There’s an eerie balance to the universe. One thing expires, another blossoms; a door closes, another one opens. People who are closely bonded find themselves on similar cycles of mood, energy, menses, luck.
For me, the stars have been aligning, one by one, to bring me to my knees on the alter of Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass.
I’m finally admitting to myself that, yes, I want a relationship.
A real thing to nurture and take care of. I want to be fucking special to someone, not just a fun time — my fun bags be damned.
Admitting that is much harder than you might imagine.
To say I want to be loved shows you that I am soft where I wish to be hard, that I have a chink in my armor. It means I will have to be honest for a change with both myself and the men I date because right now, I’m a giant liar.
“No, I just want something casual!” I might say laughing, which roughly translates to “I don’t need you to call me, to make plans. I don’t need you to say nice things or let me know you care. I don’t need to share myself with you in anyway because you are a blip on my radar, just one vessel of many in my dating sea.” In other words, I pretend I’m self-sustaining And don’t give a fuck what you do.
But the truth is, I’m not and I do care. I care very much.
My little relationship with the Bad Texter has taught me that I am capable of developing a connection outside a bedroom and though I wonder that he might not be a good candidate for me in the long run, I’ve decided to practice my truth-telling with him.
I will tell him I am looking for something real and that I’d like to explore that with him. Because that’s actually the truth, crystal ball malfunctioning or not.
What that means is, I will say that I care about him and that my feelings are ripe to develop and that I want to explore them with just him.
Well, to be more specific, I want him to date only me. Baby steps, ok? I don’t think I could put all my eggs in his basket. Admitting I have feelings is big enough, thank you very much.
Then I will wait to see how he responds because there are only two things that happen when you tell the truth. You either hear what you want to hear or you hear what you fear.
I suspect he will tell me he’s not looking for a girlfriend at which point I will kiss him goodbye and thank him for our time together. He won’t have any idea how his easy-going nature and focus on me helped put me back together, but I will never forget our brief time together.
I’m tired of lying to myself and everyone else. It’s time for the truth: I want to be special.
Next step will be to look for a man who thinks I’m amazing.