He wrote back.

Suddenly, I’m filled with words.

I admit my stomach dropped when I saw his name in my inbox.  I didn’t expect to hear from him that quickly, let alone at all.

I had held no punches, pulled back the curtain to reveal my years of suffering.  Before I’d hit Send, my finger had wavered over the button, unsure.  I knew it would hurt him and that wasn’t what I wanted, but I pressed it because of my pain.  I had to at least attempt to stop the flow.

His response was short, curt almost.

He had misinterpreted my very first shot across the bow as an olive branch as I had feared.  I thought I’d been very clear of my confusion in writing, but perhaps his hopes overshadowed my words.

He asserted his memory of our history was “different” from mine and said he didn’t want to argue over it.

He will be moving out the beginning of October, “so there won’t be further cause for you to feel anxiety about possibly running into me after that.”

He then suggested that it was best we didn’t communicate anymore and he would no longer be responding to my emails (as if I were wanting a dialogue).

I had sat down to read, but as I finished I realized I’d held my breath and my heart was racing.  I let it out and with it the wall began to crumble.  A tear sprang to my eye, but quickly dried.  I was pleased with the response — he seemed shaken, which means I got through to him — but also sad.  He didn’t address one thing other than to say he has a different memory “of our history,” whatever that means.

And I knew I’d hurt him.

I felt vindicated, but equally ashamed.  Proud and embarrassed.  All this time, though, he has believed me to have happily moved on, free of guilt or responsibility.

Then the anger came in large, indignant swells.

What do you mean by you “have a different take on our own history”??  Did you not come over to my house one day and say you wanted a break?  Did we not then not discuss a single thing?  Did you not then dump me?  Had you not denied anything being wrong for you for the entire preceding year whenever I’d asked?? 

As I drove home I fact-checked my own memory.  No, all those things had happened.  I didn’t know what he was remembering differently from me.

Perhaps it was my claim that him dating that woman from the gym overlapped with his insistence he was happily single and wanted to remain that way.  No, I fact-checked that the moment I’d seen the images.  They began around August/September, clearly at odds with his false claims.

Maybe it was that I knew he’d lied about other things which I didn’t list?  He doesn’t know to which I’m referring so he can’t possibly refute my belief there.

I had attached the very first and last screenshots of his AFF visits.  He didn’t mention that either, but perhaps he believes AFF just randomly listed him in my visitors.

The only thing he addressed was my anxiety, which to be honest I’m thankful for.  I now have something to look forward to in regards to him for the first time in 2 1/2 years.

He could have said so many other things, really grown up things.

Things like, “Jesus Christ, Hy, I am so sorry that I hurt you like that.  You’re right, I should have told you so much sooner, I just couldn’t muster the courage and I didn’t want to hurt you; I hoped my feelings would change, etc,” or “I’m sorry for looking at your AFF account.  It’s been hard not being your friend and so I periodically check in on you in hopes you’d know I was thinking about you.  I won’t do it anymore,” or “You’re right, I did lie to you about wanting to date other women because I was afraid I’d lose you.  I really fucked that up,” or even, “I can see how it looked like it over-lapped, but it was just really close timing and I even surprised myself by dating her when I thought I wasn’t into dating.”

But he didn’t.

He doubled down and shut down.

My version of events likely fly in the face of the story he’s told himself so he can sleep at night.  It’s his very human right to remember things differently, but now it’s my turn to sleep.

I wrote the letter for me, not expecting anything in return, but what he did give me has lightened my heart immensely.  He knows how I feel – possibly for the first time ever – and that’s all I needed.  I just needed him to know.

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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15 thoughts on “He wrote back.
  1. Im still reading Hy and I care how you are. I hope you got the closure you needed and I’m glad he’s moving out. Denial is a powerful thing and that affects a persons reality. Hugs xo Ginger

  2. Its great the reply has lifted a weight from your heart – with him moving out you truly can move on. I read with interest the fact that he remembers events differently. I have had this experiance with more than one ex and always wondered why. Was my veiw always so wrong? I have come to the conclusion that people must detort history to fit with how they “want” to feel about it, to make themselves feel better about their behaviour. I am sure good things for you now will follow…

  3. Take a deep breath Hy. Clear your mind and move on to the next adventure. Better days are coming and you will be there to enjoy them.
    Jono recently posted…TrifectaMy Profile

  4. Glad you are feeling lighter now Hy.
    He’s still a coward in my eyes though. And has a lot to learn about how to treat a woman properly.
    Though he may not have responded the way you would have liked, I’m sure it has struck him right where it counts.
    Kudos to you for being brave enough to let it all out to him and be set free because of it.

  5. I am grateful for you that he acknowledged your email, albeit in his own emotionally constipated way. I hope it is freeing for you that you know he read your words. But in the end, I think he has so many issues and that this really is about him and his inability to take responsibility. Plus his multitude of other issues (wouldn’t spend the night, couldn’t orgasm with you, wouldn’t be your “boyfriend,” wouldn’t hang out with your friends/have brunch/make plans, etc.). Or I may have all that wrong, but I do remember clearly that you gave SO much to him and he gave back so little. I hope you can know find your wings and leave him behind. xxoo, Holly

    1. Your memory is on point, Holly. All those things are true. I’ve wrestled the last 48 hours with worry that I got it all wrong, but thankfully I am past that today. His reply is everything I didn’t know I needed. I don’t want that kind of man in my life on any level. I was (am) a broken woman who accepted scraps, but I won’t accept them now, broken or not. Thank you so much for your kind words. xx

      1. I am so relieved to hear that! His response was classic gaslighting. I’m so excited for what comes next for you!

        1. I agree with the gaslighting. I generally don’t like to put labels on people, but everything I have read about TN screams sociopath to me. I too have fallen for a sociopath or two. The way that I “healed” was by reading and researching sociopaths and their behavior in order to arm myself so that I never fall for it again. I recommend you do the same Hy. I know a lot of people know the term, but I mean really dig into who they are, what they do, why they do what they do and how to disengage from them. I am really glad that you got some closure out of this and hope that my advice helps.

          1. You’re not the first person to suggest that and I have done some digging. He’s missing several key symptoms – he’s not heartless, conniving, or looking for victims. He’s as damaged as anyone, but I don’t want to imply he’s a monster or a bad person. He’s just not a person I want in my life anymore in any way.

  6. “Yay, I was a bit wrong” (in a prev Comment) — glad to know he read AND replied. Shame it seems to be a bit of a side-step / avoidance…

    You wrote:
    “And I knew I’d hurt him.

    I felt vindicated, but equally ashamed. Proud and embarrassed.”

    … so, in my other (recent) long Comment, I was kinda “right” (about you).
    Then again, I’d like to think MOST “sane, logical, intelligent” people would think the same of you, given the situation; AND would understand your very real position, also being just as “sane, logical, and intelligent”, yourself.

    “All this time, though, he has believed me to have happily moved on, free of guilt or responsibility.”

    As a reader & (oft-trailing-behind) “follower”, I too have oddly found myself feeling a sense of “relief” — a “sympathetic relief”? Does that make sense? — that he must now, at least, “get it” about your pain.

    If he HAS a caring bone in his body, he ought to feel bad enough, even at such a “late realization”, to offer some apology. But I agree with you, it’d be more hurt to even entertain “waiting” for any. Best wash hands & move on.

    I’D LIKE TO EXPLORE ONE CONCEPT before I go, though:
    “being single” vs “being in a relationship” … and where “dating” fits . . .

    Not to “make an excuse FOR TN” here, but:
    I’ve heard it argued before — one can be “single” and “date” (or “date around”) and NOT “make a commitment” (hence “get into a relationship”), such that the Gym Girl could “theoretically” have been a “date” — even if it wasn’t a “first date” — but not a “girlfriend”, i.e. not in a relationship.

    I’d say it’s “semantics”, really.
    It’s like arguing the “letter of the law” vs the “spirit of the law”.
    But I wanted to put this thought out there.
    Perhaps, if it’s any help at all, to consider it as him “not really lying” but rather “interpreting differently”. I hope that is fair to suggest.
    (Even IFF he may have done so “on purpose” to have his cake and eat it.)

    Big Love,

    Chris D.

    PS – I am *not* a “dater”. Been picky & single for too long, actually.. :P

  7. No, he didn’t say any of those things or be honest. Just wanted to hurt you and have you go away. Good, now you are rid of him and have some measure of closure. Wishing for you to find a decent guy to enjoy life with, or at least to have a little fun. You deserve it.

    Be careful with your ankle playing softball, what position do you play. And don’t say ‘catcher’.
    Elliott Henry recently posted…Fresh AirMy Profile

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