I am going through the motions.

I’m on my way to another date I don’t care about.

I have a lump in my throat, a heavy heart.  All I see is a saggy, fat, reject.

I don’t know who has crawled into my skin; I’m hoping a glass of wine and a charming man will snap me out of it.

I am so ugly.  It’s like a stench I can’t get out of my nostrils.

I’ve been doing everything wrong.  I should do a cleanse, no drinking or smoking, no men.  But they are my nectar and I am their fucked up bee.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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28 thoughts on “I am going through the motions.
  1. Your body is beautiful, you are stunning! I love that you are not a size zero and have some curves and are a real woman! I have been reading tour blog for about 5-6 months and I look forward to every entry the good, the bad, the ugly, the exhilarating! I’ve had my own sexual revolution since my husband and I started seeing other couples for adult play time. Reading your blog makes me feel enlightened, envigorated, and all of it makes me love myself, my body, and my womanhood. Thank you Hy! I hope you find your own happiness and can be perfectly content with the woman you are very soon!

    1. Hy,

      Just want to second everything that MrsM had said! Agree with her 100% and she said it so well there’s not much more to add. Hang in there…you give so much to us by sharing your posts. Thank you so much. Your beautiful and smart and such a caring and great person.

      A big hug to you Kate

  2. Aw Hy. That’s the worst. You’re not saggy or fat or a reject. *internet hugs*
    Maybe give up one thing? It doesn’t have to be all things? Baby steps. But a red lipstick! Always makes me feel slightly sexier.

  3. Hy I have know what you are feeling is common. Hell even I have been rejected a time or two (or three!) because of my curvy body. You’re smaller than me , and you are looking great! You know what it all comes down to is meeting a guy who not only appreciates our curves, but sees the heart and loves our mind. There’s some gems out there, and weeding out the fake, shallow ones is half the (fun? sometimes!) and the battle all rolled up in one.
    So we keep putting ourselves out there anyway…As hard as it is after being made to feel like an ogre. This feeling will pass soon! Promise!!
    PS.. I might add that sometimes it’s really not you… It’s some guys that may feel you are out of their league. And they may be right! Lol! Or they’re actually attached or married, and just being good that day.
    Joyce C. recently posted…Intoxicated…..My Profile

    1. Hi Joyce, thanks for your note! How I was feeling last night had nothing to do with any man, thanfully. I’ve been all over the place lately self-esteem wise lately and that’s not my normal thing. 20 years ago, sure, but these days? No! I’m thinking it’s my new pill, quite frankly, because the moodiness and depths of my lightening-quick self-loathing feels just like PMS. Good times! And my date last night was wonderful, I’m happy to report.

  4. I hope you don’t mind if I play armchair psychologist here for a moment.

    Often when you post a photo of yourself, you get lots of compliments, but you seem to deflect a lot of them by crediting lighting and angles, which suggests to me that you have a poor self-image. (I struggle with this myself.) Self-image is persistent and irrational. (I used to blow off compliments from my partner because “he’s biased”.) One can always find a reason not to believe a compliment. You acknowledge compliments from strangers but I suspect you don’t allow yourself to believe them, and you explain to friends why their compliments are misguided. I would guess that the compliments give you a little dopamine buzz for a moment, but nothing more.

    I’m guessing that attention from men is similar. You want to be physically attractive – I get that. But whether you see yourself that way depends entirely on men reflecting that image back to you, which makes you vulnerable to their personal likes and dislikes, which ultimately have nothing to do with you. I think that seeking to bolster a poor self-image with the opinions of others (especially if you don’t actually believe them) is equivalent to retail therapy – it feels good in the moment when the dopamine is flowing, but it’s insubstantial and leaves you feeling empty after.

    Going on a date that you’re not interested in sounds like the opposite of self-care. If you’ve realized that you don’t want to go, why do you force yourself? Who is benefiting?

    Please take good care of yourself, Hy.
    Sex Is My New Hobby recently posted…fringe festival 1My Profile

    1. Not at all! Shrink away, my friend!

      Yes, you’re right, I do deflect the compliments because I swear to God, I don’t look like that! I keep meaning to post pics of what *I* see, but I just never seem to get around to it. Yes, those photos are me and yes, they’re “good” ones, but it’s almost like Hollywood magic to me that that’s me! I own that that’s on me to reconcile the image with the woman. *sigh* I’m working on it!

      Re: real life compliments, luckily I am farther along in that regard. I was saying just yesterday how had I known that dudes with ripped bodies liked women built like me I’d have been all over that 20 years ago! I trust that men know what they like and some really like my body. I leave any of my own insecurities at the door in those cases and enjoy their rock hard abs in the mean time haha. The men who don’t find me appealing aren’t my concern and I work hard to not take it personally, though of course it doesn’t feel great. I don’t link it up to my self worth, though I do still struggle at times (I’d like to say I’m all the way there, but I wrote a post just last week highlighting how it’s still a battle sometimes).

      Lastly, let me explain why I went on the date though my heart wasn’t in it. He’s a nice man; we hooked up two weeks ago and it was fantastic, he’s easy to talk to, sexy, smart and I’m an extrovert. When I’m feeling depleted like I was last night, I need to be around people. I figured the worst thing that could happen was I have a decent chat with a decent chap (and that’s actually what happened). We talked and flirted and I could feel my energy return, but I still felt off, so when it came time to figure out whether or not we were going to fuck, I said no and went home pretty happy. So, yeah, I actually benefit from forcing myself out of the house most of the time. It’s the bane of a true extrovert’s existence: we need people to recharge.

      I think my moodiness lately — and last night in particular — is due to my new birth control pill. I have been all over the place, trapped in a PMS loop where one day I feel fantastic and the next I want to rip my skin off. I’m on week 3 and it’s been a hell of a ride. I’m just waiting for the hormones to level out so I can return to my normal, “Hy is alright,” attitude vs this “Hy is every-awful-thing-that-ever-happened-in-the-world” melodramatic bullshit. Love the pill! Love my hormones! haha

      And thanks again for your words and concern. It’s nice to know you’ve got my back. xx Hy

      1. I was kind of wondering the same thing as this blogger but your response made A LOT of sense! So, I don’t think you are doing “everything wrong.” I’m so glad that you know yourself well enough and know that you need to get out of your house….try not to be so harsh on yourself!

  5. Hey Hy :) I think this is a result of your having spoken with TN last week……..you are not over him yet, you don’t have closure.
    The dates with all the other men is merely like eating a decadent chocolate, the 1st bite is heaven but then it’s gone. These men can only take your pain away for a short while.
    Please don’t beat yourself up, you are a smart and attractive lady, changes take time and lots of hard work xxxx
    CHIN UP otherwise you are just looking at your own boobs all day!!! LOL
    Much love from a wintery SA xxxx

    1. Ha! You think so? I really couldn’t say. Right now I’m blaming my new pill for putting me on this roller coaster of moodiness, but maybe there’s something to that. I don’t know… I do miss him terribly, that’s for sure. xx

  6. Hyacinth,

    Not only are you sexy, beautiful, and erotic, but you’re also an inspiration to many of your readers.


  7. Hey Hy, I’ll apologise profusely for my semi absence & pure lurking lately. But only long enough before I tell you that you are far from ugly. Though being a reformed smoker myself, perhaps the stench is the cigarette smoke upsetting you? Keep the wine & some of the men, ditch the ciggies & keep your chin up beautiful woman. xxx do as you need & want & if you don’t want to go on a date, don’t.

    1. No apology necessary! I don’t smoke all that often, though of course 1 ciggy is 1 too many, right?

      And I wanted to go on the date, I just wasn’t super excited about it! Turns out it was the right thing for me to do, so it had a happy ending :)

      1. Nice, I’m glad it was a pleasant date. Sometimes we need ‘nice’ & don’t always expect it. :) & yes, honey, 1 ciggie is still one too many! ;)

  8. You know I understand this particular mindset. And I am lousy at staving it off for myself. But I’ll tell you what I tell myself when I do finally come to my senses – it’s a bit of a song lyric, from who knows what song by who knows what artist.
    “She’s perfect only in her imperfection.”
    That’s you, dear one. That’s all of us.
    Anisa recently posted…still ’round, still roundMy Profile

  9. whenever you post one of these down-on-yourself posts, I’m just going to remind you that I, and a number of others, think you’re pretty damn hot.

  10. Those curves of yours Hy…they speak their own language . At times they are coy and demurely whisper . But I think right now they are screaming to be imprinted with a firm grip all over them .hands that appreciate their perfect sinous arrogant grace . Lips that lap up their opulent grandeur unquestioningly till every inch is satiated.

  11. “I am so ugly. It’s like a stench I can’t get out of my nostrils. I’ve been doing everything wrong. “

    It sounds like you’re doing everything right. I’m not sure there’s any way to quiet those self-critical voices for good, but we can fight them by doing exactly what you’re doing — by recognizing what they are, doing your best to change them, and by going about your life anyway (fuck the voices!)

    If nothing else, thank you for reminding those of us with ugly little voices in our heads that we aren’t alone. :)
    Dumb Domme recently posted…Q/A: vampire gloves, dumb ideas, and sub testsMy Profile

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