Sometimes you have to climb the stairs twice.

Hy heartbroken in TN's underwear
Forty-one weeks ago I didn’t know what would become of us. Today, I know.

By now he’s climbed the three flights of stairs and found the brown paper bag at his door.

On top, neatly folded, is his Iowa sweatshirt.  Beneath it: a bag of his sex toys and lube, 20 or so movies, a blue patterned plate, a blue plastic cup, three pairs of socks, and one pair of underwear which I wore when he had asked for a break from me.

I curated this bag of things carefully; it’s all his.  Not gifts to or from me, nothing sentimental.  I briefly included the black velvet ribbon we used to signify I was in charge and our last dominoes score card he’d signed because I’d won, but I pulled them out.  The score card got tossed and I’m saving the ribbon for the next man.  It was always mine.  This is a simple return of goods.  I am not in that bag.

A week ago tonight I went to the gym to catch my favorite class.  It’d been a few weeks since I’d gone, but it’s like coming home.  The regulars say Hi, the instructor teases me, pushes me to limits I didn’t know I had, and the familiar smell of old sweat and disinfectant signifies it’s time to work.

I’d brought The Neighbor there with me long ago.  He’d quit his gym, joined mine, and began coming to this class with me.  We stood side-by-side for a year, to the instructor’s right, close to the mirrors.   Eventually he stopped coming with me, but I’d kept on and remained in my spot.  Cee-Cee knew I was “Hy on the Right.”

I walked in and caught a glimpse of a man with a familiar build on the far end of the room.  Pale, beardless, bald.  Surely it wasn’t…

“What are you doing here?” I asked stupidly.

It’d been two months since I’d seen him last.  He looked like a ghost: whitewashed without his dark beard, his light eyes bled into his impossibly light skin and shiny white skull.  “Um, working out?”

I was nervous.  We maneuvered around each other, got our gear.  I wondered if he’d set up in his old spot.

I dropped my things and looked behind me.  He was in the other half of the room.  With a woman.

They stood close to one another and talked familiarly, as couples do in the awkward fishbowl of a room filled with mirrors and strangers.

I looked around them.

Their steps were set up of identical heights (two higher than he used to use, but the same amount as hers) and they were set closer together than what non-couples typically do.

I felt like throwing up.

She was roughly my height, slightly slimmer build, small breasts.  Her dark hair barely shoulder length, her eyes brown.  Nondescript.  She’d make a good spy.  When she passed me once in class she looked through me as though I were just any other class member.

I spent those interminable 45 minutes hidden behind a dozen people away and one row up, though regrettably not far enough away to miss that when he should have faced my half of the room to do exercises he instead chose to face her.  The one kid in the marching band who’s lost his way.

After class she waited for him and as I left the room and walked out the front door he was waiting for her as she loitered around a display.  As I drove out of the parking lot I saw them talking near some cars.  Thelonious Monk spattered on my stereo as if to remind me of breaking glass.

I could hardly breathe.  My mind reeled  The code did not compute.

My phone chimed.  It was him.

“Didn’t think you’d still be going to that class!  That was a one time deal for me – just wanted to see it again”.

I didn’t respond.  I haven’t responded.  I’ll never respond.  Fuck you.

He is now in possession of what belongs to him, as am I: I have my heart and a little dignity.  His text sorta kinda apologizing without saying the words sent a message: Hy, run.  Run as far away as you can get from him, from this hurt.

This morning I set the grocery bag in my passenger seat and took Peyton to school then went and worked out.  When I got back home his car was gone.  I climbed to the third floor and set it in front of his door.  The cologne I’d bought him lingered in the cold foyer.

I set a little note on top, “Just the last of your things” it read.

On my way back down I felt the prick of tears.  I swallowed and sat in the car, drove up the hill and continued to sit outside my building.

After almost exactly 10 months since he ended things and 14 months after I should have, it was now finished.

I walked up to my apartment and sat some more.  I sat for hours not moving or thinking.  Heavy, worried, I felt disconnected from the process in general, like I was watching from the outside, peeking in through my own windows.  Something didn’t feel right.

It was time to get Peyton from school, but before I drove through the gates beside his building I detoured and double-parked in front of his stairs.  I ran up, two at a time.  The bag was still there, though the air was clear of his cologne.

I grabbed the crisp piece of paper off of “Iowa,” and turned on my heel.  Instantly, my face broke into a wide grin.  I bounced down the stairs, the sun on my face.

Striding to my car I crumpled it and let it drop to the grass, defiant.  A reminder, like bird shit on a window, that even if you forget they’re there they’ll still do their bird thing to survive.

Finally, I felt light.



A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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33 thoughts on “Sometimes you have to climb the stairs twice.
  1. The last months have not been easy for you. We have read your words, followed your struggle, and witnessed your pain. Through it all you have maintained your dignity and your honor. Nothing more can be asked of one who fights this battle. All our best to you


  2. I respect and admire your strength and I respect and admire the way you shared your struggle and now share that you’re finally free. Break-ups are never easy and you will still think of the time you were together, sometime with sadness, sometimes with a smile. Eventually you remember the good and the bad times and are able to think or talk about it without feeling any sadness. You are strong, Hy, and life is beautiful :)

    Rebel xox

    1. Thanks, Rebel. I don’t feel strong very often; I just do what I do :) And no, breakups are never easy and this one has been particularly rough for me. Go figure. xx Hy

  3. I can visualize you sprinting up those stairs, snatching back the note, spinning on your heel with a flick of your blonde mane & a triumphant grin & it brings a big smile to my face. Well done girl, always cheering for team Hy. xxx

  4. I am SOOOO happy for you Hy! So happy that you are finally free from him.
    As I read your words, I thought that maybe some things he did could have also been interpreted another way, but… the most important thing is that it took you to where you now are. FREE.
    Good for you!
    You’re a strong woman, and I am forever thankful for having met you and for the help and support you offered me through my personal journey.
    And for what it’s worth, I prefer you with your own underwear on ;-)
    Sending lots of love!
    Dawn D recently posted…I love youMy Profile

  5. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us… it’s so hard to write about pain honestly, and seeing someone else’s feelings in writing that are similar to your own make you feel like you’re not alone in the world. I’m glad you’re starting to find some real closure, and congratulations on your feelings of lightness and peace – finally! x
    Jo recently posted…In the DarkMy Profile

  6. Isn’t that one split second when you know you’re free just the best? The grief, pain, tears and angst just seem to disappear! I’m so happy you did this for YOU!

  7. Turning up at your gym? … Dick move TN.

    Thank you for sharing so candidly, as always.

    Looking forward to what happens next for Hy.

  8. Man, it was so good to read this. It just ‘felt’ like the truth.There was no hiding behind futures, maybe possibilities. I just knew from it you had ‘arrived’. And I’m grinning ear to ear.

    Btw the actual writing is so, so good, too. Very nice to have you back in all your forms.


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