I’m free.

I have officially admitted to myself that I would like to find love.  I have ceased taking on any new men.  I have changed profiles to fit the new standard.  I have spoken with men on the phone.  I have written lengthy reply emails.  I am also unprepared.

There are so many layers to my life that I believe opts me out of any sane man’s world.  Hy, my need to expose myself, my writing, my kinks.  Do you know of any guy who wants to partner up with a woman who’s into triple digit lovers now, who shares intimate details of her sex life and thoughts, has thousands of Instagram followers for her alter ego, and who is comfortable living a double life for as long as necessary?

The special thing about Luke is that he met me as Hy first.  The hard part is done.  He accepts me for who and what I am.  The real life aspects are all just a bonus — my career, my child, my life — but going the other direction feels like rubbing a cat from tail to head.  It’s just awkward, unfulfilling, and might get you bitten.  In other words: hard.

I feel trapped by who I am and by my fear of rejection.

Nothing has happened — everything is calm — it’s just a waiting game now to see where all these trails go with the men currently in my life.  The lawyer, the martial artist, the sub PhD, the sweet Lothario, the sugar daddy, the dom, the mother lover, the special ops guy, the baby soldier.  The handful of others whom have yet to make a stronger impression.

Love enters our lives, right?  We don’t force it to happen, yet I find myself not willing to change much about my own self in order to find it.  Giving up Hy and this writing would be a colossal mistake. Giving up on my desires and wants and curiosities, too.  My deeply felt connections.  They’re all me, after all, and if I hide one aspect from a potential mate it feels disingenuous, like a charade.  I only want a man who wants all of me and not one layer less.

I’m terrified to discover I’m as alone as I feel, but there’s only one way of testing my theory and it isn’t cocooned in my little fuck-buddy-bubble.  It’s out there.

And so I wait in my gilded cage.  A longing woman behind her own self-imposed bars who watches the world with sad, old eyes.  Who sees the youthful couples plunge headlong into lifelong promises of love and babies, the lucky others hold tight to their nice-smelling, kind and strong, matching pieces, and the rest who bump along either indifferent or longing, like me.  Perhaps I’ll figure a way out on my own.  Perhaps someone will show me the way.

No where to go.


A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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34 thoughts on “I’m free.
  1. It will come to you, Hy. I keep on believing that you will find love or love will find you. It will happen. And in the meantime, don’t forget we are out here, loving you. I know I do!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted…LandscapeMy Profile

  2. You will find it probably when you least expect it. I had numerous lovers until one came along and everything changed. I will keep everything crossed for you and hope the self imposed bars disappear x

    1. Perhaps! I was struck down by love the last time, too. I know you can’t actually look for it, so I’m just trying to be open to it now. Thanks for the well wishes!

  3. I agree with LSB about the image. It is stunning, as are you ;)

    About the rest… I know it seems hard to believe, but… it is possible. It is possible to find someone who will take you with all your layers, and will even love those layers. The hard part is not hiding those layers to people in real life. It means allowing you to be you. Fully you. And being so certain that you are a great catch that you won’t take anyone who won’t like it.

    I know it’s silly, and I know my story started in a strange way, the sexual, kinky side being accepted first before the sensitive, complicated woman that is me. But, in the end, I am accepted for who I am. Fully,. Supported in all my endeavours, in all my hardships (and there have been a few lately). Valued for my writing. And supported in my kink.

    It took time for me to view myself as a valuable person aside from sex. I had to accept myself before I could let someone else accept me. And I am still struggling at times. Yet, the more it goes, the more I am confident that he values all of me, truly.

    I guess I needed the time it took for me to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of him, to sort my thoughts and grow on my own. So in a way, him allowing me that time is the best thing he could have done. He did it in an unconventional way, in stating he didn’t want a relationship. But… maybe it took away the pressure of changing who I am to fit with someone because I so desperately wanted a relationship. Maybe him stating he didn’t want a relationship was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because I was broken before him.

    I still am, to some extent. I had this impulse to change who I was to fit with the image someone wanted me to fit. But… now I feel free. I feel like there is nothing I can say about myself that will make him run. And I know that, if anything I said *would* make him run, then… it simply meant that we weren’t meant to be.

    Of course, now, the more it goes the less I believe there is anything that will make him run, just like I don’t believe there’s anything *he* can say that will make *me* run.

    But I know that I don’t have to hide any more. That I shouldn’t hide. That I am perfect in all of my imperfections.

    Sending love Hy. It’s a long journey, it’s a lonely journey at times, full of (self) doubts and questions, but… it’s a beautiful and freeing journey too.
    I hope it is as fulfilling to you as it’s been to me.

    1. Oh sweet Dawn… it’s funny how your journey has been made of what most would think are fairytales. You have quite the happy ending going for you. I know it’s been hard and lots of twists and turns, though. I hope your story is nothing like mine with TN, though there are so many similarities. My fingers are crossed for you as yours are for mine. xx Hy

  4. Hi to you. I feel for you, because I’ve felt like that more than once in my life. All I know is that love is unfair, and doesn’t come when you need it the most. You have to achieve a sort of calm, acceptance, and be doing interesting things and having fun, and not thinking much about love and lovers.

    And for some weird reason, that’s when it comes.

    I think of it as like the ideas in “Zen and the Art of Archery”: don’t take aim, and you’ll hit the target.

    Also, that’s one seriously hot photo. Mostly I just make that comment about the photography, but I will say, in this case, that being seriously hot is not unconnected with the chance that someone _right_ will come chasing after you, at some unexpected time.

    Good words and photo!
    Jaime recently posted…Sinful Sunday: ConsolationMy Profile

  5. I think you are quite beautiful physically, but even more so when you write. You are quite a package, indeed. Love will come along when you least expect it and I am sure there are many who would like to try and talk you into it.
    Jono recently posted…DreamsMy Profile

  6. There are plenty of guys out there who will happily share in your love of exposing and exploring all your layers. Plenty of us bloggers have one and I’m sure you will find someone who matches you, you deserve no less xx

  7. you deserve to be genuinely happy, we all do
    sometimes we have to get some things out of our system,
    that could be a bad vice or habit before we finally agree to move on.
    I feel you are alot like me, sex starved and fucking amazing. lol
    My vice has been married and/or divorced women over 35.
    I fine them all succulent and inviting. I do not look at them as loose whores or even a challenge.
    Women of this group need and desire attention and I have been lucky enough in my last 10 years to have sampled and enjoyed some of the most desirable women.
    They all want love, and HAPPINESS. I accept I am only a temporary fix and they seem to enjoy using me as a stepping stone to a happier being.
    Hy, when you are ready for love, you will not want me, you will not look for me-love will get you.
    Untill then, when i visit your blog I am looking at a gorgeous woman with a body I could devour, hour by hour.
    Love your body and although you have some hot breasts, I think you under rate your ass!
    Tell me you enjoy anal sex once in awhile- I would melt into you!

  8. This is one of my favorite pics of yours and you’ve taken a lot of really amazing photos. You have such an eye for light and shadow, in your photos and your writing. I hope the love you are looking for will reveal itself soon. It’s a hard thing admitting what you really want. Definitely something I struggle with, so good on you!
    mariasibylla recently posted…JuniperMy Profile

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