Accepting change.

I have gained a little weight over the last year.  I can feel it in the every-so-slight tightness in some of my panties and the deepening crease in my sides.  I have nothing but aging to blame for this seeing as everything else in my life has remained the same.

I can melt down and hate myself for the change.  I can attack the issue with tighter eating and increased exercise and whittle it all away.  Or I can relax into it think about how I feel in my skin.

The truth is, I feel surprisingly at peace with myself despite my new plumpness.   The only reason I might want to move forward with an eye on slimming down is because I don’t want to have buy a new wardrobe.  It’s a practical thing, not a self-loathing, must-be-thinner thing.

Twenty-five year-old Hyacinth would be hysterical.  I remember when I hit 158 pounds after college and during my first desk job.  I wanted to slice the fat off my body with razors.  I don’t know how much I weigh now, but it’s not 158, I can tell you that.  And that’s ok.

I have learned to look beyond the number and into my heart, my character, for self-worth.  It’s a 20 year-old tragedy that it was ever tied to a number in the first place.

What a gift that the cord has been cut.

Creases, curves, and veins.
Febraury Photofest

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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14 thoughts on “Accepting change.
  1. You have spoken to so many of us of a certain age in this post. I have gained weight over the past 8 months and I wonder if in my heart I don’t mind. I feel sexy, I feel wanted but like you I do not want to buy a new wardrobe. So I will lose enough weight for my clothes not to feel as if they are causing me breathing problems, otherwise I have learnt to like my skin. Thank you for this x

  2. As a woman of a certain age (almost 52) I’ve been there… I come with a warning?: don’t trust or ignore hormone changes because they are cumulative. Once that ball gets rolling it’s harder to keep things in line. Making a decision now of “going with it” assumes you will be fine with it 15 years or 25 lbs from now. Uffff… (First post, been reading for a year). I spent 2016 getting back what onset of hormonal shifts took in 2015. I lost what I had gained and lost an extra 15 lbs for good measure. I upped my game and I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been (Ive been a runner and Pilates freak for 15 years) EVERRRR. There’s a lot I can’t control in life but this was something I could. The wake up call was brutal: I had not altered my diet so the gain was what? Funzies??? I had to go back to the drawing board to figure a new way to lose the weight. Thank God for vanity! Now I can maintain. Just two cents’ worth of advice from a stranger, but one who’s been there and wants to tell you the awful truth: it ain’t so chill after the first month of looking in the mirror and the panic button self-alarms! XO

    1. Yea, you’re totally right and I’m with you! I’m. It willing or wanting to just let myself go, but I’m not beating myself up anymore, that’s all. It’s still time to whip my ass back into gear lol

  3. I think most of us feel this way when we’re young & then as we age. I have pics of over twenty years ago where I’m sitting on about 145 pounds that I recall still wanting to drop a few pounds. Yet now approaching 50, I’m well over that & comfortable in my skin, though not quite so in my clothes at the moment. Lol, so I’ll shed a few so as to not have to buy a new wardrobe. So here’s to moving forward. ?

  4. I hear you Hy and even though there are bits of my fuller figure I like there are bits I hate and I am going to continue to step up my game and try to get rid of them. Not because I hate my body but because I worry if I don’t it will be a slippery slide to a bit more and a bit more and bit more….

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