left to wrestle with the question on my own, “Am I sexy if I’m not having sex?”  It’s why I started my Instagram account.  I needed more feedback and then I realized I didn’t need it anymore.  I am sexy with or without the sex.

I’m hoping my new outlook serves me well and the cocks I’m dreaming about really are the stuff that dreams are made of because it’s beautiful out there.  Just look.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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29 thoughts on “It’s beautiful out there.
  1. No matter what this feels like to you, all I can tell yo uis that from where I stand, it feels like healing. And it feels great!
    Yes, you don’t need sex to define who you are. Sex is just a tiny part of that. A very important part, yes, neither you nor I would like to do without any more. But it’s far from all about you.
    I’m sending you big hugs.
    Dawn D recently posted…Make me feelMy Profile

    1. I’m grateful for friends like you to cheer me on, Dawn! I was just so starved for sex for so many years, that my knee-jerk response to having none handy is total panic. I’m past that thought, thankfully, though I won’t lie: it’s been a rough few weeks! xx

  2. Absolutely, you’re all those things, whether you’re in any relationship or not. You’ll be amazing when you get into one again, and you’ll be amazing doing other stuff until then. Look how cool you are! Everybody knows it from the way you have the courage to feel and write about it, and your championing of Boobday for the benefit of all humankind.

    1. Yeah, you’re right, it’s just that sex got all tangled up with me once I knew how important it really is to my well-being. I’m calmer now :)

      And I’ll always champion Boobday for all of humankind! xx

  3. “When sex began to wane between me and TN I knew it was a red flag — who couldn’t think that? But he denied it and excused it and I was left to wrestle with the question on my own, “Am I sexy if I’m not having sex?” It’s why I started my Instagram account. I needed more feedback and then I realized I didn’t need it anymore. I am sexy with or without the sex.”

    How did you come to terms with that? I feel similarly, but don’t know what to do with that. I feel a blog post coming on.

    1. How did I come to terms with which part? I was never 100% ok with our waning sex life and I was working hard to figure it out on my own, but he was busy mourning the loss of us ahead of me and I had no clue. You need all the facts in order to come to terms with something.

  4. I think I saw a smile in there somewhere Hy. And it’s nice to see.

    You don’t need sex to be or feel sexy. You just are. It’s a state of mind. A way we feel when we are naked or when we put something pretty on that makes us feel confident in who we are as women. A pair of jeans, or a tee shirt. It doesn’t matter.

    All women are sexy in their own way. Never doubt that you sweet Hyacinth are all woman and very sexy even when you don’t feel that you are. Hugs!!

    1. So the “Am I sexy if I don’t have sex?” question isn’t unlike the whole “Does a tree make a sound when it falls if there’s no one there to hear it?” At least that’s how I look at it. Of course I’m still sexy, but can I FEEL it?? That’s the real thing for me at this point in my life and right now I think I can!

      I happen to think all men are stupidly sexy in their own way, too :) xx

  5. Hy –
    Everything you’ve said here rings true and right EXCEPT for one critical yet key phrase, where you couldn’t be more wrong. Maybe it’s not yet ‘wrong’ in your own clouded mind, but it clearly is to those of us on the outside looking in.

    Above, you said you’ll “never find anything as great as what I had with The Neighbor” followed by a list of his attributes/characteristics you’ve set your newfound relationship bar with. Please remember that the ‘fuzzy man’ that this cock is attached to DOES NOT WANT YOU and he clearly stated in no uncertain terms that YOU ARE NOT THE ONE FOR HIM.

    In most people’s definition, this is not the action of a ‘great’ person. Further, when you DO find someone that actually wants you, I think that attribute alone would easily override a fat cock or a fuzzy body… Being wanted…needed…and loved goes a long way (and typically carries much more weight) for most folks over a paycheck or some other material vestige.

    As they say, ‘love conquers all’ and it’s unparalleled when it’s actually reciprocated! ❤️

    Nice to see you’re coming around…it will only get better!


    1. JTK,

      I actually don’t think Hy’s mind is clouded at all. I think she is seeing things with real clarity for someone whose heart is broken.

      Reality is, when someone leaves our life like this, we mourn the package of things we loved about them. It’s more foolish to think it’s a guarantee you will get all that in the next relationship you have, plus alignment from a relationship perspective. More likely you will find someone who may be a better fit in one area, but won’t have the others.

      As someone who has dated like Hy has, I can say it’s pretty damn rare to meet someone with whom I have great chemistry, who has a great cock, likes sex as much as I do, is intelligent, good with my son, with a job, and willing to integrate into my life. I would be just as concerned as she, were I in the same situation.

      And those who haven’t wanted me the way I wanted them aren’t bad people. They just aren’t great for me. The same goes for TN. It doesn’t make him a bad person.
      Ann St. Vincent recently posted…How one little word can make me feel so sh*tty.My Profile

      1. Well said Ann! To clarify, I never thought (nor stated) that TN was a bad guy…just not a ‘great’ guy for the reasons with witch you agreed. I wholeheartedly agree that it’s quite rare to find a Mr Right with the whole package, and was merely ranking (like you) that I definitely prefer someone who actually wants/needs me way over someone who doesn’t, regardless of what else they bring to the table. (For an occasional roll in the hay or someone to hang out with, sure I’d reweigh some variables, but for a long-term partner, no way Jose!)

        1. I disagree with you, JTK. TN is still a great guy and still the one I want. Not believing I’m the right one for him doesn’t negate either of those.

          Maybe as an “outside observer” it’s crystal clear I’m wrong, but I’m the one living this and it feels accurate to me. I’m not trying to be right, I’m being honest about how I feel on my blog.

          I also disagree with you about cock size. It’s not an indication of a man’s inherent value — of course — but I prefer larger ones and ideally the next man I get seriously involved with will have one. It’s my preference and based on my experience it’s something that is important to me. I’m not apologetic about that any more than a man who loves big or little tits on a woman is.

          I don’t think I should have to defend myself about my personal preferences in a partner or feelings, but there I went and did it anyway. It’s not easy putting myself out there for all to see and judge; I have never claimed to work from logic. I am only me here and what I do and how I feel might not always “make sense,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not right for ME. We all walk our paths differently after all.

          1. On behalf of guys with smaller-to-average dicks…

            You chicks who are size queens should just, you know, go find guys with big dicks. I mean, I hope you do.

            I’d so much rather be with a woman who sees in my smaller-to-average but gorgeous and perfectly shaped cock a tremendous opportunity – both for head-giving and g-spot-tickling, and leave you ladies with your giant vaginas to feel awed, and filled, by giant cocks, instead of creating opportunities for you to be disappointed by our middling cocks, and us to feel, um, overwhelmed, in your cavernous cunts. ;-)

            And I really feel for all the complexity of your relationship with TN. Sounds like you’re both human, and that’s really the worst combination in a relationship.

            As I think you know, I want happiness and good sex for you, in whatever form/s it may come.

            Keep writing.
            N. Likes recently posted…Gossip, insecurityMy Profile

  6. Who is Hyacinth Jones…? Well that’s the question, isn’t it? It’s uncomfortable not knowing who you are. I used to think I knew myself, but “Who is Zoë?” is probably the biggest question in my life now. I find that being alone can really cut out the ‘noise’ that keeps me from even hearing the question. I suspect that folks who think they have it all figured out never actually heard the question in the first place.
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…full moonMy Profile

    1. I love this: “I find that being alone can really cut out the ‘noise’ that keeps me from even hearing the question.” You are spot on with this and I know it, it’s just a squirrelly process to get one awl there. But I’m trying!! By the way, I think you’re pretty fabulous (can you hear that??). xx Hy

  7. I’ll just keep it short, you have enough comments to know. You are gorgeous and sexy inside and out. I’ve been reading even if I’ve been quiet for some time. Guess I neede to hear your words, they touch enough to reflect in the lives of others in several ways, at least mine. Thank you for your words and your heart. Maybe you’ve kindled the spark I needed. Charles
    Charles recently posted…Do Cats Stutter?My Profile

  8. Yes Hy, it is beautiful out there and I am so happy that you are able to say this!!!
    I sense a more “positive vibe” in this post??

  9. “I am sexy with or without the sex” YES!!! This is actually the longest period I’ve gone without sex (and you’d faint if I told you how long) but I’ve never felt more powerful and more beautiful than I do today. I think having this time alone has given me a chance to cherish ME and realize all that I deserve…is he out there?!? I don’t know and I might not meet him until I’m 65 (which is a little scary). It sure is a crazy ride to find him but I’m trying to enjoy this ride/life until I meet him…
    Lisa recently posted…Dating in 2015My Profile

    1. I’m so glad I rescued you from the spam folder! I have no idea why that happened, but I’m so glad you pinged me!

      To speak to your note, I know that sex doesn’t make one sexy, but I was wrestling with whether or not I could feel sexy without it. Obviously the answer is yes. I think it’s the potential for sex that makes me feel it. haha Is that ok? ;) And of course someone’s out there. There are so many platitudes about this, but I think they’re all true nonetheless. I like your style, Lisa :)

      1. Thank u again for getting me out of that spam world! =) Of course that’s ok because it’s how you feel and we all feel different in situations and that’s what makes the world rock. =)
        Lisa recently posted…Dating in 2015My Profile

  10. Yep, to be loved one must learn to love themself first…something like that…I didn’t want to say it, we all have heard it before…but it sounds like you have a clear path on your journey now, and a reason to show up. And yes yes yes this isn’t going to be about whether you are sexy, you are, and so what, because you are mostly those other things on your list. Sex is great and all, but a connection with him because of who you are deep down, unbridled, unfiltered, that’s awaiting you still.
    G recently posted…Some cleavageMy Profile

    1. Hrm… clear? I’m not so sure about that. Murky, more like. haha But you’re right, that connection is really wonderful to have. Maybe someday…

  11. Same questions I’ve been asking myself over and over. Who am I without that person attached to my identity at a time that I was so incredibly happy? Am I sexy without sex? Am I sexy without the sexual side of myself that I shared on Twitter? I stopped it all. I feel myself suspended in limbo between what I was and what I could be. I just don’t know…and therein lies the fear.
    Great post.
    S. recently posted…You cannot drive love away.My Profile

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