Dating is the cruelest of sports: An open letter to the man who ghosted

I am crushed that I am reduced to emailing you what I am about to say, but I feel I need to nonetheless.

I am torn between two warring thoughts about what has happened between us.

On the one hand, I think you are cruel to treat me this way; on the other, perhaps I am a roaring asshole and deserve it.

I have poured over ever sentence, every touch between us that night in an attempt to figure out what I did to cause you to react in such a way to me.  Should I have not blown you under the bridge?  Been so eager to accept your invitation to brunch?  Was it because I wanted to hear you cum?  Because I wrapped my hands around your beautiful neck?  Or perhaps it was when I urged you to suck harder on my nipples.  No, maybe it’s because I used my vibrator?

Or, what my darkest voice suggests to me, it’s simply because I am a person of no value and so of course the beautiful, young man who had spent an evening (plus nearly 4 weeks) whispering sweet nothings into my ear would toss me aside like yesterday’s garbage, today’s biggest regret, because I am worthless.  That is what the dark voice in me says.

This is what I am wrestling with, because surely that can’t be true, and no one could possibly deserve to be tossed aside like that, right?  You have decided to do this; I didn’t bring it upon myself.  For only a matter of hours before you thought I was incredible and told me so. We made plans for Saturday and even Sunday morning.  You talked about taking me camping some time and teaching me to appreciate whiskey.

If I did misstep then why wouldn’t you say, Hy, you hurt my feelings or I didn’t like that so much.  Or even, Hy, I’ve had a change of heart.  At the very least, Hey, I need to talk.  That’s the man I thought you were.

When I have suddenly pulled way from someone it was because the sex was horrendously bad (I remember you saying it was the best – or did I imagine that in my own repulsive brain??) or because he assaulted me (I watched you closely as you closed your eyes and moaned and gripped me tightly, but perhaps you didn’t want to do the things we did) and even then the next day when that sad man would text me and notice a shift in me I would tell him I was no longer interested.  I was humane.

Why, why would you turn away from me like you have in such a heartless manner and leave me to spin in emotional turmoil flipping between rage and sorrow and worry??  Rage at your treatment of me, my sorrow – and humiliation – at being so soundly rejected, and worry that you might be hurt.

I mean, what if you’re in a coma and I would seem like a terrible fool for assuming you’ve done anything to me.  But I am a realist and the most reasonable way to approach this is to assume the answer is the simplest and that is that you have had a change of heart, not that you are injured.

August, I know we only knew each other for a handful of weeks, but I trusted you.  I breathed your breath and tasted your skin and I let myself go with you in both mind and body, beneath you and atop of you, and you have disappeared on me.  Not only that, but I spent hours upon hours of my valuable time writing to you and thinking of you.  How is it that I now find myself in this position?  Why would you do this?

I don’t expect an answer — seeing as you have made what seems to be your final move here with me — but I wanted you to know how it has affected me, someone you held close and who trusted you.  I was so filled with hope about you.

If I did something to hurt you I am eternally sorry, truly; you were like a beautiful beast crossing my path even if for a short time and my days were filled with excitement and hope because of you.  I’m only sorry it’s ending in so much pain and confusion.

– Hy

And yet, as horrible as it may sound, I hope you actually are hurt rather than the alternative because I don’t want any of this to be happening right now.  I wanted to know you for a very long time.  x

A 40-something single mother who writes honestly about sex, body image, D/s, relationships, her nervous tics, and how much she loves to fucking fuck. She also likes to show you her tits.

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20 thoughts on “Dating is the cruelest of sports: An open letter to the man who ghosted
  1. Hy, I’m so very sorry….and I feel a bit guilty, also. You see, before I started reading your blog, ASV’s, and a few others, I would not have believed a woman could be sex positive and be as caring, ethical, and deep a you clearly are. My education and enlightenment are not complete, by any means, but one thing is clear….YOU HAVE GREAT WORTH!!!! I can’t speak for all others, but your blog has given me new insight into life outside my little bubble. I began reading for the (excuse the pun) tittalation, but I have become a true Hyacinth Jones fan. Without meeting I have come to care about you and your future. Your writing conveys the depth of your being. Don’t doubt your ability, You deserve a happy ending and so much more.

      1. Thank you. I’m sure you are there for Hy I ways none of us here can be. Take care of her. I know you can’t be physically with her, but my intuition tells me you are important to her! If you do visit her soon, take a hug along from me.

  2. That gave me pause to think. I am an 81 year widower whose wife died two and a half years ago. We were married 59 years. I took down all the post to my bog some years ago when we stopped swinging. However if you use some imagination you will have some idea of our (my) relationship with other females. Just over a year ago I moved to an independent living facility and there are plenty of single (mostly widows) females who seem open to friendship but I have noticed that those men who respond seem to be in some sort of committed relationship. Reminds me of high school when people coupled off they did everything together. That is not what I want. So I have reached out to a dating site for “mature” folks and have meet three females who seem interesting. So far we have met just for lunch and drinks. The next meeting will be a date and I don’t know how to act. All of us are recent widows. All of us say we are only looking for friendship and not a commitment. All say they are not looking for romance. So how do you behave. Do I initiate hand holding across the diner table. I have had one second meeting where I picked her up at her house to go out to listen to music. When I walked her to the door she turned her face up to me and I kissed her nose. Not on purpose just poor aim. This is the first date I had in 60 years. This was not a problem 60 years ago. I knew what kind of kiss was just right. To cop a feel over the cloths or under the cloths. Anyway my apologies for posting my problem to your bog which I very much enjoy but I could see where my behavior causing someone to be distressed when I did not intend to. Thanks for your post. I have already read it as couple times and expect I will read it again.

  3. Sorry that he couldn’t say it upfront. He would then have to say things he didn’t want to. I had a somewhat similar thing happen. There could well have been many legit reasons for parting, but no real good reason to just disappear. This will pass as well. To forgive is important even if it doesn’t seem possible. Then you can move on.

  4. I’m so sorry you deserve better than him and you will find someone better . There are still some good men out their you just have to lucky

  5. You want people to use their “heart” when dealing with you, but that’s what people use when they love each other. You’re no more than a flavor of the day.

    Honestly you do deserve everything you’re experiencing, and it’s all results of bad choices on your part.

    Close your legs, and open your eyes and heart, and maybe you’ll finally find what you desire.

    1. Wow. Someone is really angry, ignorant, and misogynistic this morning. Thanks for representing those who think there’s a way of controlling other people’s behavior by merely “closing my legs” and also representing those who don’t fully understand what they’ve read.

    2. We get it – you don’t like the choices she makes. Why, pray, are you even here? If you don’t like what you’re reading, there’s a simple solution – Don’t Read It. If you just enjoy spewing bile, take that shit elsewhere.

      In sum, fuck off, Joe.
      Zoë recently posted…Sinful Sunday: out of the blueMy Profile

  6. Ghosting has indeed seem to have become a part of modern dating. It’s like it’s just expected now, that’s how many people choose to end things, so just be aware that it will happen to you sometimes. It’s weird, as I would have thought that with the advent of modern technology that ghosting would be less common. It’s not like you have to meet the person in person, or even call them. How easy it to just send a short text to say it’s over? But, nope, people don’t even want to do that these days.

  7. Hy I am reading this for the first time and my immediate thought is, did he ever reply or contact you again? I feel so sad for you, and having been in similar positions, I think ghosting is the coward’s way out and in pandemic proportions.

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