I take a vacation without him.

I’m currently cruising at 30,000 ft — or maybe it’s 40 — the pilot hasn’t said much to us except that it’s going to be very bumpy.  He seems overly concerned about it.  He even went so far as to cancel the drink service.  Lucky for me, I’m in 8B, so I got my white wine.  “In case it’s bumpy, it’s better than red,” I explained to the flight attendant.

Peyton is next to me, sweet and beautiful and darling, drawing intricate fantasies in a notebook.  A woman with a 3 carat engagement ring with wedding band sits in the seats across the aisle.  She has two children with her.  The little girl is 5 and watching Frozen.  A large, white bow holds her hair behind her ears.  The baby is 10 mos old and has a little brunette fountain of hair spurting from atop her head.  When she smiles I can see all 4 of her teeth.

The Neighbor should be to my right.  Not these people.

This was going to be our first vacation together.  We’d gone to the beach once last summer, but that was because my best friend had pressured him into it.  He’d come late and driven separately.  I always felt that had I been the one to invite him he’d have said no, but since it was Amy asking and not me, he agreed immediately.

Peyton voiced a little wish earlier.  “I wish TN was coming with us still.”

“I know, baby,” I said, “but we’re not dating any more, so he can’t.”

“But you and Amy are friends and she’d come with us if we asked!” was the very logical retort.

“True, but I’m not there with TN, yet.  One day soon, I hope.”

There was a little pause and then from the backseat I heard, “It’ll happen eventually.”

I left the house for the airport in a frenzy.  I couldn’t find my phone, we were up against the clock.  You know, regular travel travails.  I left a note for TN along with letters from both me and Peyton.  My letter was supposed to just be a, here’s what you need to do with my cat and the plants, but instead morphed into something that lasted for 6 pages.  I’ve never written him anything a day in my life save from a love-lorn note when he dumped me after Pisspants.

My handwriting is generally atrocious and it was no better despite my best efforts, but there’s something intimate about the curve of a letter, the idiosyncratic way an “I” is written.  I find handwriting to be deeply personal and revealing and I felt shy as I scribbled words on the college-lined paper.

I still love him, I’m working on acceptance, I want to do whatever I can to remain friends, I need space, feed the cat *this much*, take the perishables out of the refrigerator if you like, thanks again for doing this.

When I masturbate I think of him and of new men all mingled together.  I want to prep my body for a new scent, a new feel.  I’m not remotely interested in anyone, but there will come a time when I am forced from my cave.  It will be sooner rather than later.

Do I go the Adult Friend Finder route?  OK Cupid?  Do I fuck with this eHarmony guy?  No one can measure up to TN, I know that.  I want to be kind to people, but I want to get mine, too.

Each morning I wake up thinking about how much I miss him, how much I want him to be a part of my life and future.  Today was no different.  And even now, thousands of feet above him I feel his absence.  Instead of the squawking babe to my right it should be him with his bald head and red beard with ear buds in listening to some music while Pey and I chatted and did our thing.

I’ve been trying to think of times when I left someone because “it didn’t feel right”; I want to get inside his head.  I certainly wouldn’t have let it go on for 3 years, but maybe he was hoping his feelings would change.  Maybe he was trying to feel differently.  I don’t know.  All I know is there was a summer when I dated a friend and he fell in love with me.  There was something about his energy that I didn’t click with, though: too acquiescent, too easy.  It just didn’t feel right.  And I broke his heart and left him.

Is that what TN is holding on to?  But how can he feel that way after everything we’ve been through, how we relate, how we love and play and fuck and talk and laugh.  I had none of that with my summer friend.  We had no chemistry.  The Neighbor and I lit up the sky with our friendship and sexual chemistry; we relied on one another for everything and found so much solace there.  In our case, though, love didn’t light the way, it darkened it.  It became too complicated, too dangerous, and generally too undesirable.

Love infiltrated his being and shut him down.  Love was my enemy.

I have to remind myself to just breathe, to wait for the feelings to pass through me, and that this too shall pass.  Nothing lasts forever, after all.  At least I got my wine.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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14 thoughts on “I take a vacation without him.
  1. Hy you are so strong and so beautiful. I feel your pain and wish I could send you many, many hugs. You are going through all the motions with beauty and grace. I don’t know you you do it having been so long with TN and so much in love, I would be immobilized. I think you are just amazing and hope you feel this way again soon.

    1. Thanks, Madeline, I really appreciate your kindness and support :) I know you know how hard all this can be! As far as going through this with beauty and grace, girrrrl, I don’t know about that! lol I’m doing my best, that’s about all I can say for sure!

  2. I’ve been pretty quiet here lately. All this turmoil has stunned me into silence. Believe it or not, I really don’t know what to say these days. I know you will stumble through in your perfect Hy-bumps-into-all-the-furniture-on-the-way-to-answer-the-door style and, eventually, be just fine. That doesn’t prevent me from being real sad until you get there. But going away with your little one for a holiday seems like a great idea at this point. Change of scenery and all that crap. Enjoy, reflect, and mend, at least a little.


    1. You have been quiet… And is this turmoil? I’m not trying to make it seem too overly dramatic. And you’re right, the holiday-timing couldn’t have come at a better time! It’s actually two trips, back to back, and it was the first one (a ski trip with friends) that I believe was the catalyst for all of this. He didn’t want to go and realized he had to tell me why.

      Also, don’t be such a stranger. I like you around here. xx Hy

  3. Unfortunately I think your writing has become so much more amazing since the breakup. Very heartfelt and incredibly revealing. I read your posts and I feel for you and can feel your pain and that is something amazing.

    So if there is any silver lining in this situation, I would say the emotional aspect of your posts have made them incredible to read, albeit very sad, but incredible.

    You will find happiness again, I am sure of it.
    Jack Bader recently posted…Repressed Sexual SocietyMy Profile

    1. Ha! I don’t know about that, Jack, but thank you. I just wrote a post that I think is rather flat, but I’m doing my best to be me and be creative :)

  4. Hy, I don’t know if love darkened your relationship with TN and was the enemy…I think love is why it lasted 3 years…I think maybe he wanted to see if the two of you could work and yes, maybe 3 years might seem like a long time but is it really in the big picture?!? To me, it’s not…just think what you did from the ages of lets say, 22 to 25….Yes, some people have kids young and I don’t remember how old Peyton is, but if you didn’t have him then…what did you do during those 3 years? Me?? I partied my butt off and had a FANTASTIC time…I did nothing but have fun during those 3 years and I regret not one day of it…Just a thought about looking at time.
    When I dated a guy for 5 years, towards the end of the relationship I wrote in my journal: “So why do I still want to be with him? Because when we are good-It’s good. He is my best friend. I feel like we have a love that I will not find with anyone else. Which is true. And that sucks. I don’t want to lose that love. But I think I have to…”
    And now that it’s been several years since the relationship has ended I am at peace with not having him in my life anymore. And I haven’t found someone who loved me like him yet but I’m ok with it…I truly am and someday you will too…I promise…And someday I think we will both find a love that is different than what we had but will be just as good and actually even better…Even though it’s hard to imagine…I hope your vacation is filled with lots of laughs and good times…
    Lisa recently posted…A Strong and Confident WomanMy Profile

    1. Hi Lisa, thanks for your note! You’re right and I’m right! It’s exactly what made it last 3 years and it’s also what killed it, I have little doubt. And yes, 3 years in the greater scheme of things is a blink of the eye, but it’s still a little chunk of change, especially at my age/phase/whatever. I want to honor my feelings so I can move on. To say 3 years isn’t a big deal wouldn’t really be authentic for me at this point, but I absolutely hear what you’re saying: with distance, it will seem less significant.

      I hope you find what you’re looking for sooner rather than later, too. It’s always nice to get what we hope for. :)

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