It’s been 7 weeks.

[Ed. Note: I started writing this 4 days ago.]

Seven weeks ago today my little life changed.

The man I loved — the man I was thinking of having a future with — pointed out some of our fatal weaknesses and decided to end it.  Just like that, it was over.

There had been no fighting, no screaming, nothing.  Just a general malaise, a quiet and ongoing discomfort between us.  I had felt it and worked daily to adjust; I told myself things like, “He loves you, don’t worry about it.”  For months he refused to admit anything was wrong.

That morning I woke up safe and went to bed in a complete free fall.

Since then I’ve put one foot in front of the other, concentrated on the moments themselves, but also embraced the fact that this feeling of abject loss and rejection will pass.  Eventually.

Today, exactly seven weeks later, and a thousand miles away, I can admit to feeling ok.  Insisting on some space from him was the smartest thing I could’ve done.

For one, it’s given me the room I’ve needed to get some perspective.  I see the failings of our relationship so much clearer and with it my dissatisfaction and sadness within it.  Hearing my best friends say things like, “What?! He never stayed the weekend with you?!?!” have helped me immensely.

Not because the implication is that he’s a bad man, but that what I accepted as normal is actually far from it.  A man who loves me and wants to be with me — no matter how fucking introverted/odd/whatever he may be — will want to do things that are deeply important to me.  Like spend the weekend with me.

I know that — I knew that! — but the time apart has helped drive it home: he was never, ever really in it.

Second, since my two little back-to-back trips away, I’ve realized I’m still vulnerable to injury and must proceed with caution.

I wrote him a 6-page letter the weekend before I left which he would have found that Wednesday night.  Even while writing it I was reminded of Rachel’s doomed letter to Ross wherein he falls asleep reading it and in his embarrassment at not having finished it blindly agrees with her that basically “Yes, he was wrong.”  Naturally, it doesn’t go over well.

I didn’t write anything like that, but I did write a letter.  A personal, vulnerable, honest letter in an attempt to tie up loose ends [and help him take care of the cat].  Six days after I wrote it, while home on a brief layover, I left him a second note, this one all cat business.  When I didn’t hear from him by the following morning when I thought he’d be feeding the cat I texted to follow up.

It was then revealed that not only had he not seen the second one due to a flexible cat-feeding schedule, but he hadn’t read the first one despite having taken it from my kitchen island.

“I haven’t read it yet,” he texted thinking that the note I was inquiring about that morning was the 6-page one and not the more recent cat one.

Standing on the SFO curbside pick-up with the phone in my hand, bags staggered about and Peyton patiently and exhaustively leaning on me I couldn’t believe it.  I’d suffered through 5 days of  what I could only call personal mini fits wondering what he’d thought about my words.  Had I said the wrong thing?  What was he thinking?  And the dude hadn’t even bothered to read it.

Moments later my phone lit up with his face, a picture I’d taken years ago at one of our favorite restaurants.  He looked clean-cut and painfully handsome.

“Uh… hello?” I said.  It was weird having him burst through my self-imposed No-Neighbor-Bubble.

“Hi!  I figured it’d be easier to just call you rather than text back and forth.  So, when are you coming home?”

“Well, like my note said this morning, I came home for about 6 hours last night, but I’m standing in San Francisco right now.  I won’t be home till next Monday afternoon.”

“Ok, so I just have to feed the cat for another week?”

“Yes.  Are you feeding him twice a day?”  There had been evidence to the contrary, but nothing concrete.

“Yes; I’ve been coming home at lunch.”  That rung strange with me, too, but whatever.  “What time did you come home last night?  I guess I just missed you.”

“We got home around midnight and left at 6 this morning.”  It suddenly occurred to me that he was driving to his therapy session, hence the need for the phone call and not texting.  I felt a wave of humiliation that he hadn’t read my letter yet.

“Yeah, I was there about 20 minutes before you.”  My gut clenched at the thought of having nearly run into him in our current state.

We hung up and I deeply regretted answering the phone.  I was upset and not a little crushed by the entire interaction.

Since then I’ve spent the week wrangling my sister’s small children from dawn till bedtime and accidentally falling asleep when the children do.  I’ve been thinking constantly about TN in a disembodied way.  The lack of contact from him isn’t unlike what I’d have gotten had we still been dating, though of course that’s just speculation.  I’m sure he’d have called off an on, but there wouldn’t have been any early morning texts to check in or tell me he missed me, so no loss there.

What I do know is that the tall eHarmony fella — whom I’ve never met — has shown more interest in me and my life in a consistent, easily identifiable way than TN ever did.  No code-reading here: he wants to keep contact because he’s curious about me and that’s kinda what you do, right?  It’s weird and comforting all at once.  I’m not remotely sure what is in store for me and him (our first actual date isn’t until the last weekend of the month), but it has been an eye-opening experience and led me to the Wow, I Put Up With a Lot of Bullshit Phase of this breakup.

No entire weekends spent together.

No 24-hours together!

No lazy days fucking and eating and loving and watching movies.

Little to no interest in my family.

Virtually no trips together.

No messages of any kind just to say, “I love you,” or “I’m thinking of you.”

No planning for the future beyond vague allusions to being 61 and 70 years old bodies together.

No “I miss you, Hy, can we spend some time together?”

No immersion into my life beyond the fringe.

No excitement about me, my baby, or us.

I realize now the gap that created in me and it reinforces the breakup.  It’s not that I was ok with all of those things 7 weeks ago — I certainly wasn’t — but I believed that they would all resolve themselves, that we’d fix them.  He may have ended things now, but had things stayed the way they were it would have been me walking away instead.

I fell in love with him despite him telling me in no uncertain terms that he saw no future with me.  He never wavered from that.  He might have fallen in love with me, but it didn’t solve the basic problem that he felt I was the wrong woman for him, which by default made him the wrong man for me.  And now here we are.

I have boiled it down to the basics and only shared what I feel is necessary to close this particular arc in my life.  He’s not a villain or a bad guy and I have little doubt that he loved me to his fullest capacity.  Every second he gave me was a little testament to how much he loved me because deep down he knew it wasn’t going to last.  Nothing like a big spoonful of bittersweet.

To be honest, I don’t know what I want on April 7th when my self-imposed request for space is officially over.  I have been unbearably light these past 2 weeks without him.  I feel safe; he can’t hurt me from here.  He can not want me all he wants so long as he stays over there.

My last words to him the night I told him I needed space were for him to call me in a month.  I have no doubt that I am the only one keeping my eye on that little day and I don’t think I’ll want to burst the bubble by then.  I wonder what will happen.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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30 thoughts on “It’s been 7 weeks.
  1. Hy,
    I am glad that you can see this so clearly now. I have no doubt that it will help with getting your life back on track.
    I agree that never spending a full day with you, or a weekend, doesn’t point to commitment, and more than that doesn’t point to a want/need to be with you. You deserve better than this.
    The tall E-harmony fellow… sound nice :-)
    Stop looking at the calendar, that date doesn’t mean anything. I know it’s easier said than done. Or rather: when you do stop looking at the calendar, that’s when you know you’ve healed completely.
    Big hugs from my neck of the woods.
    Dawn D recently posted…Last danceMy Profile

    1. Dawn, you’re the best. And I will do my best not to look at the calendar because you’re 100M% right. But you’re also right that when I stop looking I’m all better :)

  2. “I have no doubt that I am the only one keeping my eye on that little day and I don’t think I’ll want to burst the bubble by then. I wonder what will happen.”

    Sounds to me that nothing will happen…and it sounds like you already know that too.

    Having not read the letter is yet another sign that you and he are in different places.

    Add to that, his past actions have shown that his priorities clearly did/do not include you (just reference the BS list).

    You can have better, Hy.

    And each post that you write sounds like you’re getting further in the process of letting him go, so you can let someone in who you can truly be happy with.

    “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ― Deborah Reber

  3. So nice to read you’re coming around! We never said he was a bad guy…only that what you and he saw were on such different plains, and it’s SO refreshing that you see that now. Pretty soon, you might even be able to go back and reread a number of our comments along the way in a whole new light. Yay for Hy!

  4. I know that, at one time, you felt the break-up was your fault. We’re women, so I think blaming ourselves may be a genetic thing. But the more I read, the more I felt that TN just doesn’t have the capacity to commit. That’s a flaw that belongs to him. The fact that he wouldn’t/couldn’t spend the night or actually be involved in your life points to issues that HE has to deal with. I’m glad that you feel OK when you don’t think about him! That’s a good sign. And he didn’t even read the letters you left him? There’s something weird about that. For your sake, I kinda hope he doesn’t call you in April. Of course, if he does, you’re so far down the road of healing that it won’t matter to you one way or the other. Wishing you all the best!

    1. I can’t speak to the capacity he had in general to love [someone else], I just know he was certainly at his limit with me. That’s the pill I have to swallow right now.

      And I think it’s weird he didn’t read the letter, too! If my exbf left me a letter is read it immediately!

  5. I have been where you are and, while facing these realities are hard it is necessary for the healing process to properly take place. You will move forward now and hopefully when you are ready find that right person, I am also testimony that you really can do that. Sending you love and hugs xx
    julie recently posted…ThoughtsMy Profile

  6. I’ve been watching and waiting, hoping you’d get to this point. While my heart still hurts for you, I am very proud of you. No, he’s not a bad guy, but you and he didn’t work as well as either of you deserve. I’m with other commenters – stop watching the calendar. By April 7, when it comes and goes with (most likely) nothing, you may even be relieved.

    ((HUGS)) You are loved by your IBFs – and one day, I have no doubt you’ll find the love you deserve in real life, too.
    Kayla Lords recently posted…Dominants Who Give Oral Are Still DominantMy Profile

  7. Hy, you are really digging deep and doing the hard work of self-reflection that will help you learn and grow from your relationship with TN. I think you are on the right path – congratulations. He wasn’t The One for you, but he did give you some things you needed at that time, so I think you will always love him for those gifts. He has also shown you the common things that a fabulous woman like yourself deserves (weekends, trips, love notes, etc.), so please don’t compromise the next time. You deserve that type of intimacy because you are a sensitive, loving woman. Keep moving forward. Many hugs.
    MaggieMayat50 recently posted…Happy 100th PostMy Profile

    1. Maggie I am REALLY trying. I don’t want this opportunity for growth to be missed; I know I can do this!

      And are those things all that common?? I don’t even know anymore. Whenever I asked for them he made me feel very selfish.

  8. As heartbreaking as it has been to go through the motions that you have been, I also think you have been given a gift. You know what you want/need/desire out of a future partner.

    There are some things in life we can compromise on and others we cannot or shouldn’t. It sounds like you are realizing what those things are for you.

    Love and Hugs Hy!

    xo
    ‘Tis recently posted…consequenceMy Profile

  9. Ah, the curse of the “more or less OK relationship”. Looking back at my own dating history, I’ve realized that I ended up in relationships like this because of my insecurity/need to feel wanted + risk aversion + overdeveloped ability to make a commitment. At what point do you fold, take your lumps and deal yourself a new hand?

    I’m delighted to see you healing. I can see that it still hurts, but the emotional bruise is now purple instead of red and tender ;-)
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…leather jacketMy Profile

    1. Hmm, interesting equation. I think mine would be need for low levels of rejection + aversion to true commitment + high threshold for pain have gotten me entangled in some relationships I probably should’ve avoided. Of course I don’t regret TN bc despite all that it’s still the best one I’ve ever had (LOLZ). I almost folded many times last summer, believe it or not. I hopefully will do better next time…

  10. I’ve followed your blog off and on for a while now. I wanted to peek out and say I’m deeply sorry for what you’re going through right now. And also say that it resonates with me…every word.
    “He’s not a villain or a bad guy and I have little doubt that he loved me to his fullest capacity. Every second he gave me was a little testament to how much he loved me because deep down he knew it wasn’t going to last. Nothing like a big spoonful of bittersweet.”
    Although it’s a little different situation, the loss and pain of letting go of someone is still the same. It hurts like hell and everything changes…you change.. I haven’t been able to write (or breathe?) for 5 months since it happened with me…and I’m sure you know it feels like 5 years and 5 minutes both at the same time. I think you’ve shown great courage through this. I hope the distance continues to help give you clarity, Hy. :) You deserve happiness and someone to love to fully.
    S. recently posted…You cannot drive love away.My Profile

  11. It’s so good for you that you took this break. It’s difficult to see what has been there all along when the influence of the man you love is continually before you. It’s like you’re trapped under water, can not come up for air and see what the world looks like around you.
    You’ve now broken through to the surface and life is becoming clear.

    Sure you’ll have back and forth emotional moments…but keep one foot in front of the other. Men will come into your life and for a season you’ll unconsciously compare them to TN or find things that bring back memories. This too will cycle and eventually you’ll be completely yourself again. Stronger and more sure of who you are, what you want and know you deserve.

    And the day will come that you’ll look back on this relationship as a blessing and a beautiful time of growth of yourself and others. You’ll embrace it and understand the why. ;)

    ~ Vista
    vicvista recently posted…Saturday Eye Candy!My Profile

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