I’ve started a new book.

Though rejection draws me like a flame, its burn is no less devastating.

I am a flawed, stupid, irrational human being a lot of the time.  So are you.

The Neighbor and I are two idiots who happened to bump into one another by sheer luck.  I didn’t waste a single second with him, but I’m fairly certain I’ll waste many seconds as I writhe in longing for him and thrash around in the viscous binding that is his walking away.  His abandoning of me, of us.

There’s no explanation.  Only a feeling.  It’s a cloud moving across a sky.  A moment, a shift, an evaporation.  Poof, and it’s gone.

He is the only person who knows me.  That is my own doing, obviously, but he knows about Hy, about the real me, my child and ex and family, all my friends.  And he doesn’t want it.

It is so unbelievably painful, so Herculean of me, to not latch onto that inherent rejection.  I’m fighting it.

He never truly submitted to me.  He whet my appetite and begged for me to take the reins only to slip out of my grasp almost as often as he took breath.  I gave up and blamed myself, let him set the pace of everything.

What if I had wrapped him up inside of me and turned him inside out?  What if he’d come to me and said, “Please, open me up.”  There is no taking, only the offering.  And he never offered and therefore I never took.  I never had.

He might find someone else to do that for him and it gnashes at my limping, thumping heart to let that thought pass through me, but he is allowed his journey, right?

He can use whatever tools are at his disposal; he owes nothing to me.  He may turn my art into his bait because it was my gift to him and it no longer is a part of me.  Though, I’m not sure I believe that’s true.  That art is still me.

I couldn’t breathe, I thought of a tool to slash across my skin, but I refrained.  I let the tears pour out, the breath to run ragged through me, felt my belly pinch against my spine in a nauseating tumble.  Instead I  reached out to those who care instead of inflicting a point’s bleeding rejection through my innocent skin.  I wasn’t going to punctuate the betrayal.

You don’t know you helped me past that desire to slice into my tender whiteness — just enough to be colorful — but you did.  I mourn the absence of fresh red marks upon my breast, badges of pain, each one of them, but it’s better.  I am intact, saved from drowning in loss and abandonment and reminded that I have work to do.  Tonight, in life, tomorrow.

This chapter is officially closed.  I’ve started a new book.

 

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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20 thoughts on “I’ve started a new book.
  1. Hy,
    One of the most important things to remember in relationships is to recognize when a person is not opening up to you. It sounds like TN enjoyed the physical but he couldn’t connect emotionally. Hopefully you will find the right person when it is time. Being anew MFT intern I have a book that I would recommend. It is titled “Unprotected ” by Miriam Grossman. You cannot get it on Amazon
    Always remember that you are worthy of REAL love, not just physical Intimacy. The right person will love you and your child. You are worthy of love and the right person will do more than just give you orgasms. Take care.

  2. He is the only person who knows me… [H]e knows about Hy, about the real me, my child and ex and family, all my friends. And he doesn’t want it. Well, hang on a second.

    1. He clearly likes and cares about you. He wants a “relationship” (i.e. friendship) but not a “Relationship”. He had a mental image or gut feeling of what he was looking for in a partner and even though you didn’t match that template, he was still drawn to you for 3 years. He broke up with you but can’t seem to stay away. He values you and wants a connection, but a different kind of connection than what you want. I know you *feel* rejected, but this dynamic is very different from a “Fuck you, I never want to see you again, you’ve ruined my life” kind of thing.

    2. Suppose he did reject you and doesn’t value you. Even if that were the case, one human being’s opinion and feelings, and how he sees you fitting into his life (or not), does not determine your worth.

    I’m sensitive to feelings of rejection, and I sense that you are too. I’m quick to interpret behavior as rejection because it’s a familiar pattern that goes way back. But just because it seems true doesn’t necessarily mean it is.
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…orbMy Profile

    1. You’re right on both counts, completely. To speak to your #2, I’m working on not feeling the rejection so acutely or personally. I know deep down that it’s no reflection on my value as a person, but it’s still a devastating blow. And you’re right about #1, but it’s hard not to view it through a positive lens. I’ll get there eventually. I just gotta slog through this bullshit first. xx Hy

  3. Yes, the tears come hot and heavy but let them. You couldn’t stop them if you tried and fighting the emotions always make the emotional bond to rejection that much stronger. Opening you heart and soul up to someone new is risky but to allow someone to truly know you is even riskier. But it’s your soul’s longing to express and share itself, isn’t it? The person (your friend) is only the second part of the equation. A person may say, “yes, I want this,” or “no, this is too much for me,” and that is their choice. But your want, need and desire to love someone and be loved by someone is your soul’s journey. As for him knowing you, how can he truly know you when you are an ever changing, multifaceted woman? You don’t feel and think the same way you did 2, 5, or 10 years ago. You’re a better writer, a better person, a better friend and much more wiser. Your influence is far more reaching now even with all the shit you’re going through. Keep on loving for me. I have no doubt you will.

    1. You have no idea how often I’ve thought of you through all of this. I always said I knew TN would leave me, just like you knew J would have to leave. So much to say… xx Hy

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