I can’t quite figure my way out of this heartbreak.

I’ve tried dating, I’ve tried fucking, I’ve tried not dating and not fucking.  I’ve created a pretty clear illustration of what it is I’d like to have in my life in the form of a male companion and articulately shared it with several of the courser sex only to, when kindly offered it, wrinkled my nose, shut it all down, and walked away.

I downloaded Tinder two days ago after a 2 or 3 week hiatus.

It was after I had slipped up and texted someone I didn’t want to text, two stupid little words sent out into the ether to be blithely ignored yet again.  I thought it would be better to get some sort of exchange from brand new men rather than beg for it from one who’s already proven himself to be a less than stellar communicator.

First, I wiped out all the matches that hadn’t developed into a conversation dating all the way back to February.  It took me 30 minutes of tapping.  Surely the Tinder Gods can develop an easier way of clearing that kind of shit out of there.

Then I checked in on old chats.  If I wasn’t truly interested I unmatched those, too.  I went from close to 300 matches to less than 75 and I still wasn’t done.  I felt immensely lighter.

Last, I started swiping.  Left for NO, right for YES.  Nothing written in the profile? LEFT.  Not local?  LEFT.  Too young, too old, too fat, too skinny, too irritating sounding, too emo, too bro? LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, and LEFT again.

I quickly began stacking up matches again and felt some excitement.  I started talking to a 26-year-old soccer coach from Scotland.  He promised his mum wouldn’t mind him chatting up an almost 40-year-old soccer mom.  We jumped to text and I sent his pic to Amy who exclaimed at his cuteness.  I felt the momentum building, the excitement.  I could do this!

He asked when he could see me and I told him I was free Friday.  He was quite happy with himself and we settled on meeting for drinks somewhere between our two houses.  Lots of smiley faced emojis were sent my way.

And then I immediately regretted it.

I don’t want to sit across from him for even 30 minutes.  He’s 26 years old, for Christ’s sake.  He lives with a host family and can never have a sleepover, his tiny man nipples are pierced, something I find rather unappealing, and he’s teaching soccer for a living.  This isn’t the kind of man I want in my life long-term.  It isn’t even the kind of man I want in my life short-term: he’s not The Neighbor.

Just when I think I can open myself up to even the littlest amount of male entertainment I am overcome with this feeling of repugnance.  TN once told me that he had zero desire to date anyone.  At the time I couldn’t wrap my head around it, I was in the middle of my mad frenzy to find someone to fill his spot, but I get it now.  Truly.  I really am undateable.

I feel badly for the men I’m hurting and leading on.  I don’t mean to do it.  I honestly believe that when I reach out or respond that I can follow through with a normal human interaction, but it’s like I am seized with a cramp mid stroke across the Channel and I just can’t go one foot further.

The Lawyer asked me last night when he could see me next.  I optimistically told him next Friday.  Realistically, it may never happen.  He’s just not TN.

I am often routinely by friends for my feelings towards The Neighbor, but I very strongly reply that I am no more in control of my feelings than they are.  If I could figure out how to control my fucking feelings, I would rule the world.  There would be no homicidal rages or deep depressions, no panic attacks and no stupid decisions made under the influence of love.  I would teach everyone how to feel exactly how they wanted to whenever they wanted and we would float along in a goddamned Utopia heavily weighted on the end of the “happy” spectrum with ne’er a sad tear or blemish of unrequited love in sight.

I’m sick to death of hearing myself go on and on about all of this, but I am circling the drain.  I just am.

I’m eating right, exercising, being creative, focusing on Peyton.  I’m doing delectable things for myself that feel like treats along with a few things I know are naughty which bring me pleasure nonetheless.  I’m getting organized, I’m looking forward, I’m doing everything one is supposed to do in this situation probably with the exception of being patient.  I am impatient.

I’m tired of feeling this way, lost and untouchable.  I want to be past this point in the healing process so badly I keep trying to run despite my broken leg.  It’s like I’m the Black Knight and I refuse to acknowledge I’m not fit to fight.  I’ve utterly lost the battle to heartbreak.

I need to stay away from people still, clearly, and I need to redirect my angst whenever the mood hits me to reach outside of myself.  My current plan is no contact with TN for 3 weeks — a whole week longer than I typically last — and then I’ll reevaluate, possibly add on time.  Or maybe I’ll indulge my urge to touch base and see how he is.  I don’t know.

We spent time together on Saturday and it was no different from before.  It was easy, it was sad.  I felt no better or worse.  Naturally, I’ve kept it a secret from my friends, but I just don’t feel like defending myself to them.  It’s my heart and I can care for it in any way I see fit and if that means occasional contact while I figure things out, then so be it.  The heart wants what the heart wants and until I become Ruler of the Universe that’s just the way it’s going to be.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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32 thoughts on “I can’t quite figure my way out of this heartbreak.
  1. Oh, Hy. I wish I had better medicine for your heartache than a feeble internet hug and an email with a cute baby picture attached. xoxo
    Anisa recently posted…pbbMy Profile

  2. Hy, I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time of it.

    I’m hearing that you feel torn about male attention – you both crave it and are turned off by it. I’ve discovered that when I feel torn, there’s an incompatibility between what I really need and what the script tells me. Figuring out which is which is the tricky part. Self-care is good – keep that shit up – but it seems like it’s not directly addressing the underlying cause. This makes me think that the issue is deeper.

    I don’t think this is really about TN, even if he’s the face of it. I feel like it’s about a deeper wound, perhaps found at the root of your insecurities and the way you relate to men, the hole in your soul that you’re trying to fill with cock (which may sound harsh but I say it with all kindness). You are worthy of love, you are worthy of your own love.
    Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…Sinful Sunday: the curve of my shouldersMy Profile

    1. Oh you’re absolutely right, Zoe. It’s been a hole I’ve been trying to plug my entire life and I know logically it has little to do with TN the man as it does with much deeper issues he represents (lucky him).

      The thing I wrestle with the most about my inner turmoil (in general) is at what point do I stop trying to solve for it and instead seek to manage it and live harmoniously with it? I’m almost 40, not a “young” woman, certainly not close to death, either. But I don’t want to fight myself for the rest of my life. That’s as exhausting as repeating failed patterns.

      1. I’m a little older than you, but it’s only been about a year since I had my epiphany. I was amazed to discover that, despite being introspective and reasonably clever, there is still so much I can learn about myself. And I really like to figure things out :-)

        I try to understand. For me, understanding is an inquisitive process of digging through the memories and emotions (which can be painful) to try to figure out causes, without worrying about fixing them.

        I’m not sure I try to solve. To me, solving connotes a sense of “I have a flaw that I should fix”, which is kind of judgmental and thus not healing.

        Perhaps the harmony part is accepting the fact that there are things I don’t like about myself and loving myself anyway and cutting myself some slack. And understanding promotes harmony, at least for me: when I see where a flaw came from, I don’t tend to stress so much about it, which I think defuses its power over me.

        Understanding myself isn’t exhausting. I find it exhilarating and exciting. YMMV.
        Sex Is My New Hobby (Zoë) recently posted…Sinful Sunday: the curve of my shouldersMy Profile

        1. It’s exhausting for me to find the balance between getting my needs for a certain kind of contact met and being alone to lick my wounds. I can’t solve for the problem of needing and wanting sex. I wish sometimes that I could just dream it happened and have it be enough. You know, where I don’t really have to be there, but my body gets serviced anyway. lol That’d make me a rich woman, I’m sure, if I could figure that out!

          I enjoy life, my life, but when things converge (as they did this July) I get wiped out. I’m feeling better, though. I can’t wait for the calendar to read August. xx

  3. It’s clear that you’ve still a breaking heart, I have virtual hugs for you & say that you are indeed the only one can knows your heart & how to care for it. Do what you need to do, hug it to yourself too, share only if you feel up to it. Love & hugs honey. xx

      1. Hey Hy, my heart actually took a beating over the last week due to miscommunications. The written word can be so misconstrued. Although I’m still smarting, things are definitely on the improve, but definitely not conventional & far from the ‘normal’. & I tend to care for my heart the best way I know how to, as I’m living it. As are you. Big hugs. :)

  4. Hy, you need to know that you’re just fine at this moment, with or without a man in your life at all. I seriously think that you need to put the idea of finding the right man out of your mind. Take care of yourself and your son, spend time with people you love and who love you, and just be happy to be alive. You know you’re attractive, sexy, hot as hell in general, and I recommend that you accept that knowledge, forget about it, and move on with your life. At some point, a guy or guys will appear in your life, and you’ll be better off if you’re okay on your own, and you can decide whether you want to be with someone or not. My experience is that the good jobs and good women come along when you’re ready, but not necessarily when you’re out looking for them. That’s what I think, anyway. Big hugs, baby.

  5. For me ‘getting over someone’ is never easy or quick, and I don’t think you can somehow shortcut it or paper over the cracks with alternative company or sex. That just hides what’s underneath.

    I know from personal experience that it’s frustrating to not be able to just draw a line under it and move on. Bit I’ve also learnt that however long it takes is how long it takes and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’ve found that rather than trying to fill that hole directly, it helps to build up everything around the hole, to do things that give me pleasure, to use the time to be kind to myself and eventually what I’ve built up around the hole slowly trickles into it and starts to fill it.

    Be kind and gentle with yourself. Sending virtual hugs.

    Ferns recently posted…LuckyMy Profile

      1. I’m not sure when you commented this Ann but I’m sure it was after the turmoil earlier in my week & it struck through my being like a sharp blade. I felt so very bereft too.

  6. Considering how long you were with TN, I think three weeks isn’t going to do it – take three months off. Or six. Or a year. Take the time you need to really heal, because every interaction with him is like opening an old wound. I know this is scary, but it might be a good idea too to sit down with him and tell him you’re cutting off contact with him and why so that he doesn’t try to communicate during a time in which you’re trying to get over him. I’m so sorry your pain is continuing like this; as other commenters have said, be compassionate with yourself! Big hugs.
    Jo recently posted…Goodbye Gift (NSFR)My Profile

    1. The 3 weeks is just for me to not contact him (I usually last only 2). If I could, I’d do the longer amounts, but it’s hard. I see his car every day and we sometimes run into each other. We also have mutual friends. It just sucks and it’s going to suck until it finally doesn’t. And I’ll be a boring, heartbroken blogger for a while longer :) Thanks for the hugs!

  7. I feel like I just read my life..different circumstances, but the same gut wrenching, uncontrollable heartbreak. And you’re right. It completely fucking sucks.
    much love.~ Adriana

  8. long time reader.. Don’t mean to intrude- but consider checking out a book called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie.. it could help get you over the hump. Another that has always helped me (have read about 6 times) is “Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz. You’re awesome. You got this.

  9. It is indeed your life, your heart Just know that there are many here, including Bonnie and myself, wishing you the best in whatever course you choose to take.
    respectfully stan

  10. As an outsider looking in, and someone who’s been through my own heartbreak, I don’t know how you can ever get out of this properly if you maintain contact and proximity to TN. Even seemingly benign interaction is no bueno right now. It’s like continuing to pick at a wound–it’ll never close unless you leave it alone long enough. You need to go truly no contact, and for a lot more than just 3 weeks. Otherwise, I don’t see how you won’t be stuck in a negative feedback loop indefinitely.

          1. Oy, well that’s a tough one. Best you can do is tell him you’re going no contact indefinitely and ask him to honor that as well. Beyond that you’ll have to go out of your way to avoid seeing him around. Not easy, but I wish you the best.

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