My heart turns blacker: The new rules

I am at that place again.

That place of keening frustration and battered ego, hopelessness.

I had a magical night with a beautiful, charming man Thursday night.  A tall, lean welder.  I leaned in for a kiss at the bar and breathed in his woodsy soapy scent.  “You’re a good kisser,” he said smiling, his eyes locked on mine.

“You’re not half bad yourself.”

“Wanna get outta here?”

I texted him my address and we jumped in our cars.  Back at my place he stooped to kiss me and turned me around and pressed his body against my back.  His hands reached around and squeezed my breasts and I pushed my bottom into his hot jeans.

He pulled down my panties and curled his fingers into me.  “Harder,” I coached.  “More, faster!”  His hand obediently slammed against me and I filled his hand with my juices.  He groaned and ground his mouth down on mine.

We half-assedly pulled our clothes off and let them hang on our ankles and waddled awkwardly and hornily into my dark room.  He said he had rubbers except we didn’t use any.

I sucked on his chubby — it was only two-thirds hard, I could tell.  I was shocked that he could possibly be intimidated, he was stunning.

Six-foot-three, loaded with muscle, bald as a cue ball with a trimmed beard.  This man had no reason to be afraid and yet there he was at half mast.

To take the pressure off — and to possibly turn him on more — I sucked and slurped on him.  I stuffed all of him in my mouth, a very full mouthful.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a Magnum condom in his hand.

He pushed me off of him and spread my knees apart.  “Please don’t suck,” I told him.  “You suck on me and I’ll die.”  He tried it anyway and I yelped and pushed him away.  “You can only lap at me.  Like an ice cream cone.”

His bald head shone from the moon outside and he lapped willingly at me.  He slipped a finger in me and I educated him to a climax – twice – then hauled him up and grabbed my Hitachi.  He still wasn’t 100% hard.

His pretty face latched on my nipples and I rode the vibrations to a crushing orgasm.  He rolled on top of me and began rubbing his bare cock on me.

“No,” I panted.  “Don’t do that.  It’s not safe.”

“But oral sex is ok?” he countered.

I was out of my mind from orgasm and lust and wondered if forcing him to wear a condom wouldn’t kill the rest of the night.

“Ok,” I relented.  “Do it.”

He pushed into me and instantly got hard as steel.  And big.

We fucked and panted, gripped each other’s pale skin and I came and came again.  I writhed on him, willing him to lose his shit, and suddenly he did in a long, low, undulating orgasm unlike any I’ve ever witnessed.

He shuddered and humped and groaned and cried out and finally fell limp.

“Holy fuck,” he panted.  “That’s… that’s never happened to me before.”

“What?” I asked, my arm covered my eyes and chest heaved.

“I never lose control like that.  I can always wait to cum, but you…” he searched for words.  “You have a magic pussy.”  I laughed.  I’d never heard that before, but ok.  “You wanna take a shower?”

I was startled.  No one has asked me to do that in a decade.

In the shower we kissed and held each other.  I noted his back tattoos and felt shy in the light of the bathroom until he kissed me harder and turned me around.

I spread my feet and let him reenter me, 100% steel once again.  I came with my hands on the cold tile, his hot cock pushing into my body.  “Will you cum?” I asked, my head hung low.

“No.  I’ll have to wait until morning.”

I hardly slept.  The animals decided to make every obnoxious noise in their repertoire and I never sleep well with a stranger in my bed.  Before dawn his alarm went off and he rolled over and fondled a breast and fell back asleep.  I was happy he was able to sleep, the bastard.

But I wanted more and so I stirred and he rolled onto his back.  His abs were hard and rippled even asleep and I marveled at this warm, marble statue beside me.  I dipped my hand below the covers and felt his hardon which jutted almost past the waistband of his underpants.

“Mmm,” I said.

I kissed his nipple and stroked the heat beneath the cotton.  He was fully erect this time, way more than I could fit into my  mouth.  I lathed on him and he moaned and said beautiful things.

I crawled up on him and sunk gingerly down and immediately came.  He gripped my hips and we moved together and I came like a monster on crack, his cock hitting me in all the right spots.  My hands went numb and my hair swung in long blonde sheets, my breasts bounced like manic beach balls and I cried out along with my squeaky bed.

Twice, three times.  Each time I collapsed on him and heaved for breath in his neck.  The fourth time I sat up and giggled, bashful and greedy.

“Do it again,” I said sheepishly.  I felt like a child asking for yet another scoop of ice cream, more sprinkles.  Just more. 

He laughed and bucked into me while his hands pushed my hips down and back and forth.

I came with a hot blue swell and fell forward and half-sobbed into the pillow as he continued to fuck me from below and then with a long, protracted moan, peppered with shudders, he came deep inside of me once more.

He had to be at work by 7 and it was at least a 30 minute drive so while he showered alone I made him coffee.  I debated on what mug to send him with and landed on a travel mug I’d brought home from my folks’.  I’d be seeing him Saturday night and could get it back then.


The next day was Saturday and I texted good morning.  He texted back an hour later saying how busy he was at work and how they’d worked until 10 pm on Friday.  A few hours later I texted again to ask if we were still on for 7.  He didn’t say yes or no, but said he was currently “stuck at work.”  It was 5:30.  I told him my night was his and I was happy to be flexible.  If he was too tired to go out after work (whenever that was) we could chill at my place.

I never heard from him again.


The night I met The Welder I had a date that nearly cancelled on me.  I’d yelled at him about trying to bail 40 mins before a date and he’d agreed to one beer.  He stayed for 2 then left.  The second he left a short, older, round man invited me to sit at his table where for the next hour or so they grilled me about my dissolute life and then he asked me out despite knowing I was waiting for Date #2.

The following night I went out with a 21-year-old who’d also tried to cancel on me due to cold feet.  I’d told him to go to hell and he’d begged me to meet him after all.  I couldn’t call him a man unless you judge maturity solely on how big one’s Polo shirt is.  I sent him home with apologies, but I wasn’t able to bridge the age difference gap.  He was too childish.

An old friend, a man whose wedding I’d attended 9 years ago, was at the bar where we’d met with a work colleague and so I went and sat with them.  They were drunk and became increasingly inappropriate with me; their jokes thinly veiled sexual advances and filthy innuendos.  I felt masochistic sitting there wedged between them and then I began to receive texts from the rebuffed 21 yo.

Honestly I couldn’t stop thinking about fucking your tits the whole time [sly winky face]  Sorry for being young.

I responded with, “Well, I’m flattered, but I can’t get beyond the age thing.  I am impressed with your gumption, tho.”

The men I was with howled with laughter.  “He’s propositioning you!” they claimed.  I didn’t believe them until he sent this:

As a 40 yo you need to figure out how to get past [the age difference] so you can be sexually satisfied.

Lol [crying upset emoji]

[cry-laughing emoji][devil mask]

I kid btw… But really I would like to have some fun sexually [eyeballs looking left] IM 21!!! Plenty old [indignant-huffing emoji]

I didn’t respond until the next morning to give another hard NO.


This morning I felt wrung out.  I’d spent my Saturday night quietly optimistic about The Welder and filled with hope that he wouldn’t do exactly what he did to me.

Last Monday Bones “got lost in a book” and forgot to come over when he said he would.  I told him he was a dick and he agreed.  We haven’t spoken since.

Remington hasn’t returned my texts in days despite his last text being an emphatic “Yes, please!” to hanging out this week.

Men fall into two columns in my life.  In one, they utterly disgust me.  I am buried under an avalanche of men’s lust and equally repulsed by their methods.  The equivalent of them hunchbacked and jerking off all over me like fiends with their foul words and hideous pictures.  Unsolicited dick pic after another, gross come-ons and pathetic attempts to hump me virtually from all sides.  Me, Hy, just my very person in any incarnation I have.

And in the other they use me and lie.  My attempts to counteract such abuse are pointless, however.  The second I step outside the safety of my home I am contaminated.  The Welder claimed to be a human male, but was actually a fucking punchline for online dating and hope that anyone around here besides me acts like a grown up who respects others.


Hy & The Welder chat 1

Hy & The Welder chat 2

Hy & The Welder chat 3::

I fought tears as I purged the darkness of my feelings to a friend earlier.  Surrounded by hipster coffee-drinkers I tried to be invisible.  I feel trapped and hopeless; I can’t not be me, but this level of disregard is more than I can bear.

There is no “fix” to this other than never dating again.  This is dating.  It’s a fucking war of the senses, of the heart, against the clock and all rational thought.  You’d think that finding a man who’d like to be cool and fuck would be easy, but it’s about as equally hard as finding love.  If I wanted to find callous, greedy men then I’d be in luck.  Those are everywhere.

I am distant, I am private, I have issues with intimacy.  I am not looking for a boyfriend.  I am asking to be acknowledged as a human being who doesn’t want anything serious. Why do men think it must be either a serious relationship or a one-night stand?  Why is there nothing in between?? 

I don’t want to be cast away again and again and yet I am.  Repeatedly.

My new approach will be less subtle: Some hoop-jumping and Magnums.  No exceptions.  Since I’ll be used up and tossed in the bin regardless of what I do I will no longer suffer through inflexibility or soft, little dicks.  I will demand what I want and move on, expect only one night with each man who meets my criteria and put my hook back in the water the following day like a good littler fisherman.  And lord knows that I seem to have the fattest and juiciest worms, so I’ll have no shortage of men flopping into my bed, their dead fish eyes staring back at me.

These are the new rules.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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48 thoughts on “My heart turns blacker: The new rules
    1. Unbelievably stinky. And then the kid I was supposed to hook up with went radio silent, so I stayed home. Thirty mins after we were supposed to meet o texted, “Welp, it was a fun thought. ✌?️.” We ended up in a text exchange 45 mins after we were to meet where he told me he’d said he’d TRY to do 9 (which was absolutely untrue) because he’d had a house full of people over to watch Game of Thrones and I was acting unreasonably . I told him to scroll up and show me where it was a maybe. Then he told me to fuck off with my “old lady drama shit” because he didn’t know me and therefore owed me nothing. He “wished me good luck” in finding big dicks and said he was going to block my number. I laughed, but it shook me up. It was the final straw and I burst into tears as I deleted his revolting texts.

        1. Yep. But he epitomizes the dating scene: I don’t know you, therefore owe you nothing. Planning to put my penis in your vagina notwithstanding.

  1. The sweet beautiful heart of Hy is most certainly not black. It maybe a little bruised is all. Hang in there honey & keep casting your lines. ;)

  2. I am so with you on those first two lines.

    I got so depressed I could not read any more. Sounds like a bad day today. For both of us.

  3. Hy,

    I am truly sorry for your difficult disappointing week and (emotional) male encounters. Being disregarded frequently is truly maddening and can drain us to hopelessness. I know. But never let this turn you into someone you’re not.

    There is no “fix” to this other than never dating again. This is dating. It’s a fucking war of the senses, of the heart, against the clock and all rational thought. You’d think that finding a man who’d like to be cool and fuck would be easy, but it’s about as equally hard as finding love. If I wanted to find callous, greedy men then I’d be in luck. Those are everywhere.

    As part of the male gender, especially the hetero male gender including Alphas, I apologize for our oft Neanderthal behaviours. (wink) We can indeed be quite insensitive, BUT that isn’t always true in all circumstances either. However, I absolutely empathize with your frustrations. I do.

    I am distant, I am private, I have issues with intimacy. I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am asking to be acknowledged as a human being who doesn’t want anything serious. Why do men think it must be either a serious relationship or a one-night stand? Why is there nothing in between??

    I could humbly answer those last two questions, but I haven’t read ALL of your blog-posts here so I don’t yet have a full picture of you, or the men in and out of your life, and VERY interestingly… your “issues with intimacy.” I feel some of what I could humbly share might be premature. Know though I am empathizing with your frustration.

    Your trip abroad will hopefully bring refreshing perspective; I hope it does. :)

    I’m looking forward to your stories of Europe/England. Have a blast and make many great memories!

    1. Thanks for not trying to fix this, Professor, I appreciate it, but the truth of the matter is is it’s changing me. It’s not a matter of me changing who I am anymore.

  4. Wow – I think of almost every post you’ve written and this one seems to have hit on exactly what I’m feeling these days. I know I get emotionally invested quickly, but the results are no different. I just don’t understand it – why is there no inbetween. Why can’t a more casual, fun relationship work – even if it’s short term?

    We have very different approaches to dating yet the male behavior seems no different, overall. It’s so depressing that you would have to realign your rules because of the men but it makes sense to avoid any further hurt.

    1. I know dozens of women who are treated the same way and their approaches are all different. The common denominator is men. We live in a discard dating world now and exist mainly to be used up and tossed aside. To expect more is to ask for disappointment.

  5. Hy, first off, sending you hugs. Second, your searingly honest post made me sad and mad for you. Everything you are expecting is reasonable. But the online dating/hook up world is making callousness, disrespect and all kinds of assholish behavior the norm. I’ve had a taste of it as my boyfriend and I periodically look for others to play with. Potential playmates engage in multiple emails, request pics and then disappear. How about a “thanks but we’re not interested?” Luckily I have a loving partner to keep me warm at night. I wish you the very best in your quest–my only advice is: don’t compromise on the things that really matter, whether it’s someone respecting your time, cock size or condoms. You get to make your own rules and I applaud you in doing so!

    1. Thanks, Holly, I appreciate the support. And as shitty as it sounds, I’m glad you know what I’m talking about. Some people think I bring this on myself, but they have no clue how brutal it is out there. xx Hy

      1. Honestly I think that it’s a combination of the fact that online dating facilitates rude behavior plus the always present double standard. I think many men are intimidated by sexually adventurous women who know what they want. As a result they devalue those women because their sexuality scares them. 25 years ago I went off to college eager to enjoy my sexual freedom. Almost every man treated my like shit after. For some reason I was the slut, but it was fine for them to have casual sex.

  6. I swear to fucking God we seem to mirror each other Hy! i mean this in the most uncreepy way!!!
    My experiences and feeling of being tossed aside are oh so raw as are yours.
    I’ve had enough of these men who are disrespectful twits who don’t deserve us women of substance.
    So.. much like you I am carefully choosing those who I already know and care about to make dates with, and have fun with too.
    I have met a man just last week who is a gentleman and has potential and has shown me so much respect and understanding when I cancelled our sex date last Friday. We agreed to wait for that and to get to know each other better. We have plans to go out and do something this Friday. :)
    My heart has been broken recently by an unrequited love… It’s a post I made today on my blog. Not going into it here…
    You are not an old lady with old values!!! We are women who deserve to be valued and respected!!!
    I am 52 going on 42, and I may throw a few younger guys off by being the way I am about meeting in a public place and getting to know them before jumping in the sack.
    So many of them expect me to just let them show up at my door! Craziness!!!
    And yes I am also on SA and have made a very good friend of a married man that has been a good friend to me and helps me in more ways than just financially.
    I love your blog and your honesty and openness help me process my own dating woes.
    Thank you Hy for being you!!! XOXOXXO
    Joyce C recently posted…Intoxicated…..My Profile

  7. Hey Hy :(

    Sorry you’re dealing with bullshit. Fucking bullshit. But maybe you are looking for something serious? A boyfriend? There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. I sense that maybe you are not being forthcoming about what you want.

    You want brunch right? You want someone who isn’t afraid to hold your hand in public. You want great fucking sex. You essentially kinda do want a BF. It’s ok to want that.
    I hope you get it. Fuck the fuckboys. Fuck people treating people like shit. Demand MORE. Demand demand demand.

  8. Oh my. This is heart-wrenching. I would love to understand what it is about that in-between (not a serious boyfriend, not a one night stand) that’s so difficult to negotiate. This is clearly not the answer in particular situations (some guys are just jackasses), but I think there’s something about trying to hold back the complex feelings that can arise unexpectedly with intimacy (especially a passionate connection) that can make people act a little crazy. Where do you put the feelings when things don’t fit into a neatly labelled box (boyfriend, nothing, etc)? I wonder if this is an issue with some of the seemingly “good ones” with whom things end up going wrong. (Not that I know what to do about it … if only!)

  9. I feel you. The right thing for me to say is to hang in there, that you’ll get what you want, but we both know platitudes don’t translate into reality. I’ve pretty much given up on dating and sex at the moment for the reason. No sense making myself crazy.

  10. Oh Hy….As I have followed you this past year, my heart has broken and jumped for joy for you. I think you would be so fun to hang out with…But you must remember, we each receive what we ask for. You believe that men only fall into “two columns.” But those columns exist because you have let men treat you that way. I will not allow any man to use me or lie to me. I will not fall for any guy who thinks with their dick. You can date again sweet Hy. What you described is NOT dating. If you ask for respect, you will be treated with respect. You do not need to have sex with a guy on the first, second, or third date. But because you do, you are treated as a gal that a guy wants just for sex. There is something “in between” but you have not asked for it yet. Start going on dates as dates and not for sex. If you start doing that dear one, it will be the first step in the right direction. Sending you hugs…

  11. It always saddens me to read of experiences like yours, and other female friends of mine. Not all men are as childish, but unfortunately childishness is increasing in our time-obsessed era where it is more important to post on social media, play a game, catch up on the latest box-set than feel a warm responsive human being in your arms. I do not understand it, but you are not to blame x
    fridayam recently posted…DressMy Profile

  12. The problem you have as I see it.

    You want fantastic sex so you go after that type of bloke. You get the sex but they don’t want more because that’s not what they want.

    The guys who are wanting a relationship are not on the same apps and sites as the blokes wanting the sex.

    The problem is that for the vast majority of men they can’t get their head round the fact that a woman can be a w… In the bedroom but also a great partner out of it. They simply delegate the two different types of women. Those thirty want to fuck and those they want to take to the concert or the shops or the park on a nice day.

    The million dollar question is where do you look for someone who has a naughty side and a nice side.

    When you find that place please tell me about it because I’m also looking for it.

    1. One of the major problems? Some sites are using fakes/trolls/shill accounts (purporting to be available ladies) to string guys along for moneymaking.

      So genuine ladies are going to catch some of that backlash as well, which the siteowners clearly don’t give a rats ass about.

      Maybe stressing the Friends (with benefits later) is a way to go? That seems to describe what you want better than FWB; the guys seem to see the Benefits part of that first (we’re guys. Our sex drive is bloody insistent in a way that ladies don’t seem to experience).

      One thing’s for sure. Not Dating? Unlikely to find what you want, even if it’s a shark tank out there.

  13. I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult and painful time of it. I wish I could help somehow.

    Why do men think it must be either a serious relationship or a one-night stand? Why is there nothing in between??
    This is interesting. I wonder if serious relationship versus one-night stand is simply the other side of the Madonna-whore coin. If so, then binary thinking [sic] strikes again.

    Men should have to pass some kind of empathy test before they get to meet you in person.
    Zoë recently posted…Sinful Sunday: reclining nudeMy Profile

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