“C” is for…

Hy Cookie Monster 1

Cookie!  Get your mind out of the gutter. 

I have had too much wine on this Tuesday  night.

Tomorrow morning, at the crack of dawn, I’ll haul my body out of bed and to my boot camp again.  The preternaturally youthful looking silver-haired personal trainer will flounce around on his toes and correct my form and I will sweat all the sweaty bullets and feel really accomplished by 9am.

Tonight, I will stay my fingers and text no one, though truthfully, I want to text no one, so that’s good news.  I want to do what comes naturally to me, but I’m sick of being rejected and rebuffed.  

The mathematics involved in dating today exhaust me and infuriate me.  I thought if you dug someone you made sure they knew it.  I was wrong.  You actually do your own thing and think about them whenever.  That’s when you let them know you think of them.  If then.  Maybe not.  Probably not.

I’m so over it.

Hy Cookie Monster 2

I don’t like it when men are up in my grill.  I like the chase.  Everyone does.  So do they.  Me throwing myself at them eliminates the challenge.  My openness, my clarity, my transparency.  It’s a turn-off.  That’s what I’m surmising.

And it’s all I can do, surmise.

I’m not privy to the Man’s Brain Handbook.  I’m getting hit on from all sides and I’m bouncing around the room, not sure where I’m supposed to look.  I just know I’m not biting.  I’m not interested. 

Hy Cookie Monster 3

I’m going analog, though.  No more online dating.  It’s going to be old school for me.

I’ve asked a man out on my softball team, but he appears to have ignored my invitation.  I only have his email, so I had to use what I had.  Cheesy and less than ideal, yes, but whatever.  I’m just not going to be anything but me.  Awkward, vulnerable, awful me. 

I want something, I can feel it.  Can you feel it?  It’s real, it’s wonderful, it’s solid.  It’s also embarrassingly humiliating being this exposed.

I hate it.

Hy Cookie Monster 4

“C” is for completely confoundingly crushingly clueless.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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26 thoughts on ““C” is for…
  1. I’m not sure if you are seeing it as clearly as I am, but you don’t NEED the Man’s Brain Handbook because it’s not a man thing: You’re describing your OWN behaviour while you are puzzling over theirs.

    You’re not interested in the ones who throw themselves at you. You want that OTHER one.

    I have a theory that there is something like the Groucho Marx quote: ‘I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member’. Given your self reflection on being desirable, you can’t ‘prove’ your desirability with the men who throw themselves at you. That’s too easy. It’s ‘proven’ by getting the one you have to chase, the difficult one, the one whose resistance you have overcome. If you have to chase him he is somehow inherently more ‘worthy’ (too ‘good’ to chase you or something!). In the meantime men are doing the same thing. Which leaves *everyone* chasing someone who isn’t all that into them. Lose-lose.

    People are complicated, but this thing always fascinates me. It’s like we all want to make our lives as difficult as possible.

    Ferns recently posted…Is it play acting?My Profile

    1. I wholeheartedly 100% agree with you and it’s exactly what I’m saying. However, I’m attempting to remove myself from this ridiculous fray because it is fruitless and sad (pathetically sad, even). I’m nearly 40. I want to do new things! xx Hy

  2. Anyone with Cookie Monster underwear is cool!

    This made me laugh when I was reading your post and seeing this on the side column.
    Nate on I love big dicks and I cannot lie.
    Hyacinth on I love big dicks and I cannot lie.
    Nate on I love big dicks and I cannot lie.
    Hyacinth on I love big dicks and I cannot lie.

  3. Oof — I’m not sure you really want to see the Man’s Brain’s Handbook. Once seen, it cannot be unseen, like that scene from a horror film you weren’t supposed to see as a child that has now scarred you for life.
    Jo recently posted…Under the RainbowMy Profile

  4. I decided to chuck online dating when Match said that 25% of couple meet online. That means the other 75% meet out in the real world! Try the old school way but be patient and let them chase you. Good luck – I love your blog. C stands for chocolate chip cookies in my mind….
    MaggieMayat50 recently posted…Have I Told You LatelyMy Profile

    1. Haha C also stands for CHURLISH. I love that word lol. Not that I am that word, or anything, but yeah, no more online dating for me for quite some time. We’ll see how that goes! How have you been doing it?

  5. The title got me thinking of how I, and your followers, would describe you using the letter C – here are my top 10 adjectives: Cute; Confident; Candid; Communicative; Conversationalist; Captivating; Cautious; Courageous; Courteous; and Capable.

    What say you the followers and friends of Hyacinth, how would you describe her using the letter C???

  6. Awwww Hy….you might feel like it’s rejection, but honestly, isn’t it just the universe saying that person isn’t right for you…and isn’t that a good thing?!? I think so. I FEEL your frustration in this post….I really do.
    I’m done with the chase….I feel like it’s such a waste of time. This is gonna be my new dating style: I text a guy…he texts me back, good. We hang out. I’ll text again, if we hang out again and it’s still good, nice. If I don’t hear from him after the 2nd date, I’m done. I’m not going to waste my energy on a guy whose not gonna make any effort to see me. I like this new decision I’ve made.
    Your openess and clarity WILL NOT be a turn off with the guy you are meant to be with…At least that is what I hope…I KNOW releationships start in so many different ways…some start as friends, some as coworkers, and some have this INSTANT attraction…Who knows how it will work out for us…
    I’m taking a break from online dating too…The last few dates I’ve been on, I’ve met the guy while at a pizza joint having a beer…
    Hang in there and focus on your self love!!
    p.s. LOVE the underwear!

    1. No, you’re right. I was a little in my cups when I wrote that post and I should have said it FELT like rejection. There’s no way to say I was actually rejected (though, maybe I was?). In any case, we are certainly all our own Litmus Test and I have to remember that and not be anything different than what and who I am. My fingers are certainly crossed I know how to do this! xx

  7. Hi Hy,

    I know your 40th birthday is nearby and just wanted to tell you that each decade is better than the previous one. You are wiser about the world and yourself because you have more experience and you are physically able to do all the things you could do in your 30’s. I have found my 40’s to be favourite years and I hope it will be for you as well. I also believe that the person who is truly right for you will respond to you in a way that isn’t frustrating and won’t feel like a chase. Instead, it will feel natural from the initial moments and the posturing and games that go on with others you have met will not happen. If there are games then the person might be fun but probably isn’t going to end up being the one who you want to spend your life with. Just my own opinion, but if you are comfortable being straightforward then that is the approach you should take and enjoy the fact that some guys might not be into that because ultimately they aren’t for you. Also love the photos, they are so true and honest and carefree. Think you are looking better than ever. Maybe do a special photo layout for your birthday just so you see how many embrace the shoot and you. Just a thought. Take care and hope you are smiling and having a great day!

    1. Thanks, Avner! That’s very nice of you to share. I agree so far, but it’s scary to age as a woman. We’re told from a very early age that we peak at 25, probably younger, and anything older is MILF or cougar territory (which are NOT compliments btw — gee, thanks for wanting to fuck me despite my age or parent status). I think it’s equally shitty and exciting for me.

  8. Google Translate blew up when I asked it about “up in my grill”.

    WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN? Because it sounds painful.

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