It’s a roller coaster.

Hy is back
It feels weird to post a sexy pic. Now you get to see what he no longer does.

After much soul searching I decided to keep our appointed Monday night reading date.  I dreaded it.

I picked up the house in order for him to vacuum and prepped Peyton that after tonight we’d be seeing very little of The Neighbor because, “Mommy’s heart hurts too much still.”  My explanation was accepted with youthful wisdom.

“How do you feel about that, Pey?” I asked.

There was a thoughtful pause then, “I’m happy and sad.  Happy for you [that you won’t hurt anymore] and sad because I’ll miss him.  But I’m ok.”

I was vacuuming Peyton’s room when I saw him sneak in trying to foil the dog’s senses.  Once both the little person and dog realized he was there there was much exuberance and bouncing by all.   TN finished vacuuming the apartment and I was strangely uncomfortable when he disappeared into my bedroom to clean.

When he was finished we picked out books and settled in and TN intermittently cuddled with the dog and read to Peyton.  When we were done I kissed my baby goodnight and turned out the light without fanfare.  TN didn’t know that Peyton saw this as the last reading for some time.

I felt heavy and sad and far, far away.  And he looked good.  Very good.

He’d shaved his head recently and his better eating habits over the last few weeks showed.  I sighed as I grabbed a mug of tea and we sat down on the couch.

Hy is back
Sexy is so subjective.

“I can’t stay for long,” he said immediately.

“I know.”

“So how are you?”

And for the first time in weeks we talked and I didn’t feel emotional.  He was just a friend on my couch.  My mind was made up: this is the last week I’ll see him for some time and the decision being mine this time makes me feel stronger than I have in weeks.

I’m leaving town in 10 days and he has agreed to take care of Faisal for me while I’m gone.  The dog has been farmed out to another friend, but the cat, well, there’s literally no one else to take care of him.  I don’t mind, really.  I won’t be around anyway.

As we discussed hanging out on Saturday night I mentioned that I would have a list of things to go over with him.  “And I’m taking you to the airport, right?”

“No,” I shook my head confused.  “You convinced me it was easier to just leave my car there last time we talked about it.”  He remembered us discussing the cost, but he’s been operating under the assumption all this time that he would be my taxi.  “No, I’m driving.”

“Oh,” he said staring out into space.

There was a shift last night and if I had to guess he noticed it, too.  I wasn’t emotional, I wasn’t obviously in pain, I wasn’t all there.  Truth was I’d been a wreck since I’d seen him last — crying off and on for days — and once I’d made the decision to cut ties soon I felt freer and stronger than ever.  My noodle had stiffened.

The dog lay with his big head pillowed by TN’s crotch.  TN’s thick, muscular thigh was on top of his paws and I wished so badly to make some lewd comment, but that wasn’t appropriate anymore so I kept my mouth shut.

I adjusted my bralette, the one he’s never seen or touched, and tied my hair into a knot atop my head.  My aching heart felt icy, a distant rattle from just a few days before.

Hy in her new bralette
This is the bralette he hasn’t seen.

We talked about work, said we were both doing ok, caught up on the messy lives of friends.  Then I was suddenly stricken with the need to be away from him.

“Well, you better go cook that steak you mentioned earlier,” I gently prompted.

His eyebrows shot up, surprised.  This was only the second time in 3 years I’d cut a visit short.

“Yeah, ok.”

I walked him downstairs to the back door and let the dog out to pee as he got his shoes on.  I don’t know why I was surprised when he opened his arms to hug me, but I was.

I wrapped my arms around his body and buried my face in his shoulder and inhaled his clean, manly scent.  His warmth seared the parts of me touching him.

“You must be in heaven with this cold weather,” he said as we pulled apart.

“You know me well,” I replied.

“Call me this week,” he said and added, “If you want.”

I said, “Ok,” without having any intention of doing so.

I let the dog back in and shut the door.

Hy lets you see what no one else is
I miss him…

 

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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31 thoughts on “It’s a roller coaster.
  1. I am happy that you decided what was right for you, got the support of your little person and stuck to your plans, your way of doing things and so on. I kow it must still be very hard, but eventually it was the important thing to do for you.
    Hugs.
    Dawn D recently posted…Thank You!My Profile

  2. Hy;
    My heart simultaneously soars and hurts for you. But I love that you are feeling stronger and that your darling son understands your loss, his loss and has your back. You are doing right Mama. Doing right. {{hugs}}
    IsMeIsReallyMe recently posted…. . .My Profile

  3. Peyton’s words brought tears to my eyes…Even though I just started following you, I’m glad you were strong enough to cut the visit short….that’s a HUGE step…
    Lisa recently posted…Dating in 2015My Profile

  4. You have a truly remarkably transparency. And you express feelings that we all (I think) have had in some way. I can’t help but be transported into your heart.
    Hang strong, sweet Hy! This is just the beginning of another chapter.

      1. You know girl …
        At the same time as I am feeling so much for you… wishing there was something I could do or say (Though, as a parent, I learned long ago that there’s not a hell of a lot one can do. Each of us has the path that is set, and we have to navigate it ourselves…), I am also amazed by the wonderful people who flock to support you.
        In case you haven’t noticed, you have a whole community of people who are in there with you. (And not ALL of them are your “internet boyfriends” who are wondering WTF he is thinking! LOL!)
        Standing … lying down … if you think we all love you just because you are sexy as hell in a particular pic or whatever … (Ok. That IS part of it. Because let’s face it, you ARE sexy as hell, even in the LEAST flattering of them …)
        You have lain yourself bare to us. We love you. We wish we could offer you some solace, and at the same time we know that there’s not a hell of a lot we can do.
        But we are there, in soul if not in body.
        Know that.

        1. What a wonderful thing to read. I welled up a little as I did. I can’t begin to fathom why, but I am grateful nonetheless for the outpouring of love that I get here. I really don’t know who or what I’d be without you all. Also, thanks for all the compliments ;) xx Hy

          1. We really DO care. And we understand maybe more than you know.

            I must admit to harboring more than a few jealousy issue vis a vis TN … (Among other things, I am firmly in the hirsutically deficient camp! LOL! And then there’s the truly wanting to make you feel the things you so eloquently expressed feeling with hm!)
            More than anything, dear HY …
            Just know that there are those of us out here who love you.

  5. Back when you started posting about The Neighbor, I was posting about Salt-n-Pepper, and I wanted more than anything to have my relationship mirror yours. Truly. And I still feel that way after reading this post.

    You are being strong and firm and true to yourself. Once again, I envy you and hope to learn from your wisdom. We are all rooting for you!
    Robin Juliet recently posted…The Flatterer: Don’t be THAT GuyMy Profile

  6. You look beautiful :) your body is amazing woman! I hope you start to feel good on the inside as you look on the outside. This too shall pass :) I once woke up after getting my sad little heart broken into pieces and felt nothing. No sadness, no tears, no love, not a damn thing. I wish I would have woken up happy but it was the better of two evils. I felt flat. And then the climb to feel happy again commensed. It will happen for you beautiful Hy. Keep doing what you’re doing. And your kiddo has your back! Kids are awesome that way. <3

  7. Well Done Hy – you’ve taken the 1st step, which in my opinion is the biggest.
    Go easy on yourself
    ((HUGS)) xxx

  8. Everyday it gets a little better and a little easier. I have been following your posts and while it is difficult to go through this, it is good that you have the outlet to write about it here and the support of all the people that have responded to the post.

    You are beautiful and you will find happiness again, I am sure of it.
    Jack Bader recently posted…A Different TimeMy Profile

  9. Found your child’s answer remarkably insightful and heartfelt. You have quite the little one there. Bonnie and I continue to wish you all the best. Stan

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